your-stewardess

Petname Babygirl II pt.3

yoongi x reader

genre: filth..fluff? I don’t know except for the smut, dom!yoongi

this chapter contains a bit of everything, I guess

word count: 10.6k


Your business trip involved boring meetings, some time for yourself and you being naked and tied up underneath your boss.

Keep reading

Relax

Harry X Reader: Smut

In which Harry distracts you from your irrational fear of flying.

Request? Yes

Author’s note: This was inspired by a video that someone sent to me! Also, I’ve only flown twice, so let me know if I’ve got some wonky details.


This is not a first. You’ve flown plenty of times. In fact, you were just on a plane a week ago, but it never gets any easier. Now, you’re boarding a flight in New York City that’s meant to take you back to London.

“Oi! Careful, love,” Harry chides, gripping just above your elbow to keep you upright. You’ve stumbled over the entrance to the plane, embarrassingly enough. You blush and thank him quietly under your breath, continuing down the aisle to your seats. Slipping into the next to the window, you pull the shade down before tucking your bag under the seat in front of you. Harry slips in beside you and raises his eyebrows.

“Y/N, yeh don’ wanna see the view?”

You glare at him briefly. He knows how you get. Heights really aren’t your forte, and you have no desire to stare down at the Earth from hundreds of miles in the air. It’s bad enough knowing how far up you are without seeing it.

“Only jokin’, love. C’mon. You’re fine. Flyin’s not so bad.” He pats your thigh and grins, partly to comfort you and partly to tease you. He finds it funny and endearing how much you hate flying.

Keep reading

Stuck Together - Damian Wayne x Reader

Requested by Anon - a story where the reader and Damian like each other but won’t admit it cuz they’re too stubborn so the batfam try to get them together.

Happy Birthday Anon’s friend!!


Damian watched you from across the cave as Alfred wrapped the cut on his arm. You were working on updating files on the batcomputer. The glow from the computer highlighted your face in a way that fascinated him. His fingers twitched with the need to draw to you.

“Master Damian, you may go change now,” Alfred stated, finishing the bandage on Damian’s cut. When Damian didn’t move, Alfred raised an eyebrow, noticing how intently Damian studied you. “Master Damian,” Alfred said again sharply. Damian finally dragged his gaze away from you to look at Alfred. “I’m done with the bandage. You may go change now.”

TT,” Damian huffed, sliding off the table to stalk over to the changing area. When he passed you, you spun around in the chair to face him causing him to slowly stop, catching your eye.

“Are you okay, Damian?” you asked, glancing at the bandage on his arm. He touched the bandage, shrugging his shoulders. 

“It is nothing,” Damian replied softly. The two of you fell silent, caught up in each other’s eyes. A solid minute passed without either of you making a sound. You both would have been there forever if Dick hadn’t appeared, clapping his hand on Damian’s shoulder to snap the two of you out of it.

Keep reading

Underneath the cut is a guide to WHAT BEING EXTREMELY WEALTHY IS LIKE. I did not write this. I saw this on reddit. It is cut into net worths. I just figured it would be helpful for some of you since rich characters are popular. This guide splits it up in an understandable way! Please like/reblog this guide if you found it helpful!

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

this is gonna sound weird, but headcanons for the babes soldier, mccree and gabe about what they're like traveling with their s/o? preferably at the airport! like for ex: who hates being cramped in a tony seat, who gets moody and who gets fast food etc. type stuff! thank u so much,,, i love you u and ur work!!

