you're making a joke

anyone else kinda terrified you’ll never be able to hold a job in the future because of your mental illness

(ominous slapping noises in the dead of night)

lance: (breathing heavily) the heck was that?

hunk: shhh, i think i heard it coming from the hallway over

(distantly)

pidge: (under her breath) ayyyyyy i’m walkin here

For being someone who’s always sleeping or talking about sleeping or wishing he were asleep Aizawa sure likes being up late at night, doesn’t he

who would have thought I’d have found yet another reason for finding this man relatable

when the signs love you
  • aries: talks to you about anything and everything, puts responsibilities aside for you, random spontaneous hugs
  • taurus: compliments you, treats you gently, gets shy or messes their words up around you
  • gemini: always wants to talk to you, opens up/becomes more themselves around you, tries hard to make you laugh
  • cancer: acts more goofy/outgoing around you, lets you into their personal space, trusts you with their deepest secrets
  • leo: shows off in front of you, teases you, may make sexual jokes, treats you like you're something special
  • virgo: may be hot and cold, tries to help you with your problems and give you advice, looks at you with soft eyes
  • libra: makes you special, talks about you to all their friends, opens up to you about their dreams and their fears
  • scorpio: very protective of you, stares at you constantly, shows you their true self/lets their guard down
  • sagittarius: includes you in their future plans, loves to hang out with you, laughs at all your jokes
  • capricorn: like virgo, may be hot and cold, but will treat you nicer than other people and be more physically/verbally affectionate
  • aquarius: either shyer or crazier around you than around others, very interested in you, shows you their emotions
  • pisces: even quieter than usual, might mess up words around you, likes to hug or hold hands with you

Damian: “We make a good team Grayson.”

Dick: “Grayson? You’re seriously still using my last name to refer to me? Come on Dami , just say it already.”

Damian: “Fine….Richard.”

Dick: “Nuh-uh, you know what I meant, now try again.”

Damian: *Sigh* ”We make a good team…….Male Genitalia.”

are you cute as hell?
  • aries rising: yes!!! your energy is magnetic, you're so adorably bubbly. i'd say yes to anything you ever suggested because your excitement is infectious. i love your hair.
  • taurus rising: yes!!! your smile is so sweet, you're just the sort of person i want to hug all day. i want to buy you so many presents & cuddle you all the time. i love your skin.
  • gemini rising: yes!!! it's just the cutest thing when you speak fast like you're so excited about something. your laugh is perfect & you just seem sooo cool. i love your hands.
  • cancer rising: yes!!! you're so kind & precious & expressive in like 1 million ways. you are literally too good and pure for this world omg, i want to hug you. i love your eyes.
  • leo rising: yes!!! when you're happy or excited it is honestly the most adorable thing. it's so difficult to take my eyes off you whatever you're doing. i love the way you move.
  • virgo rising: yes!!! omg you're so funny & sweet in so many different ways. you're the sort of person i ALWAYS want to hang out with no matter what. i love the way you dress.
  • libra rising: yes!!! how are you so kind to like everyone ever? i swear there is not a single person in the world you don't make so god damn happy. i love your cute tiny habits.
  • scorpio rising: yes!!! you're so quiet, it makes everyone want to know more, & your jokes are A++ bc we never expect them!! you have such class. i love the way you hold yourself.
  • sagittarius rising: yes!!! how do make everyone like you so easily??? honestly tell me your secrets, you're so funny & magnetic & just generally awesome. i love your laugh.
  • capricorn rising: yes!!! idk but i just wanna hug you & keep you safe, like, forever. i look up to you so much, plus you are sooo funny!! you rock. i love the way you walk.
  • aquarius rising: yes!!! omg your comments are always appreciated bc they're so dry & funny, and your dress sense is so quirky and cute, you're a pleasure. i love your voice.
  • pisces rising: yes!!! you're like the softest baby of light, can i wrap you up in tissue paper please??? you're so sweet & lovely & well meaning all the time. i love your smile.
At a job interview
  • Them: why should I hire you?
  • Me: why shouldn't you hire me?
  • Them: shit you got me there

Theresa ‘strong and stable’ May: “People talk about the sort of Brexit that there is going to be - is it hard, soft, is it grey, white - actually, we want a red white and blue Brexit. That is the right Brexit for the United Kingdom.” 

John Oliver and every rational person left on Earth: “But what does that mean? You’re heading into a negotiation that will set the course for Britain for generations, and you’re naming colours on the fucking flag? Forget running through fields of wheat - that must be the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever said. And actually, you know what - I apologize to that guy from before - I said there was literally no worse way to discuss this than with cheese, but I was not counting on Thatcher in the Rye here answering a policy question with a fucking colour scheme.”

Friend: So you invented a one-use time machine that lets you go back and change something about history? That’s so cool!

Me: Yeah!

Friend: So, what are you going to do? Kill Hitler? Prevent an assassination or a disaster? Alter an election?

Me: (blushing furiously and carefully hiding seasons 4-7 of Star Trek The Original Series and old newspaper headline saying “TOS renewed by mysterious investor” in my coat) Yeah, um…th-those are all good ideas, yeah…

“Why do you write like your running out of time?”

Because i sold my soul to a demon in the 9th grade I need to finish all 83 of my bOOKS BUT MORE KEEP APPEARING AND I HAVE 0 MOTIVATION