you'reannoying:c

Confession #6609:

I had a confession to make.

May boyfriend ako. Pero virtual boyfriend, meaning text, tawag, skype, at viber lang. Hindi pa kami nagmemeet ng personal. Mas matanda ako sa kanya, estudyante sya, nagtratrabaho na ako.

Nung umpisa wala naman kaming problema, hanggang sa dumadating na dun sa point na may mga lapses na yung kwento nya. Pero syempre nakapag imbestiga na rin naman ako. Madalas inaamin ko, trust issues sa kanya. Pero para sakin mas okay kasi yung relationship na ganon for the mean time, atleast di ako mabubuntis. Hahahaha.

Almost 4 mos na kami, hanggang sa may guy na pumasok sa picture, akala nya wala akong boyfriend, di ko rin sinabing meron. Hanggang sa inaya nya ko na itry namin kung mag work kami. Nakipagkita sya agad sakin. Actually, mas una ko syang nakilala kay virtual boyfriend. Marami akong alam din about him. Di ko alam kung naoverwhelm lang ako sa nararamdaman ko kaya ako napa oo. Nakipagbreak ako sa virtual boyfriend ko. SA MISMONG BIRTHDAY KO.  

Si guy, may history ng pagiging fuck boy, which is medyo napapatunayan ko. It scares the hell out of me. To the point na may nabuntis na rin kasi sya at mag iisang taon na yung anak nila, pero di pinapakita sa kanya. Same old shit naisip ko. Dumating na ko sa point na ganito ng buhay ko. Nagmahal ng lalaking may anak na pero di kasal. Sa takot na rin na nararamdaman ko. Tinigil ko agad yung samin ni guy. But this guy we’re at the same age lang. Kaso looking for work pa rin sya tapos sobrang nega which is magagawan naman ng paraan. Tamad din kasi sya kasi unico hijo.

Then Yung virtual boyfriend ko I left him, di ko sya binigyan ng reason. Basta nakipagbreak lang ako. Pero i had the courage to tell him the truth afterwards. Nagalit sya syempre, pero siguro okay na rin yon. But In the end of the day, pareho ko na lang silang iniwan. Yung kay virtual boyfriend, napagod na ko sa lahat ng alibi nya, saka cold na. Yung guy, nararamdaman kong virginity ko lang habol.

Si guy may nilalandi ng iba at may ka fubu pa. Si ex, binlock ako sa fb. Pero i have my own ways, puro tagged pics sa kanya may kasamang babae. So naisip ko, ako ba ang nagcheat o ako ang chinecheat matagal na?

Then I just moved out of the country to move forward at magfocus na lang ulit sa career.

Dear C,

Do you remember our first kiss??

I do.

We sat beside each other on an old white wooden bench in a park at dusk. The air was cool as winter approached but I held you close to keep warm as I told you stories of all my adventures in life. You laughed and smiled at me with those big eyes.

God I wish I could see them again….

Anyway, you said how you were jealous of me because you hadn’t been on any adventures like mine. It all sounded so exciting to you. So I turned and looked into your eyes and said, “Well I guess we’ll have to go on some adventures of our own then.”

I paused, looking at your face. My gaze danced about your lips for too long until you grabbed me and pulled my body against yours and our lips pressed together as you melted in my arms.
Tell me what happened to that love. Please bring it back, at least let me hear you say my name, or let yourself hear me beg of yours.

C,

Why am I still writing to you?

I wish we could’ve worked out. I know, fundamentally, that we didn’t fit, but I still wish we did. 

It’s only been slightly over a month since I saw you last.

What happened? It seemed so clear at the time but not so much now.  

To me, it seemed like you intentionally grew distant, that you wanted to disappear. So I let you go. 

I believed that was what you wanted. Was it?

Did you find someone else? I just want to know. Why did you disappear?

Or, should I have reached out one more time? I felt like I was the only one constantly wanting more… was that not the case?

Why am I still writing to you?

I miss you. I miss our time together. I miss feeling you against me.

I miss how safe you made me feel.

It scares me, how easy it was for us to disappear into nothingness. Although I guess I have myself to blame for that. 

Why am I still writing to you? 

