your mother's so old

The signs as quotes from white chicks

aries : “MOVE BITCH”

taurus : “Triple T, KA. Time to totally kick ass.”

gemini: “Ohhhh you wanna talk about mothers, its mother time”

cancer : [cries] “ I can’t even wear a short skirt and a top without looking like a fat pig”

leo: “It’s not “just” a hand bag. It’s prada”

virgo: “Someone get this jiggaboo away from me”

libra: “ Making my way downtown walking fast, faces pass and I’m home bound”

scorpio: “Your mothers ass is so hairy, it looks like Don King’s about to pop out and say “Only in America!”.

sagittarius: “What’s up money? You gotta problem ? What you looking at my ass for? No yo hold my poodle , HOLD MY POODLE”

capricorn: “ Your mothers so old that her breast milk is powdered, you breastfeed like this 😚💨 ”

aquarius: “ For the lady perhaps a salad? perhaps not

pisces: “She’s having a bitch fit!”

I like the idea that occasionally Luke asks R2 a dumb question and R2 responds with something vaguely snotty like “I saw you when you were born” or “I told your mother that” or “So was your old man” and Luke just grins and thinks it’s some weird droid slang. 

  • Travis: I'm sorry, but uhm... we just saw your new video. Yea, they had a screening over at Saks Fifth Avenue in the security office
  • Connor: A klept-ho-maniac!
  • Michael: Your mother shops at Saks.
  • Connor: Oh my God. You want to talk about mothers? You wanna talk about mothers! It's mother time, okay! Your mother's so dumb she went to Dr Dre for a Pap smear! "Something's wrong, Dr Dre! My coochie's doing a beatbox!"
  • Michael: Well yea? Your mother's so stupid she exercises when she could just get like, liposuction or something!
  • Travis: Your mother's so old that her breast milk is powdered. You breast-feed like this:
  • [blows powder from hand]
  • Michael: Your mother is so, like... She's so... Octavian you go
  • Octavian: Your mother is so stupid that she goes to Barney's Rooftop Deck Restaurant for lunch and orders a niçoise salad and calls it a 'ni-coise' salad. 'Ni-coise' salad, right?
  • Connor: Your mother's ass is so hairy, it looks like Don King's about to pop out and say, "Only in America!"
Royals pt2

Reader x Jimin

Genre: Fluff, maybe some angst?

Anonymous said: “Could you write a Jimin x reader story where Jimin is royalty?”

Short synopsis: All you want is to protect him, all he wants is freedom. After disguising yourself as a boy to join the royal guard, the prince might be more of a handful than you could have ever imagined.

Disclaimer: This takes place in a land far, far away. You know, like Shrek, but I promise Jimin isn’t going to turn into an ogre. Nothing that happens is remotely historically accurate, because it does not take place in the past.

Part 1


The second time you saw the prince, you were ten years old. You had accompanied your mother to the castle so she could beg the court physician to see your father, who had fallen from a horse and injured his back. You had slipped away from her, not liking the smell of strange herbs and medicines that surrounded the physicians rooms.

Several other children were playing tag outside, and it wasn’t log before you were running at full-speed through the marketplace. You were faster than the other kids, but as you looked over you shoulder to see where they were, you missed the rock that was directly in your path.

You fell face-first into the mud of the beaten path where horses and carts passed though, and scrambled to your feet just in time to see a horse headed directly towards you.

It felt as though your feet were glued to the ground, you couldn’t move, or hardly even breathe. “This is it,” You thought distantly. “This is how I’m going to die.”

But a hand grabbed your arm and pulled you to the side, un-gluing your feet so you could get out of the way. The wheels of the cart that the horse was pulling splashed more mud onto both you and the boy who had dragged you to safety, but was such a small price to pay.

“Are you alright?” He asked, and you looked up to see the prince.

You didn’t trust yourself to talk, too scared and too embarrassed, so you just nodded as you heard shouts of “Your highness!” as guards swarmed. There was mud on his perfect boots, you noticed as they ushered him away. A strict looking woman scolded him as they left, but he didn’t seem to mind, just turned and gave you an apologetic wave.


Present:

You didn’t see much other choice other than to follow Jimin to the castle, so that’s what you did. He walked fast, as though he had things to do, and a time frame to get them done. The doormen had to scramble to get the heavy double-doors out of his way in time, but he hardly seemed to notice.

“All due respect, Your Highness.” You started, jogging to keep up with him. His legs were slightly longer than yours, and he showed no sign of slowing down. “But perhaps Captain Namjoon has a point–you don’t know anything about me, I could be–”

You were cut off as the prince spun on his heal, walking backwards so he could face you. “Dangerous?” He guessed. “Here’s the thing. Namjoon forgets that I’m not a baby. I can take care of myself–and I have, many times. Do you know how many assassins have gotten past the guard? Of course you don’t.” This didn’t seem to be a jab at you, so much as he remembered that you were new, and wouldn’t have access to that kind of information. “Anyway, every single one of them was more skilled than you, and I handled everything just fine. No offence.”

