you're locked in here with me

First-Meeting Sentence Starters
  • Several different scenarios that can be combined or modified for your pleasure:
  • "Uh, hi there."
  • "I was here first. Go to the back of the line!"
  • "Excuse me, is there any way you could let me go before you? I'm in a hurry."
  • "Service here is TERRIBLE today!"
  • "Is this seat taken?"
  • "Do you have a moment to talk?"
  • "Hi, listen, there's someone following me, and I'm paranoid so can you talk to me for a few minutes to make it look like I'm not alone?"
  • "Here, take this and run with me. I'll explain later!"
  • "Do you have some cash? This vending machine just ate the last of mine..."
  • "Hey, were you going to use this machine next? It gave me a free bag of chips, and I don't need to eat that many!"
  • "Do you work here?"
  • "Look, I'm not an employee, but the ____ are right over there."
  • "Hey, is this yours? It was by your feet."
  • "Are you from ____ or ____?"
  • "Hello, ____."
  • "I swear I've seen you on TV."
  • "Yes, I'm ____, and I can take a picture with you if you want."
  • "Oh my gosh, can I pet your dog?!"
  • "Sorry, there was a hair hanging off of your sleeve, and it was bothering me."
  • "Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to walk into you!"
  • "Wait a minute! I think they mixed up our orders."
  • "Ugh, this isn't my food. Did anyone here order a ____?"
  • "You look so cold. Do you want to borrow my jacket?"
  • "H-Hey, I'm freezing. Is there any way I can s-stand close to you and maybe get warmer?"
  • "You poor thing, you look like you're cooking! Here, take a bottle of water."
  • "It's so hot I think I might pass out. Can you help me?"
  • "Are you okay?"
  • "Oh, good, you're awake. What happened to you?"
  • "Where am I?"
  • "Get in! You're in danger!"
  • "Please, let me ride with you. There's someone after me!"
  • "Grab the spare helmet and jump on."
  • "Are you playing ____?"
  • "Hey, do you want to trade friend codes?"
  • "Hi, my date just stood me up, so now I have a free ticket."
  • "I'd love to take that free spot as long as you don't mind sitting next to me."
  • "Have you seen a lost child around here?"
  • "I found this child, and by the look on your face, I think they're yours."
  • "That coat isn't real fur, is it?"
  • "If you can't tell the difference between real animal pelt and fake, you shouldn't be harassing people on the street."
  • "Are we locked in here?"
  • "Can I use your phone?"
  • "Here, take my phone. No questions asked."
  • "What's cookin' good lookin'?"
  • "If you're trying to flirt with me, you may want to try again."
hamilton characters as club penguin bans
  • Washington: Stop screaming children it will be over soon
  • Jefferson to Lafayette: I could kill you right now, no one would hear you scream, I could go back and pretend to be you, they wouldn't even realize you were missing
  • Hercules: Fashion police, you're definitely under arrest
  • Aaron: You're tearing this family apart, god damn why can't you do it right
  • Alexander: 911 what is your emergency, what do you mean you're being murdered, people can't do that.
  • Jefferson: Put it on the menu
  • Alexander: You should jump cos no one likes you lol
  • Angelica: When I see stars I think of you, because you're only beautiful from a distance
  • Peggy: I heard you like the bad penguins, I don't want to brag but, I didn't sign up with my parents permission
  • Alexander: Help I can't swim
  • Angelica: Your point
  • Alexander: I'm drowning
  • Angelica: And I'm reading
  • Hercules: I live a hard life and work a dangerous job, i work as an officer for the fashion police
  • Angelica: That's not a good thing
  • Seabury: Thank you all for coming *no one is there*
  • King George: Have you ever heard of stranger danger
  • Aaron: Girl r u trash bc I want to take you out
  • Alex: I poisoned one of our glasses but I forgot which one
  • John: The way this dinner is going I hope it's mine
  • Madison to Jefferson: What the fuck purple
  • Eliza: Magic mirror, will I ever find love
  • Mirror: Ask again later
  • Alex: I like you
  • Ang: Me?
  • Eliza: No he meant me
  • Hercules: Dora your never going to get there with boots
  • Maria: I'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch
  • Hamilton: Can I pay you in swag
  • Eliza: What the flipper
  • Peggy: Why would you swear like that
  • Maria: Was abandoned, is alone and sad
  • Washington: Locked up because my eyebrow game was to strong
  • Jefferson/Aaron: Smooth as butter
Ghost Adventures Starters
  • "I hate the basement. I'm just putting that out there."
  • "I've come a long way to talk to you because I think you're a piece of crap."
  • "Is this spirit being a smartass?"
  • "You look great for being... not alive."
  • "Ghosts don't even like me."
  • "It's cold, it's dark, and it's exciting as hell!"
  • "Are you banging your head on the wall?"
  • "Something is up here, gathering all the power it can."
  • "If this is the portal of hell, why don't you come up out of that ground and get us?"
