youre gonna be the dead of me

brokenknifefrisk  asked:

"Yeah? You don't need anyone here as a host? Prove it. Come and open up a can of whoop-ass on us using your own strength. Or are you too chicken?"

Bitter: “Well? Ya heard the askers! If ya want these two dead, you’re gonna have to go through me first - that is, if ya can take the heat from this cup’a coffee!”

“My ACT this turn is Get Fuckin’ Possessed, ‘cause I took you down once, an’ I can do it again! So COME ON!”

Cupcake: “STOP!!! ALL OF YOU, STOP!!! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING!!!”

“BITTER!!! I know you don’t remember, but you were barely alive after our FIGHT in the Alpha Timeline! You can’t just LET it possess you AGAIN!!!”

“Well tell ‘em that I’m sorry, too. An’ tell Wing not to worry about the Coffee Walnut Cake. I won’t need it any more.“

“But… thanks for givin’ me the best two years of my life. I love you.”

“… All'a you.”

Misunderstanding. p1

You couldn’t deny that you were helplessly in love with the teams genius doctor. He was wonderful, the kind of person who makes an impact in your life so big you wouldn’t know how it happened.
And after countless talks with Penelope about him you decided it was time for you to tell him, and maybe, if you were lucky, the profesional relationship could become more, so much more.
You walked to the break room and stoped dead on your tracks when you heard Spencer.

(SPENCER POV.)

I was making my daily cup of coffee when Morgan entered the break room, he had a look on his face and i knew this conversation in wasn’t gonna be good.

“Hey, kid, are you planning on telling (Y/N) about your little crush already?”, he said smiling at me teasingly.
“Huh? i don’t know that you’re talking about”.

“oh come on, you think we don’t realise how you look at her? with dreamy eyes and all, it’s kinda cute” he said laughing.

At this point i was done and i wanted him to stop pressuring with the constant teasing so out of pure frustration i didn’t think the next words that left my mouth.

“Stop, just stop!” i screamed making him jump for my sudden outburst.
“I don’t like (y/n), okay? There’s nothing between us! i mean, how could i ever be interested in someone like her. she’s loud and messy and not my type, so i’d appreciate if you just stop insisting!” by the time i had finished, he was looking behind me with wide eyes.

“uh, Reid?” he said pointing at the door.

“what? what are you looking…” i turned around and there she was, standing with wide, teary eyes. i felt the blood drain from my face as i stared at her not knowing what to do, how to fix it.

“(Y/N)…” i started to say but she ran away. I turned around and glared at Morgan as i left the break room.


The next few days i tried to talk to her and explain myself but she avoided me every time.
She arrived later than usual, worked with Garcia in her office, she made sure we never were left alone in the break room or the Jet, the only time she talked to me was when we were working on a case and as soon as i tried to talk about what happened, she changed the subject.
She even started calling me “Dr. Reid”.
And i was sick of it. So when i saw her go into the break room, i quickly followed her.

“We need to talk” i said closing the door.
She tensed up when she heard my voice but didn’t say anything as she continued to make her coffee.

“(Y/N), i’m really sorry. i-i didn’t mean anything i said that day. i just…” i tried to explain her that it was a misunderstanding but she spoke up.

“…You just would never be interested in someone like me, it’s okay” she said quietly.

“N-no, no, no. its not that, i-i-i was…” she interrupted me.

“No, i get it, okay? you don’t need to explain anything. i know i’m not as smart as you, or interesting. but you know what? you could’ve just say something instead of…of..”

“of what, (y/n)?” i said quietly.

“nothing, just forget it okay?” she said walking towards the door but i grabbed her arm and tugged it so she was facing me.

“No, i’m not going to just "forget it”. i’m trying to apologise, to explain why i said those things and you’re just running away form this!“
i yelled, catching the attention of everyone in the office.

(Y/N) yanked her arm from my hand as she glared at me.

"I’m the one running away? YOU were the one who didn’t even try to know me before judging me, YOU were the one who broke my heart, YOU were the one who decided to tell everyone how much you didn’t like me instead of telling me! so don’t try to act like i was the one who ruined this!”

“i b-broke your heart?” she shook her head and left the room. my hand rose in attempt to holding her back but she was already gone.

I was tagged…

…by @causticgrip Here goes…

It’s your senior year of high school. The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be.

Class of 1991

1. Did you know your significant other? Unfortunately not.

2. Did you carpool? Took me a minute to remember…I’m gonna say I’m like 99% sure this is a yes.

3. What kind of car did you have? A silver Honda Civic; I was so proud of the Dead Can Dance sticker I had on it.

4. It’s Friday night. Where do you usually go? I was a nerd who was starting to come out of his shell at this point. It was definitely a mixed bag because my parents were pretty strict. Hung out with friends mostly…trying to stay out of trouble.

5. What kind of job did you have? I didn’t have a job while I was in high school. Junior high, I worked at a small art store and a photo lab.

6. Were you a party animal? I had just tried weed at this point, and was on the verge of going through a very intensely drug-filled few years.

7. Were you popular? Unfortunately.

8. Were you in band or choir? No. I was in Television Production, and I was the anchor of our little news production. (Hence the answer to number 7.)

9. Were you a nerd? Nerd can mean so many things. I was in honors and AP classes, and one of my best friends was valedictorian. I held a state-level position in Key Club. I also skipped school, collected toys, and hung out with a bunch of misfits. Yeah, I was a nerd…I thought I was cool, though.

10. Did you get suspended or expelled? I had indoor suspension once. My parents found out that I skipped school and called the school to inform them of what I had done. What a weird day that was.

11. Can you sing the fight song? Nope.

12. Where did you go for lunch? Checkers, Taco Viva, and Little Caesars were frequented.

13. Where did you go to high school? Let’s just say it was a high school in south Florida.

14. What as your mascot? Trojans. (I wish I was joking.)

15. Did you have fun at prom? I never went to my prom, but I went to the class before mine’s prom with my boyfriend. That one was fun.

16. Do you still talk to the person you went to prom with? There are one or two yearly cordials on social media.

17. Are you planning on going to your reunion? Hell to the NO. I’ve never been even the slightest bit interested. I’m still friends with the people I care about from high school.

18. Are you in contact with people from high school? Yup. We are still very close.

19. Did you skip school? Oh yeah.

20. How old were you when you graduated? 16. I dropped out of senior year, got my GED and started college before my class graduated. I guess I was in a hurry. LOL


That was weird. I never liked high school, but I made a handful of lifelong friendships that I’m very grateful for.