Nah, not weird at all. ^-^ Thanks for the request!

~~~

Reaper/Gabe

  • He’s so tired and immensely irritated
  • He can smoke his way to almost anywhere in a matter of minutes
  • Why is he getting on a stupid plane?
  • Ah, that’s right
  • You
  • And you’re the one who has to stop him from killing the next person bumps into him after 50 other times before
  • You also have to stop him from throwing someone out the plane
  • You have to stop him from misting out of the plane completely
  • Lord help him, he hates regular human travel so much
  • A while after the flight’s taken off, his rage and edginess wears him down to a sleepy boy and he falls asleep on your shoulder with his arms crossed over his chest
  • You have to stop him from destroying the entire plane when the kid behind him kicks his seat enough times to wake him up

Soldier 76

  • Planes will probably give him a bit of anxiety
  • He’s familiar with Overwatch transportation, so he’s not nervous with those; however, with unfamiliar transportation like a random plane
  • He gets a little clammy while waiting for the plane and hangs onto your hand the entire time
  • You rub his back and shoulders and tell him it’s going to be just fine
  • Once you’re on the plane, it’s not too bad
  • You use a double headphone jack and you both plug in and enjoy some movies
  • He’s still holding your hand
  • He might doze off for a bit, the grip on you loosening a bit and his head resting against the window
  • Any sudden movements make him jump awake though, tighten his grip, and have a mini panic attack until you calm him down again
  • PTSD is a bitch

McCree

  • He thinks flying is cool
  • He’s buying snacks and stuffing his face until the plane gets there
  • Wide awake boy
  • Constantly staring out the window and chattering to you
  • Gets more snacks on the plane
  • You’ll probably fall asleep on him, rather than the other way around
  • If you do, he’ll wrap you in his serape place his hat tipped down on your head so stewardesses know not to bother
  • His excitement calms down halfway through the trip and he ends up watching movies with you instead
Just A Little Vacation

Hello, love bugs

Harry Styles X Reader

Warnings- swears.

Ashley- aka @philanddanxreader


Airplanes are the fucking worst. What could make it worse? An eight-hour flight to London. You had promised yourself that you would take a leap of faith and start exploring the world with Harry.You were thankful that Harry had spent the extra cash for a first class ticket as there was about a thousand times more room in your actually comfortable seat. You were also thankful for the window seat. It’s the perfect place to lean your head when you inevitably try and get some sort of a nap.

Keep reading

youtube

The Flight has Landed. Which Stewardess Earned Your Mile-High Grade

Thank you for joining! Come back next week for another all-new #RuVealed

My students are the best students ever. You can fight me on that, but you will probably lose.

nikki-hasselhoff said: Saint cupcake.

Having a sweet-based nickname is hilarious to me on account of not having much of a sweet tooth.  But in the grand scheme of things, yes, I disproportionately often purvey cupcakes, and therefore deserve it.  My cupcake game is more than adequate.

ashiiblack  asked:

Pliroy - Mile high club 😏

Yuri waited in the small bathroom for the soft knock. It was cramped in there, but it was always something he wanted to do. Just another check mark off his bucket list. He already felt closed in and knew once JJ joined him, it would be an even tighter fit.

What the fuck was taking him so long? Yuri thought as he waited. He told JJ to meet him in the bathroom in a minute. Checking his phone he saw three minutes had passed. Knowing JJ, he was being extra cautious, not wanting people to know what they were up too. Not that them making out in their seats was any indication.

Keep reading

Greece | Chapter I

Word Count: 2,274

Warnings: PURE F L U F F. (and very long)

Summary: The Reader comes along with the cast on a celebratory trip to Greece, and her relationship with Thomas goes on an extreme roller coaster.

After the final day of filming for the Scorch Trials, the cast decided to take a celebratory trip to Italy. Thomas, of course, adamantly refused to come unless he was allowed to take you, to which the rest enthusiastically agreed to.

As you wait for Thomas to unload your luggage from the cab you rented, you could already see people with their cameras held up, crowding Ki Hong and Dylan. You look over to Thomas who gives you a tight-lipped smile. He hands you the light luggage – since you refused to walk empty handed on trips when Thomas does all the work – and began walking over to the waiting pair.

Dylan was taking a picture with a fan when he spots you two, and he began waving aggressively. “Hey, the lovebirds are here!”

The crowd parted – majority of the crowd rushes over to Thomas, asking for autographs, photos and the like – but his arm never leaves your waist. In fact, when you uncomfortably tried to walk to Dylan and Ki Hong, he only tightened his grip around you and clicks his tongue so quietly only you could hear.

