your dead grandma

“Why do you keep avoiding me?” he asked her. “Do you really hate me that much?” It wasn’t the first time he’d asked her. It was more like the tenth, and she was beginning to grow tired of it.

“I don’t hate you!” she exclaimed, exasperated. “Okay? I don’t hate you. I don’t hate you at all.”

“Then why avoid me? Why ignore me?” he persisted.

“Because,” she sighed, “being around you makes me sad.”


“Yes, sad,” she said. “Because it’s like being at a funeral. You were a part of my life that I loved, but now it’s gone. I will always love it, but being around you is almost like getting a constant reminder that your grandma is dead.” She shook her head, looking away from him. “You just.. You make me sad.”

—  excerpt from an unfinished book #145
The Signs as Lines from Speeches (Part 2)
  • Aries: "Did you know that I can make stupid people leave places with my mind? {stares at audience member} 43% of the time."
  • Taurus: "I'm inside an ass 3 times a day, and if it's washed, it's a Christmas miracle."
  • Gemini: "And President Trump, Tom Brady is in your bedroom so after work, you can just go ahead and grab that pussy."
  • Cancer: "If you were to die right now, where'd you think you'd go? Heaven? Really? Are you sure? Okay..."
  • Leo: "Just like Neo from the Matrix, Snap inc also believed in themselves. And maybe did the cool back bend thing. I don't know."
  • Virgo: "So your grandma is dead, but, BUNNIES!"
  • Libra: "Get out your brushes, because I'm going to serve up some truth paste."
  • Scorpio: "Warlocks are enemies of God."
  • Sagittarius: "He also believed in Sasquatch... and eventually dumped me for someone irritatingly named Mindy"
  • Capricorn: "Wait - is Betsy DeVos not a good representation of feminism?"
  • Aquarius: "Tits as small as always, Jesus Freak?"
  • Pisces: "Our ancestors ate oranges because they go great with vodka. Just like our president because he is orange and goes great with vodka."
NCT as shit I heard at work today

(To those who don’t know; I work part time at the local pony riding in my town (the parents pay and I put their children on a horse and walk around with them) so these things are said by kids between the ages of 3-10ish.)

Taeil: ”I promise to eat my broccoli’s, but not on Saturdays. Or Mondays.” *he was fascinated by how tall I was lol I’m 170 cm*
Hansol: ”Is your grandma also dead?”
Johnny: ”Can you take my phone and hatch all my pokémon eggs?“
Taeyong: ”If you want to, I can take over while you take a nap”
Yuta:  ”You look really mean but you’re nice"
Kun: ”Does it (the horse) have a penis or belly button?” *he forgot the word* *and the sentence* *he wanted to ask the pony’s gender*
Doyoung: “Your eyebrows are thicker than all my fingers put together” *that’s a lie*
Ten: *when asked what horse he wants to ride* *points at me* ”I wanna ride the girl!”
Jaehyun: ”I lived in America (for four years)
Winwin: ”I’m scared but I like it.“
Mark: ”Do you wanna come to my birthday party? There’s gonna be cake and a clown! And we have a pool.”
Jeno: ”Are you a pirate?” *literally heard this hundreds of times bc my ear piercing*
Donghyuck: ”If you’re 19 how come you have so many wrinkles?“
Jaemin: ”When I grow up I’m gonna marry you. Or are you already married?”
Jisung: ”I’m small so be kind"

In the world of superheroes, death is little more than an unscheduled break between punching a bunch of assholes in discount Halloween costumes. Both Captain America and Superman, the blue-clad flagships of Marvel and DC, have “died” and came back to life more times than the Winchester brothers.

But while their returns from the Great Beyond were joyous occasions in the comics, in the real world, they’d cause total anarchy. Proving someone’s death would become the biggest hassle ever. Every time you’d try to cancel your dead grandma’s phone service or credit cards, Comcast or VISA would be all, “Yeah, but what if she was a Kryptonian or a super soldier, and will resurrect soon? Let’s give it a few more months before we do something crazy, like stop billing her.”

In superhero universes, death is probably treated like workplace injury – everyone assumes you’re faking it, and almost certainly hires investigators to catch alleged corpses coming back to life. In Netflix’s Daredevil, there even exists a cult of ninjas with the ability to bring people back from the dead. Are they alive? Are they dead? Do they still owe Columbia House money?! That’s something we’d need to figure out, and fast.

5 Problems Superheroes Would Have (Movies Don’t Address)

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The Signs as Things my Friend Mariah has said in Casual Conversation
  • Aries: Just physically overpower you're emotionally unstable friend.
  • Taurus: ...only if you had a giant dildo as your only friend, and everyone else pretended it was a person cause they felt sorry for you.
  • Gemini: I fell headfirst into the bottomless bin of $5 movies at Walmart.
  • Cancer: He had so many monitors running porn at the same time that he overloaded the circuit breaker.
  • Leo: and, therefore, we can take off your pants
  • Virgo: Your grandma fucks dead people????
  • Libra: Or you could just chop all of your hair off in a fit of adolescent rage.
  • Scorpio: Don't worry. It has to do with the careful seduction of dorm furniture.
  • Sagittarius: Just keep your best friend's skeleton on your windowsill.
  • Capricorn: Get your mind out of the gutter and the food in your mouth.
  • Aquarius: Jesus the Dildo Seller, 2k16
  • Pisces: it's an unabortable hydrofetus