I won’t tag anyone, but, should you decide to do this, tag me so that I can read it.

Reputation Sentence Starters

Look What You Made Me Do

“I don’t like your little games.”
“I don’t like you.”
“I got smarter in the nick of time.”
“Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time.”
“I’ve got a list of names, and yours is in red, underlined.”
“Look what you made me do!”
“All I think about is karma.”
“I don’t trust nobody, and nobody trust me.”
“I’ll be the actress starring in your bad dreams.”
“’Cause she’s dead!”

…Ready for It?

“Wonder how many girls he loved and left haunted.”
“Some boys are trying too hard.”
“He don’t try at all, though.”
“I see nothing better.”
“I see how this is gonna go.”
“Touch me, and you’ll never be alone.”
“No one has to know.”
“Are you ready for it?”
“Every love I’ve known in comparison is a failure.”
“I’m so very tame now.”
“Baby, let the games begin!”

Gorgeous 

“You should take it as a compliment that I got drunk and made fun of the way you talk.”
“You should think about the consequence of your magnetic field being a little too strong.”
“You’ve ruined my life by not being mine.”
“You’re gorgeous!”
“I can’t say anything to your face.”
“What can I say?”
“You should take it as a compliment that I’m talking to everyone here but you.”
“If you’ve got a girlfriend, I’m jealous of her.”
“But if you don’t, honestly that’s worse.”
“I think I might sink and drown and die.”
“You make me so happy it turns back to sad.”
“There’s nothing I hate more than what I can’t have.”

Dear Sister,

By the time you read this, I’ll be dead. This is how I think it’s gonna happen: Dave will shoot me, then I’ll shoot Dave, then Eric will enter and get shot by Dave. Then, you’ll come in and get shot by Eric, Dave, and I multiple times.

Love, your brother Keith.

P.S. Then two cops will read this letter and shoot each other

Top ten quotes from law school, week one:

  1. “So the rules thus far are ‘don’t be late’ and ‘don’t be absent from class,’ unless you are absent because of circumstances outside your control. In that case, notify me before class. If I walk in here and you are not in your seat, and I don’t already know why that is the case… I will assume that you are dead. We will hold a brief service in your memory and then continue on, as we know you would want.”
  2. “Yeah I mean if you don’t know the answer that’s fine, but I’m gonna make you pick the next person I call on. It’s a social experiment I run. I like to see if people pick their friends or their enemies. Wildly amusing. Anyway, be prepared for that.”
  3. “So as the plaintiff’s counsel, you review all the possible venues and pick the one that’s the fairest to everyone….. haaaaahahaha I’m just kidding. You rig the court in your favor as much as you possibly can.”
  4. “You’re supposed to go to a basement during a tornado. Why don’t y'all have basements?” “Can’t watch from a basement” “You’re going to die”
  5. “My own law professor once described admiralty jurisdiction as ‘shit that happens on boats’ so [writes ‘boat shit’ on the board]”
  6. “So then Congress gave itself a raise and America shouted, ‘Give it back you evil bastards!!!’ so loudly that they did.”
  7. “I will provide you with pizza. For beverages, you’re on your own, but please abide by university policy. Which is that we can’t have FUN.”
  8. “And WHAT do we find outside the cities????? C O W S”
  9. “All the desks on the third floor are reserved for 3Ls in practice court. Since you’re dying like, 100% of the time, they kindly give you a place to die. Sometimes you can see the lost souls wandering past the balconies….”
  10. [makes a list of twenty-four things that could go wrong] [writes TRUMP in all caps as number twenty-five]
Things the Hogwarts Houses say

(loosely based on conversations I’ve had/overheard)

Hufflepuff -

  • “If you don’t start singing along to High School Musical with me in under 30 seconds you will no longer be my best friend" 
  •  "I swear on my chicken nuggets-”
  • “Yes I made that joke up by my self - no it’s not from Spongebob Squarepants how dARE YOU-”
  • “Speaking of Spongebob can we just take a few moments to discuss how much of a masterpiece that first movie was please”
  • “Ah yes, it’s 3 in the morning, time to get emotional and tell all my friends how much I love them”
  • “You made me chocolate??? Oh my God I love you so much thank you I’ll have some right no - THIS HAS RAISINS IN IT YOU TRICKED ME
  • “Oh my God yeah I saw that movie, my favourite part was when - oh shit wait there’s this adorable kitten video I meant to show you last week and I completely forgot let me get it up on my phone”
  • “Sorry I’m late I was up all night watching those videos where kids get surprised with puppies”
  • “Are you awake? Great, let’s start planning our future homes together, I have a pinterest board ready”
  • “This is my favourite photo album! It’s full of photos of all the cats and dogs I’ve made friends with on my walks, I’ve even given them all names”
  • (crying) “Stop calling me emotional God damn it”

Ravenclaw -

  •  "Of course I remember you said you liked the colour red, you told me at like 1:35 am last year in May"
  • “What? Simplifying equations? No, I can’t help with that but I do know all the words to every Simpsons episode in the first 5 seasons if that helps"
  • “Sorry I really can’t go out today. No I’m fine, I’m just stressed I’m doing something important. I’m trying to memorise all the words to this documentary about frogs - What? Yes of course it’s important!”
  • “I discovered and fully analysed that meme 3 weeks ago, step up your game”
  • “What do you mean why do I have a folder full of strategic plans on how to succeed at animal crossing, that’s not weird?”
  • “Sir, I don’t mean to be rude but I’ve been doing my own research and you’re getting all of this wrong. Well yes I know I’m not the teacher here but - Yes, actually, I’d love to teach the class my self I’ve already made a lesson plan, thank you”
  • No, I won’t come and see Jurassic World with you. Because it’s completely unrealistic! Do you have any idea what dinosaurs are actually supposed to have sounded and looked like? Even adult velociraptors weren’t meant to be that b - OK you know what, I will come, but I’ll be pointing out every single problem to you. No, it’s too late, you already invited me. I’m buying our tickets right now, don’t move”
  • “You really think you can beat me at Mario Kart? I have spent YEARS studying this game and honing my skills, spending hours upon hours training until my hands cramp and even my tv is judging the amount of time I’ve spent playing and you think YOU can beat me? Let’s fucking go
  • “I think these guys think I want to murder them because I followed them home but it’s only because I overheard them talking about what would happen if Pokemon is real and I wanted to see how good their logic was”
  • “Shut up? Shut up? I haven’t shut up for 17 years and I’m not about to start now”
  • (crying) "I just want Shakespeare’s ghost to be proud of me”