A petite blonde girl began stirring up a conversation with Thomas. All of a sudden you felt so small: she was drop-dead gorgeous. He notices your discomfort, though, and began tracing his fingers up and down your waist – something he always did to comfort you.

The girl’s voice suddenly turned small. “Can I grab a picture with you?” she was preparing to hand her phone over to you. Bitch.

“Oh – actually… we have a flight to catch. I apologize.” He gives her an awkward side hug – as if to make up for the wasted photo – and leaves the crowd in an uncomfortable stance, their gaze playing on his hand on your waist. Thomas doesn’t usually refuse photos with his fans, but he knows quite well how you felt about this certain situation, and did what he had to to get rid of that feeling.

You heave out a big sigh, and he looks at you knowingly. “We’ll talk later, princess.” He nuzzles his nose in your hair.

“Hey, cut that crap out, come here, you…” Ki Hong pulls you from Thomas’s lung-squeezing grip and gives you an even more suffocating one. “I missed you, you never show up on set anymore. Newtie boy here taking care of you good?”

You giggle as you give Dylan a bear hug. “Missed you too. College is just… ugh. And yeah, he’s great.” You look over to Thomas, who is smiling at you fondly. “I’m planning on moving in with him in a few months.”

“Oh, geez. Look at ‘ya. All grown up.” Ki Hong smirked. “Well, Y/N, if he misbehaves, just let me know so we can knock some sense into his blonde head.”

“Oh, shut up, Ki, let’s get going,” Kaya jumps in, and excitedly began leading the way.

Thomas links arms with you and bent over so his lips was leveled with your ear and he whispers huskily, “Just to be clear, sweetheart, I do intend on misbehaving a great deal on this trip, and I do prefer you don’t tell Ki Hong about it.”

You were probably as red as tomatoes now. You glare at him, and his laugh confirmed it.

The plane had three seats per column – which earned a few stares at you two. “No one’s sitting with those two, so I guess I’m sitting with these two right here.” Ki Hong gestures to Dylan and Kaya, who were already pulling out earphones and taking selfies.

“You wanna take the window seat, babe?” Thomas asks as the three take their seats on the column next to yours.

“Oh, sure. Ki Hong’s gonna talk me to death.”

“Your mouth, princess.” Ki Hong grins playfully at you as he puts his headphones on his head.

You were the first ones there, so you had a great amount of time to waste. However, they just got out of work, technically, so all of them, save you and Kaya (who was beyond thrilled), were already dead asleep.

You were in your usual position – your arm was around Thomas, your chin on his chest, allowing him to put his weight on you. He wore a light grey shirt, and you had his scarf around your neck. Eventually, you dozed off as well.

-

You woke up to a sunrise, Thomas chatting quietly with Ki Hong about some prank pulled during the set. He probably felt you squint at the small ray of sunlight directed at you because he gave your intertwined fingers a squeeze before drawing the curtains.

As if on cue, the pilot began speaking over the intercom, announcing that you will land in approximately ten minutes. There was a hushed bustle about you then, and you sigh and fall on Thomas’s chest.

“You exhausted?” he asks.

“Just sleepy. It’ll wear off.” You mumbled loud enough so he could hear.

“Come on, sport, we’re gonna go try that coffee place Will’s been babbling about, so wake up.” Dylan grins, and Kaya coos.

“She’s so adorable, Thomas, you’re so lucky.” She probably thinks you are asleep again, because she knows how much you hate it when she gawks at your so-called PDA.

“The hell I am.” He chuckles, kissing you repeatedly on the forehead.

You rub his arm to imply that you are awake, but your eyes were still closed.

A stewardess approaches your isle. Well, she woke you up, to say the least. She addresses Thomas in an achingly seductive tone, “Can I get you anything at all before we land, sir?” she moves her arms in a way as to push her breasts upward.

Thomas coughed uncomfortably, and the three look at you pitifully. “Just water for my girl, please. She hasn’t hydrated herself well. Thanks.”

Just when the girl was out of sight, Kaya began. “Awww, look at you, got him wrapped around your little finger!”

“Thomas, what was that for?” you demanded, but you were already internally screaming your lungs out.

“Just gotta tell her I already found my half, love.” Thomas smiled slyly.

“Oh, shush.” You tried to glare at him, but it only resulted in a pout.

“Should have sat between you two,” Ki Hong mumbles under his breath.

-

Greece was breathtaking. You start the day with a meal in an open-air balcony café after settling in the hotel, under Will’s insistence. It was comfy, lined with couches and low coffee tables and throw pillows, overlooking the sea.

