you-snarky-bastard

Quarrel

“Edward.”

Bastard.

“Darlin’,” Jonathan murmurs, making an obvious attempt to appeal to Edward using his accent.

Edward refuses to be so easily persuaded. He keeps his mouth screwed shut, aggressively flipping through the newspaper.

“Please look at me,” he says softly, leaning against the bedroom doorframe.

Edward, stubborn as ever, raises the paper to completely cover his face. To cover his eyes, which are dangerously close to watering. He rustles the pages loudly, not even bothering to read the articles—he only gets the newspaper to do the crosswords anyway.

“I’ve already said I’m sorry.”

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THIS IS SUCH A BUNCH OF CRAP.

COULD IT BE THAT TAYLOR SENT THESE PEOPLE FLOWERS BECAUSE SHE’S A KIND PERSON.

Taylor Swift Sent Flowers To 16 People In 2017 And These Are Their Stories

A new low for me.

I was squandering around the WWW (World Wide Web) reading about literal gay shit when I came across a picture of flowers. Now, these weren’t your ordinary flowers, these were flowers gifted by a rich lady named Taylor Swift. Anyway, needles led to thread (not an expression?) and boom, an epiphany. I discovered that Taylor Swift is obsessed with giving people flowers. While she has been mostly “under wraps” AKA hiding behind table cloths all year, she has made her presence known with plant life.

1. Cardi B.

Why Taylor sent her flowers: Because Cardi B. knocked Taylor off the #1 spot on the Billboard charts and Taylor wanted to seem cool with it and wanted Cardi to post a picture of it on social media so people wouldn’t call Taylor a witch or a demon.

ts1989fanatic BULLSHIT YOU SNARKY BASTARD

2. Elvis Duran.

Why Taylor sent him flowers: Because Taylor is friends with Elvis but also because he’s the most important DJ in the world and will play her music and post pictures of the flowers she got him on his social media.

ts1989fanatic WTF MOST IMPORTANT DJ IN THE WORLD HUH?

3. The LAPD.

Why Taylor sent them flowers: Because tragedy and Taylor wanted to do a nice thing.

ts1989fanatic FUCK HE FINALLY GOT ONE RIGHT AND LOST THE SNARK

4. Right Said Fred (the guy who sings “I’m Too Sexy”).

Why Taylor sent him flowers: Because Taylor sampled “I’m Too Sexy” in “Look What You Made Me Do” and probably had to pay him for it. OR she didn’t pay him and she was hoping these flowers were a good consolation prize.

ts1989fanatic LIKE TAYLOR WOULD SAMPLE A SONG AND NOT PAY FOR IT YEAH RIGHT.

5. Gigi Hadid.

Why Taylor sent her flowers: Because it was Gigi’s birthday and they are friends and friends do nice things for friends on friends birthdays.

ts1989fanatic I THINK THIS GUY IS OFF HIS MEDS

6. This Brazilian model.

Why Taylor sent her flowers: Because Taylor has a model fetish.

ts1989fanatic NO YOU CLOWN SHE LISTENS TO TAYLOR’S MUSIC AND TAYLOR APPRECIATES THIS.

7. Lea Michele.

Why Taylor sent her flowers: Because Lea read her album booklet, apparently.

ts1989fanatic HEY MORON IT WAS THE RED ALBUM BOOKLET THAT’S ART AND RED STILL DESERVES A GRAMMY.

8. This little girl.

Why Taylor sent her flowers: Because she was in Taylor’s Grammy commercial and Taylor wanted her parents to share this picture on social media.

ts1989fanatic IT WAS A THANK YOU PUTZ AND I DOUBT TAYLOR CARES IF THEY POST A PICTURE OF IT JUST SO ASSHOLES LIKE YOU CAN TAKE SHOTS AT HER.

9. This other little girl.

Why Taylor sent her flowers: Because she was in Taylor’s Grammy commercial and Taylor wanted her parents to share this picture on social media.

ts1989fanatic SEE ANSWER TO PICTURE 8 DIP SHIT

10. This other other little girl.

Why Taylor sent her flowers: Same as above lol.

ts1989fanatic I’M NOT LAUGHING OUT LOUD YOU TURD SEE ANSWERS 8 & 9

11. Victoria Arlen from Dancing With The Stars.

Why Taylor sent her flowers: Because this person danced to Taylor’s song and her record label thought it was a good idea to keep the 60+ demographic in Taylor’s favor.

ts1989fanatic HEY DUMMY IF YOU THINK TAYLOR TAKES ORDERS FROM OR NEEDS TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO BY HER RECORD LABEL, WELL THEN YOU KNOW SHIT.

12. A dancer from the “Look What You Made Me Do” video.

Why Taylor sent them flowers: Because the dancer didn’t tell anyone about the “Look What You Made Me Do” music video and Taylor wanted to reward him with a picture to post on his social media.

ts1989fanatic LIKE TAYLOR NEEDS OR EVEN WANTS PUBLICITY FOR AN ACT OF KINDNESS AND A THANK YOU.

13. A dancer from the “Look What You Made Me Do” video.

Why Taylor sent them flowers: Because the dancer didn’t tell anyone about the “Look What You Made Me Do” music video and Taylor wanted to reward him with a picture to post on his social media.

ts1989fanatic SEE ANSWER 12

14. Another dancer from the “Look What You Made Me Do” video.

Why Taylor sent them flowers: Same as above lol.

ts1989fanatic SEE ANSWER 12 & 13

15. The fine people at Craftsy.

Why Taylor sent them flowers: Because they hung post-it-notes on a window supporting Taylor during her sexual assault trial and Taylor wanted to do a nice thing for them.

ts1989fanatic IT WAS A THANK YOU FOR ALL THEIR SUPPORT DURING A DIFFICULT TIME.

16. And this random girl named Ashley.

Why Taylor sent her flowers: Because this random girl named Ashley invited Taylor to her graduation and Taylor couldn’t go.

ts1989fanatic SHE IS NOT A RANDOM GIRL YOU IDIOT SHE’S A SWIFTIE, AND IF YOU KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT TAYLOR AND HER RELATIONSHIP WITH HER FANS THEN YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY GET IT.

So, what have we learned here?

We have learned that Taylor’s florist is really fucking busy. The end.

ts1989fanatic WE ALSO LEARNED THAT YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT.

JON SNOW, YOU SNARKY BASTARD

Close behind came Robb, in grey wool trimmed with white, the Stark colors. He had the Princess Myrcella on his arm. She was a wisp of a girl, not quite eight, her hair a cascade of golden curls under a jeweled net. Jon noticed the shy looks she gave Robb as they passed between the tables and the timid way she smiled at him. He decided she was insipid. Robb didn’t even have the sense to realize how stupid she was; he was grinning like a fool.

He decided she was insipid.

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Michael had heard of the club. Everybody inside the VirtNet had heard of the Black and Blue. But he’d never met anyone who’d actually been there, because it was impossible to get into—unless you were extremely rich, famous, or high up on the criminal chain. Or, of course, a politician, which would make you all of the above.
—  James Dashner, The Eye of Minds