Gryffindor - 

  • “I’d love to have a sleepover but it can only be when there’s a thunderstorm so we can dance in the rain, let me check the weather forecast”
  • “Did that bee just try and sting you? COME BACK HERE BEE YOU COWARD I’M GONNA FUCK YOU UP - wait shit no run”
  • "What did you say? Don’t touch it? Alright.” (touches it as soon as the person turns away) “Sucker”
  • “Whaaat? Someone wrote on the desk? No it wasn’t me I would never do th - My name was there? Well, I’m not the only one in the world with my na - My surname was there too? What are the chances?!”
  • “Help me I started saying lmao ironically and I can’t stop”
  • “Before you say anything it wasn’t me - unless it was something awesome then I definitely planned the whole thing”
  • Excuse me? They said what to you? … I have to go for a second, I just remembered something completely unrelated. No, no, I’m not taking this fork with me for any particular reason”
  • “Um, did you just tell me it’s impossible to sing along to a guitar solo? Stand back. Your mind is about to get blown”
  • “I am so not drunk! I’m completely drunk! … Wait shit I meant sober”
  • “I’M SO PROUD OF YOU AAAH LET ME HUG YOU! I’M NOT LETTING GO FOR THE NEXT 3 HOURS, GET COMFORTABLE BITCH”
  • “I bet I can stay up for longer than you - what no I’m not tired shut up - nO THAT WASN’T A YAWN I WAS JUST SHOWING YOU WHAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKE IF I WAS TIRED - SEE I DID IT AGAIN TOTALLY ON PURPO - ok fuck you I’m going to sleep”

Slytherin - 

  • “Oh my God, just tell me what you did already so I can start complaining”
  • “Sorry, I didn’t catch that. Did you say STOP saying fuck, or KEEP ON saying fuck?”
  • “Over your dead body? I was hoping you’d say that”
  • “If you even LOOK at them one more time I will take a stick as big as your ego and stick it right up your-”
  • “Don’t come near me or - OK fine, we can snuggle for exactly 15 minutes. I’m setting a timer now”
  • “Hey, I saw you posted a picture of us on instagram yesterday where my eyeliner isn’t completely straight? You’re gonna have to delete that, if anyone thinks my eyeliner isn’t drop dead perfect every day and that I’m not a literal make up goddess I’ll lose my reputation as the Regina George of the school”
  • “But keep the one where I’m wearing no make up so that all those bitches know I still kill it without trying”
  • “Oh come on, you know I’d never do anything to embarrass you! Speaking of which, that video I posted on youtube the other day of you falling down the flight of escalators in the shopping centre has reached over 1000 views”
  • “My dad told me tattoos were trashy so I got a giant tattoo saying ‘trashy’ on my back I’ll send you his reaction later”
  • “I’m not a sentimental person but if you touch my teddy bear I will turn you into a stuffed trophy to put next to him”
  • “What do you mean I look smug this is my normal face”
Yuuri following Viktor around while taping and narrating like a nature show
  • Yuuri: *getting off plane in Russia, taping himself and Viktor* You guys, I realized most of you have never seen a Viktor Nikiforov in it's natural habitat, so I'm gonna start a series as I experience it.
  • Viktor: *laughing* Are you kidding me?
  • Yuuri: *dead serious* Nikiforov's apparently find things less believable when they're in Russia. *tapes Viktor laughing* and has a laugh just as beautiful.
  • Viktor: *turns bright red as he laughs and walks away from phone *
  • .
  • Yuuri: *Taping Viktor who is fussing over Yuuri's bruised feet* It seems a Viktor Nikiforov in it's homeland is far more fussy than in Japan.
  • Viktor: *looks up with a serious look* A Viktor Nikiforov doesn't care where we are, you need to take care of your beautiful feet.
  • Yuuri: *wiggling his toes* Ooooo, a Viktor Nikiforov in Russia has a /foot fetish/
  • Viktor: *shoves camera away laughing*
  • .
  • Yuuri: *taping Viktor trying to whip the smoke away from a triggered fire alarm* I'm here with a Viktor Nikiforov, this particular one has forgotten how to live in it's own territory.
  • Viktor: *looks at him, before whipping the phone* I have not! *goes back to it*
  • Yuuri: it's really quite sad to see one so far out of it's depth.
  • Viktor: *in a whine* Yuuri, come help!
  • Yuuri: *walks over to table, drags a chair underneath the alarm*
  • *gets on chair, turns off the alarm with a simple press of the button* *pans to an embarassed but smiling Viktor*
  • Viktor: You can't be serious.
  • Yuuri: *amused* Deadly
  • .
  • Yuuri: *obviously hiding behind the couch while Viktor and Yuri set up the Xbox one* This is an incredible scene, a Viktor Nikiforov and a Yuri Plisetsky struggle with their own gaming system.
  • Yuri and Viktor: *different variations of* Shut up, we've got it!
  • Yuuri: *dive rolls behind chair* it seems both have become aggressive in their confusion upon spotting me.
  • Viktor: *laughing*
  • Yuri: what the fuck is happening?
  • Yuuri: The Plisetsky is asking questions that I don't have answers for.
  • Viktor: Yes you do, don't lie!
  • Yuuri: *aggressively points camera at Viktor*/No I don't!/
  • Yuri: Why are you talking about us like you're in the wild?
  • Yuuri: I mean, isn't being around Russians akin to being in the wild?
  • Viktor: *lies on his back on the floor while he laughs*
  • Yuri: is this a thing? Like for fans?
  • Yuuri: No, they're for me, I like rewatching them.
  • Yuri:
  • Yuuri: *straight facing it like a champ*
  • Viktor: *crying*
  • Yuri: Are you okay?
  • Yuuri: *giggles in a moment of weakness* It seems the Plisetsky and Nikiforov have abandoned their task.
  • Viktor: *screams in his fit of laughter*
  • *video ends*
'Why do we worry about our weight?'
Travis Mcelroy
'Why do we worry about our weight?'

“When I hear people be like, “I’d love to have another piece of cake but I can't” I’m like, “Fuck, some day you’ll be dead! Eat that damn cake!”…. Like, some day you’ll die! And no ones gonna worry about your weight anymore. They’re gonna worry about how happy you were." 

anyway ppl liked griffin giving real ass advice so here’s travis 

edit: justin!

iconic vines sentence meme .