Thomas pulled his sunglasses on and unbuttoned his collared shirt a few down. And even after four years together, you couldn’t help but stare.

“Something you fancy, love?” Thomas teases, and laughs again once blood visibly creeps up your cheeks.

“Stop it,” you whined, nuzzling your nose on his shoulder to hide the embarrassingly visible blush.

“Sorry, baby, you’re just so…” Thomas shakes his head amusingly. “I’m an idiot for trying to describe you.”

You sigh. Why is he so cheesy?

You catch his attention. “Babe, you know where the restrooms are?”

“Down the hall to the left, sweetie.” Kaya smiles.

“Want me to come with?” Thomas sits up.

“I’m good.” You peck his cheek and walk to the bathroom, bringing your purse with you.

Upon exiting the bathroom, you didn’t realize you left your purse open, and it only took one sway of your arm to have all your toiletries flying across the hall. A brunette man in a sweater began helping with the mess.

“I’m so sorry – it must be jetlag or something,” you smile sheepishly.

“Ah, a tourist. Interesting.” English accent. Great. “I’m Paul.”

“Y/N.” you take his hand and shake it firmly.

“What brings you to Greece, Y/N?”

“My friends just finished with their latest project and invited me to come with them here to celebrate.”

“Ah, what good friends you have. Where are you seated?”

“Just the corner of the balcony…” you reply uneasily. Thomas won’t be happy about this.

“Ah. That’s where my buds are as well. I’ll walk you.”

You have no choice, then. You’re both going the same route. Once Paul reached his table, he swiftly takes your hand and presses his lips against it, making you say a little prayer that Thomas didn’t see. That is the last thing you want him to see. “It’s been splendid making your acquaintance, beautiful.”

You smile nervously before rushing to your friends, whose gazes are falling from Paul to you. You scratch your head frustratingly and take your place beside Thomas.

“Who’s your friend?” Thomas asks gently, bitterness playing in his tone.

“Not exactly a friend. Made a mess in the hall and he helped out.”

Thomas gave a sound of acknowledgement and took a large sip of his coffee, his eyes fixed on Paul.

“Don’t do it,” Dylan warns.

“We’re here to have fun, Tommy, relax!” Kaya smiles, her eyes falling on you.

You intertwine your fingers with his, as if marking your agreement with them.

“Alright, alright. Cut the cheap drama. Let’s get back to the hotel then we’ll go around town, yeah?” Will’s voice brought us back down to earth.

“Thomas, try to have fun, alright? Chances are I’ll never see him again.”

“Yeah, I will. But if he does show up again, I’ll give him a talking to.” He sits on the bed, and you stand between his legs, your fingers toying with the hair on his neck.

To take your minds off the topic, Thomas offers to take you to the local bookstore while the others rest.

-

Well, books, they were your life. It’s what brought you to Thomas. So, once you get past the door, you peck Thomas’ cheek and run to the fictional books. A routine you two know and love. He smiles and walks to the history section.

Newt finds an interesting book, but a certain, four-eyed brunette catches his eye almost the second the brunette spots you, browsing restlessly.

The brunette closes his book and straightens his hair, obviously preparing to approach you, oblivious to Thomas’ glare – an effect of the internal war between strangling the lad and reacting rationally.

The former wins the upper hand. Unsurprisingly.

One step the lad took towards you and Newt already has a firm hand on the lad’s shoulder. “Don’t even consider, bud.”

The brunette looks at him like he’s insane. Maybe he is. “I’m sorry, have we met?”

“Thomas.”

“Paul.”

“Ah. That’s your name.”

“I’m sorry, but what is this about? Are you lost?”

“No, sport. I’m not the one who doesn’t know his place here. You see that girl, there?” Thomas and Paul look over at you, already seated beside a pile of books.

“Adorable, isn’t she?” he smiles fondly.

I suppose, yeah. She is my girlfriend after all, so I’d suggest to, you know, maintain some distance.“

Thomas licks his lips and walks over to you. You smile at him, and drift your attention back to the book.

Thomas sits on the floor next to you and puts his hand on your shoulder. “Find anything yet?” he whispers.

“Nope, they’re all so expensive.” You sigh. “Sherlock three will have to wait.” You giggle.

Thomas picks the neglected copy up. “I’ll get it for you.”

You look at him in disbelief. “Oh, my god. Thomas!” you wrap your arms around his neck and began kissing him all over. His nose, his forehead, his cheeks… his lips.

Thomas pulled away to glance at something behind you, only to find nothing. “What is it, Thomas?”

“Nothing, thought I saw someone.” He smiled. “Let’s get this home, shall we?”

“You don’t ha-“

“Shush.”

You despise it when he buys you things, so he never really does. But when he does, it’s always out of the ordinary, as if to make up for the times he wanted to get you something but couldn’t because of your stubbornness.

