your wallet or your life

I hope that in 2017 your wallet will be as thick as Jimin’s thighs, that your life will be as joyful as Hobi’s existence, that your academic/job career will be as successful as Yoongi, that you are as loved as Jungkook is, that you are as determined as Jin is, that your mind will be as youthful as Taehyung’s but as wise as Namjoon’s

I’ve been doing Martial arts for 7 years, and here are a few things you need to know about basic self-defense.

First of all, forget everything you’ve ever seen in a movie or TV show. Every time I watch an action scene I cringe, even the most realistic fight scenes are unrealistic.


Punching someone doesn’t hurt your fist if you do it right. When you make a fist, you need to clench as tightly as possible. A loose fist is a sure way to break some of your knuckles and fingers while doing minimal damage to the opponent.

Make sure you’re hitting with the main knuckles (the base ones that connect your hand to your fingers) of the index and middle finger. Your ring and pinky knuckles aren’t designed to take a hit like that, and will almost definitely break if you hit someone with it.

Thumb placement in a fist has always surprised me, and where someone puts their thumb tells you a lot about their fighting experience. In the picture above, you can see what to never ever do. Punching someone like this will break your thumb. Your thumb should be placed on the outside of your fist. The picture below shows how you should make a fist, with the thumb lying outside of the fist, and not sticking out anywhere. If your thumb sticks out in any way, you will break it or injure it.


Realistically, you are probably not going to kick someone in a fight. If you know what you’re doing, it might work, but unless you have a lot of experience, kicking is a dangerous thing for you in a fight. If you’re going to kick, remember a few things

  •    Always pull the toes back. When kicking, you want to hit with the top, ball of the foot (where the toes meet the foot) or the heel, depending on the kick. Your toes break very easily, and kicking anyone with them will break them.
  •    Don’t kick high. The higher you kick, the less power you have. Aim for knees and groin.
  •  Don’t leave the kick out there. Once you’ve connected with the target, place your foot on the ground. If you kick someone and don’t incapacitate them, they will almost definitely try and grab your leg.

Defense against a gun:

Run. If the gun is not within reach, or to your back, run. If they’re trying to kidnap you, you actually have a very good chance of escaping unless you cooperate with them and are moved to a secondary location. There is only a 4% chance of them hitting you, and even less that it’s in a vital organ/region. Run in a zig-zag preferably while yelling as much as you can.

If you are being mugged/robbed, cooperate. It’s not worth risking your life for your wallet.            

If you are within arm’s length of the gun, slap it as hard as you can. The attacker is very nervous and probably does not have a tight grip on the gun. Slap and run.

If the gun is behind you, but within arm’s length, turn around while waving your arms(preferably while yelling) and once you see can  the gun, slap, and run.

Defense against a knife:

Knives are tricky things, and there is almost no way to defend against one without getting cut somewhere. Realistically, you won’t see a knife attack coming. But in case you do, here’s what you need to do.

  •       Stay out of their range. This is critical when defending against a knife, you want to be as far away from them as possible. You want to see their attack coming
  •       Wait for them to attack first. Unarmed, it is very unlikely that you will be able to attack someone with a knife, but much more likely you’ll be able to defend against it. Once they have attacked, you have two options: Isolate the hand with the knife (grab their hand or wrist) or attack and incapacitate before they can react. The first one takes practice (or luck), so in a fighting situation, I would go with the second one. Once they’ve lunged at you, step to your right (if the knife is in their right hand) and to the left if it’s in their left hand. Once you are somewhat out of harm’s way, the attacker will be leaning into the attack and be somewhat off balance. There are two things that you can do right now, kick them over, or push them. If you are new to kicking, shove the attacker as hard as you can, and run.

Defending against a knife is very difficult, and I would recommend taking a self-defense course, or taking Martial Arts classes

Defense against a bat (or other blunt item)

Bats are very unsophisticated items, and easy to defend against

Wait for your attacker to swing first, and get out of the way. That’s a lot easier said than done, but really a duck or a leap backward will do the trick. Once you’ve done that, the attacker will still be being carried over by the weight and momentum of the bat, and you’ll have plenty of time to attack them while their vulnerable, or run.

