Word count: 2700+ I’m apologizing for the lack of keep reading link, but I’m posting from mobile today.
Warnings: smut, horrible puns, everything below:
This is definitely a crack fic. The idea came from a very giggly conversation between @helvonasche and myself. The rest is now history. I apologize in advance for the craziness in which I am about to bestow upon you. Ok, so look -things are gonna happen. Things I’m not gonna be proud of. Things that will make both of us cringe as we read it. This is full of corny, punny crap. I digress, it’s basically a big ball of trash with lots lude, and rude, comments about penis and vagina. If this doesn’t sound like your cup of tea then take a hike. (I’ll still love you).
On another note I found this excerpt online and found it interesting: ‘The identity of Winchester as Camelot was, and is, further proofed by the fact that the vast Round Table of King Arthur himself hung on the wall of the Great Hall of Winchester Castle. It can still be seen there today.’
Series summary: It’s 13th century Europe. You’re a badass, dragon slaying, hunter, who’s well on your way to becoming a knight in no time. However, there’s a catch. Being a knight under King Samuel’s rule in Winchester is a little different than in most kingdoms and things are, well…. complicated to say the least.
Now, let’s have a little history lesson on this version of Winchester: Sam was just crowned king -Why is the younger of the brothers king, you ask? Because in Winchester age doesn’t matter, size does. Sam’s also really into tough chicks, and plans to take the first female worthy of the knighthood as his wife. Looky there - that’s you; one tough cookie whose goal since childhood has been to become a knight. Prince Dean was sent on a quest with you; kill the dragon plaguing small communities surrounding Winchester, and report back to his brother if you are worthy to be his bride.
You duck just in the nick of time as a fireball whooshes by your head. “Goddamn it.” you mumble under your breath, continuing to hold your ground, but hunkering behind a boulder. “If this son of a bitch scorches my hair I’m turning him into a pair of boots!”
Dean’s behind you, now actually rolling on the ground laughing.
You roll your eyes, “Take cover you boob. I’ll never get knighted if I have to explain to the king why his brother was turned into a shish kabob.”
“Wouldn’t that make me a prince kabob?” You stare silently as he laughs at his own joke. “No? Fine.”
Another ball of fire whizzes by. Dean stands from behind the rock, raises his sword in the air and runs towards the angry beast. You contemplate for a split second that maybe you should just let the beast have him, Sam would be more than grateful when you avenge his brother’s death. But…you can’t do it, the boob’s kinda grown on you. You take a deep breath, white knuckling your sword as you charge forward.
The dragon lay dead at your feet, several trees still burning behind you. Dean is off to one side, knocked out cold, his sword a few hundred feet away. Cursing to yourself you sheath your bloody weapon, throw him over one shoulder, your pack over the other, and begin the three day journey home.
You’ve carried Dean as far as you can, the river is just ahead and you’re not about to trudge through water carrying his heavy ass so you drop him to the ground under a large oak tree. You’re not sure if it’s the clang of the chain maille or the jolt it self that wakes him, regardless, he starts to stir.
You kick his foot, and he grumbles. “Get undressed big boy.”
“Don’t you wanna make out first?”
You glare at him, can’t believe his audacity. “We need to wash the blood off before it gets dark, gonna draw predators and I’d actually like to rest rather than worry ‘bout bears and wolves all night.”
“Fine, we’ll make out after.” he smiles and wiggles his eyebrows at you.
You undress slowly, deliberately, curious to see how much of what comes out of his mouth is just him blowing smoke up your ass, and how much of it is really his way of flirting. He’s working on taking his shoes off, but out of the corner of your eye you can see him watching you intently.
Carrying your bloody clothes you go several yards downstream then wade out about waist deep, and begin washing them out. Once you’re satisfied with their cleanliness you toss them up onto a nearby rock and begin washing yourself.
Dean is just making his way into the water, you try not to stare but his erection definitely has your attention. He’s noticed you looking, opens his mouth to make what you’re sure is another lude remark, slips on a rock and disappears beneath the surface.
