your heart and mind works better that way

My heart will always be yours // Luke Hemmings Imagine (AU-Letter)

Dear (YN),

I’m not sure how to start this letter. I thought it will be a better way, as you haven’t replied to my texts or my phone calls. I just wanted to tell you that I miss you. Ever since you broke up with me, I’ve not been myself. Anything that I do, I seem to mess up. I can’t even do my work right anymore. You are always on my mind, everyday.

I dream about you, as well. You are always in my dreams, where we’re happy and nothing destroyed us. We were still the perfect couple. There’s been rumor going round that you’ve met someone else or that you’ve been going on dates. I don’t believe them.

I don’t want to believe them.

If I did believe them, I think I’ll cry. My heart is already broken as it is. All the rumors about you and some other guy is already making my heart break even more. Why can’t we just talk things out and see where we go from there? But maybe you don’t want to do that. No matter how many times I’ve texted you about it, you didn’t reply once to me. I told one of your mates to tell you, she texted me saying that she did, but you told her that you didn’t want too.

I wasn’t the one who broke off the relationship. We dated for 3 and a half years. I always thought that you and me would get married and have children. I guess I was wrong. There is one thing that I always think about, that is I feel like I wasn’t that good enough for you. I’ve always thought about that. I know you’ll say that ‘you were. you’re so perfect for me and to me’ but I feel like I wasn’t.

If I was, then why did you break up with me then?

No matter what happens between us, my heart will always belong to you. You are the only girl who has it and will always have it. No other girl, just you, (YN). I hope that you reply back to this, if not, I’ll keep trying until you do.
I still love you and I will always love you. No matter what happens.

Luke xx

i fell in love with the way you touched me without using your hands, being long distance we didn’t get the everyday stuff as simple as holding hands or hugging each other when were sad. we didn’t fall in love with the way we touched each other. it wasn’t lust, yet love. i fell in love with the way your mind works, and how kind hearted you are to me. i didn’t get to fall asleep next to you, but rather with my phone on the pillow right next to me. you may not be able to hug me when I’m sad, but when you call me it instantly makes me feel better, even if neither of us say much. we didn’t have some of the things that everyone else has but i think we’ve got something more, we know its more than physical. i fell in love with the way you’ve touched my mind, and the way you make me see the world in a better light. i fell in love with you in the best possible way. and i think thats why fate gave me something so great, but put it so far away from me. so i could learn to appreciate you for all the little things.

Most days, I don’t think about you as much. The thought of you is there, yes, at the back of my head like a shadow trying to be noticed, but I ignore it in favor of laughing too hard at my friend’s joke. A stranger catches my eye in passing and he smiles shyly, and suddenly there’s a flash of memory of you doing the same thing, your eyes lighting up with stars and your grin stretching wide and bright and my heart stops for a split second. I shake the thought away and the stranger has moved on.

Some days, I don’t think about you at all. I wake up and my first thought is about the deadlines I have to meet, my morning coffee burning my tongue into numbness as my mind stresses over papers and work and a mantra of ‘one thing at a time, one thing at a time’–I tell myself it’s better this way, for me to collapse onto my bed in the late hours of the night, exhausted and drained but completely free of any thoughts about you. I tell myself it’s better this way, I’m better off on my own, and pretend that it’s not your arms I think about when I wrap my blankets a little closer and close my eyes.

Still, some days…you are all I can think about. I wake up from dreams with your name on my lips and there’s that crushing realization that you’re not mine, you never were and you never will be, and I carry the dragging weight of it inside my chest all day. Every mention of you makes me flinch, every boy with your build makes me duck my head and hold my breath.

I have to remind myself, constantly, that you’re gone and you’re not coming back. Not for me, anyway. I have to remind myself of that, too. Of the fact that I mean nothing to you and while I’m trying to escape this tiring cycle of avoiding a ghost from the past, you probably never even spared a thought about me.

—  some days you still haunt me