Where to strike

When you’re hand striking, you want to aim for the throat, ears, nose, temple (area next to the eyes and ears), and sometimes the eyes themselves. If possible, you also want to strike the back of the neck.

With kicks, you want to aim for the stomach, knees, and groin. A good kick (of almost any kind) to the knees will be sure to hurt a lot if it doesn’t completely disable the attacker.

When striking with knives, if you aren’t looking to kill, just to disable, a stomach stab is okay. If you are in a situation, and you have a knife, and you are in immediate danger, a stabbing someone in the stomach may not stop them. Under normal circumstances, it would be crippling. The plain plus the shock of being stabbed could take out almost anyone under normal circumstances. But in the event of being attacked, there is adrenaline. Not to mention whatever drugs your attacker may be on. A stomach stab may hurt, but if your attacker is determined, it won’t stop them.

If you want to disable with a knife, go for extremely painful and disabling places, like the knee. Stabbing (or shooting) someone in the knee is called kneecapping, and it is one of the most painful things a person can do.

In summary, if you are in a situation where your life is in danger, that is not the time to be a hero. Get out of there if you can. If there is no way out, realistically, you have about 3 seconds to react. You want to hit hard, and preferably in the face. Don’t wait for them to react to that first strike. Keep on hitting. If there are multiple people, strike the one directly in front of you as hard as possible. Then run as fast as you can, it will take the remaining opponents a few seconds to go from fighting to chasing.

Customer 1: “Can I get a pack of [whatever cigarettes]?”

Me: Can I see your ID please?

Customer 1: *storms off* “I’M TWENTY ONE!!″

Me: ”….” *goes on to help Customer 2*

Customer 1: *Comes back in line* (While I’m still helping Customer 2) “You guys need to remember my face. I’m sick and tired of always having to bring my ID in here. I’m 21 years old, this is ridiculous.”

*Customer 2 walks away*

Customer 1 (aka Asshole): “Did you ID him??!”

Me: “No….he’s not under 40. You’re under 40.” *he continues arguing until I’m done ringing him up*

Okay one, I see so many people all the time and you expect me to remember you? Two, I HAVE TO ASK FOR AN ID IT’S MY JOB! Three, you’re only 21, why are you getting mad?! And why don’t you carry your ID in your wallet like a normal human

I had Discworld thoughts again…

So Carrot is a dwarf, right? And what distinguishes dwarves? They all have beards and they’re all (at least when Carrot was growing up in Copperhead) considered men. Until Cheery, there was no openly female dwarves.

But Carrot is always drawn and described as clean-shaven (we get pretty regular descriptions. He’s tall -around 6′6″, has short red hair and is clean shaven). Why though? Surely as a dwarf, regardless of height, he’d want to grow a beard, especially considering how important a beard is to dwarvishness (no references, but isn’t it canon that if a dwarf can’t grow a beard, they buy a fake one?).

We know his father kept his hair trimmed for Reasons of Hygiene, but maybe the reason Carrot doesn’t have a beard is because he can’t grow one…

Basically, I’m suggesting trans man Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson. After all, armour can compress quite a bit, and while the dwarvish gender system can grate upon those like Cheery, maybe for Carrot the reason he never questioned it was because he always identified as a man, well dwarf.

Imagine Vimes taking a while to realise, before quietly figuring it out. He considers for a long time what he should do with the information before eventually casually asking Cuddy about dwarvish gender. Cuddy is confused but explains how all dwarves are he and thus Vimes quietly settles down, deciding he can’t fault the boy, who after all is a good dwarf, and an amazing officer.

Nobby, who was the first Carrot actually told, because while Nobby may be a petty thief and his species is somewhere up in the air, once he’s your friend you can trust him with your life, if not your wallet. As the Watch begins to expand, Nobby is the one who kicks up a fuss about the privies and gets a few individual ones set up away from the big communual ones. Carrot gives him some dwarf bread, sent down fresh from the Copperhead hills in thanks. Nobby then turned out to be the one being capable of eating Ironfoundersson dwarf bread. Carrot now shares his monthly care package with Nobby.