You rush over to where he went under, finding nothing but his clothes floating around on the surface. You thrash around searching, certain at this point that he’s hit his head on a rock and is probably drowning a few feet away, then you feel something brush against your leg. You jerk as it wraps around not just one but both of them. Dean’s arms are around you, hands splayed across your ass, keeping you from moving, his head between your legs, tongue sliding through your folds. Your eyes go wide, maybe this ain’t so bad, you could definitely use the release, and hell he is one sexy, although slightly annoying, prince.
He circles your clit twice with his thick tongue before his head pops up, sucking in deep breaths. You smile down at him, run your fingers through his hair then push his head under again. He finds your clit much faster this time, makes quick circles over and around the sensitive bundle of nerves. One hand squeezes your ass, the other joins his mouth between your legs, a long thick finger sliding easily into your slick hole.
Dean breaks the water’s surface again, his thumb taking over on your clit. He stands, presses his lips to yours as he adds a second finger causing you to gasp into his mouth. His hand moves down your thigh to behind your knee, hitching your leg up around his waist. He lines his hard cock up with your entrance, sliding in easily with a thrust of his hips. Wrapping your arms around his neck you raise your other leg, lacing them both around his waist as he presses further into you.
He carries you towards the rock your clothes are on, laying you back against it as he sets his pace. His cock is long and thick, hitting all the right spots with each push and pull. There’s familiar tightening low in your belly, and your groaning obscenely. Your noises are being met with Dean’s own grunts and growls, and when he presses his thumb against your clit you see nothing but a white light as you thrash beneath him. Your walls are still clenching when Dean pulls out, shooting his load over your breasts.
He smiles, presses a chaste kiss to your lips, and lowers himself into the water swimming circles around you.
You lower your upper body into the water, rinsing away Dean’s release. You go to grab your clothes off the rock behind you, noticing several sizeable white blobs splattered across your shirt.
“Dean!” You yell. “I just fucking washed these! Don’t you have any better control of that thing?”
“It’d been a while, I was a little backed up. Better your clothes than mine anyways.”
“You fucking dick.” You mumble, but loud enough the dick can actually hear you. “Hey, where are your clothes anyway?” You ask, steadily washing your shirt for a second time.
“Shit!” He looks downriver, can barely see his things floating towards some rapids.
He climbs out onto the bank, sprinting along the river’s edge, trying to catch up with the garments.
You climb out as well, start to hang your things on a tree branch to dry.
You hear a splash as Dean goes in and you’re getting a good laugh at him struggling to wrangle each item in the swift current. He disappears under the water, you watch for a moment before realizing he’s not playing this time.
It’s not easy but you manage to reach him, pull him out of the rapids, but you’re unable to save his clothes. You’re both laying butt ass naked on the river bank, chests heaving.
“For a prince you sure have the damsel in distress thing down.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” He coughs out.
“I’ve saved you twice…in one day!”
“Touché.” He rolls over facing you. “Looks like I owe you another O.”
“That’s how the damsel in distress thing works right? The knight saves her and to show her appreciation she puts out. So… I owe you another orgasm.”
You stand up, dusting yourself off. “Sure man, whatever helps you sleep at night.”
You head back to the tree, get a change of clothes from your satchel, and start to build a fire.
Dean finally comes back carrying an arm of firewood, flaccid junk flopping as he walks.
“Think maybe you can put some clothes on? Don’t wanna roast your weiner by the fire.” You giggle.
He rolls his eyes. “I don’t have any clothes. That was my only set.”
“You came on a dragon hunt with only one pair of clothes?”
“I have more, they’re just in Baby’s saddlebags.”
“The horse that spooked, threw you, and ran away with the first fireball?”
“That’s the one. Hope you’re enjoying the view ‘cause looks like I’ll be free ballin’ ‘til we find her, or get home.”
You get a fur blanket from your bag, stretch out by the fire and bed down for the night. Dean’s sitting in the dirt, steadily poking the fire with a long stick, humming to himself. You sit up to tell him to stuff it so you can get some rest, but you notice him shivering.