You weren’t sure if you were offended or not, but you were concerned that the prince was so trusting. “None taken, but–”

“Why do you keep arguing?” He stopped moving so abruptly that you nearly ran into him. As it was, you were far closer to him than you had intended.

“My apologies, your highness.” You looked down at your shoes.

“Is your goal to make me distrust you?” He asked.

“No, your highness.”

“Call me ‘your highness’ again and I’ll puke.”

“What?” You glanced up to see him watching you with an eyebrow raised.

“Do you know how tiresome it is to be called that all day? Every. Single. Day.” He shook his head as he turned back around and kept walking. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think people had forgotten my name, no one ever uses it.”

“What would you have people call you then, your high–” You caught yourself just as he looked over his shoulder in warning. “Sir.” You finished lamely.

“Jimin.” He said simply. “You should call me Jimin.” He turned down a hall suddenly, and then took a sharp right down a flight of stairs.

“Where are we going, your high–Jimin?” You corrected yourself quickly, but it felt wrong. The prince wasn’t someone to be referred to so informally.

“Somewhere.” He replied, reaching the bottom of the steps. It seemed that was as much of an answer as you were going to get for the moment. “So tell me,” He said as you trailed after him down another corridor. You had no idea how you were ever going to find your way out again. “What made you want to join the royal guard?”

You caught a door before it shut on your face, and you could hear voices from not far off. “Like I said earlier, I want to protect you.” You said, confused that he was asking the same thing again.

“No, I mean really.” One more door, and you found yourself in the kitchen, with servers and maids hurrying to get out of Jimins way, and bumping into you in the process. Jimin tossed you a roll before taking one for himself. “What’s your real reason? It’s okay, you can tell me.” He was out the other end of the kitchen quickly, and you ran to keep up. Several people stood in your way, and you were worried you’d lose him for a second.

“That is my reason.” You said, when you found him waiting for you on the other side of the door. He tilted his head to one side.

“That isn’t anyone’s reason. Now be honest. Is it money? Or power? Or something else? It isn’t a good idea to lie to me.” He took a step forward, and you took a step back. But there wasn’t much room in the corridor; it was made for the workers of the castle, not the royalty that lived there, and you bumped your head against the wall.

“I’m not lying to you.” You said. “Your safety is very important to me.”

Jimin blinked at you slowly, and somehow you knew it was a warning. He didn’t look mad, or even mildly annoyed, but you had heard things about royalty. They were taught how to mask emotions from birth.

“You saved my sisters life.” You blurted. It was a lie, but close enough to the truth. “She was reckless and nearly got herself run over by a horse and cart eleven years ago. You risked yourself to save her. I want to repay you, somehow.”

Jimin looked slightly taken aback by this. “You were there?” He asked. Did that mean he  remembered? The thought made your heart race.

“No. But she told me of your bravery. This kingdom is going to need someone like you to lead it. Someone not only brave, but kind. That is why I want to join the royal guard. Because you need to be surrounded by people who believe in you, and would die for you.”

Jimin watched you for another moment before laughing. “Well, that was dramatic. Jeeze. I would have taken ‘my family needs the money’ as an answer.” He patted your shoulder. “Don’t look so serious, I was only messing with you anyway.”

He shook his head as he stared off down the hallway once more, taking a bite out of the roll he had taken from the kitchen. You took a deep breath before following him, looking at the roll he had tossed to you. You had a feeling something had changed since the day he saved your life–a lot could in eleven years–but you weren’t sure quite what.


A/N I know this is short, but I just wanted to say that I haven’t forgotten or abandoned this! Thank you for reading, and hopefully I can update again soon. <3 <3 <3

golden goddess | Park Jimin

Angst

Word Count: 5,188

Pairing: jimin x reader

Warning !: violence, mentions of death

Fairy King Park Jimin has an obsession with you and nothing will stop him from claiming you as his own.


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#growingupfat

I saw several other people do this and it just makes me so sad so I did one too. Whatever.