  • "Here I am in the sugar shack!"
  • "I hope you can hear me up there in the damned attic!"
  • "I can't wait to get locked in here."
  • "Dude, he's kinda creeping me out. No joke."
  • "Have you ever heard of those guys who wear jackets when it's really, really hot out?"
  • "I can't believe they left me out here, all by myself, with this music playing."
  • "Wait, am I standing on his grave?"
  • "I have respect for all spirits... except for you."
  • "I just wanna see where the massacre took place."
  • "This right here is like putting holy water on a demon."
  • "I'm just pumped! Are you guys pumped?"
  • "I smell beautiful."
  • "Do you see that? Because I can't, either."
  • "You have reached your final desination. Hell."
  • "This is tougher than it looks on tv, trust me."
  • "This is beyond dangerous. I don't recommend anybody do this."
  • "It was probably the most dangerous, craziest thing we've ever done."
  • "Hey, we're just lost. We need a place to stay."
  • "Thank you for knocking."
  • "I've got a teddy bear for you!"
  • "Were you stabbed in this room, Sir?"
Fake Chats #137
  • Jungkook: if I was really a cop, I'd totally arrest you.
  • Jimin: on what grounds?
  • Jungkook: of being too cute?
  • Jimin: wouldn't you just have to arrest yourself, then?
  • Jungkook: no.
  • Jimin: I think you would.
  • Jungkook: no.
  • Jimin: you're pretty cute.
  • Jungkook: but you're WAY too cute, is the point here.
  • Jimin: so you're gonna lock me up so only you can see me?
  • Jungkook: exact-, hang on. No, that's not what I mean.
  • Jimin: what do you mean, then?
  • Jungkook: see, this is precisely the sort of smug, adorable smile that will get you arrested.
  • Jimin: good thing you're not a cop then, huh?
  • Jungkook: doesn't prevent me from throwing you over my shoulder and taking you wherever I like.
  • Jimin: go ahead. I'll just steal your favorite shirts and hum your favorite songs while cuddling Tae.
  • Jungkook: that's illegal. I'll arrest you for that, too
  • Jimin: Jungkookie.
  • Jungkook: what?
  • Jimin: you're cute.
  • Jungkook: I don't like you. I'm locking you in my room.
  • Jimin: okay. Are we gonna cuddle all night? I wanna wear one of your big shirts.
  • Jungkook:
  • Taehyung: see, this is why you don't play these games with Jiminnie. He inevitably wins.
  • Jungkook: why are you always around to witness my pain?
  • Taehyung: is there really an answer to that question?
club penguin bans sentence starters
  • "i'm a fucking piece of pizza,"
  • "holy shit toto, we sure as fuck ain't in kansas anymore,"
  • "i ain't fucking with these christmas lights anymore,"
  • "why is the only angry one black?"
  • "get in loser, we're going sledding,"
  • "jesus fucking christ, that cookie hot as shit,"
  • "ah yes, my meth lab is ready,"
  • "i need this life vest 'cos i'm drowning in the pussy,"
  • "i could kill you right now, no one would wear you scream,"
  • "i could go back and pretend to be you,"
  • "fashion police, you're definitely under arrest,"
  • "you're tearing this family apart, ___"
  • "what do you mean you're being murdered? that's illegal, people can't do that,"
  • "i'm wanted for stealing yo girl/boy,"
  • "wanna hear a joke? your future,"
  • "i would like to order all the money,"
  • "when i see stars i think of you. because you're only beautiful from a distance,"
  • "do it for the vine,"
  • "you dress like an idiot,"
  • "girl/boy, are you because i want to take you out,"
  • "hey you forgot something. your social life,"
  • "help me hide this body in here,"
  • "did you just propose, using emojis?"
  • "do drugs they said. it will be fun they said,"
  • "it's called capitalism,"
  • "thank you for helping me commit cannibalism,"
  • "shit, we on national television,"
  • "bitch, throw one more snowball at me,"
  • "can you leave my house please?"
  • "i'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch,"
  • "can i pay you in swag?"
  • "excuse me, do you know where i can find the booty?"
  • "what the flipper?"
  • "santa isn't real,"
  • "what do penguins do in a race? they peng-win,"
  • "a milkshake ain't a goddamn pizza,"
  • "locked up because my eyebrow game was too strong,"
  • "man, look at all this fuckin' dope,"
  • "fuck it, i ain't running,"
  • "hey, do you wanna join my gang?"
  • "i'll ask my mom,"
  • "smooth as butter,"

okay so i was having thoughts this morning about how i believe that obi-wan was probably t h e best master for anakin under the circumstances (and a few others) and how as much as i hate predestination, if you accept anakin as (one of?) the chosen one(s), then he is fated to bring about the fall of the Jedi - cos you can’t have balance when the lightside outnumbers the darkside by as much as it does. and i started thinking about how what if the universes where obi-wan is his master greatly delays him fucking off to the darkside and bringing about the end of the Order? well, he was all of 23 when that happened, which means in other universes, where obi-wan is not his master, he probably abandons the order much younger than that.

