Inspired by this song (listening to it while reading is advised). The lyrics are in italics.
It’s still dark outside, the sheets are creased and still warm from last night, the spot besides me is empty. He said that he was going to stay, he promised that he was going to stay. He lied and I know it, he is going to leave me behind for that bloody war. I was stupid to believe every words he told me last night. All the worse thoughts about it cross my mind, reminding me how it ended up for my father after the last war, he came back broken and dying inside, I was just a little girl, but it still haunts me.
I’m unlisted, I'm resisting, all the lies the minds are twisted
Can’t believe in honesty, please don’t turn your back on me
I am breaking, molding, making. All these thoughts are over taking.
Everything I want to see, hoping you will stay with me.
I sit up on the bed, holding the top sheet to my breasts and look around the room. He’s looking in the street, his right hand leaning on the frame of the window, his short brown hair looks black in the dark, but his icy-blue gaze shines through the darkness of the early morning. Brooklyn is quiet at the moment, but it’s only a mater of hours.
Am I folding? No, I’m holding on to what the signs are showing
Everything that’s meant to be doesn’t come so easily.
He doesn’t answer nor turn to me. I see his jaw clenching, his broad shoulders falling, a sigh going out of his mouth and I realize that that moment seems as difficult for him as it’s for me. Since the day he enlisted he is distant, he goes away from me, he doesn’t talk, he doesn’t come. Yet, last night, he showed at my door in his army uniform and all he said was : “Sergent James Barnes, at your service ma'am.”, wearing that irresistible smile that I love so much on his gorgeous lips. Just those few words and I was done, his mouth was on mine and his hands around my waist. Quickly we finished in bed, skin against skin, sweet nothings and moans filling my little bedroom.
You got it, you got it all…
And now, everything is gone, he’s ready to leave, letting me behind when all I want is him to stay. It’s selfish I know, but I love him, more than I’ve ever loved someone, more than life itself. I can’t bear the thought of losing him, but he already lost me when he enlisted and I lost him at the same moment.
“James, look at me”, but he still stares the street.
I get up, wrapping the sheet around my naked body and flush my body to his, my chest glued to his back, nuzzling my nose on his toned back, my arms encircling his middle section. Tears start to fall from my eyes, roll on my cheeks and finish their race on his bare skin.
“James please, talk to me. Please don’t go. I don’t want you to die over there. I have a bad feeling about that war. Please… Stay.”
If I was gonna lose you, so what I’m gonna lose you
Either way. Either way.
“I have to, doll”, he finally says, with his deep voice. “I have to, it’s my duty.”
He unhooks my arms from him before taking his uniform to put it back. Once dress, he walks towards me, hooks his fingers under my chin and lifts it to his face, my eyes meet his grey-blue orbs, his nose bumps against mine, and his plump lips brush my own. He leans a little more and our mouths meet with the same passion as last night. My hands find their place to the nape of his neck and I let him deepen the kiss. After a few minutes, we pull back to breath.
“I love you”, he whispers against my lips.
“I love you too. Please, James, stay.”
This time, he pulls back completely, picks up his army bag on the floor and puts his hat on his head.
“Will you wait for me until I come back ?”
“I’m going to lose you to this war.”
“You are never going to lose me.”
“I partly did, the day you enlisted, you know it, that’s why you didn’t came here until last night.”
“Promise me that you will wait for me. I don’t want to lose you.”
“If you cross that door, you are going to lose me and I’m going to lose you. If you cross that door, never come back to me.”
Without another word, he puts his hand on the doorknob and open it. He looks at me one last time, his mesmerizing eyes, as mine, full of tears.
But my heart didn’t choose to, so what I’m gonna lose you
Either way. Either way, stay…
At the second the door shuts close, I collapse on the wooden floor, crying all the tears of my body, hitting the ground with my fists, cursing myself for telling him to never come back to me. I have to take those words back, I have to run to the window and tell him that I’m sorry, tell him that he better come back to me.
Oh… why am I weakening?
But I don’t, I took that decision to suffer less. I am not going to be weak because of those piercing blue eyes or that charming smile, nor his sweet words. But God know how much I want it, but I also don’t want to see an army officer at my door one day, telling me that Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes died while doing his duty for his country.
I manage to drag myself to my bed and lie on it still sobbing, big tears running down my cheeks. I grab the photograph of us on the nightstand, and caress his face through the glass, before holding tight the frame against my heart. Only one word escapes my lips once again.