Confession #6608:

Hi guys. I need some advice and a different point of view, gulong gulo na kasi ako ng sobra.

Una common friend lang namin ang isa’t isa nung 1st year ng college pero ngayon nung second year naging magkaklase kami, mas close ko nga yung kaibigan niya na tawagin nalang nating J. Si J sobrang friendly niya kasi sa lahat at sobrang hyper kaya ayun minsan nag uusap kami sa room at kasama niya itong si K. Si K di talga kami masyadong close pero kinakausap niya naman ako hanggang sa inaasar at binubully niya na rin ako. Natandaan ko yung time na inaasar ako nila J at K ay biglang sinabi ni J na “Uy crush ka ni K!” Di ko alam kung anong irereact ko kaya nagjoke nalang ako na “Ay wow flattered naman ako!” kasi sympre feel ko joke joke lang kasi mga 2nd week palang non ng class. Hanggang sa nameet ko si D, girl siya na patay na patay kay K, cute na cute ako sa kanya at sobrang chix rin niya kaya sobrang nagtataka talaga ako kung bakit ayaw sakanya ni K. Sobrang shiniship ko sila non at inaasar naman ako ni K sa isang kaclose ko pang lalaki na si E. Sobrang okay lang naman sakin kasi sanay na ko na asarin kay E. (Blockmates nga pala si E at D kaya medyo close sila) So ayun napapansin ko na unti unti nagkakagusto na ko kay K. Di naman sa pagpapakafeeler pero may mga signs para sa akin na parang medyo gusto niya rin ako. Meron yung time na nagkkwento siya sakin about sa lolo niya na namatay at may binigay daw sakanya na book na Tuesdays with Morrie at sabi niya basahin ko raw tutal mahilig naman daw ako magbasa, sabi niya pa na may tatlo daw siyang copy isa na dun yung bigay sakanya ng lolo niya na namatay. Nung mismong araw din na yun inaya niya ko magsine kasama si D at J, tapos nilibre niya pa ko (na akala ko joke lang) tapos nag excuse siya non na dadaan siya ng national bookstore, medyo nagpakafeeler ako non na naisip ko “hala shet binilhan niya ba ko?” Tapos kinabukasan sabi niya na may bibigay daw siya sakin ede expected ko na talaga na binilhan niya ko. Pero kinabukasan binigay niya sakin yung mismong libro na bigay sa kanya ng lolo niya. Sobrang sobrang mas nakakatouch pa yon kesa sa bilhan niya ko ng bago. Madalas na rin kami nagkakachat nagkukulitan at kung anu ano pa. Hanggang sa isang araw si D sinabi niya kay E na “feel ko may gusto si K kay R(sa akin)” etong si E dahil tight kami sinabi niya agad sakin ede napatanong naman ako pano nasabi ni D, sabi niya na bukambibig daw kasi ako ni K. (Gago kilig ako)

Isang araw bigla akong chinat ni E sinendan niya ko ng convo nila ni D. Sabi don ni D na narinig niya daw yung usapan ng isa pa nilang friend na galing ng ibang college na si G at ni J at ni K. Parang sabi daw ni G na crush niya ko (actually di ko siya kilala basta inadd niya lang ako sa fb) tapos sabi ni K na ano ba yan may kaagaw pa raw siya tapos tinanong niya pa si G kung crush daw ba talaga ako at nag oo naman si G tapos sabi ni K na tinitignan nga daw niya yung pictures ko at gumaganda daw ako (shit bes kilig talaga) tapos hindi rin alm ni D na alam ko.