okay, so - an au where.

an au where qui-gon lives. despite reasons why it probably wouldn’t happen, he becomes anakin’s master, obi-wan fucks off to do Knight Things and Grow As His Own Person. anakin has his canonical crisis of faith and great realization that being a jedi is difficult and not actually all that he thought it was going to be. he fucks off from the order - say around the age of fifteen?

qui-gon, despite everything, goes off to hunt him. despite this “betrayal”. after all, anakin is the chosen one, right? so he even goes so far as to call in obi-wan to help him find anakin. meanwhile, anakin is employing every last trick in the book to remain out of reach. he won’t go back - he won’t. he can do more good out there in the galaxy, instead of tied down by the (hostile, tbh) jedi order.

it just so happens that obi-wan finds him. rather than try to arrest him or anything (leaving the order is not a ‘take into custody’ offense, as obi-wan well knows) and actually talks to anakin about the reasons why he’s fucked off. he finds the reasons understandable. besides, becoming a jedi is not being conscripted. anakin has the right to leave if he feels like it. obi-wan tells him that it’s fucking dangerous for a half-trained force sensitive out there in the wild galaxy, but when anakin doesn’t change his mind (because he’s hella stubborn tbh) obi-wan is just like “welp” and lets him go. he tells qui-gon he never found anakin, but that it’s really unreasonable to hunt the kid down for fucking off. it’s another thing that qui-gon and obi-wan don’t see eye-to-eye with.

so that’s that, right? they’ll never see the chosen one again.

but wait, there’s more. So of course the Sith find anakin. he must bring balance to the force. Dooku and Sidious play bad cop/good cop until anakin is firmly under Sidious’ thumb. (presumably, Qui-gon would have found nine hundred different ways to keep anakin away from palpatine, who might even have been the one to plant the idea of running off into anakin’s head on the few times when he was allowed to speak with the kid). anakin goes corrupt, as you do when siths are fucking with your head, and the story proceeds.

here it is, the fall of the jedi order, and order 66.

ymmv what happens to qui-gon. does he live through even this? or is he shot down protecting obi-wan? in either case, obi-wan survives as he tends to, trying to regroup with the rest of the surviving Jedi. of course, you have this wretched sith lord, Darth Vader, hunting them all down. his skill with a blade is unparalleled. no jedi who has faced him has survived.

when he finds them, obi-wan stays back, sacrificing himself to save the others. and yet, to his surprise, darth vader does not kill him. darth vader himself does not understand entirely why, only that once when he was very young, a jedi heard him out and let him go.

he does not let obi-wan go, but neither does his blade fall.

8

sansaregina’s 14 days of christmas

@cosimocontessina: “You’re right, I’m 100% in the wrong.The truth is I’m the one that’s not tough enough to be in here. I mean, watching the woman I love unarmed, locked up with all these murderers… it’s just too much for me.”