​❛ suck a motherfucking dick . ❜

​❛ i thought you were bae , turns out you were just fam . ❜

​❛ i thought you were american . ❜

​❛ is that a weed !? ❜

​❛ i won’t hesitate bitch ! ❜

​❛ chipotle is my life . ❜

​❛ turn off the flash you fucking moron ! ❜

​❛ kiss my ass bitch motherfucker ! ❜

​❛ is that a police !? ❜

​❛ i’m calling the weed ! ❜

​❛ done & done , let me pull the table out of my ass . ❜

​❛ merry crisis ! ❜

​❛ i don’t have enough money for chicken nugget . ❜

​❛ i’m ready to die anytime , any place , for any reason . ❜

​❛ hey guys , we’re unboxing this cheese stick today . ❜

​❛ i aint never gonna stop loving you , bitch .  ❜

​❛ this is the comedy police ! that joke’s too funny ! ❜

​❛ i’m not going back to jail ! ❜

​❛ what the fuck ? $599 for a fucking playground ? that looks like a piece of shit . ❜

​❛ FUCK YOUR TEA ! ❜

​❛ the feminists are taking over ! ❜

​❛ I GOT TWO FREE TACOS ! ❜

​❛ and they were roommates ! ❜

​❛ i’m not your friend ! ❜

​❛ there’s no saving this sweet piece of ass . ❜

​❛ hi welcome to chili’s ! ❜

​❛ yeah tip of the penis to you too . ❜

​❛ this is why mom doesn’t FUCKING love you ! ❜

​❛ welcome to bible study , we’re all children of jesus . ❜

​❛ aw fuck , i can’t believe you’ve done this . ❜

​❛ YO HOLY SHIT HE DEAD ! ❜

​❛ this is the dollar store , how good can it be ? ❜

​❛ step back , i think i’m gonna vomit ! ❜

​❛ oh sorry , i didn’t see ya there , i was too busy blocking out the haters . ❜

​❛ shut up ! your mother buys you mega blocks instead of legos ! ❜

​❛ I’LL TAKE A NAP HERE ! ❜

​❛ i hate to do this but i specifically asked for no mustard and you just brought me a bottle of mustard on a plate . ❜

​❛ how are we gonna win if we fucking die ? ❜

​❛ why the fuck would i say printer ? ❜

​❛ the benefits of killing him would be that i’d be pushed way less . ❜

​❛ but it pays off, because i dont even have time to think about dying . ❜

  • <p> <b>My Brain:</b> How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a- HEYYYYY HEYYY shiksa goddess I've been waiting for someone like you I dreamed a dream of endless summerrrrrPOPular you're gonna be popUUlar IM A DEAD GIRL WALKING springggg and summmmerrrr EVERY OTHER DAYYYYY 525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear NINETY-SIX THOUSAND the green green dress, twenty buttons and a strap who lives, who dies who tells your stooooorrrryyyy...<p/><b>Me:</b> Hold on, those weren't the right lyrics.<p/></p>
Why I Quit German

WARNINGS: This story is really gross and/or horrifying but also hilarious imho.  Your health always comes first, so mind the tags:  Violence, Cannibalism Mention, Suicidal Ideation, Feces, Sleep Deprivation, Airplanes, I generally had a really bad time but now it’s hysterical.  Most of the story is under the cut because it’s eight miles long.


In August of 2009 I flew back to Honolulu to do my sophomore year of college with the intention of entering 400-level german. What happened instead is the closest I’ve ever come to personally dying or actually murdering someone.

The problem started the day before my flight, when I attended a birthday party for a very dear cousin in Denver, and due to be in 1 of 2 adults present, ended up driving a bunch of teenagers home and didn’t get home until 12:30 that night.  Oh well, my flight’s at 6AM anyway, I’ll just stay up. I can sleep on the plane, I thought, like a complete fucking fool.

Keep reading

movies that have some asshole or monster claim to be a god and so some team of superheroes or whatever come to save the day, but like with tons of damage and dead people

like there is a much easier solution and it is called Jewish people.

Our real name literally means one who fought G-d

You are gonna get Jews who will just go fuck it and punch this fake god which I mean can’t go wrong with a the classics and your gonna get Jews who will go fuck it and just out logic out debate this fake god.

I’m just saying some asshole showing up claiming to be god realistically a bunch of Jews are gonna just show up going fight me. 

Jews are pretty much the  (ง'̀-‘́)ง in living form 

-Kinetic Abilities Prompt List A Edition

Acidikinesis - Control Sloth

  • I have a personal vendetta against someone wildly more successful than me so I’m trying to make them lazy.
  • You don’t know how to relax so I’m literally filling you with laziness but you just won’t stop.
  • I work at an animal shelter and I sometimes make the animals fit what people are looking for by removing or adding laziness. You haven’t lived until you saw a cat with 0% laziness.

Aciukinesis - Control Sharpness

  • Did you know that most man made spheres are still more jagged than the earth itself? You haven’t experienced softness until you felt a perfectly smooth ball. There’s also not a lot of traction so please cup it in your hands.
  • I’m one of the only chefs here that doesn’t have some sort of hot or cold ability. But me being very clumsy, the ability to make all my knives dull saves my fingers a lot.
  • I keep making all the knives in the kitchen blunt so I can watch my parent-in-law get frustrated and lose their dominance over me.

Aerokinesis - Control Air

  • I can control the air but that doesn’t do a lot so I just got a few wind turbines for my property, so I get power for free. It’s a small win, but I like it. 
  • Sometimes I go to the beach and set up a kite rental booth while making it windy. It doesn’t make much but it helps with rent.
  • No one thinks that controlling air is that cool of a super power until I take it out of their lungs.

Aestatekinesis - Control Summer

  • I hate sweating so I made this summer really mild but it’s affecting my town’s farming economy.
  • I forgot that Alaska’s still supposed to be pretty cold in the summer and I may have made the ice caps melt a little more.

Aggressiokinesis - Control Anger

  • I work in tandem with a crisis clinic and so far, there isn’t a patient I can’t calm down.
  • My anti-aggression dog classes are the best in the business. I even stop by pet shelters.
  • I just love watching these people tear each other limb from limb with blind rage. I’m gonna be sad to see you go though.