Your phone buzzed. Kaya. Dinner at Laura’s in five. X

“That’s down the road.”

“Who’s Laura?” you mutter, and Thomas laughed.

“It’s a diner, Y/N.”

“Oh.”

Silence.

“Well, I don’t know if I want to go to someplace noisy today.”

“I’m quite sleepy as well. To the hotel then?”

You two walk back to the hotel after you text Kaya, telling her that you and Thomas decided to rest.

You take off all your clothing, and began to run a bath.

“Mind if I join you?” Thomas says from the door, shrugging his leather jacket off.

“Not at all.”

The tub wasn’t built for two, to say the least. So you sat in between his long legs, your head against his chest as he hums to you.

You eventually doze off, leaving Thomas to drain the tub and carry you to bed, bridal style, and dress you in underwear and his shirt – your shirt, technically – since you wear it every night.

Once he dresses in his boxers, he joins you, settling in your usual position when it’s cold. Facing the same way, your legs entangled with each other, his nose in your hair, your cheek pressed against his chest, and your arms around each other. And just this night, everything seemed to fall into place.

Until the next morning.

Surrender: Part Three

Summary: As a flight attendant, you’d traveled all over the world. You’d never thought you could meet someone who could take you somewhere you hadn’t already been.

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Reader, Natasha, Steve, Tony Stark [more to be added]

Warnings: smut, angst, fluff, violence, cursing, possible death, possible murder, crime, idfk… reader beware.

A/N: Alright, let me know what you think guys. Is this moving too slowly? This chapter is unbetad so be gentle. 

CATCH UP HERE

PART TWO


Originally posted by provocatize

“Alright, folks,” the captain’s voice plays over the speaker, “it seems like we are having a minor issue with our landing gear. Nothing to worry about, we’ll have you on your way in no time. We appreciate your patience.”

The captain and the lead FBI agent, Agent Stark or something, decided it was best to keep the rest of the passengers in the dark of what was going on. They decided on a minor mechanical difficulty, and nobody on board seemed to be any the wiser.

“Miss Y/N, can you hear me?” Agent Stark asks.

Keep reading

10

Airplane! (1980)

Directed by Jim Abrahams, David Zucker & Jerry Zucker
Cinematography by Joseph F. Biroc

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your stewardess speaking… We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused, this is due to periodic air pockets we encountered, there’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight… By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?”

anonymous asked:

Hi Iris! Do you have any music recs for people who like Josh Ritter? I’m digging the black hair by the way. The tie is beautiful!

Oh, do I!  If you haven’t listened to Tom McRae and James Vincent McMorrow, you should totally check them out.  I think Tom will fit the bill especially well.

Thank you, anon!  It’s so bizarre to look in the mirror and not see ginger hair.

Flight: Mark (GOT7)

PRETEND THAT GOT7 WOULD BE IN ECONOMY CLASS LMAO
Y/D means your destination!!

“Flight UA824 is now boarding,” the intercom of the airport announced.

You stood up lazily and made your way to the line starting to form. You glanced at your boarding pass, the letters of your destination beamed at you.

To say you were excited was a complete understatement, you’ve been anticipating this vacation forever.

“Boarding pass, please.” A man asked once you reached the front of the line. You held it out and he nodded,“this way.”

You thanked him and hoisted the straps of your backpack higher onto your shoulders. You tugged on your carry-on luggage as you walked down the ramp to the aircraft.

A female flight attendant greeted you at the door,“Seats A through E on this side, everything else turn right!” She smiled politely as you turned right and began to search for your seat near the back of the plane.

You reached your row; thankfully no one was sitting there yet. You placed your luggage into the overhead compartment before slipping into the window seat.

Minutes later, you sensed two figures plop themselves into the empty seats next to you. You shifted a bit, you’ve never sat next to a stranger on a plane before; you hoped they weren’t annoying or crazy.

About half an hour passed before the plane started moving onto the runway. The sudden speed sent your hands to clutch your armrests, which resulted in awkwardly holding hands with the person next to you.

You blushed furiously, keeping your eyes on the back of the seat in front of you,“sorry.” You pulled your hand away and placed it onto the book resting on your lap.

“It’s alright,” the person chuckled.

You pursed your lips and put in your earbuds before opening the novel. Because you were so into the story and the music, you didn’t realize you were an hour into the trip already.

“Excuse me,” the stranger next to you poked your shoulder.