Against your better judgement, you throw the blanket back. “Get in, but keep that thing away from me.”
“Hunter’s honor.” He promises as he crawls in behind you, facing the opposite direction.
Daylight comes quickly. Your eyes flutter open and for some reason you’re surprisingly warm and sated. Then you realize Dean is wrapped around you, arms around your torso, legs tangled together, warm breath brushing across your neck with each quiet snore. You shift a little and he stirs, pulling you closer, pressing his hard member against your ass. You jump up, startling him awake.
“Whoa there big boy, you promised.”
Dean stands, throws his hands up in defense. “Relax sweetheart, I just have to pee.” He trots to the backside of the tree to relieve himself, grinning at the stroke to his ego because you called him ‘big boy’ again.
“See better already.” He says, basically presenting it to you as he steps out from behind the oak.
You pull your now dry clothes from the limb above your head, tossing them to Dean. “They won’t fit well, but it’s better than nothing.”
“Or is it? Ready to cash in that i.o.u. yet?”
“Get dressed, we’ve got ground to cover.”
Together you decide to follow this side of the river, maybe find Dean’s clothes, crossover sometime tomorrow.
The first couple hours is fairly quiet, until Dean just can’t stand it any longer.
“What do you see in my brother anyway?”
You pause, thinking for a moment. “I don’t know.”
“You’re doing all of this for him and you don’t know?”
“Well, we’ve never actually met, so….” You stop to pick a few berries, popping a couple into your mouth as you talk.
“So, lemme get this straight. I’m out here, judging your worthiness to be his knight/wife and you don’t even know if you like him?”
“I mean, I’ve seen him. He’s handsome…and tall…and well, he’s obviously bigger than you in certain departments or he wouldn’t be king.” You look down to his crotch where he’s fighting to adjust himself in your too tight pants.
“Look lady, what I’m packin’ is au naturale. My brother’s length - as impressive as it is, came from the demon who cursed him and killed our mother. Some sort of bullshit destiny crap. And I don’t recall hearing you complain about size yesterday.”
“Why do you have to go there? I needed a tension release, end of story. Didn’t know you were gonna go fallin’ in love with me and shit.”
“Hardly, sweetheart. If I fell in love with every woman I threw a little sausage to….”
You stop him short.
“Shhhhh, get down.” you grab him by the shoulder, pulling him to the ground with you behind the blackberry bush. The growling comes closer, through the branches you can see the snarling creature, walking upright on two legs, sniffing the air. “Werewolf,” you whisper.
The beast catches sight of you, lunges for Dean. Dean’s fast, slices his head off with one swing, but it’s body keeps coming, clawing, tearing at his flesh. Dean is on the ground under the monster, continuing to slice and dice. You move around behind, run your sword through it’s back, catching the heart on the way out the other side. You withdrawal your weapon and what’s left of the body falls flat on top of Dean. Helping him to move the carcass, and to his feet, you notice a large gash to his upper arm.
“You got a death wish or somethin’?’ You ask, rolling your eyes
“Hey, I had that. Not my fault it didn’t die with decapitation.” Dean says, dusting himself off.
“I said it was a werewolf. Silver dude, has to be silver.”
“I know that, my silver knife is just in…”
“Your saddlebag?” He nods. “Figures.”
“Who the hell carries around a silver sword anyways? Isn’t that thing heavy?”
“Only the tip has been dipped in silver.” You point the blade at Dean’s face.
“Silver kills a lot of things and I don’t have the time or the means to carry more than one weapon. You might want to consider it for next time.” You grab Dean by the arm, inspecting the injury. “Let’s patch this up before prince sausage slinger bleeds out.”
“This is going to hurt.” You warn, spinning the hot metal over the fire.
“Just don’t cut me.” he says, biting down on a stick as he readies himself.
You press the hot metal of the sword against his arm, cauterizing the wound. He screams out, sucks in deep breaths through his teeth, as he hunches over in pain. Tossing the still hot item to the ground you start to soothe him by rubbing his leg while blowing cooling breaths over the area.