Aidoskinesis - Control Humidity

  • One of the only things good about my powers is that I can make my boss’ office so humid they have horrible hair and sweat stains for their meeting with corporate. 
  • My greenhouse is always at the perfect humidity even in the dead of winter.
  • I’m gulty of making someone so humid they’ve taken off their shirt before. It’s a blessing.

Alcokinesis - Control Alcohol

  • You always get too out of hand with your drinking so I just take the alcohol content out of your drinks.
  • My coworker bugs the hell out of me and they’re going in for a company-wide drug test today. I made their breakfast have a healthy amount of alcohol.
  • It’s very fun to see someone pantamime being drunk when they think they are when in actuality I’ve taken all the alcohol out of their drink.

Amokinesis - Control Love and Desire

  • Shit are you actually in love with me or did I manipulate you into liking me?
  • As a joke I was going to make my classmate fall in love with whoever came in next but you did and now I’m very jealous.
  • I make people forget about me when we break up so it’s easy on them but I can’t get rid of my own love for them, even when there’s no chance of getting back together ever now. 

Anthracokinesis - Control Coal

  • I like being alone so I move to Centralia and just turn off the surrounding coals when I’m walking over them. It’s very quiet but very smoky. I need to leave town to buy a gas mask.
  • I bought a bit of land and made a little mine before buying a truckload of coal and just stiking it in the walls. Then, I compressed it all into diamonds.
  • So my parents gave me a little tough love as a child and gave me a piece of coal one christmas. I’ll admit, I was a naughty child. But that piece of coal made me learn of my powers. It’s the only piece I’ll never manipulate anymore.

Antikinesis - Control Antimatter

  • No you can’t come to my antimatter dimension. It’s very private.
  • I think we had a good run, I’m just gonna get a black hole in here real quick.
  • I always wanted to visit Chernobl, good thing I can just sort of turn off the gamma radation and go for a walk. 

Argentokinesis - Control Silver

  • Whoops I’m in werewolf country better make all my clothes and stuff have silver mesh.
  • “Yes this is genuine gold” I say to someone when I took the silver content out of a ring.
  • So I don’t have the best impulse control. I made my rude neighbor’s prized dog into a silver statue and now it’s like… eighty sets of flatwear.

Arthrokinesis - Control Joints

  • I may be a very inactive person, but damned if my joints ever pop. I’m doing sprints anytime I feel like it.
  • I got too excited testing how much I could let my joints move and may have dislocated by shoulder. 
  • Yes, I tried to suck my own dick. Yes, I should have realized that there is actually bone stopping me from bending my spine like that. Don’t laugh at me.

Asterokinesis - Control Cosmic Energy

  • I’ve ascended to be the god of the universe and all I want to do is to stop being in charge and just have some time off for once.
  • I saw how much earth was desperate to meet other beings so I made some closer planets support life. 
  • I’m not just some giant being in space. I’m a regular person. I buy groceries, collect rocks, and I’m desperate for people to never know I made them. 

Astrakinesis - Control Astral Energy

  • I am nearly constantly disassociating. The good news is that I have like thirty dream selves I can be while the others go on autopilot. 
  • I can see spirits so I just deal with ghosts for a living. Most of the time they’re just confused.
  • I can work as a medium for ghosts to talk through but you roleplaying with your dead datemate is the last straw.

Astronkinesis - Control Remnants of Cosmic Substances

  • I realized that in my lifetime I would never see a mission to a star so I made some much closer to us.
  • I don’t feel like this world’s really going anywhere. I’m just gonna supernova the sun next weekend. 
  • My tarot card readings are always perfect and I sincerely want you to leave the country.

Atmokinesis - Control Weather

  • I am the best weather forecaster the world has ever seen. I work for a small town in rural country though. I think I have five hundred viewers on a daily basis? 
  • I always make sure my neighbor’s/parent’s/friend’s/etc farm gets the best weather.
  • My entrences are always punctuated with lightening and I love it.

Atomkinesis - Control Atoms

  • It’s like 3-D printing, only much better. Check out this awesome watch I made.
  • I hope you like nuclear wastelands, because that’s what you’re getting.
  • Surprise, your house is full of radon gas!it’ll stay that way until you do what I say.

Audiokinesis - Control Sound 

  • Nothing quite like a day of absolute silence when you have an audio processing disorder.
  • Movies are very fun to watch when I can make one character silent and just ad lib the dialogue.
  • The fact that I can chat style silence someone is the best.

Aurokinesis - Control Aura

  • I can see how people act before ever talking to them, that’s why you’re the only one in the room I’m going to talk to. 
  • Where I live, auras are very important. So I can easily hide among them as someone without giving an inkling of malice.
  • I personally hate you so now you get too radiate bad energy until you apologize. 

Aurokinesis - Control Gold

  • I’m allergic to what they use in fake gold but I have no money for good jewelry so I just make it gold after I buy it for cheap. 
  • It’s not quite the Midas touch, but I’ve pulled that prank before. 
  • I make golden jewelry and sculptures by making them out of clay/wood/etc and turning them into gold for huge profits.

Autumnuskinesis - Control Autumn

  • My hometown capitalizes on my love of pumpkins and sweater weather by becoming a destination for those looking to beat the heat but don’t want to own a down jacket. 
  • I can make things rot. So I rotted my neighbor’s garden a week before harvest. 
  • I make autumn immediately follow winter so now the world’s harvesting systems are fucked because I get pollen allergies. 

Avarikinesis - Control Greed

  • I’m trying to make the world fair by taking all the greed out of high-ranking officials but sometimes that was their only driving force and they have no actual job experience. 
  • I made someone comically greedy because being a superhero in a town in which no banks need protecting is boring.
  • I want so desperately to not have to take greed out of anymore people. It’s getting so tiring. I need to go on a vacation. 

