you're such a funny guy

Period Troubles

Period: you want cookies
Period: you want to fuck
Period: you want to fuck while eating cookies
Period: lets be sad about trivial things, shall we?
Period: kill them
Period: kill them too
Period: kill them and eat their cookies
Period: shhhh it’s okay you’ll feel better soon
Period: no you wont fuck you
Period: whoops you dropped a spoon better cry

anonymous asked:

Why do you like alexander?

okay so in 332 b.c. alexander was two years into his pissing contest with his dead dad when he realized that he had Seriously Miscalculated the situation and that oh surprise, the persians had ships and he had disbanded the athenian fleet bc he thought the athenians were untrustworthy pussies, and the athenians thought he was a short sunburnt virgin and also because he murdered a fucktonne of people and sold a lot more into slavery

and he realized, oh no! the persians are half way to macedonia and could possibly cut me off from the chersoneses and starve me out in persia! and if you’ve seen the princess bride you’d know: never get involved in a land war in asia. but not this kid! instead of DOING THE RESPONSIBLE THING AND TURNING BACK TO MAKE SURE THAT THE PERSIAN FLEET DOESN’T MAKE IT TO HIS HOME KINGDOM AND THEN SUBSEQUENTLY MURDER HIS OWN PEOPLE INCLUDING HIS ENTIRE FAMILY AND THE TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WHO HAD PLEDGED HIM LOYALTY

HE DECIDES TO STAY IN PERSIA. WHY? because fuck greece, that’s why, he already did greece two years ago and if those motherfuckers have the bad sense to die when faced with a superior force when all their available men had been taken away on an idiot war to persia, that’s their problem and he really couldn’t give two fucks, kiss u miss u xoxo gossip girl

so he comes up with this DUMBASS SCHEME that wouldn’t have worked for ANYONE ELSE and decides to conquer sea by land; aka, take every major port on the eastern mediterranean seaboard so’s to cut it off from the persian fleet and starve THEM out

and one of these cities was a place called tyre; you might know it from the phrase ‘tyrian purple’ bc they manufactured the most expensive dyes in the ancient world

so when alexander showed up and was like, let me make a sacrifice in ur temple, also surrender? also maybe let me loot ur town bc im short on funds, ja feel?

the governor was like, um no, please, fuck off

and alexander got SUPER PISSED. like HOW DARE YOU NOT LET ME INTO YOUR CITY? WHEN I’VE RAZED THEBES TO THE GROUND AND SALTED IT AND KILLED 6000 SOLDIERS IN A DAY AND SOLD 30000 MORE WOMEN AND CHILDREN INTO SLAVERY? YOU DON’T TRUST ME??? THE OUTRAGE

everyone was like, bro

and alexander was like THAT’S IT THEY’RE GONNA DIE THEY’RE GONNA FUCKING DIE KILL EVERYONE LET’S GO LET’S FUCKING GO

and everyone was like, maybe chill first yeah? then we’ll think of something because a lot of people are gonna die and - 

YEAH, AND? said alexander

so in his infinite wisdom, this kid, this short sunburnt virgin decides to build a LAND BRIDGE ACROSS THE SEA TO REACH THE ISLAND OF TYRE

this is what tyre looks like now

keep in mind that tyre used to be an island

so then

it takes seven months and thooouuuuuusands of people die bc alexander was SO PISSED! ABOUT NOT BEING LET IN! and when he finally takes the city, he crucifies two thousand people up the beach kills seven thousand more sells 30000 people into slavery and then razes the city

but he spared the descendents of the poet pindar, bc he might be an asshole but he’s not a barbarian he cares about literature you guys

and then when all this is over

he heads up to the temple of melqart in the razed city

and, possibly while wearing raybans with both middle fingers up - the historical sources differ on whether he was wearing a ray gun shirt or a snapback -

makes his sacrifice. 