Dean looks at you, a change in his eyes, something soft about them now. He reaches out, cups your face with his hand, pulls you into him. Your first instinct is to push him away, but his lips are so soft and full, warm and inviting, and the thing he does with his tongue…
❁ boyfriend sehun
- grabs your butt
- BUBBLE TEA DATES
- loves to show you off
- acting as if vivi is your child
- taking candids of each other
- gets shy when you compliment him
- likes to rest his chin on your shoulder
prompt; 2. “Please…Don’t
leave me here. Don’t leave me alone without you.”
“Please…don’t leave me here. Don’t
leave me alone without you,” Jack mumbled from next to you on the couch and
you groaned and sniffed before you looked over at him.
can’t help this Jack, you suck at this game,” you replied, your voice slightly
shot as you paused the shooting game the two of you were playing to take a sip
of your tea and he pecked your forehead quickly.
feeling alright? You need more tea love?” he asked, his voice soft in your ear.
You shook your head and leaned back in his arms as you grabbed your controller.
find you and prove I’m worthy of this game,” he whispered as he quickly pressed
his lips to your temple and you snuggled closer and smelt his cologne, feeling happy
even with the illness.
“Please…don’t leave me here. Don’t leave me
alone without you,” he heard you whisper on the end of the line of the
voicemail you’d left him last night after he’d disappeared from the club with
some blonde he’d seen dancing on the floor and going after her. He’d left you
completely by yourself to go off with her back to hers and now, heading back to
his apartment, he felt like utter shit.
tried to dial your phone and see where you were, make sure you were okay but
when the phone connected, he was met with the voice of an angry Casper, calling
Josh multiple names before he told him off and hung back up, telling him he’d
see him at his apartment, making Josh gulp in fear.
You couldn’t find Josh anymore
and began to give up hope as her call again was sent to voicemail. “Josh, where
did you go? I went to the bathroom and when I came back, you were nowhere to be
found and I’m scared now to walk home by myself,” you sighed, stumbling
slightly as you made your way outside of the bar and to the street side. “Please
tell me you didn’t leave me by myself, please…don’t leave me here. Don’t leave
me alone without you,” you sniffled before hanging up and dialing the only
person you knew would still be awake.
“Hello? Y/N, I thought you were
out with Josh,” Casper’s voice rang out on the phone, he sounded tired.
“Casper, I think he’s left with
some girl, I can’t find him anywhere and I hate-,” you sniffled lightly and
wiped your tears, “I hate to ask but could you come get me? I’m scared,” you
whispered as a few friends walked past you and wolf whistled.
“Don’t move, I’ll be right
there,” Casper hung up and a few minutes past as he showed up, parking on the
side of the road and hoping out to wrap you in a hoodie and shuffling you to
his car and eventually carrying you upstairs as you were asleep. When he laid
you down on his bed, you mumbled something, making him lean down. “Sorry?”
“I was going to tell him how I felt,”
you whispered before turning over and falling asleep, heartbroken and sad.
josh’s got real long but #sorrynotsorry, request here xx
This is a callout post You’re from the south side which is: A) Gross. B) Not the North side C) Too far away from me. D) Incredibly stabby. Like how are you not dead? E) You call us snobby but you have an abundance of drive through coffee places which is really not fair F) Really not /THAT/ far away from me G) Come to the North Side and have tea with me. Okay this isn't exactly a callout post I just wanted to invite you over and I thought insulting you was the best way to do so. <3
Counter callout post. You’re from the North side which is: A) Snobby as hell B) Not the south side C) Too far away from be but also with terrible traffic like how do you guys live? D) Obviously soft as shit if you can’t defend yourselves from a little stabby E) Doesn’t even have the
to think of drive-through coffee places F) You guys still have shit traffic G) I guess now I have to the north side just to prove that your tea is not as good as ours :D
"I’m as sweet as this iced tea I’m sippin’ honey... your shit ship ... one of the worst endings in manga history." wow that iced tea seems to have been brewed with sea water and I don't think that's honey kid.