Avikinesis - Control Avains

  • Having hawks fly to my aide when my boss was giving me shit in the parking lot was definitely a sweet move.
  • I may live in this cottage alone, but these birds are more than enough company. One of them just told me about someone who ate shit on pavement last week in a city ten miles away. It’s awesome.
  • “Bats fly, right? Why can’t I control bats?” “Please just let me do my work.” ‘What about bugs?” “Please go home.” “Do flying fish count?”
Disney Song Starters:
  • “I think it’s time you and I arranged a heart to heart.”
  • “Check the grin, you’re in love.”
  • “The cold never bothered me anyway.”
  • “Reindeer are better than people.”  
  • “At least out loud I won’t say I’m in love.”
  • “Hey, [NAME], not in front of the kids!!”
  • “Don’t try to hide it.”
  • “Life’s full of tough choices, isn’t it?”
  • “Too bad you’re gonna miss the girl/boy.”
  • “I don’t see you anymore.”
  • “If you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you’ll learn things you never knew.”
  • “Help me not to make a fool of me.”
  • “Let me share this whole new world with you.”
  • “When did you last let your heart decide?” 
  • "You think the earth is just a dead thing you can claim.”
  • “You think the only people who are people are the people who look and think like you.”
  • “Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?”
  • “Hold your breath, it gets better.”
  • “I steal only what I can’t afford.”
  • “I can take a hint.”
  • “You’re my only friend [NAME].”
  • “I think it’s time you and I arranged a heart to heart.”
  • “I’m a sensitive soul, though I seem think skinned.”
  • “Hey, [NAME], not in front of the kids!!”
  • “Don’t try to hide it.”
  • “I’m a sensitive soul, though I seem thick skinned.”
  • “I’d blame parents except he/she/you/I haven’t got them.”
  • “Life’s full of tough choices, isn’t it?”
  • “Too bad you’re gonna miss the girl/boy.”
  • “Can you feel the love tonight?”
  • “Why was I a fool in school for cutting gym?”
  • “She/he don’t got a lot to say but there’s something about her/him.”  
  • “They weren’t kidding when they’d call me, well, a witch.”
  • “Don’t underestimate the importance of body language.”
  • “Now I really wish that I knew how to swim.”
  • “Go ahead, make your choice.”
  • “You/I don’t know why, but you’re/I’m dying to try. You/I wanna kiss the girl/boy.”
  • “Poor unfortunate souls in pain, in need.”
  • “Look at this stuff. Isn’t it neat?”
  • “I won’t say I’m in love.”
  • “I wanna be where the people are.”
  • “Wish I could be part of that/your world.”
  • “I’m ready to know what the people know.”
  • “We feel a lot like cattle.”
  • “Our aching feet aren’t easy to ignore.”
  • “The only girl who’d love him is his mother.”
  • “If I were truly to be myself, I would break my family’s heart.”
  • “Must there be a secret me I’m forced to hide?”
  • “I can go the distance.”
  • “When will my reflection show who I am inside?”
  • “You’re the saddest bunch I’ve ever met.”
  • “Say goodbye to those who knew me.”
  • “Heed my every order and you might survive.”
  • “If there’s a prize for rotten judgement, I guess I’ve already one that.”
  • “Face it like a grown up.”
  • “Get off my case!”
  • “I won’t accept defeat.”
  • “I cannot hide who I am, though I’ve tried.”
  • “I have often dreamed of a far off place.”
  • “Don’t let them know.”
  • “It’s time to see what I can do.”
  • “I wanna be like you.”
  • “Well, I’ve seen worse.”
  • “I reached the top and had to stop and that’s what’s bothering me.”
  • “Do you want to build a snowman?”
  • “I’m right out here for you, just let me in.”
  • “You’ll bring honor to us all.”
  • “This is what you give me to work with?”  
camp camp characters as things i have heard/said today at school
  • max: what the fuck
  • nikki: *kicking cones across the gym floor* oh god. I'm so sorry. this is my job - it's my job to destroy, like everything
  • neil: I'm too fucking smart to be in this class, teacher
  • preston: I'm gonna prove you wrong by becoming a broadway actor. I'll kick your ass while tap dancing across stage
  • nerris: my wizard101 friends would say otherwise, check and mate
  • harrison: the deck of cards disappeared because I shoved them up my ass, dude
  • ered: haha it's lit!! wait. no don't walk away I'm trying to be cool
  • nurf: I'll kick your ass into the moon if you don't stop insulting the flower I drew, fucker
  • dolph: crayons are literally my savior
  • space kid: screw getting married in space. I'm gonna LIVE and DIE in space
  • david: I'm what the kids call Fun and Relatable!!
  • gwen: alright can everyone shut up I'm having a crisis. let me get through this in peace
  • quartermaster: no don't look in there. I mean it's not like there's a dead body in there or anything haha
history of the entire world, i guess; a transcript