You pulled out your headphones to subtly glare at the person. Your attempted bitch face turned into an awestruck expression. Two boys, good-looking ones if I may add, were staring intently at you.

“Y-yes?” You cringed at your croaky voice. You cleared your throat,“yes?”

The boy sitting next to you grinned before repeating the attendant’s question,“would you like anything to drink?”

“I’m fine, thank you.” You shook your head at the stewardess that was looking at you expectantly. She nodded and pushed the drink cart to the next row. Your gaze rested on the blonde hair the boy next to you had. He patted it down consciously before returning to his conversation with the boy with jet black hair.

Jet black hair glanced at you, causing you to turn away while blushing. You set your attention on the bestseller book you were a fourth way in. Yet, you couldn’t force yourself to continue reading. You were growing self-conscious, due to the fact that literal angels were sitting next to you.

One weird move could send you to hell. You wondered if you should even breathe! You softened your phone’s volume, just in case they decided to take you into consideration again.

“Here you go,” Blonde hair flashed another one of his dazzling smiles. He held out a small package.

Your heart was going to beat out of your chest,“thank you.” You accepted the airplane snack and tucked it away into the pocket in front of you.

“My pleasure,” his smile didn’t fade, even when you tore your eyes away from his glorious face.

“Miss,” jet black hair spoke up.

You looked up shyly, hoping your cheeks weren’t flushed completely.

He gave a mischievous smile before blurting,“my friend thinks you’re pretty.”

“Jackson!” Blonde hair nervously laughed and slapped his shoulder in a playful, yet harmful, way.

“Oh,” was all you could say.

“I’m so sorry, please forgive him.” Blonde hair nodded his head towards jet black hair— Jackson, if you heard correctly—before bowing slightly.

“I-it’s alright!” You smiled warmly,“I don’t mind.” You mentally face-palmed, great. Now it sounds like you’ve been receiving compliments your whole life.

Blonde hair slightly tilted his head and gave you a soft smile, then turned to glare at his friend. “You’re not supposed to say those kind of things out loud!”

You stifled a giggle and felt your confidence boost a bit,“I’m Y/N.”

“I’m Mark,” blonde hair revealed.

“Nice to meet you,” you smiled shyly.

“You too,” he returned your gesture.

“Pfft, I’ll just talk to Jr. then.” Jackson pouted and turned around to chat with his other friends.

“Sorry about him,” Mark lowered his voice.

“It’s okay,” you dismissed Jackson’s outgoing personality.

Mark let out a breath of relief and relaxed in his seat. You watched him attentively, thinking of what else to say. Just as you opened your mouth to break the ice, the plane shook franticly. You awkwardly squeaked at the disturbance and clutched onto the armrests.

You accidentally grabbed Mark’s hand again. You were about to pull away, but he kept your hand still.

“It’s alright, just a little turbulence.” Mark smiled sweetly at you.

Your face flushed,‘geez… This boy really likes to smile, it’s causing me so much pain in my chest!’ You nodded and slipped your hand away from his. You low-key wish you hadn’t, it felt so comfortable and soothing.

“So, why’re you heading Y/D?” He opened up a conversation, hoping to learn more about you during this long flight.

“Well…” You began to explain your reason.

He listened carefully, nodding his head along to your words. He occasionally added in commentary, which were to make you laugh. After you finished your justification, you helplessly yawned.

“Oh, am I keeping you up?” Mark asked.

You shook your head,“no, no. I’m just a little tired by this late flight, that’s all.”

“It’s okay, you can sleep and I’ll wake you up when the food comes by.” He promised.

You shrugged,“if you say so… Thank you.”

“My pleasure, Y/N.” He smiled as your name rolled off his tongue.

You gulped and shyly turned on your side. You draped the light blanket over your legs and propped the pillow onto the side of the airplane. It was easy to fall asleep, since the plane dimmed the lights. But, a sudden flash woke you up.

“Wha—” you rubbed your eyes and realized that something was different. You glanced at your watch, you managed to get two hours of sleep! You looked over to see Jackson and his buddies staring at you while snickering.

You rose a brow in confusion then noticed how hard your pillow felt… Nope, not a pillow, it was Mark’s shoulder. You moved around in your sleep and ended up on his shoulder, how embarrassing! Luckily, Mark fell asleep as well.

“You guys are so cute,” Jackson whispered and shoved his bright phone screen into your face.

You squinted and let your eyes adjust; he managed to get a picture of you and Mark.

“Oh god,” you groaned and turned around.

“Mark! Y/N! It’s time to wake up!” An unfamiliar voice sang in a mocking way.

You sat up immediately, not wanting to be caught resting your head on Mark again. Speaking of Mark, he lazily woke up and looked over at you.

