Do you have random thoughts such as why am I me? How did I get here? Why am I not this other person? Why was I raised how I was and why was I chosen to have the life I have now? Why was I born in the family I was born with? Why are some people born into famous families, some are born to work for what they want and some people are born trying to get what they want but never succeed? I am so sorry for making your brain hurt, but when you’ve been doing 14+ hours of flying for the past few days, the mind tends to over think and wonder.

So, how was  your New Year? Should I even ask about how those resolutions are coming along?

See, this is exactly what I’m talking about. In the middle of perfectly valid queries about medication and its effects, autocomplete busts out an alternative approach and innocently suggests that people look into treating open wounds by eschewing disinfectants and Band-Aids. Instead, why not jam your hound all up in that wound? Heh, that joke would be better if those words rhymed. Stupid English.

To be fair, dogs do lick their own wounds and will totally lick yours if you let them. I’m generously choosing to assume this is because they want to help, instead of surreptitiously trying to find out what your interiors taste like. But while dog saliva does have certain antibacterial properties, and some people totally let dogs lick their wounds because of this, I’d like to offer a counterpoint: Holy screaming shitnozzles, please don’t ever do that. Your dog was also just licking his crusty sack.

Sure, you might be fine. Then again, you might also get meningitis. Or acute renal failure. Or a nasty-ass infection that requires several surgical interventions. Or you might just straight-up die.

What I’m saying is: Invest in Bactine. At least that way you can be sure your first-aid kit hasn’t just spent 15 minutes gargling poop before making contact with your bloodstream.

12 Honest Answers To Questions Google Keeps Asking