hi. you’re on a rock, floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it, actually most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you. how did this happen? a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why its been everywhere. it’s been so everywhere, you don’t need a “where”. you don’t even need a “when”. that’s how “every” it gets. (pause). forget this. i wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start. and that’s exactly where it started. (background noise) woah. i… paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing, in a place. don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet. it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. (about no seconds later). great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three called a “proton” or a “neutron”. and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still to (HOT). (about ten minutes later). great news! the protons and the neutrons are now happily married to each other (some of them even doubled up). (about 380,000 years later). great news, the electrons have now joined in. congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together. it’s a staaaar. new shit just got made. some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into even crazier space dust. so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kinda made a mess. which is now the moon. weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside them and now there’s Hot Steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. weather update: its raining. severe flooding alert: the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert: that’s land. there’slifeintheocean. what? something’s alive in the ocean. oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no. a microscopic speck! it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever. oh yeah, and it can do that. it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight. using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun. side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue. then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while, maybe even a coupla times. it’s a sponge, it’s a plant, it’s a worm and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it’s the Cambrian explosion. “wow, that’s animals and stuff.” but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NoO. why? the sun is a deadly lazer. oh okay. not anymore there’s a blanket. now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land! “nope, can’t walk yet. and there’s no food yet so i don’t care.” (100 million years later) ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here? “maybe,” said some bugs, and fish. “uh. uh. uh.” (five million years later) “ok so i can go on land but i have to go back in the water to have babies.” (idea) learn to use an egg. “i was already doing that.” use a stronger egg, and put water in it, have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg, baby, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean. aaand now everything is huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. ah fuck, now everything’s dead. just kidding here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one because its about to become the dinosaurs. here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. and the dinosaurs are gone. its mammal time! here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they’re gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like ‘that’. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make… pointed rocks. “ouch.” and set things on fire. “yeouch.” and make crazy sounds with their voice (“gneurshk.”) which can mean different things. that’s a human person. and now they’re everywhere, almost. ice age. what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore. i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review. there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food. fuck it, time to plant some grass. look at this, i control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next. more food, and more people who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in, and people to make the houses. and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come. and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people. and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power. sociiiety. coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing bronze, made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land. i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what - egypt. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also, china. and did i mention indusrivervalleycivilization. norte chico. the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east. knock knock- er, clop clop, it’s the people with the horses? and they made an empire! and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks, or a beta version of the greeks. let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization. they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china. new arrivals in india. maybe it’s thosehorsepeopleiwastalkingabout or theircousinsorsomething. and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff. you could make a religion out of this. there’s the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business. also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in god. just one though, he’s got like a ten step program. here’s some huge heads, must be the olmec. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. nevermind it’s the babylonian- median- it’s the persian empire. “wow, that’s big.” ah, the buddha was just enlightened! who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea, he was…great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says, “get the hell out of here, will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok thanks bye; time to conquer all of india- or most of india”. but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve got spices. who would like to buy the spices? “me,” said the arabians, swiftly buying them and selling them to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again with good morals as their main philosophy. actually they have three main philosophies. out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload! “bye,” said the parthians, “bye,” said the jews. “hi,” said the parthians, taking over the entire place. “heyyyyyyyy,” said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. “hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular, and then gets arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china! they just made a brand new road to the world…or you can get there on water. “sick, new trade routes,” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again. “remember the persian empire? yup,” said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together. china is whole again…then it broke again. still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels. “hell yeah, now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves. “hi i live in the roman empire and i was wondering, is loving jesus legal yet?” “no” “actually ok sure,” said constantine, moving the capitol way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall. it’s the golden age of india. there’s the gupta empire. not chandragupta, just gupta, first name chandra, the first. guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. or actually, just half is just fine. but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the staaars. oh, and here’s a huge city, population everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together. how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this. and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors. here’s all the wisdom, in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom, just in time for the islamic golden age. “let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise, you’re the new roman emperor,” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france. the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have that much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north, and they find some land. two types of land, and they name them accordingly. they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as vikings. there’s the rus, the kievan rus. are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. ok, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire, the holy roman empire. it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms! christianizeallthekingdoms. which brand would you like? “mine’s better,” “mine’s better,” “mine’s better”. “time to conquer england,” said william. it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the seljuk turks. “ahh!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small it almost doesn’t exist anymore, “we need help!” they need help, so they call the pope. “hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you wanna take back the holy land.” “yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.” crusade. they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail, but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs, goodbye toltecs, hello mississippi. look at those mounds. there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who’s here? khmer. where? here, and pagan is there, and vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis. i bet that will last a long time! some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time. i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold. look at this chad (means lake), there’s an empire there, right in the middle of africa. the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said. the christians are doing a great job of conquering iberia which will soon be called spain and not spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you are still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming. china’s back, yay. hey khmer, time to share, new kingdoms here and there. oh look who controls all the islands, its the mahajapit. majahapit, mapajahit, mahapajit, mapajahit, majapahit? oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth. here’s a printer, lets make books. so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? “yep,” said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. whoops, you missed a spot; don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. “what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless. well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india. “wait,” said christopher colombus, probably smoking crack, “if the world is round, lets go this way to india!” “nah, don’t worry we already got this,” said portugal. so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to go find india by going around back of the world?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.” “please?” “ok.” so he sails into the ocean, and discovers more ocean, and then discovers ‘the indies’ and ‘japan’. let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other. move over lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let’s make it the other kind of islam, the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy. hey christians, do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell. “that’s bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that’s a scam, fuck the church, here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. “you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman, wearing an onion hat, “what if the ottoman empire was really big, which it is now.”  “what if russia was big,” said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade, and then that dream was real. and spain realised that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” question one: can you get to india through north america? no, but at least there’s beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question but the dutch did it anyway. sugar. guess where all the sugar’s made? in brazil. stolen! in the carribean, and it’s so goddamn profitable you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did, it’s britain. guess who’s broke? also britain. so they start taxing the hell out of america.

“fuck you,” says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it. france helps them win, now france is broke. and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? “let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a reli- no don’t. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?” wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back. luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin america wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains, and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. “hey china,” said britain, “buy stuff from us.” “nah, dude we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked actually, but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy-fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afganistan. also the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now, that’s just where he lives. india had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before. technology is about to go crazy. the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. “it’s bad,” they decided. and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land, and maybe kick out the mexicans too. “i know, let’s rape africa,” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia.  britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand. the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more. hawaii. cuba. wait spain controls cuba. “well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on them? let’s blame the maine on spain!” so they blame the maine on spain. now we’re in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go. china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns. it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany. russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government. now everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism, in the soviet union. the arabs revolt, and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind. “let’s cut the cake,” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire. except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey. and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. hello? yes, it’s the 1920s calling. let’s get in a car and drive to a party and listen to the jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever. just kidding. germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model. he’s mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all the jews is a bad idea, but he kills himself before they could explain it to him. that’s world war two. bonus round: pacific showdown, united states versus japan. fight! finish him. let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace. seems legit. “hi i’m gandhi and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india i’m going to starve myself in public. wow, that worked?” bonus: now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans. one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me”, they both said at the same time. “let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.” sike! they both get angrier. look out china, there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! “no thanks,” said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china. there’s the korean war, korea versus korea, nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever. let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. fight! wait no that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. “i’ll race you to space. now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.” europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map, with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let’s check the world population. woah. okay. technology’s better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money; except britain because they don’t feel like it. let’s check the mail. surprise! it’s on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america, i bet they’ll remember that. phone call, surprise, it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise, it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket. whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to. surprise, flying robots! with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic. “let’s save the planet,” said everybody, not knowing how. “let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we?

heathers: a summary

Beautiful: lets meet literally the entire cast (ft. exposition)

Candy Store: betray your morals with a sexy dance number

Fight for Me: Veronica discovers she has a violence fetish

Freeze Your Brain: JD has a mental breakdown at a 7/11

Big Fun: underage drinking

Dead Girl Walking: i’m gonna die soon, lets have sex

Me Inside of Me: commit murder to gain popularity

Blue: *blows rape whistle aggressively*

Our Love is God: maybe dating a violent psychopath wasn’t the best idea

My Dead Gay Son: that’s one way to mourn i guess

Seventeen: let’s not be horribly messed up (proceeds to get horribly messed up)

Shine a Light: therapy

Lifeboat: bitch turns out to be cinnamon roll, depressed

Shine a Light (Reprise): somehow even more depressing than the last one

Kindergarten Boyfriend: could everyone stop attempting suicide please

Yo Girl: well Veronica, you’re fucked

Meant To Be Yours: blowing up a school is romantic, right?