Oh no, no, no, my darling. I assure you I drink only the sweetest of teas. There is no salt to find here on my blog unless I find it amusing, I mean have you seen the memes created by my lovely fandom, positively hysterical! Furthermore, the fact that the shit ship has sunk brings me nothing but joy. Nice try, though.
Also, please all Origos that still need validation from us Ichirukis even though you technically became canon, please fill my ask box. You all are really the most amusing specimens…
blooming tea: favourite flower?, lady grey: favourite outfit?, ginger: favourite colour(s)?, teapot: music preference?, pu-erh: 3 random facts about myself, herbal: post a selfie (you don't have to if you don't want to)
Your URL is perfection. Like holy shit, I love it so much.
blooming tea: favourite flower?
Probably reincarnations. I just really love them.
lady grey: favourite outfit?
Probably Pajama bottoms and a shirt that says “In memory of when I cared”
ginger: favourite colour(s)?
Blue, red, black, grey.
teapot: music preference?
Rock, Japanese music (mostly openings and endings from Naruto and other animes.)
pu-erh: 3 random facts about myself
I am always so fucking nervous.
I always listen to music. I just can’t not listen to music.
I RP 24/7. Like holy fuck. And I curse so fucking much.
herbal: post a selfie
This is a old picture because I’m fucking hideous dude.
HI! What were your thoughts on #kimexposedtaylorparty. Spill the tea. 🐸☕️
I lovee hot mess celeb drama that’s not life threatening so I was weak with the memes and the tweets especially when it followed #GoToSleepSelena. We all know Taylor Swift ain’t over though because she’ll come out with a new album next year and boom everyone will all be dancing to it. Just wait!
Writing prompt: The way you said “I love you.“ Over a cup of tea. One of your characters/Lana
Tiganus is fairly certain there was a point to this meeting back when they started it, but hell if she can remember what it was. At some point they got bogged down in details, going over and over the same ground until everyone’s patience was worn thin, and then Koth took one of his cheap shots at Senya and Kaliyo said something that got under Jorgan’s fur, and now Tig’s just sitting here with her forehead resting against her steepled fingers, drawing on every ounce of her Jedi training to not strangle someone.
Theron’s voice finally cuts through the bickering. “All right, clearly we’re not getting anywhere tonight. Let’s revisit this when we’re all a little less likely to kill each other, hmm?”
The others don’t need any further urging, and within a few minutes they’ve all disbanded except for Theron and Lana. The two of them exchange a few quiet words, and then Lana slips out of the room with a low “I’ll be back in a moment.”
Tig is still sitting at the conference table with her head in her hands; she pinches the bridge of her nose and then looks up at Theron. “I could be taking a nice, peaceful carbonite nap right now.”
“And slowly dying of carbonite poisoning while Valkorion talks your ear off?” he reminds her.
“Still not entirely sure I wouldn’t prefer that,” she replies, and sits back in her chair. “Was there something else?”
“Isn’t there always?” Theron asks, and then shakes his head. “But it can wait. You need a break as much as any of us.”
“Quite right.” Lana comes back into the room carrying a mug of tea, which she sets on the table in front of Tig. “The galaxy’s not going to fall apart just because we take some time to regroup.”
“You sure about that?” Tig asks as she reaches for the mug. She blows on the steaming liquid for a few moments and then takes a sip.
It’s perfect–her favorite blend, sweet-but-not-too-sweet, even at just the right temperature so that it’s not too hot to drink, but she can feel the warmth spreading through her when she swallows. It’s the kind of cup of tea that makes you think that however tough the odds are, the galaxy’s worth fighting for so long as there are cups of tea this perfect in it.
Tig closes her eyes, letting out a sigh of contentment. “See, this is why I love you.”
Lana gives a soft chuckle and bends to kiss the top of Tig’s head, smoothing a hand over her hair. “I’d like to think I’ve given you more than one reason for that, but it’s nice to have my skills appreciated.”