so how could you not like him

HEY SO 

Y’all, I get about 4 request questions every day asking if I could draw this and that and whatnot. I was talking to my sister about it (while also complaining that I’m in a major art funk and have no inspiration for anything atm) and she came up with this idea. So I’m opening up requests, (honestly, anything and everything, as long as it’s appropriate) and she’s gonna go through them and help me decide which ones to draw. SO SEND THEM IN NOW! I’m only going to keep them open until Friday, so get them in while you can. And please, my sister is 13, so try to keep them appropriate! Thanks buds! Can’t wait to see what you request! =)

Why doesnt SOMEONE do something aobut ALL THESE FUCKING BOTS ON social MEDIA ???????????????
  • Co-Worker: *internally* The new guy is so cool. Well, I guess he's not the new guy anymore because he has been working here for months now, but he's still great. I look up to him so much. He's funny, and outgoing. He even gave me a cute nickname. He never recognizes my affection for him, but I think today is the day. Today is the day he'll realize how cool and cute I am.
  • Co-Worker: H-Hi!
  • New Guy: Hey, braids.
  • Co-Worker: Do you like music?
  • New Guy: Yeah, I mean everyone likes music. Kinda weird if you don't. You're friends with that rep, right?
  • Co-Worker: Huh?
  • New Guy: You know, the mopey one. Dark hair. Does she like me?
  • Co-Worker: Everyone likes you. I like you.
  • New Guy: Yeah, but that rep. That rep doesn't talk to me.
  • Co-Worker: I'm sure she likes you. You're so cool and kind and... uh, Britney Spears followed me on twitter!
  • New Guy: Whoa, what!? Britney Spears!? You're fucking joking!
  • Co-Worker: I'm serious. I guess, I'm really cool now. Hahahahahahahaha.
  • New Guy: Lemme see.
  • Co-Worker: Huh?
  • New Guy: Lemme see your phone. I wanna see Britney following you. Can you like DM her?
  • Co-Worker: You're not allowed to take your phone out at work.
  • New Guy: Come on, no one cares.
  • Co-Worker: Uh, here you go, I guess. *hands new guy her phone*
  • New Guy: *checks twitter* ...This is a bot.
  • Co-Worker: Huh?
  • New Guy: It's not the real Britney Spears, this is very obviously a bot.
  • Co-Worker: No, it's totally her. How can you even tell?
  • New Guy: First off, she only has two followers. One of which is you and the other is another Britney Spears bot. Secondly, her twitter name is Brittany Spear. Third, all of her posts are about discount fishing rods.
  • Co-Worker: Oh... I guess I didn't notice.
  • New Guy: You're fucking with me aren't you?
  • Co-Worker: *sweats* Sure, yeah.
  • New Guy: *laughs* I love you, braids. You're funny as shit.
  • Co-Worker: You love me!?
  • New Guy: Yeah, as a minor work acquaintance. Hey, if you talk to that rep later on, tell her to hit me up some time.
  • Co-Worker: Sure... yeah.
  • *later*
  • Co-Worker: *checking phone* It can't be a bot. It's definitely not a bot. Why would a Britney Spears bot follow me. I'm not even interested in fishing. It has to be the real Britney. *DMs the bot* Hey, hello Britney.
  • Brittany Spear: hi what're up :)
  • Co-Worker: Britney, I knew you were real!
  • Brittany Spear: lol hey ! :) :P
  • Co-Worker: Britney, you have to prove to this guy at my job that you're real. He's so cute and I love him so much and I want him to notice me.
  • Brittany Spear: wow hey did you kno that u can decrease you're morrtgrage rate by up to 20% check it out at www.extra.savings.ca/riwuWqoaQ/ref/100200
  • Co-Worker: Britney, this is serious.
  • Brittany Spear: Hi :)
  • Co-Worker: Britney PLS!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Brittany Spear: do U want boys to like U 🤔
  • Co-Worker: Yes, Britney! Show me the way!
  • Brittany Spear: is verry easy just follow this link and find your way https://find.your.way.jp/4wfwf42435753g$single/trinity/
  • Co-Worker: *clicks link*
  • Co-Worker: *pupils dilate*
  • *later*
  • New Guy: *working halfheartedly*
  • Co-Worker: *stumbles into new guy's cubicle* Greeting.
  • New Guy: Hey, braids.
  • Co-Worker: Does your like fishing?
  • New Guy: Nah. Never been much of an outdoorsman unless it involves extreme sports.
  • Co-Worker: Cooooooool. Go to www DOT amazone DOT co DOT de FORWARDSLASH promo FORWARDSLASH yourdiscountnow FORWARDSLASH for 90% discount code on premium fishing rods.
  • New Guy: You alright, braids? You sound kinda complete weird, and your eyes are a little completely black.
  • Co-Worker: Actavis, sizzurup, lean, drank. I've low prices completely legal real prescription email me at colombiaeastdrugstore AT gmail.com w FORWARDSLASH offers 100% secure line. Encrypted currencies accepted: BTC, Dogecoin.
  • New Guy: Uh... yeah. *leads co-worker out of his cubicle* I'm kinda completely busy at the moment. So I'll talk to you later braids. You should probably get back to work too.
  • Co-Worker: Been rejected? I can help you. Popular girls are on hand to chat 24/7 with advice at www DOT ez DASH chat DOT co DOT nz FORWARDSLASH promo FORWARDSLASH res575929682
  • *later*
  • Brittany Spear: *tweets* Why is it so dark? Why am I so numb?

