your imagination mindset

Imagine that you spent the day with yourself. Really, exactly who you are right now, but in a different set of flesh and bones. What would it be like? What would you talk about? Would you be spending the day with a complete stranger, acquaintance, or a dear friend of yours?
—  Nicole Addison @thepowerwithin

anonymous asked:

pre-series genderqueer Sam

hmmm, pre-series…. so let’s have some 1990’s confused teenage sam… trying to figure out what he feels like.

by 1999, my only (memorable) exposures to queer anything was Ellen (the sitcom, no talk show yet), Will and Grace (had only been on a year), and RENT. the winchesters probably knew even less than i did. 

~

He kept his hair long because he felt… pretty. He wouldn’t admit that. He let Dean and his dad think it was just some rebellious thing. He was a boy. He wasn’t supposed to want to feel pretty.

He sometimes wished he could just go somewhere where nobody knew him and show up in an outfit that would leave people wondering if he was, in fact, a he. He knew his features were delicate enough to fool people if he wanted.

He sometimes tucked himself in a way that hid his genitals and looked at himself in the mirror, wondering if that looked better. Or maybe would he feel better if he was just a girl instead. He could never make up his mind. Not that it mattered. He was who he was and he couldn’t change that.

One time he stole some eyeliner and shadow from a drug store. He played with it in the mirror when Dean and his dad were away on hunts and he was stuck alone.

He kind of liked the combination of the makeup with his comfortable boy clothes. With his longer hair and soft facial features, it gave him a sort of androgynous look that he thought fit him the best.

His secret came out when Dean confronted him. His most recent girlfriend had found it in the brothers’ bedroom and accused Dean of cheating with another girl who must have left it there. After she stormed out, Dean cornered Sam in the living room. He demanded to know where they came from.

Sam could have lied. He could have said that he had a girl over, but Dean could always tell when Sam was lying. So he chose not to answer, keeping his eyes down. Dean’s left shoe was ripped by the pinky toe.

Dean sighed.

“Sammy, are they yours?”

“Dean…” Sam begged him to just let it go.

“Dude, it’s okay. I’ve seen the way you look at yourself in the mirror sometimes. I know… something’s different.” Dean shrugged. “We’ll deal with it, whatever it is. Just don’t hide from me.”

“It’s not what you think.”

“Do you… I mean… you know, do you…. Christ Sammy, is it that you wanna be a girl?” It was obviously difficult for Dean to say and, brave as he was against monsters, he sounded terrified just then.

“No!” Sam yelled. “Not really. Not completely. I just don’t feel… right. I don’t know, Dean! I don’t know what I feel. I think I like being a guy, but I also wish I could kinda be like a girl. Or I wish I didn’t have to be one or the other… both? Neither?” Sam slid down the wall until he was sitting with his knees pulled up against his chest.

“Fuck,” Dean sighed. “I don’t even know what to say to that, kid.”

“Do you think I’m a freak?” Sam looked up at him with watery eyes.

“No. Never.” Dean folded his legs and sat down beside Sam, staring at the makeup he still held in his hands. “You know, David Bowie likes to wear makeup. I bet we could figure out a way for you to feel better and not get, ya know, beat up or anything.”

“Really?”

“Well, yeah. I know it won’t make you half girl or anything, but… it’s something, right?”

“Yeah… Dean, yes. It’s better than something.” Sam didn’t know if he was more excited about the makeup or of Dean’s acceptance, but he felt lighter and happier than he had in a long time.