“You snore when you sleep,” he chuckled. You blushed furiously and profusely apologized. “Nah, it’s cute. You’re cute.” He lifted his hand to ruffle your already messed-up hair.

You melted underneath his touch,“thanks, I think?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Mark ran his fingers through his own hair. “Say, how about we hang out after we land? Unless you have other plans…”

You responded excitedly,“no! No, I’m free.”

He grinned widely while being teased by his friends,“great! Sounds like a date.”

cAn I jSut hAVE a ClicHE MOMENT LIKE THIS PLS THATS ALL IM ASKING SEFORFO *cries violently* have i ever mentioned how fluffy mark’s voice makes me ???????? iT mAkes me SCREAM (,:

Today, I fucked up... by going to a yoga class.

I decided to go to a yoga class. OK. That’s obviously a lie. My GF talked me into it. She said something about how flexibility is a real turn on or people should be able to touch their toes without sweating and gargling, or some such malarkey. In reality, I think she just didn’t want to go alone, and taking me meant that there was no possible way for her to be the worst one there. And I’m obviously too dumb to realize all of this because it all just now occurred to me. Damn it.

Anyways, I went. When we arrived, I was the only dude there. Everyone else was in good shape, female, and wearing all of the yoga accoutrements. Yoga pants, headbands, funky big shirts that still showed some part of their athletic tops, and bare feet. Most of them were standing around on one foot with their other foot flamingoed to their knees. They were probably drinking herbal tea and discussing their upcoming retreat to India. They were all petite and graceful. And then there was me. I looked like a guy at a pick-up basketball game that was about to get chosen last.

I walked over to the lady behind the computer to pay up. The computer was playing soft world music. I paid my money, and was given a yoga mat, a towel, a foam block, a nylon strap thingy, and a pillow. I was fairly confused by most of these items, but I couldn’t help but be a little excited by the pillow and the prospect of a nap.

When I walked in, nearly all of the spots were taken. There were two spots together in the far back corner next to the door and the fan. Perfect for the old cool down and escape routine I was already planning in my head. I put down my mat in its little premarked mat parking spot, and I flopped down. I left my brick, nylon strap, and pillow behind me. I kept my towel close by.

When the instructor came in and sat down, everyone got quiet. She spoke in a soft, pleasant voice. She used words like energy, spirit, awakening, inner, and good morning.

The first thing she had us do was make a surfer, hang loose hand gesture and then hold our noses between our thumbs and pinkies. Then we were to alternate nostrils and take deep breaths in and out of one nostril then plugging it and breathing in and out of the other one. Despite having a little cramp in my hand, I’d give myself a solid B+ for Nostril Plug Breathing Pose.

After making sure that we got all of the snot out of our noses (I’m guessing that’s what it was for) we were told to get on all fours. Once we were all into Mount Me Pose we were to alternate between Cow Pose and Cat Pose. Cow Pose means you put your chest and belly down. Being of a certain body type and having gravity on my side, this particular pose was no problem. Although, the term Cow Pose does seem a bit mean. Cat Pose is where you arch your back straight up like a cat stretching in the morning sunlight. Alternating between these two poses made me look like a giant, sweaty, dryheaving cat. I’d give myself a B- for Yaking Kitty Flow.

After Yaking Kitty Flow, we moved into Child’s Pose. Having taught children for years now, I’d say that this name is severely inaccurate. Child’s Pose should either be having your hand out asking for candy, pointing across the room because another kid did some stupid shit, or squirming around holding your crotch. This particular pose looked like a slave bowing to their masters in old films about Egypt. We were told that if we ever need to take a break, or if anything becomes too tough then we could always revert back to Eqyptian Slave Pose. This part worried me a bit since this pose wasn’t particularly comfortable. You are supposed to have your arms stretched out in front of you praying to the sun-god, Ra, while also placing your ass on the heels of your feet. But for some reason when I try to sit on my heels, it’s like I have a forcefield preventing me from going the rest of the way down. Apparently, my muscles are pretty stubborn. So, after the 4th attempt of bouncing my ass at my heels and nearly rocketing forward head first into the lady in front of me, I just accepted my version of Egyptian Slave With a Floaty Ass Pose.