Colon, who never worked it out, who only found out when Angua and Nobby got onto the topic whilst patrolling together and was shocked beyond measure. Lots of exclamations of “But the lad’s near 7 foot!” and “He never said!” were proclaimed. Luckily, the bustle of Sator Square hid the shouts. After the initial shock, he’s odd around Carrot for a few months before Carrot very earnestly asks him what he’s done wrong. They have a long talk but things only really return to normal when Carrot talks down the Slabbed-out troll who was about to eat Colon.

Angua, who knew the moment she met Carrot, but knowing the customs of dwarves thought nothing of it. It’s only when she asks him about it, after the incident with the gonne that she realises that he isn’t just living within the dwarvish monogender (which technically is neither male or female, dwarves are just dwarves), Carrot identifies with the human male. She shrugs it off. Igors became Igorinas and vice versa all the time back in the Old Country. And she liked Carrot, just as she had liked both Gavin and Ygritte, the poor foolish human that Wolfgang had taken great delight in hunting.

Deterius, also, works it out surprisingly quickly. He may not be academic but he’s a good sergeant and sergeants are good with people. It takes him a while to get the idea properly formulated in his head, but when he does he methodically files it away. After Cuddy died, he made a point of studying dwarvish customs and since Carrot is a dwarf, it makes perfect sense in his mind. He is a little more protective of Carrot than usually after that though, especially in situations when he could be in danger for who he is.

It took Cheery a very long time to realise why Carrot was so afraid of her decision to present as a woman. Eventually, she stormed into his office and demanded to know why he didn’t approve. Only when Carrot quietly responded with “If you do it, eventually someone might force me to as well, and that’s not me. I am a he, I am a dwarf who is definitively he, never she.” did she understand. They eventually came to a comfortable agreement, secretly meeting up every few weeks to chat about gender and dwarvishness. Eventually, Cheery coaxes him along to the feminine-dwarf support group and while at first the dwarves are uncomfortable with him being there, once Carrot explains they end up with two of their number admitting that while, if a human looked at it, they might be considered male, they identify as female regardless. Thus Carrot somehow ends up accidentally starting another offshoot group of dwarvish gender support for dwarves of either gender who might have strong feelings on their own gender which others, even those in support of women dwarves coming out, may disagree with.

Vetinari knew from the start, of course he did. He finds it mildly amusing, that Carrot, the One True King of Ankh-Morpork, would by some only be accepted as a Queen if his information became common knowledge. Originally he kept it as blackmail. Over the years, as it became clear Carrot not only had worked out his origins but was actively hiding them, did Vetinari one night creep into a hidden room in the palace and burn a series of genology, a chit of birth and the diary of a midwife, long since dead and longer still paid off.

The Igor in the Watch first finds out when Angua brings Carrot in bleeding, from a knife wound to the gut. She curses him out, making it clear that if anything happens to Carrot, or if one word is breathed of this to anyone outside this cellar, she would tear him beyond even an Igor’s saving. Igor simply nods. A few months later, both he and Carrot are on leave at the same time. It’s only after that does Carrot take his shirt off for the first time in the Watch showers to clean up, no scar from the stab wound visible. After all, Igors are good at what they do, and when they want to, they won’t leave a mark.