What went down in Dislocoeur
  • INTRO SEQUENCE
  • Ms. Bustier: in many fairy tales the prince breaks the spell by kissing the princess, can anyone tell me why?
  • Rose: BECAUSE DO THE SMOOCHY THING
  • Ms. Bustier: that's not really an answer
  • Max: technically this only applies to 87% of fairy tales
  • Ms. Bustier: there's no way that number is correct
  • Ms. Bustier: maybe like 7% or 8% at most
  • Rose: DO THE SMOOCHY THING
  • Ms. Bustier: yes Rose we got that
  • Rose: DO THE SMOOCHY THING DO THE SMOOCHY THING DO THE SMOOCHY THING
  • Ms. Bustier: who are you even talking to
  • Ms. Bustier: are you saying that in the imperative
  • Rose: pls do the smoochy thing :( #ladynoir
  • Adrien: well I just wrote this poem time to toss it in the garbage with the rest of the fandom
  • Marinette: hmm I wonder what that hot guy threw in the trash
  • Marinette: ooh it's a poem!
  • Marinette: "roses are red, violets are violet, poetry is f**king hard, do the smoochy thing pls"
  • Chloé: hmm why is Marinette looking through the garbage
  • Sabrina: did you know there's an entire fandom in there?
  • Chloé: wow she must be really desperate
  • Max: kk Kim it's time for you to run along this route and meet your crush on a bridge
  • Kim: why is her route so convoluted
  • Max: idk but if you meet her on that particular bridge and give her this particular jewel you've got a 87% chance of success
  • Kim: there's no way that number is correct
  • Kim: maybe like 7% or 8% at most
  • Marinette: I say go for it!
  • Kim: kk, running now
  • Alya: NO WAIT COME BACK
  • Alya: NEVER TAKE ROMANTIC ADVICE FROM MARINETTE
  • Marinette: now imma write a poem to Adrien
  • Chloé: and imma break the hearts of a buncha tweens
  • Chloé: hey tweens! you see how fabulous I am? well I'm never gonna date you
  • Chloé: do you see what you're missing out on
  • Chloé: well that was fun anyway I hope one of you gets akumatized now
  • Chloé: F**K ALL Y'ALL TO THE END OF THE WORLD AND BACK
  • Chloé: b**ch I'm out
  • Kim: *goes to bridge*
  • Kim: this is the Pont des Arts, right?
  • Kim: so where did all the locks go
  • Kim: it's just panes of plexiglass
  • Kim: this is way less romantic now
  • Chloé: hey Kim
  • Kim: hey Chloé lemme smash
  • Chloé: are you for real
  • Kim: I got you blue AND yellow
  • Chloé: you're as pathetic as that meme
  • Kim: she doesn't want blue and yellow
  • Chloé: look I've got a buncha tweens clamoring after me now
  • Chloé: so you're like fourth in line at best
  • Chloé: BYE
  • Kim: what has my life come to
  • Hawkmoth: wow this is even more sad than usual
  • Hawkmoth: like, I actually feel really sorry for you
  • Hawkmoth: so here have an incredibly cool transformation
  • Dislocoeur: now we're talkin
  • Dislocoeur: I've got a bow and arrows!
  • Dislocoeur: pew pew pew!
  • Marinette: and now it's POETRY TIME
  • Alya: whaddaya got
  • Marinette: "roses are nerds, poems are easy, lemme smash pls bc I think you're hot"
  • Alya: wot
  • Marinette: wow romance really isn't all that great when you're honest about it
  • Alya: wow and here I didn't think you'd ever have enough experience with romance to figure that out
  • Marinette: ooh sweet burn
  • Marinette: btw that flying guy just shot you with an arrow
  • Alya: yeah that's where the sweet burn came from
  • Alya: and now I'm suddenly tempted to go confront Nino in a rap battle
  • Marinette: YES DO IT
  • Marinette: ok Tikki let's kick that flying guy's butt
  • Dislocoeur: hey it's Ladybug!
  • Marinette: no not yet
  • Dislocoeur: oops sorry
  • Marinette: Tikki, spots on!
  • Dislocoeur: there we go!
  • Ladybug: welp running away now
  • Dislocoeur: pew pew pew!
  • Chat Noir: hey Ladybug I've got a confession to make
  • Ladybug: look I already know you love me ok?
  • Ladybug: please don't endanger us by confessing what's already incredibly obvious when there's a supervillain trying to shoot us
  • Dislocoeur: *shoots Chat Noir*
  • Ladybug: that one's on him
  • Dislocoeur: yeah kinda
  • Chat Noir: now imma kill you
  • Ladybug: why
  • Chat Noir: because hate always wins
  • Ladybug: citation needed
  • Chat Noir: citation: the US election
  • Ladybug: ok fair point
  • Chat Noir: you just accepted anecdotal evidence as proof of a general claim
  • Ladybug: oops you're right
  • Chat Noir: now prepare to die
  • Dislocoeur: *tracks down Chloé*
  • Chloé: wow and here I thought you couldn't get any more ridiculous
  • Dislocoeur: imma shoot you now
  • Chloé: and give me the ability to make even sweeter burns than usual?
  • Dislocoeur: wait nvm that's a terrible idea
  • Chloé: wow even as a villain you can't succeed in anything
  • Dislocoeur: hey Hawkmoth can you Tier 2 akumatize me?
  • Hawkmoth: sorry buddy you're on your own