Next, we did a Plank. This is the top of a push up that you just hold for about forever and a day. Once your arms start to tremble pretty hard then you get to pick up one of your feet and point it straight up in the air at the ceiling. This is pretty smart because then your body doesn’t know which pain to focus on, so you just hone in on not drooling all over yourself. Once you feel like jelly, you get to swing your leg that’s supposed to be elegantly positioned at 12 o’clock, but in all actually is chillin more towards a shaky 4-4:30, all the way up to you chest and place your foot in between your hands. Having lost all feeling in my leg, I let it swing freely. My knee struck me in the chest and my foot landed on my hand, but my arms were thankful for the extra support of holding up my pudgy torso.

From here you get to stand up in Warrior 1 Pose. You pretty much stand like Rafiki holding up Simba for all the animals in the Lion King to see. From there you do a little jig and change to Warrior 2 Pose. This one makes you look like you are surfing a huge wave. You put both arms out and pop a super hard gangster lean to one side. You’ll know you are doing it right when it feels like your leg is being slowly sawed off at the hip joint. Your arms are also supposed to be stretched out and strongly posed at 3 and 9 o’clock. But that shit hurts. When was the last time you held your arms up longer than the few seconds it takes to get something off of a high shelf or display your enjoyment when going on a roller coaster? So, after every few seconds, I kept pretending like I had different itches all over so I could release the tension from my arms. I also wondered how many people would notice if I just dropped down to Egyptian Slave With a Floaty Ass Pose.

Then we cooled things down a bit. We laid down and just stretched our hand above our heads in ‘the remotes behind me and I can almost get it’ pose. After this we were told to hug our knees and rock back and forth. This one was my favorite because after all this punishment, there wasn’t anything I wanted more than to get into the fetal position and rock back and forth.

Now that we were good and warmed up we started doing our Venice Sausage Flow (I may have misheard her). This is where you stand up. A+. Then you touch your toes (upper shins). C-. Then, you lumber down to a trembly plank. D+. Then you do this sort of circular push up that ends with your head up and your bosom thrusted forward like The Little Mermaid coming out of the ocean. It felt like a lap dance manuever. Then you stick your butt up in the air while on all fours, then sensually rise up. Then you just rinse and repeat. I’ll be honest, I felt a bit like Magic Mike with a hard emphasis on the XL.

The next thing we did was cross our feet and and touch our toes (knees). At this point the GF assisted me by giving me my foam block. I would’ve prefered it be about 2 feet taller, but it did help quite a bit. This was the point that I started to notice how much I smelled. And despite being super happy to be right in front of the fan, I also happened to realize that it was doing very little to keep me cooler while simultaneously wafting my stench through the whole studio. Being super nice yoga chics, they only gagged slightly. If anything, it’ll prepare them for their Indian retreats.

After that we were told to get on our bellies. Aced that one. Then we were asked to bend our legs and grab our ankles from behind. In my younger days, we called this a flying squirrel. We would do this off the diving board all the time. Apparently, time has not been friendly to my joints. Try as I might, I was unable to grasp both of my ankles. I got one of them once, but the little bastard slipped out of my sweaty hand as I lunged at the other one. This is when the instructor came over, grabbed my nylon strap, and put me into Self-Hogtie Pose. Fucking embarrassing. It was like sitting on an airplane, struggling to fasten your seat belt, and then having everyone watch as the stewardess brings your fat ass the seat belt extender. Since I was all tangled up, I was unable to just give up and enter Egyptian Slave With a Floaty Ass Pose. I just had to fight through the pain.

After that we were told to get the pillow out. Finally, nap time! But instead we were instructed to put it behind our butts and lift our legs straight up in the air. Determined not to get strapped up again, I fucking killed it. My legs were straight as arrows for like a minute. Let’s be real though, they would drop considerably whenever the instructor wasn’t looking. But they were straight as shit when she was.

After a whopping 75 minutes of self-inflicted pain, we were finally able to quit. At the end everyone was given time to sit quietly and reflect. At the end of self-reflection time, or as I like to call it, “swearing that I’ll never fucking do this bullshit again” time, everybody did an Asian hand clap motion and said the name of their favorite Indian restaurant. I tucked my tail firmly between my legs and got the fuck outta dodge. Yoga is not for everybody.

TLDR- Stunk up a yoga studio, and got hog-tied by my instructor for sucking at life.

Check out more TIFUs: Internet`s best fuck ups are here.