Mystic River Starters
  • Maybe some day you forget what it's like to be human & maybe then, it's ok.
  • We bury our sins here. We wash them clean.
  • I loved her/him so much. I'm never gonna feel that again. It doesn't happen twice.
  • I know you can speak. So say it, say you love me.
  • This do alone.
  • What the fuck am I gonna tell him?
  • Oh, I get it. You're the good cop.
  • He's been acting kind of nuts lately. I'm almost afraid of him.
  • Neighborhood needs a fucking crime wave.
  • I know in my soul I contributed to your death.
  • I'm tired of wishing things made sense.
  • The dead are still dead.
  • Because everyone is weak. Everyone but us. We will never be weak.
  • You could rule this town.
  • So that's when I see the knife.
  • Your wallet or your life, bitch. I'm leaving with one of 'em.
  • There was blood everywhere, and I might've killed him!
  • It makes you feel alone, you know, hurting somebody?
  • I guess I dont' know my own strength.
  • The moment I laid eyes on him, I could tell he'd done time.
  • They never lose it, you know.
  • The tension in his shoulders, that's prison.
  • The girl just wants to bed you. She don't wanna wed you.
  • Admit what you did.
  • He'll shoot you. And then he'll kill you.
Money spell Bottle

5 old pennies
5 dimes
5 quarters
5 kernels corn dried
5 kernels of dried wheat (5 tsp flour)
5 sesame seeds
5 cinnamon sticks
5 cloves
5 whole allspice
5 pecans

Place all items into a tall bottle then close it tightly, shake the bottle with your projective hand for five minutes while chanting these words:

Herbs of silver
Copper and grain
Work to increase
My money gain

Keep the bottle in your home, then when ever your home lace your wallet next to it to bring money in to your life.

—via spell crafts
Cunningham & Harrington

Hate To See Your Heart Break || C.H

this is based off Hate To See Your Heart Break by Paramore! They’re a band of three, consisting of a female lead singer who is also my queen! 

I suggest listening to Hate To See Your Heart Break while reading this but if you’re not into Paramore, listen to the With You, Without You EP by Little Sea! Its really good and I really recommend Red Light! 

There is not a single word in the whole world

That could describe the hurt

‘God dammit! Why can’t you stop being so fucking annoying! All I wanted to do was come home to dinner and then go to sleep! Why the hell are you moving all these god damn screeching chairs making all this stupid noise? Can’t you see I’m tired?’ 

‘C-Cal’ you stuttered, unable to comprehend a single sentence. 

‘Leave, my, house, now’ Calum said sternly

‘You-u didn’t mean that did you?’ you whimpered

‘I meant every single word I said bitch’ he spat

Reluctantly, you grabbed your car keys, phone and wallet and left your house. Never in your life did you think Calum would ever say those words to you, or to even kick you out of his house. Word after word hurt like a chunk of your heart being ripped out. Calum was never like this, he was usually sweet and if he had a bad day, he would just ignore you, not yell at you. Tears were flowing down your face, you could taste the saltiness on your lips and you made no effort to stop it. Nothing hurt more than this…

You drove for what seemed like hours until you realized you were low on gas. Deciding that going back to Calum’s wasn’t an option, you drove your car to Mikey’s house. By the time you stepped on his house, he knew something wasn’t okay. He didn’t question anything, he walked to his fridge and got me some ice cream and left me alone after hugging me with a blanket and a warm fireplace. 

I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close
But I’ve been there before

It had been a few hours since you left, and it had been a few hours since Calum tossed and turned for the umpteenth time in his bed. Your familiar scent lingered in his pillows, his shirts, even on his bed sheets. He regretted every word he said to you. Deciding that tonight wouldn’t be a night he could fall asleep in, he groggily walked to his bathroom. His hair was a mess, blonde streaks flopping down his face limply. Calum’s eyes had terribly dark rings underneath them, his eyes were lifeless. He looked like a complete mess, there wasn’t any sparkle or hope in his eyes, he looked ruined. 

He picked up his phone, shivering. Hesitantly, he pressed ‘love’ and dialed it. 

One ring, two rings, three rings, no pick up. 

He called again, in hopes that you would reply. 

One ring, two rings, three rings, still no pick up. 

‘Please leave a message behind!’ your voice boomed through the phone. 

For a second Calum thought you were behind him, he turned around to see a blank door. 