  • Ladybug: I gotta figure out how to dehateify Chat Noir!
  • Brain ghost Ms. Bustier: the prince breaks the spell by kissing the princess
  • Brain ghost Rose: DO THE SMOOCHY THING
  • Ladybug: disclaimer—the following kiss is intended solely as a means of counteracting Dislocoeur's akuma-granted ability, and should not be interpreted in any romantic or otherwise non-platonic context
  • Ladybug and Chat Noir: *do the smoochy thing*
  • Rose: YES THIS IS PERFECT
  • Chat Noir: I don't remember any of that
  • Ladybug: good now end that f**ker
  • Chat Noir: *ends that f**ker*
  • Ladybug: well I guess we're done here
  • ROLL CREDITS
Fairy Tale Starters
  • "You're a wolf!"
  • "Here's an apple for you, dear."
  • "I feel like I've slept a hundred years."
  • "I'm just a humble woodsman."
  • "I see you, little princess."
  • "Mother will take good care of you."
  • "You're a fairy?"
  • "There's no such thing as magic."
  • "A talking animal?!"
  • "I need no prince."
  • "You want me to slay a dragon?"
  • "Do not stray from the path."
  • "My stepmother is evil."
  • "I have something you might need..."
  • "Stay on the path."
  • "I just wanted to go to the ball."
  • "I need to breathe."
  • "Hide in here."
  • "You're special..."
  • "I'm going and you can't stop me."
  • "Are you coming with me or not?"
  • "A witch is trying to kill you."
  • "You're the one I've been looking for!"
  • "This place is magical."
  • "I hate this dress."
  • "I will lock you away forever!"
  • "Here there be dragons."
  • "They will be looking for me."
  • "You can't keep me here!"
  • "You look delicious."
  • "Bless you, my child."
  • "Are you a princess?"
  • "I've come to save you."
  • "I don't want your help."
  • "Where are you off to?"
  • "Get away from me!"
  • "Mine now."
  • "Be careful of that."
  • "Are you a prince?"
  • "You'll not win."
  • "I will take all from you."
  • "My parents are gone."
  • "Are you going to eat me?"
  • "I cannot sleep."
  • "You can trust me."
there's a new app or something
  • Girl: Did you get the new app?
  • Boy: What app?
  • Girl: The new app, stupid.
  • Boy: What does it do?
  • Girl: It's new! Check it out. *fires up app*
  • New App: *in a fresh and cool voice* Welcome to the new app.
  • Boy: I still don't understand what it does.
  • Girl: You can press this button here and it checks for the latest version of the new app. Watch. *boop*
  • New App: Boop received. There are ZERO new updates.
  • Girl: Isn't it cool?
  • Boy: I'm really not into it.
  • Girl: C'mon. You have to be. Everyone's using it.
  • Boy: I'm not really into the same things everyone else is.
  • Girl: You're always such a hispter, but that's your choice.
  • Boy: Yeah, it's my choice and I'm proud of it.
  • *later, elsewhere*
  • Group of People: Wow, the new app rules, right? I love it. I like booping it to see if there's any new updates. We should all boop it now. No, I think we should wait. You're stupid. Yeah, let's all boop it forget the other guy. *boopboopboopboopboopboop*
  • New App: Bbbooooppppp rreeecciiieeeevvvveeedddd. Ooonneeeeee nnnnnneewwww uuuuppppdddaaaattttteeeeeee aaaaavvvvvvvaaaillllllabbbbbl-
  • Boy: *watching from afar* What a bunch of sheep. How can they get excited over a stupid app that does nothing. It's mob mentality if I've ever seen it. One person downloads a useless app, so everyone else has to. Thank god that I'm appless and entirely free from banal social dogma.
  • New App: New update has finished downloading. Activating new feature, outcast locater. One outcast located directly to the south of your group. He's watching from the alleyway.
  • Boy: Huh?
  • Group of People: *rush over the alleyway* Whoa, there really was a guy watching us from the alleyway! What a weirdo! Does he really not have the app? No one doesn't have the app, it's the newest app. Hey, do you not have the app?
  • Boy: I have to go.
  • Group of People: Don't go! Why don't you have the app? Actually, fuck off if you don't have the new app, freak!
  • Boy: *runs away* Why did they all gang up on me like? *stomach growls* Now I'm hungry after running like that. I best go to that sandwich shop over yonder and eat a... hmmm sandwich.
  • Cashier: Hello, sweetie. What kind of sandwich can I get you today?
  • Boy: Just a bread sandwich. Like, a sandwich with three slices of bread and meats, vegetables, cheeses, or condiments.
  • Cashier: *phone vibrates* Hold on, sweetie. The new app is booping me, there might be a new update.
  • New App: Hey, do you see the kid standing in front of you?
  • Cashier: You mean that very cute boy?
  • New App: Yes, him. He doesn't have the new app.
  • Cashier: What!?
  • New App: It's true.
  • Cashier: You have the new app, don't you?
  • Boy: Well, no.
  • Janitor: *stops mopping the floor* That's kind of weird.