Dead Girl Walking (Reprise): horrible death interspersed with cheerleader routine

I Am Damaged: great now i feel bad for the murderer

Seventeen (Reprise): i just killed my insane bomber ex-boyfriend, wanna watch a movie? 

AMERICAN GODS SENTENCE STARTERS

episode one - the bone orchard. ( contains violence and nsfw themes )

  • ❝ no expertise can surmount a sea that does not wish you to reach shore. ❞
  • ❝ wind can be reasoned with. ❞
  • ❝ celebration was cut short. ❞
  • ❝ only good thing about being in prison is the relief. ❞
  • ❝ tomorrow can’t do anything today hasn’t already managed. ❞
  • ❝ this country went to hell when they stopped hanging folks. ❞
  • ❝ no gallows dirt, no gallows deals. ❞
  • ❝ you know, i’m not superstitious. ❞
  • ❝ i don’t believe in anything i can’t see. ❞
  • ❝ i feel like there’s a fuckin’ axe hanging over my head. i can’t see it, but i believe it. ❞
  • ❝ i can see it fine. ❞
  • ❝ prison has a way of trying to keep you in prison. ❞
  • ❝ i smell snow. ❞
  • ❝ i love you. something feels weird. ❞
  • ❝ i love you too. what feels weird? ❞
  • ❝ the air feels constipated, like if it’d just push out a storm, it’d be okay. ❞
  • ❝ a hundred twenty hours till you’re home. ❞
  • ❝ waiting for the sky to fall is gonna cause more bother than the sky actually falling. which it isn’t. ❞
  • ❝ do not piss off those bitches in airports. ❞
  • ❝ i guess this must be your lucky day, huh ?
  • ❝ you nervous ?
  • ❝ just sit back and be a bird. ❞
  • ❝ i offer you the worm from my beak and you look at me like i fucked your mom
  • ❝ you’re just the first person i’ve met who isn’t an asshole. ❞
  • ❝ give me time. ❞
  • ❝ what would you have done, my boy
  • ❝ seems like a firm decision made for good reasons, i can respect that. ❞
  • ❝ you lost something vital in there, and not just time. ❞
  • ❝ what might i call you, if i were so inclined
  • ❝ always good to meet a fellow traveler. ❞
  • ❝ i usually end up getting what i want. on average, over time. ❞
  • ❝ it’s all about getting people to believe in you. it’s not their cash, it’s their faith. ❞
  • ❝ now, what’s keeping us aloft ? faith ? or newton ?
  • ❝ don’t rush into this, take your time. ❞
  • ❝ there’s always work for a big guy who’s smart enough to know he’s better off letting people think he’s dumb. ❞
  • ❝ by the end of your tenure, you could be the next king of america. ❞
  • ❝ a man gets out of prison, he should be focused above all on not going back. ❞
  • ❝ believe. ❞
  • ❝ i don’t think i have the talent for it. ❞
  • ❝ you … like me
  • ❝ i’m not what i once was. ❞
  • ❝ you’re perfect. ❞
  • ❝ i don’t know what i’m doing. ❞
  • ❝ what man does ?
  • ❝ do something for me. worship me. ❞
  • ❝ worship me. pray to me like i’m your god. your goddess. ❞
  • ❝ you feel so good. i could keep fucking you forever. ❞
  • ❝ say my name. ❞
  • ❝ beloved, i worship your breasts and your eyes and your cunt. and i worship your thighs and your eyes and your cherry red lips. ❞
  • ❝ i am yours, my beloved. ❞
  • ❝ go on, let go ! give me everything !
  • ❝ i love you. ❞
  • ❝ not that rushing into things can’t be a good thing … ❞
  • ❝ sex rushed into tends to work out best for all involved. ❞
  • ❝ okay, i’ve said ‘fuck off’ politely as many ways as i’m gonna. now i’m fixing to be direct. ❞
  • ❝ what the fuck do you know about [ ] ?
  • ❝ more than you, it seems. ❞
  • ❝ i’m not gonna work for anyone who’s got worse luck than me. ❞
  • ❝ call it. ❞
  • ❝ rigged games are the easiest to beat. ❞
  • ❝ you’re a little creepy, and you’re forward, and familiar, and i don’t like it. i don’t like you. ❞
  • ❝ who’re you ?
  • ❝ i’m a leprechaun. ❞
  • ❝ we don’t come from moscow, russia. or moscow, idaho, for that matter. ❞
  • ❝ no details. ❞
  • ❝ devil’s in the details. ❞
  • ❝ do you know who he is ? who he really is
  • ❝ he’s hustling you. he’s a hustler. ❞
  • ❝ damn right. i’m a hustler, swindler, cheater, and liar. it’s why i need assistance. ❞
  • ❝ name your price. ❞
  • ❝ how’d you do it ?
  • ❝ with panache. ❞
  • ❝ simplest trick in the world. ❞
  • ❝ i’ll fight you for it. ❞
  • ❝ win or lose, and you will lose, it’s yours if you fight me. ❞
  • ❝ can you feel the joy rising in your veins like the sap in the springtime ?
  • ❝ i wanted to be a part of your history. ❞
  • ❝ it’s just anger ––– makes you feel like you can change the outcome. ❞
  • [] had the nerve to ask me what i wanted him to do with it. i told him leave it where it found it. ❞
  • ❝ target would be more interesting than here. ❞
  • ❝ if there isn’t some kinda life after death, i’m gonna be so fuckin’ pissed. ❞
  • ❝ there is no closure from the dead. ❞
  • ❝ i’m sorry for your loss, [] , i really am. anyone tell you that yet ? anyone even hug you ?
  • ❝ hear me out, this is a good one. lex talionis. an eye for an eye. a blowjob for a blowjob. ❞
  • ❝ jesus, who knew i could be so angry ?! 
  • ❝ i am trying to get my dignity back here
  • ❝ don’t fuck with me, [
  • ❝ what’s he doing here ? what’s the plan ? what’s the game plan, man ? ❞
  • ❝ how auspicious, you must be special. ❞
  • [ ] is history. forgotten and … old. ❞
  • ❝ we have reprogrammed reality. language is a virus. religion, an operating system, and prayers are just so much fucking spam. ❞
  • ❝ the dominant fucking paradigm, [] , that is the only important thing. ❞
  • ❝ by the way, i was sorry to hear about your wife/husband. tough break. ❞
  • ❝ so, i will ask again: what is it [ ] is up to ? ❞
  • ❝ you saying you don’t know ? … would you tell me even if you did ?