‘Hey…um Y/N, I’m so sorry. I had really rough day at the studio. The boys kept messing around, I couldn’t get any lyrics out, I broke Ashton’s performance drum kit and cracked his ride cymbal, I even broke two strings off my bass. Then when I was driving home I realized I left my phone at the studio and then I had to drive back to get it. I know this isn’t an excuse to let out my anger on you, but please love, call me back when you hear this, I love you so much and I’m sorry, please forgive me’ 

By the time Calum ended the voice mail, he was full on crying. He never cried, he always bottled up his feelings, stress and fears within himself. The last time he cried was god knows how long. 

He just had to hope you would forgive him…

so I guess that’s HTSYHB part one finished! I really loved writing this one so if you’d like a part two, click on this button   ◕ ‿ ◕。  and tell me what you think!  

 ◕ ‿ ◕。 - request/ ask me! 

(ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧ - masterlist

5 Ways To Be Romantic

Kay Marie

Let’s be straight: we all know how to be romantic….or we think we do. We all know how to act out the obvious clichés of romance. We can all buy flowers and chocolates for our significant others on Valentine’s day. We can take our date out to a candlelit dinner at a restaurant way above our pay rate and take them home for passionate, romance novel-esque sex. But that isn’t real romance; what everyone believes to be “romantic” are cliché constructs of a consumer-driven society. So, I am here to tell you 5 ways you can skip the flowers and chocolates and still be wholeheartedly romantic.

1.) Write them letters/notes.

While gifts and over-the-top presents are falsified ideas of romance, gifts with meaning and gifts that are handcrafted signify a deeper level of understanding and loving your partner. Try writing hand-written letters such as, “open when you are happy,” or “open when you are imagining our future.” These letters are thoughtful and symbolic of your love.

2.) Go on little adventures.

Take your partner out on a surprise adventure to a place you both like. It can be anything-coffee shops, laser tag, or a hobby shop. My girlfriend and I went to a comic store before dinner one night and we ended up buying Doctor Who figurines. Now this hobby of collecting all of the Doctors is something we both get excited about doing. The little things are sometimes the most meaningful.

3.) Don’t forget to kiss them

You would think this would be basic knowledge; why wouldn’t you kiss the person you love? The most important moments are the most opportune. Kiss them when you get out of bed in the morning to prepare for work and kiss them once more before you leave. Kiss them as you clean the house, as you cook dinner together, as you cuddle on the couch watching a movie. Kiss them when they get home from work and as you both get ready for bed. Kiss them when they’re angry, kiss them when they are feeling frustrated. Kiss them when you are irrevocably happy. Don’t skimp on the kisses. Do more than just the “honey, I’m leaving” and “honey, I’m home” kisses. Kiss more.

4.) Hit the snooze and cuddle

The shower can hold off on a few more minutes so you can spoon with your lover. The fact that you are choosing to stay in bed, rather than throwing yourself into your morning routine shows your partner that you are hesitant to leave them. That you want to be there in bed and spend more time, even if that time only equates to five minutes. Cuddling is one of the more romantic ways to be with your partner in bed without implying something sexual….but if it does lead to morning sex, go for it. Stay in bed. You can bypass the morning coffee and stop at a Starbucks on your way into work if it means taking the time to be with the person you love.

5.) Spontaneity is contagious

One of the simplest ways to be romantic is to be spontaneous. Here’s an idea: take your date out to dinner, but stop at the first restaurant (restaurant, not Coney Island or bar) you both have never been to and dine there. You can do this once a week or once a month. The spontaneous nature adds enjoyment and enthusiasm into your love life. If your wallet is a little empty, you can be spontaneous with other ways. Go to a movie store and randomly choose a movie, or go onto Netflix and do the same thing. Pick a recipe out of a cookbook to try and create, even if it contains weird items like seaweed and chrysanthemum. Take a dusty, untouched book off of your bookshelf and start reading it together. The idea of the unknown sparks entertainment that lasts a lifetime.

Some of the simple things in life are the things that impact you the most. Lasting relationships revolve around the nature of the love you two set for each other. Taking some of these ideas into consideration will inevitably allow you and your partner to be more romantic. 

the anti commencement speech for the class of 2015

You are not going to be the next great artist or writer. You are never going to be on Jimmy Fallon’s show. You will not become an overnight success, an instant millionaire or an Oscar winning actor. You will know more failures than successes. Life will eat you up and spit you out on the sidewalk.