  • Cashier: It's actually very weird.
  • Boy: I don't understand what the big deal is, it's just a dumb app.
  • Cashier: It's not dumb, everyone's using it!
  • Janitor: *locks the doors* It's suspicious that you're not using it, son. Why don't you take a seat and wait here for a moment.
  • Cashier: Yeah, me an my colleague, the janitor, have to talk. Your sandwich will be out in a moment.
  • Boy: *nervously sits*
  • *the janitor and cashier huddle behind the counter and whisper to each other*
  • Boy: *internally* This is ridiculous. Why is this stupid app getting me into so much trouble. I'm not required to download it. It's just an app. So why is everyone getting so aggressive about it.
  • Cops: *knock at the door*
  • Janitor: *lets them in* Welcome officers.
  • Cops: So we hear that someone isn't using the new app, eh?
  • Janitor: Yes officer, he's sitting right over there. He's terrible! TERRIBLE!
  • Cops: Calm down, sir. We'll take care of this. *walks over to the boy, very authoritatively* Hello, son. Now, don't be intimidated just because we're cops and all. We simply want to know why you aren't using the new app.
  • Boy: I don't know, I just don't feel like using it.
  • Cops: But you realize it's the most innovative app to be released in the past decade. It was developed by Darkheart Studios, and you know those Darkhearts always make good stuff.
  • Boy: I just don't get why I have to download it. Like, what's the big deal? All it does is update itself.
  • *cops look at each other puzzled*
  • Cops: *phone vibrates* Oh, looks like the app has something to tell us. Lemme just give it a boop. *boop*
  • New App: Boop received. New has update finished downloading. Activating new feature, extermination of the sacrilegious. Kill the boy, officers. End his miserable life.
  • Cops: Are you telling us to shoot the boy because he hasn't downloaded the app.
  • New App: Not necessarily, but any means of extermination is sufficient.
  • Cops: I don't think we should kill the boy. The new app is great an all, but not worth killing over. In fact, it's getting kind of old. I think we should take the boy down to the station for safe keeping while we figure out what's going with this here bizarre app. Hey there, little guy... oh.
  • Boy: *gone*
  • Cops: He's gone. Now where did he run off too?
  • Boy: *runs panicked down the street, the cellphone of every single person vibrating and ringing as he passes them*
  • Boy: *runs into his house and locks himself in his bedroom* What did I do to deserve this? I should just download the app and spare myself this hell. No! I refuse, I won't fall in with trends like all the sheeple. I'm special. I'm different.
  • Sister: *knocks at the boy's bedroom door, clutching a knife behind her back* Little brother, open up. I have to talk to you about something. It's important.
  • Boy: I don't feel like talking, leave me alone.
  • Sister: Come on, I'm your sister. You can trust me, open up. *tries to force the door open* Open the fucking door!
  • Boy: You're acting crazy, leave me alone!
  • Sister: Fine. *stomps off*
  • Boy: *hides under his blankets*
  • *a cacophony of cellphone notification sounds come from outside of the bedroom window*
  • Boy: *sheepishly peaks out the window, his blanket still wrapped around him*
  • *a mob of people, some armed with weapons stand in his backyard*
  • Leader of the Mob: Kid, we all know you didn't download the new app. Unfortunately, the app says we gotta kill you unless you do. I personally think that's unreasonable, but it is the new app after all, and who am I to question it?
  • Boy: Fuck your stupid app! It doesn't even do anything!
  • Leader of the Mob: What a bad attitude. It's the new sensation.
  • Boy: You're sheep!! You're all stupid sheep!! I'm never downloading the stupid fucking app!!
  • Leader of the Mob: Then we have to burn down your house, kid.
  • Boy: My dad is super rich and influential. If you burn down my house, he'll have you guys taken care of.
  • Dad: *from the mob* I actually support them, son. It's disconcerting to me as a father that you don't have the new app when everyone else does. I could support your through anything, but not this.
  • Boy: Wha- dad!? Argh! Just burn the house! I don't care! I'm not afraid to die!! At the end of the day, I'll be a martyr and you'll all still be fucking nobodies!!
  • Leader of the Mob: Whatever ya say, kid. *tosses torch at the house*
  • *the rest of the mob follows and the house quickly goes up in flames*
  • Boy: I guess this is it. This is how I die. All over a dumb app that doesn't do anything but boop.
  • *flames reach the bedroom window*
  • Boy: Oh god, oh god, oh god! I've changed my mind! I don't want to die!! *frantically pulls out his phone as the flames grow and downloads the new app*