After non bigla akong iniwasan ni K. Sobrang nagtaka ako, hindi niya na ko inaasar, chinachat o kung ano mang normal na ginagawa namin noon. Napaisip ako gago ba to kakaalam ko lang na gusto din niya ko tapos biglang iiwas eh di niya naman alam na alam ko. Tapos parang lagi niya na kong inaasar kay E, kakausapin niya lng ako para asarin kay E ganun lang. Sabi sakin ng isa kong friend na baka nga nagseselos siya kay E kaya niya ko iniiwasan. Pero ayun close lang naman talaga kami ni E. May isang beses na magkasama kami ni E, as in first time namin na magkasabay ulit umuwi. Iniisip ko na non “pano kaya pag nakasalubong namin si K?!” Sobrang galing ng tadhana na nakasalubong nga namin siya pero ni minsan hindi lumingon si E at di ko rin alam kung napansin ba ni K na kasama ko si E. Meron na nga rin siyang madalas na ksamang babae sa room pero friendly lang naman talaga siya sa lhat at di naman sila laging magkasama pero doon palang parang inisip ko na “ay siguro kaya iniiwasan niya ko kasi di niya na talaga ako gusto kasi may bago na siya”.

Isang araw may kausap ako na blockmate namin tapos nag aasaran kami nung blockmate ko. Tapos nagulat kami (lalo na ako kasi nga diba hindi niya ko pinapansin) na bigla siyang nagsalita eh di naman siya kasali sa usapan sabi niya “Ang gulo niya kausap no?” Sabi niya sa blockmate namin pertaining to me. After non nagbye ako sa kanila non kasi pauwi na ko pero inasar niya lang ulit ako kay E non. Napapaisip na ko non na kaya siguro inaasar niya ko kay E kasi siguro ramdam niya ng may gusto ako sa kanya at gusto niya ko ipush palayo. Isang beses kasama ko sila as in sobrang katahimikan non tapos bigla siyang tumuro sa pinto sabi niya “Uy R, si E oh!” Tapos lahat kami napatingin lang sa kanya tapos dinagdagan niya pa ng “uy dali lingon ka na oh si E nasa labas!” Tapos humirit tong si J ng “bagay talaga kayo ni E” sabi niya sakin tapos sabi ko “ano ba naman yan!” Tapos binawi agad ni J na sabi niya “de, mas bagay kayo ni K” tapos napatingin ako kay K tapos nakatingin na pala siya sakin tapos nagtitigan lang kami eh normally parang magrereact dapat kami ng “EW ANO BA YAN” pero wala tapos ginatungan pa ng isa naming kaibigan na “ay oo nga bagay talaga kayo”

Meron din yung time na magkagrupo kami sa nstp ay may kasama pa kaming isa. Hindi niya parin ako pinapansin, pero bumubuhos yung ulan non at nagrereview siya at wala siyang dalang payong kaya nababasa yung binabasa niya at siya kaya pinayungan ko siya. Medyo inasar ko pa siya non ng “uy ang bait ko pinayungan kita!” Pero hindi niya ko pinansin kya inulit ko ulit “hala ang bait ko!” Tapos napalingon ako sa kanya tapos nakita ko lang siya na nagpipigil ng ngiti. Kainis. Sa sobrang inis ko sa kanya after non never ko na siya pinayungan, it either sobrang nauuna ako maglakad o sobrang nahuhuli, hindi na din kami nag usap non. Sobrang naiinis ako kasi hindi ko talaga siya maintindihan. Nung mismong araw din na yon nakakulitan ko na naman yung blockmate ko at as usual kahit medyo malayo siya samin sumingit na naman siya sa kulitan namin. Tapos simula non inaasar niya na ulit ako. Pero ewan ko bakit ba niya ko iniiwasan?! Nakakainis. Tapos nung nag aasaran kami parang inaasar kami ng mga kaibigan niya na “ayyy nag aasaran sila” “ay nako lq na naman sila”

Bigla din knwento sakin ni D na may gusto daw sakin ni K. (Medyo kunwari di ko alam) tapos tinanong ko kung paano niya nasabi. Kung pano daw makipag usap sa akin si K iba daw yung aura niya, tsaka kinukwento daw ako ni K sa kaibigan niya na ibang college, at ako lang raw ang minemention ni K sa twitter (binubully niya ko) at lalo na daw nung nagsine kami. Ewan ko ba kung anong paniniwalaan ko at anong mararamdaman ko. Hindi kasi alam ni D na may gusto ako kay K, lakas loob ko pa silang shiniship noon tas ako pala tong may gusto.

Ewan ko ba kung anong hinihintay ko ngayon. May gusto pa kaya siya sakin? Kelan niya kaya aaminin? Kasi ewan ko kung ako ba ang unang gagwa ng paraan? Kaso baka mapahiya lang ako. Anong gagawin ko gulong gulo ako, any advice?