-wearing your mothers old clothes at age 9 because regular children’s clothes don’t fit
- mentioning your hungry once in awhile and the reply every time is “youre always hungry”
- “ you don’t need that”
- dressing in baggy clothes to hide the rolls
- dressing boyish because you didnt ever feel pretty enough to wear cute clothes
- having friends that constantly complain that they’re fat when they aren’t
- skipping breakfast and lunch
- being afraid to eat to eat in front of people
- finding a fashionable plus sized store but everything is too expensive
-trying on swimsuits and crying in the dressing room because everything looks so horrible
-being self aware when eating in front of other people
-starving yourself at 13
- being told your not fat even though you very much are because fat=ugly and they’re trying to convince you that you’re beautiful
- getting to the point where you hate you self so much you start making yourself throw up

Mercy Bonus Pt 1 Kol M; D. Salvatore; Reader

Song: Like I Would (Troyboi Remix) - Zayn


“Are you ready?” Damon asked behind me as I clasped the last diamond and ruby earring in my ear.

“Yeah,” I breathe. “How do I look?” I turn around, the ruby red dress flaring out around me. It was a simple dress, no glitter or jewels adorning it, but red silk. It was beautiful itself, it didn’t need anything extra for it to shine, that’s what I loved about the dress. It had a trail, but not too long, it made me feel powerful, and confident.

“You look gorgeous, come on.” Damon held out his hand, I smiled and took it. I grabbed my sliver clutch on the way out of my room, praying that this was going to be a good night.


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Surrogate Dad

Leroy Jethro Gibbs, he was more than just a NCIS agent to you. He was your guardian and your protector, he had been the only one there for you since your dad died 20 years earlier. Your dad and Gibbs had been best friends, so when he died Gibbs did what he had to do and took you in.

You were just 10 years old when your dad died. Your​ mother had died when you were about 1 ½ years old. So it had been just you and your dad. It nearly killed you when he died but Gibbs was there to rescue you. You were there during every failed relationship of his. But in the end all that matters was that you had each other. You knew that you would never replace Kelly and he knew that he would never replace your dad. He respected and encouraged every decision you made in life.

But you didn’t know how he would take the news you had. He wasn’t too thrilled with the fact that you started dating a marine in the first place but what will he say when he finds out you are having one’s baby.

John had just went back to his ship, he had been on a short leave when you got pregnant. You found out yesterday. You got in contact with John and told him. Now you have to tell Gibbs.

“Gibbs?” You said as you slowly and reluctantly walked down the stairs.

He looked up and smiled, his smile faltered​ when he saw the nervous and scared look on your face.

“What’s wrong, Y/N?” He asked setting his tool down.

“Can we talk?” You asked.

“Yeah, What's​ up?” He said pointing to the stool in front of him. You sat down and took a deep breath.

“What's​ going on, Y/N? Talk to me” He pushed.

“I don’t know how to say this. I just hope you aren’t too mad.”

“You’re scaring me, what is going on?”

“I’m pregnant”

He looked down and then stood up, causing you to stand up. He pulled you into a hug.

“You didn’t need to be scared to talk to me. I love you. You are my daughter. I’ll always love you.”

Anna - Polly Gray

Request: Hi could you please write about Anna (Poll’s daughter) being actually alive and she needs her family to believe she is dead so she is finally able to come back to Birmingham and she meets all the family and stuff? Thank you :))

Anna - Polly Gray

The fire was not accidental. The police, who were unable to find your body in the remains of your parent’s house declared you dead anyway. They sent word to your parents, who were spending the weekend in London, telling them of the supposedly deadly house fire that had broken out overnight. They cancelled the rest of their plans and took the train back to Manchester but by then it was too late. You, still very much alive, were halfway to Birmingham.

It had been three days before the fire that you’d found a letter in your mother’s desk. It was addressed to you with the return belonging to a man in Birmingham by the name of Shelby. He had written on behalf of his aunt, who he believed was your mother. Though your family had never spoken of your origin you remembered distinct parts of it. Reading through the letter from Birmingham brought back long suppressed memories.  

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FaiRY TALES YES YES YES

- my sister, the eldest princess, was just kidnapped by a dragon and like hell I’m waiting for her “one true love” to get their act together and save her

- you’re a fairy and are very, very bad at magic and I think you just cursed me?

- my step mother isn’t actually evil and I would very much like it if you would stop implying that she is

- I’m just a humble woodcutter and whenever someone tries to give me a magical gift or send me on a quest I just run away because all I want to do is cut wood and be happy with you

- You know that phrase, “each one more beautiful than the last”? well I’m the oldest sibling and definitely not the best looking and wow you think I’m gorgeous?

