yt: i'm a professional

New urban fantasy theory:

Walmart hires vampires. This explains why it’s open 24 hours a day, why working there is often described as ‘soul-sucking’, and why there’s almost always no windows.

Most damningly, Walmart is one of the few stores that specifically hires a ‘greeter’ with no other job than to welcome every person into the store.

Because vampires have to be invited in.

How to Play the Clarinet

Step one: Ensure that the instrument you are holding is a clarinet.

 Note that flutes and oboes have been known to pose as clarinets to confuse predators.

Step two: A good embouchure is everything.

Most clarinets will refuse to produce a quality tone unless you look like you are giving birth from your belly button.

Step three: If you cannot produce a note with good tone quality, blame your reed and repeat steps one and two with war paint.

Step four: You will not sound amazing your first few times playing. You will squeak and make all kinds horrible noises until you know exactly what you’re doing. Until then, take out your frustrations by hunting down that kid that called you Squidward.

(And yes, at one point or another, somebody will make a Squidward joke. It’s a curse that comes with playing the clarinet.)

Out Of Context

The following are some out of context quotes from my most recent work in progress.  Enjoy, and I’m sorry.

“I’m giving you a hug, you ignorant bitch.”

Think of an avocado misplaced in the freezer aisle until it collapses.

“How much energy does it take to come back to life?  A real number please, not measured in teaspoons.  Seriously, don’t be stupid.”

After a few minutes in which nothing happened in the “I’ve been poisoned” department, he managed to settle down and accept the hospitality as it was.

“You charge your insects rent to live on castle grounds?”
“We would, but they can’t usually afford it.”

Ferdie had once heard his room described as spartan, a word which could mean minimalistic and contained nothing he did not physically require, or it could mean a bloody-minded killer.

“Unless you’d like to bring your barber into the plot, that’s as good as it’s going to get.”

Rothbard had called her unlovable.  He’d said it with relief.

Nobody talked about the incident with the donkey skin.

Aunt Elise, at least, managed to convince them that the dress was expected to be neither a threat to bystanders nor parasitic to the wearer.  It seemed they had lacked that particular knowledge.

Chapter Four: Many preparations are made, and everyone is certain that their plan will definitely work.

“’You’d be lucky to comprehend her, as kitchen mold would be lucky to comprehend the stars.’ Kitchen mold?  Really?

He gritted his teeth and made a mental note to find out who kept supplying Siggy with writing materials, and have him dismissed.

There were something that nobody was allowed to do, and undermining four months of his own surreptitious political manipulations was one of them.

He might have had a chance going up against crazy.  Versus poetry, however, he could feel that he’d already lost.

The man always seemed to slide wherever he went.  Perhaps it was the knees, Ferdie thought […] Shock absorption, that’s where it all is.  Got great long legs like that, the knees are probably terrific at regulating the whole thing.

currently in a show where I need to be head-over-heels in love with a guy who makes me very uncomfortable (and who smells really weird) 😕😕

Nut shot.

Me: Sitting on tumblr and talking to people on omegle
My adopted brother who was originally my best friend then shit happen (long story): air thrusting to my left just within reach of me
me: stahp
adopted brother(which btw is the same age as me and is just as much a smart/dumbass as me: thrust faster
me: (without looking) shoots fist out to left and nails him in the nuts

adopted brother: falls over and whimpers
me: gotcha bitch

adopted brother owwwwwww
me: starts to write post
adopted brother: y u do dis

me: because I’m a professional! *slaps him in face*