Maaf jika aku terlambat, maaf jika kau terlewatkan. Maukah kau terus berdoa untukku? Semoga pertemuan kita selanjutnya bukan untuk saling mengenal lagi, tetapi untuk sama-sama berhenti berlari dan tak pernah pergi lagi.

To My beautiful Girlfriend: ‘C’,

I just want to recall every beautiful memory.

Did  I know you had a boyfriend at the time? Of course. You asked me and told me about all your dreams and poured every emotion about him into me..to be honest - It hurt like hell. That night I told you I was Bisexual and I broke into a crying mess cried about how much I liked you and my jealousy - you didn’t pity me but I told you to stay dating him because you seemed so happy with him. 

I feel guilty because after that day we weren’t 'friends’, or at least I didn’t feel as if we were friends. Even when you convince me that you both agreed to break it off I feel guilty.

When did it become normal for me to take up your boyfriends seat? 

When did it become normal for you to kiss me on the forehead, cheek and hand?

When did it become normal that people asked us, after my public coming out, if I was dating you?

More importantly, when did it become a running joke for you to say: “Yes, I’m totally dating her.”

I wont lie, the confusion did hurt.

Yet that month after you broke up with him, That night…13th of June, I asked you “Theoretically..what would happen if i asked you out?” and all you could say was that you didn’t want to say “I love you” to me because, being me, I would see those words and see just false writing. I cried that night, With joy at the fact you wanted me to ask you out, that you wanted to be with me.

I can’t tell if 'this’ is pity. When I first broke, you didn’t pity. that’s one of the reasons why I love you so much, You didn’t mistake pity and actual compassion. My fear of the word 'Love’ is so strong because I believe loving someone at this young age is not true or 'forever standing’. I betray you whenever I doubt 'Us’, especially when I’m low and believe this relationship is all just pity. 

I know we wont be together forever.

I accept that. especially since we are all walking into our GCSEs. You give me so much happiness when you tell me even when we break up you will be my friend. I know that’s true because I don’t think I can ever think of you any less than a friend. I’m sorry I can’t bring myself to tell you this long rambling note in real life, like all of our late night texts. I’m sorry I can’t properly function whenever you claim to 'Love me’.

I’m sorry for being such a sappy girlfriend, I’m sorry I can’t see you during the holiday with the time zone issues. I’m sorry I stay up till 3am just to text you from the other side of the world. I’m sorry I worry you. 
This is the only time in my teen years I can truly say I fell in love with someone. Whether it be a Friendly love, a First time experience love, or emotions getting the best of me, I know you will be one of the memories I cherish.

All the love, Your Sappy Gay-wad of a Girlfriend (H)

Aku tidak pernah begitu menginginkan seseorang hingga segila dan segigih ini!
 
Di tiap mata kita bertemu, aku semakin tidak bisa berbohong jika ternyata aku memang sangat mencintaimu!

every time trump speaks, hillary calmly stands there and lets him talk. the moment hillary starts talking, trump starts making faces and interrupting her. this is literally an adult debating against a child.

J,
I can’t believe I kissed you. I thought I had more self control than that, but when you showed up to N’s house that night I had a feeling it was going to happen. I didn’t plan on drinking but before I knew it I was laying in the grass watching the stars alone. You found me quietly and laid down next to me as we watched the stars in silence for a while. You turned and looked at me like I was the only important thing in the world. All I remember is that our foreheads were touching and we were making some BS small talk… And then it just happened. I didn’t want my first kiss to happen this way, me and you tipsy as hell. I just really wish this could’ve happened when we were both sober. We promised this wouldn’t happen summer because of college. I thought we would agree to keep our feelings in check until we became separated by distance. So fuck. Thanks for making me like you more than I did before. Saying bye to you in 6 days is going to be a blast.
Regretfully yours,
C

You know when you stay up all night saying that you’re going to study because that’s something that adults do, but you just stay up playing The Sims in your boxers while eating Cheetos Puffs. Or is that just me? Either way I’m exhausted now.