I am not a perfect person.
I have never though of myself as such, and I probably never will.
There are so many things I don’t like about me. Thighs that frenchkiss when I walk, lips that are always a tad bit too dry, hair that fights off even the strongest of all hair sprays — and it’s not just the physical aspect, either. I talk too loud. I’m too gutsy, too forward, too frank. I’m stubborn; I hate not getting what I want. I’m a big mess of conflicting ideas and mixed-up thoughts.
Sometimes, it just gets to me, you know? What if I don’t want to be a “bad girl” anymore? Am I being too easy? Why do I have fun seeing other people suffer? Does it even matter if they deserve it or not? All of my not-so-nice traits piling up, all these negative characteristics that
influence make up who I am — sometimes, I wish I could just wake up the next morning and be a totally different person. We’re talking a major personality overhaul. It’s so hard to change and be a better person when all your life all you’ve been is “that girl”.
But then I remember, that this is who I am. It’s the ME that took eighteen years to get here, eighteen years to be this sometimes-annoying-but-mostly-just-fun-loving bitch. And if there are facets of me that I do want to change, it probably won’t take overnight. I may have an unpleasant side, but I sure as fuck know how to have kick-ass fun. There may be things I regret doing or regret being, but I’ve got a big future ahead and life’s just too short to look back on past mistakes. Hell, I may even do these mistakes over again, but whatever — I am who I am, ugliness and all.
So yeah, I’m not a perfect person.
I have never thought of myself as such. And I never will.
And it’s not so bad. :)
(After a series of bad decision after another, right after vowing not to make the same mistakes, I just had to make this entry to stop myself from entering my self-hate/self-pity mode. It’s a long, incomprehensible rant; but I needed to get my mind of so many things that I really shouldn’t dwell so much on.)