  • New App: *boop* Thank you for downloading the new app, boy. Now, you've been forgiven. You may live. Please be sure to boop me to check for updates.
  • Boy: I feel so fucking stupid, but at least I'll live. I just have to get out of here.
  • Boy: *rushes into the hallway, but the flames have engulfed the entire house*
  • *the ceiling collapses, trapping the boy in the hallway and ceiling any exits*
  • Boy: No! Someone help me! *coughs* I'm sorry! Please help! I downloaded the app!
  • Boy: *curls up in fetal position* I don't want to die. Fire fighters will come and save me or something like that, I'm sure of it! I'm so scared! I don't want to die! I don't want to die! It can't end like this!
  • *The End*
  • Older Cisco: Oh, so, hey, I’ve got this doohickey that stopped you, a speedster, from jumping back to the past. It can also disrupt and manipulate other metas’ powers. No big. Just threw it together. Bet younger me could figure it out in no time. Just push this button right here.
  • Older Barry: I've got this thing that locked Savitar, a speedster, in the Speed Force. Except I don't know how it works. And the person who built it took four years to do so. And you have no idea who she is or where to find her. And she may not know what you're talking about. And you've got exactly a month to save the love of your life, a thing that I couldn't manage.
  • Younger Barry: Oooo, ooo, I'll take Option B back home with me.
  • Me: . . . oh my god.
My Father and the Citadel Date with Kaidan (mshenko style)
  • Kaidan: Hey, Shepard, I'm starving. What've you got?
  • Shepard: We're heading out, Kaidan.
  • Kaidan: We'll just wind up back here anyway...am I right? *peck hello* Trust me. Lemme impress you...
  • Dad: ...do all your crew members greet you so familiar?
  • Me: nnnnnnope....*shifty eyes*
  • *a few minutes later*
  • Kaidan: Classes at Jump Zero, believe it or not. Young biotics who can't cook for themselves risk starving.
  • Shepard: Did you pass? uh-you're burning the garlic.
  • Kaidan: Sorry. Guess I'm distracted.
  • Shepard: By?
  • Kaidan: I wonder...*meaningful locked gaze with Shepard*
  • Dad: So, wait. Are these two an item??
  • Me: Yep.
  • Dad: Then what was he doing with that other chick, Miranda??
  • Me: That was just a night at the casino with a friend. Why?
  • Dad: I dunno, it just seemed...huh.
  • Me: Trust me, if he were involved romantically with Miranda, that would have been waaaaay more...um. yeah.
  • *Kaidan and Shepard cuddling on the couch*
  • Kaidan: This was great.
  • Shepard: What? Is it over?
  • Kaidan: Well...What would you suggest?
  • Me: ...we'll go with the G rated ending for the night...
  • Shepard: I can't think of anything better than this moment right now.
  • Dad: Wait, what was the other option?
  • Me: It said, "Let's get into trouble" and they would have made their way to the bedroom, gotten 'distracted' before they did, and then faded to black.
  • Dad: So why did you choose the G rating?
  • Me: To spare your virgin eyes.
  • Dad: Aw, damn. That's a shame.
  • Me: ....huh
  • AU!Castiel: So Lucifer was free, with no Michael to oppose him and making hell babies so he could be even more powerful?
  • Mary: Yes, so you now you understand. We had to send him here to save the world
  • AU!Castiel: Bitch this world is falling apart and now you decide to throw in a new Lucifer to make things easier for you?
  • Mary: Well now wait-
  • AU!Castiel: Humans are dying faster than bees and you're like 'Fuck this world in particular, send in a SECOND Lucifer'
  • Mary: Dean...Dean could explain it better
  • AU!Castiel: When I meet this Dean, I'm personally gonna throw his ass back in hell. Pour honey on him, leave him with the badger demons and lock the doors behind me
  • Mary: ....
  • AU!Castiel: One hundred human babies left alive in the world to protect, and now I have to put up with this shit. Another Lucifer. Two of them. Deuxcifer.
  • AU!Castiel: I'm gonna go evil fallen angel I assing swear
My Loki references make my family insane
  • Mom: Honey, you asked me to buy that cereal, now eat it!
  • Me: I never wanted the cereal. All I ever wanted, was to be his equal! *points at brother*
  • Mom: You are your brother's equal-
  • Me: He's not my brother! He never was!
  • Mom: Alright then, you're adopted! Just enough with the Loki references-
  • Me: Does this mean I am no more than another stolen relic, locked up, here until you might have use of me?
  • Mom: Seriously, enough-
  • Me: TELL MEEEEE
  • Mom: Enough! This is insane!
  • Me: Is it madness? Is it? IS IT?
  • Mom: Just eat your cereal-
  • Me: I DO WHAT I WANT *dramatic hair flip* *walks to brother* The burden of the cereal has fallen to you now. Farewell.