- I went to the ball and was swept away by a beautiful stranger and if it was a proper fairy tale then you’d be the prince/ss but you’re not, you’re just a regular person but I think you’re amazing and this is so much better because I can actually love you

- the ruler said they’d give their son/daughter’s hand in marriage to whoever could kill the dragon but it’s our dragon and it’s just a baby and misbehaves sometimes it’s not hurting anyone

- your mother is very old and very ugly so everyone thinks she must be a witch/fairy in disguise and treat her exceptionally well. She isn’t, of course, but you’re not going to say anything when you get all this free stuff out of it

- the king is trying to give me one of his children’s hand in marriage how do I turn this down politely

- we’re highwaymen and constantly on the run from the law but you’re with me so I can’t find a single thing to complain about

- you’re about twelfth in line for the throne so you aren’t at all advantageous to marry so I guess we’ll be just fine (bonus: somehow you take the throne and oh god I wasn’t prepared for this)

- I was cursed as a baby that I would fall asleep at a certain age and can only be woken by my true love’s kiss and nope it definitely cannot be you shut up you did not just kiss me and wake me up (alternate: it turns out I’m ace/aro well this is awkward guess I’m never waking up) (bonus: you’re ace/aro too and we turn out to be amazing friends)

- we were friends growing up and used to go out to the pond and kiss frogs in the hopes they would turn out to be cursed royalty and nothing ever happened but then I kissed you and you’re still just you but I like that a lot 

anonymous asked:

I know you have too many aus but what bout a time travel au where the kids to the time of the destruction of the Omnic war?

The kids are hanging around the lab while Winston’s working on a new model of the chronal accelerator. Unfortunately when Tracer tries the new model on, it accidentally sends her and the kids hurtling into the past. 

Tracer: Okay, Winston designed my comm to withstand time fluctuations so we still have a channel of contact with him back in the present. He says we all just need to sit tight while he and Symmetra figure out a means to bring us back. So as long as we stick together, we should all be okay. Any questions?
Rei: *raises hand*
Tracer: Yes, Rei?
Rei: Do I need to make sure my parents fall in love so I still exist in the future like in that old movie?
Marti: Gross!
Tracer: …okay so your mother is 5 right now, so I’m going to say ‘no.’
Rei: *gasp* So can I save my grandparents?
Tracer: That’s over in Switzerland and we really aren’t supposed to mess with the timestream, love. 
Rei: :(
Tracer: *sigh* Look we really don’t have the time. According to this they’re going to die in…*checks date* …three months ago.
Rei: …aw… *gasp* Can I tell Mom everything’s going to be okay?
Marti: you probably shouldn’t be addressing a five-year-old as ‘Mom…’ 
Tracer: Excellent point, Marti. Again, timestream and Switzerland. All right, any other questions?
Rajeev: *raises hand*
Tracer: …Any questions that don’t have anything to do with making your parents get together so you exist in the future?
Rajeev: *lowers hand*
Samir: Were our moms even born yet?
Rajeev: *shrug*

armyfighting  asked:

what's the difference between korean age and international age?

International age is the age measured from the day you were born, and the age most countries will consider you to be. You turn 1 on your 1st birthday, and you turn another year older on your birthday.

Korean age does a couple things differently:

  • Add 1 year for the time your mother was pregnant with you, so you are 1 year old when you are born
  • Instead of being another year older on your birthday, you add a year on New Years, so that is your age for the whole year regardless of if your birthday is at the end of the year or not.

Easy way to calculate:

[Current year] - [Year you were born] + 1 = Korean Age

-Admin A.M ^.^

Courage and Kindness: Part 8

PARING: au reader x Bucky Barnes 

WORD COUNT: 2.1k 

WARNINGS: slight verbal abuse 

Part 8 is here! Sorry it’s a bit late, but life has gotten in the way slightly, so not sure how regular I’ll be posting but don’t worry I will be getting at least one if now two chapters out a week !! 

Tag list (if you’d like to be tagged let me know!) 

@capsbuchanan​ @squishybucky @crazychick010 ​ @not-your-cup-of-joe @marvelavengings@bethcookie99 @aquariusmalfoy @agentgwencarter @sexyvixen7@5sosdemigodelf@miss-unionjackcarter@redstarstan @fangirlwithasweettooth@vulpixfreak@iamawesomejazzy96@behold-castiel@alejandra1358@youreverydayzebra@bluespirit58@ectoplasmichael@bipolxr-wreck

Part 7

GIF NOT MINE

Originally posted by place-of-torment

If her stepmother would not have a fourth dress made, it seemed to (Y/N) that there was no reason why she would not try to run it up herself.

You looked through the mirror at yourself. One of the few possessions you had of your mothers was her dress. The light pink gown was a little big on you, but nothing a little sowing couldn’t fix. You had worked on it almost all day, and now you could finally see Bucky again. Hurrying down the stair’s you could hear your stepfamily below.

“My dear girls. To see you like this it makes me believe one of you might just snare the prince. And to think, I have two horses in the race. I doubt any other maiden will out shine my daughters” Daisy beamed at her mothers words only to see you descend down the stairs. Your stepsister’s dresses were lavish and extravagant. They almost reminded you of a Christmas decoration. Victoria’s dress was extraordinary as were most of her gowns.

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