You will marry someone you despise at times and have kids you regret at times. Your wallet will be empty and often you will feel your life is empty as well. You will drink a lot and smoke a lot and some day you will be wearing polyester pants and devouring meatloaf at the local all-you-can-eat-buffet, bought for $5 with your senior citizen discount card.

You will never sleep with a super model or marry a NBA star. You will have relationships with people that suck the will to live right from your heart. You will be yelled at by your bosses and stabbed in the back by your coworkers.

Every television show you love will be canceled, all your favorite bands will break up and your favorite sports team will choke. The local Starbucks will close down but coffee will have become a luxury, anyhow. You’ll drink a lot. You’ll stop shopping at Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s and find yourself eating a dollar hamburger from Wendy’s for lunch every day so you can save the extra money for therapy.

Your friends will leave you. They will fall in love and forget about you. They will move to different states and they’ll say they will keep in touch but they won’t. You will spend this summer getting wasted and making pacts with your friends to be together forever but this is it. There will be a feel good hit of this summer that will make you wince with melancholy every single time you hear it in your adult life. Enjoy the fuck out of this time. It’s the last time you’ll feel free.

But there will pie. There will always be pie. And you will eat it and you will feel better and for a few minutes life will not suck quite as hard as you thought it would. Your pie may not look like a pie. It may come in the form of a good book, a best friend, a vial of crack or a strap-on and a leather thong. Find your pie. Indulge in it. Get your rocks off when and how you can kids, because life is out there waiting for you and it’s going to grab you by the balls and squeeze until you scream.

But hey, have fun out there. And eat more pie.


I saw these slides in a Tumblr recommended post by psych-facts. I theorize they weren’t created by a parent. Let me explain.

1. The desire to sleep may also reveal that you have a baby because apparently women have the phrase, “Don’t ever let your parents sleep,” tattooed inside their body and after staring at that sentence for 9 months, babies heed the advice.

2. The one about emotional pain was clearly written by someone who has never stepped on their kid’s toys with a bare foot in the middle of the night. I’m guessing it also wasn’t written by a dad who’s been sucker punched in the crotch region by their kid and/or one of the kid’s toys.

3. That one about estrogen is for people without kids because no amount of estrogen can overcome the forgetfulness caused by having a young child, toddler, or baby.

4. The one about attention span definitely only applies to adults. As most parents will tell you (because they’ve learned this fact the hard way), kids have an attention span of about one minute and for teens it’s about 10 seconds.

5. If the one about emotional intelligence is true then we all might as well as admit that our kids are emotionally stupid. I’ve yet to meet a young child who reasons with their emotions or uses emotions to enhance thought. Kids pretty much have emotions for one reason - to jump start temper tantrums or propel a tantrum into warp speed.

6. If you’re a parent and you have a second to gaze into your soulmate’s eyes, your hearts aren’t synchronizing; your body is simply returning to a normal blood pressure because that’s what happens when you finally have a kid-free moment.

7. Yeah. Of course they return a wallet if it has a baby picture in it. It’s called having sympathy for you. No need to make your life even more stressful by keeping your wallet. Plus your wallet won’t have any cash in it, any way, because you’ve spent it all on your kids.

8. If the one about what we remember is true, then f*ck it I’m leaving my kids at home during my next vacation. If they’re only gonna remember my mistakes then I might as well stop trying to build good memories of fun family vacations.

To hell with filling my vacation days with fun activities for the kids. I’ll go on vacation and actually get some rest and sleep in past 6am. Yes. Even when on vacation, kids are still prone to waking up way too f*cking early. If only I had a quarter for every time I’ve yelled, “We’re on vacation. I’m not getting up at 6:03 in the morning. I’ll see you in two or three hours. Go back to bed,” I’d have enough money for an around-the-world cruise.