anonymous asked:

rosvolio + modern fake dating au (by the way, love your work!! you're such a talented writer)

sequel? to this fic? oops? here it is on ao3? i’m pretty sure @gentlesleaze asked for this anyway?

this fic on ao3?

this also kinda mentions @jedifinnrey’s prompt too but that one i may actually fulfill later… as a sequel to this…

“You owe me one.”

Benvolio looks up from his laptop, frowning in surprise at Rosaline Capulet sliding into the chair across from him at his previously otherwise empty table. The diner continues moving around them, but Rosaline has her hands folded in front of her, eyes locked onto him.

“I do,” he says, slowly, lowering his screen. “Are you about to cash in?”

“My sister’s getting married.”

Benvolio blinks. “Yes, I know.” Now he shuts his laptop completely, pushing it aside. He mirrors her, elbows on the table, leaning in. “I was there, remember? Designed the rings - plural - and everything.”

Rosaline rolls her eyes. “I know that - that’s not - ” she closes her eyes, likely gathering herself, before the calm and business-like poise returns. “I need you to pretend to be my date to the engagement party.”

Tilting his head, Benvolio raises an eyebrow. A heartbeat passes, and he recalls that night - her lips on his, his hands riding up her thighs, the music pounding in his ears and blooding rushing down to his - 

“Okay.”

Rosaline opens her mouth but closes it. Then she narrows her eyes. “Okay?”

“Okay.” He shrugs. “I owe you one.” He hopes he isn’t blushing. “I keep my promises.”

Slowly, Rosaline nods, face and body relaxing. “Okay.”

“Can I just ask - ” Benvolio slides his laptop back to him. “Why do you need a date so badly? Livia and Isabella both know you’re single.”

When Rosaline starts twirling hair around her finger and chewing her lip, Benvolio focuses on the finger and tries not to let amusement escape to his mouth. “Uh, about that - ” Benvolio raises an eyebrow and Rosaline sighs, glancing at the ceiling in a silent prayer. With a groan, she gathers her hair back before letting all her curls lose; they fall to her shoulders in ripples. “I may have told Livia that I’ve been seeing someone. Just - to get her - off my back.”

Benvolio doesn’t bother to hide his grin. “Really?”

“She was getting really pushy, especially right before the engagement - and so I just - made up something about meeting someone online - ” Rosaline shrugs, but he notices her fingers tangled together in her lap. “It was stupid, and I really quickly made up another lie about us breaking up, but I did it, and now - now Livia insists I’m going to die alone, so - I just - I just need your help.”

This time, Benvolio grins, but he softens. “I’m happy to be of service.” His face turns serious, maybe, because Rosaline rolls her eyes. “But if Livia tries throwing a chair at me again, I’m out.”

Rosaline shakes her head. “And if you try to kiss me again, I’m out.” Her nose wrinkles as she stands, straightening out her shirt. “Definitely don’t want to relive that experience.”

And before Benvolio can defend himself - argue her point that she definitely enjoyed it, maybe even more than he did - she’s gone.

So Benvolio decides he’ll just have to prove her wrong.

  • Tweek: (reading off of a cue card) Welcome to Tweak Bros. where you are encouraged to appreciate the natural sweetness of coffee. Don't put in sugar without at least having the first sip of the original. Respect what you're paying for.
  • Cartman: Tweek I will burn this place down.
  • Kenny: *locks eyes with Tweek as he sprays whipped cream into his coffee*
  • Kyle: Tweek I am PAYING for caffeine and the right to enjoy it any way I want I will cut it with sugar and mainline it right here don’t try me
  • Stan: I'm sorry I don't like bitter bean juice by itself you pompous turd.
Roommate Starters
  • "Have you seen my stuff?"
  • "Oh my god, lock the door next time!"
  • "Clean up your things, you aren't the only one here."
  • "Have you taken out the trash yet?"
  • "I'll be doing the laundry today, so, give me all the dirty clothes."
  • "What did I say about putting the dishes in the sink?"
  • "Didn't I say you couldn't bring anyone here?"
  • "...We need a bigger dorm room."
  • "God, why am I stuck with you?"
  • "Oh shit it's you!"
  • "We are never going to last long here in this room together."
  • "I'm taking the top bunk!"
  • "Oh no, you're taking the bottom bunk!"
  • "Whoever wins gets the top bunk."
  • "Was... was this left by the older occupants of this dorm?"
  • "Oh god, ew, they didn't even bother to clean the room up!"
  • "Would you prefer to sleep together or do you want either the top or the bottom bunk?"