It’s been a while since I’ve written you. I’ve done a lot of traveling in the past month. This weekend will round out 4 weekends of not being home. I’m not traveling again until Christmas…lol
Today is the first Thanksgiving without you. Another holiday first…though this is the first “big” holiday of the big 3…Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. Considering you died the day (hours) after Easter, it’s been 7 months without a holiday. I made it through, same as I did with your birthday and our anniversary. Went to a Thanksgiving mass this morning. It was the first time I was in that church since your funeral. Only the second Mass I’ve gone to since you left as well. I think your mom wants me to go Saturday too.
You mom said that you have told her you want me in the church. I have seen similar signs from you, and hadn’t really thought it would be hard. Then I sat at mass trying to hold myself together and being very cynical about what was being said. It was a beautiful homily, don’t get me wrong. But talking about what I should be thankful for, and what has been given to me, and all I could do was laugh and think about what’s been taken from me. Which made me realize, you probably already know it will be hard for me to overcome these feelings and actually get to the church. It will be a personal struggle, but one you want me to face. I will do my best, baby <3
I know you must have resentment in your heart for me. You may never come to understand why I let you go. You don’t have the maturity to see pain in my reasons to why I couldn’t go on any longer in our relationship. The reasons why I had to say goodbye, why I had to end things that afternoon in October. I explained my feelings and concerns to you in as much depth as possible but I’m sure you never saw how much my heart ached in doing so. The fact that I was trying so hard not to fall down because letting you go shattered me into pieces. I never wanted to lose you. You brought me the kind of joy I didn’t know was possible. I had lost all hopes for love and you showed up, teaching me that I have more a lot to give. If I could, I would’ve accompanied you to the end of this world. You might never understand all that I went through, you might never know the aftermath of how I dealt with the loss of you, but I loved you wholeheartedly and nothing short of that. My love for you was ocean deep, I wanted to be with you so badly that it took me so long to finally gain the courage and put a stop to our tangled and adolescent relationship. I still lay in bed late at night replaying those crazy summer nights spent with you. I still think about the way your fingers traced my back, my lips, the depths within my body. I still think of your lips softly on top of mine. I still think about the way we laughed in the dark, holding each other in a tight embrace. I still think about all the places we set foot, all the places we created fond memories, the places that will always remind me of you. I still think about us. You called me your summer love and though those two words should’ve been obvious for me to know we were just passengers in each other’s lives, I held on like they meant the world to me. I’ll never forget your eyes, blue like the sky. Remember when I used to kiss them gently to remind you that I want to be with you? I still remember how it felt to hold on to you at night. I still remember how it felt to look at you and think to myself how happy I am. You welcomed me into your life, introduced me to your family, gave me a lifetime of happiness in those short 3 months. I often wonder if you think about me too. If you think how I made you feel, how I took care of you, and used to shower you with kisses whenever I saw you. I miss you terribly and I wish we could’ve lasted till the grey in our hair showed. I wish you fought for me and never took me for granted. I wish our love was strong enough to survive the storm. I had to walk away because you see, I couldn’t stay and love you while you slowly fell out of love with me. I couldn’t stay and watch you grow distant with me. I couldn’t stay and worry that you might regret being in a long distance relationship with me. I couldn’t worry about how you might some day find someone better and leave me for them. I couldn’t stay knowing that our relationship was mostly lust tangled with young love’s empty promises. There’s nothing more that I want than to be with you, but you and I were distancing and all of a sudden, it felt like I was the one trying more than you.
Truth is, I still loved you when I let you go.
I still love you as I’m healing from it.
I still love you as I’m trying to move on and accept that some people are meant to go in different directions.
I still love you as I’m thinking about what we were and what we could’ve been. I simply love you and I wish you knew just how much.