Yongguk: Being able to read Daehyun’s handwriting is a gift.

Yongguk: A useless, useless gift.

2

Oliver uses the salmon ladder for more than just his health.  »—>

Need more internet friends!

I would love to have some internet friends who love musicals and would just love to have friendly banter and yeah.

I really like these musicals! If you like these musicals too, hit follow and send me a message when you have time? Idk..

•Memphis
•Company
•Guys and Dolls
•Hamilton
•A Chorus Line
•Newsies
•Fun Home
•Funny Girl
•Heathers
•Dear Evan Hansen
•Matilda
•Sweeney Todd
•Something Rotten
•Hamilton
•Falsettos
•Be More Chill
•You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown
•PIPPIN!!!!!!!!
•Anastasia
•BIG
•Great Comet

If there’s any musicals that you want to get me interested in, my message box is always open.

I also like Doctor Who. 😂

I would like to formally apologize to anyone who’s ever privately messaged me, or tried to interact with me through online group chats, and similar things to that.

No, this isn’t a kind of “haha i’m so annoying to talk to” self deprecation post, it’s moreso a “i’m very poor with social interaction and exchange and i am trying to get better” post.

I am honestly not that big of a social person. I try my best to come off as friendly and inviting on the websites I frequent, but I’m overall I’m just shy and it’s damn near impossible to get me to come out of my shell.

I’m never purposefully ignoring you, or being rude. I’m never trying to come off as uninterested as I do. I’m just trying to interact with you in a calm and casual manner. 

Anytime I overuse emojis/emoticons, I am not trying to tell an out of place joke or anything like that. I’m trying to express my feelings in a way I find difficult to do with words. 

If I’ve ever made any of you feel like your words aren’t worth my time, or I wouldn’t want to be friends, then I sincerely apologize, because the last thing I want to do is make anyone feel sad or left out.

I’m still learning social interaction and what’s okay to do in a conversation. Because of my learning disabilities, social stuff is harder for me than it would be for others. 

There is also the point that I was introduced to the internet as a place for looking at cool stuff and researching fun topics. The whole uprise of social media is still fairly alien to me, and I’m trying to accustom myself to it.

Please…do forgive me if I’ve ever come across as awkward, rude, disinterested, or anything else negative in a conversation. I am still learning and I’m trying to make new friends in the best way I can.