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For hansotsi

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“She asks me, "Do I look alright?” And I say, “Yes, you look wonderful tonight.” We go to a party and everyone turns to see this beautiful lady walking around with me. And then she asks me, “Do you feel alright?” And I say, “Yes, I feel wonderful tonight.” I feel wonderful because I see the love light in your eyes, and the wonder of it all is that you just don’t realize how much I love you"

“Today we’re going to continue covering strategic mistakes in the Armageddon War. Open your workbooks to page ninety, please. Herman, would you read for the class?”

“Yes’m. Commercial teleportation, like the advent of sedentarism due to television in the middle and lower classes of American in the twentieth and early twenty-first centuries, was concurrently a great boon to quality of life and a hobble to the nation’s military preparedness.”

“Should I go on, ma'am?”

“That’s plenty for you, Herman. Stanley, would you continue please?”

“Yes’m. Asymptotic energy requirements prevented teleportation of objects larger than a shoe, or further away than a few meters. More importantly, due to specific properties of quantum physics understood by only a handful of scientists, fidelity of teleportation is necessarily quite poor. This was extremely limiting to application of the technology. Raw materials handling became infinitely easier, but there are simply very few scenarios in which objects have need to be trans- or tele-ported without regard for whether it experiences significant and destructive changes in its configuration.”

“Excellent, Stanley. Now gather over here to review some examples I’ve laid out for the class. This is an important point to grasp before we discuss how this relates to the war.”

“This glass bottle you see here would come out the other side of a teleportation looking something like—this.”

“Yowzers! Imagine what would happen to your head if that happened to it!”

“A fair point, Mister von Neumann, though what do you suppose the difference would be if your head was teleported perfectly one meter to the side?”

“I guess it wouldn’t be so good either way, ma'am.”

“Precisely. Now, in contrast, note how these two samples of raw coal, one post-teleportation, are indistinguishable. You can see how this would be useful in some industrial scenarios. Now, please return to your desks so we can continue. Mister Reagan, read from the top of page ninety-one please.”

“Yes’m. Various home uses of teleportation sprang up in spite of its strict limitations. Refillable glasses were the first, though it never gained much traction in the lucrative high-end beverage market due to taste degradation during teleport. Crucially, the technology was also adapted for personal use among the busy upper middle class, due to concerns of time management—

“Let me interject here, Ronald. The textbook uses a bit of euphemism here and I want to make sure you boys don’t miss it. When they say ‘personal use’ due to 'time management concerns’, what they mean is that someone discovered that you could dispose of one’s solid and liquid waste automatically, by, pardon my French, semi-permanently inserting a miniature, automatically-triggered teleportation device into one’s rectum andI’ll give you a moment to compose yourselves.”

“Gentlemen.”

“Class. That’s quite enough.”

“Class. Class! Thank you. Henry, please use a tissue, you’ve snot all over your face now. Now, as…inventive an application this was, it had consequences that were not foreseen at the time. Mister Kissinger, please pick up the reading.”

“Yes’m. Over a decade of widespread use of teleportation for personal purposes turned out to be a national defense issue. When Norway declared war on the South American Alliance, they deployed electromagnetic pulse weapons across the eastern seaboard. Inland strikes followed within a week. The susceptibility of personal waste-disposal teleportation devices, combined with widespread reliance on such functionality, significantly hindered—Ma'am, is this saying that everybody shat their pants?”

“GENTLEMEN! You WILL compose yourselves! Mister Kissinger, that kind of language is unacceptable in this classroom. That is your final warning. You are only partly correct, however. The key element is that a large portion of the moneyed classes, shall we say, forgot the skills necessary to maintain one’s hygiene as an adult in civilized society?”