you're an idiot you know that

business email glossary
  • thanks in advance: get this done by the time i press "send"
  • thanks for your interest: why'd you have to bring this up
  • would you be so kind: fucking do it
  • best: i have never physically met you
  • all best: this conversation is over
  • all my best: i wish you would die
  • happy to help: this is the easiest thing in my inbox
  • i hope this helps: i've done all i'm willing to do
  • i did a bit of research: i googled it, because you're too lazy to
  • sorry to chase: answer my email
  • so sorry to chase: answer my FUCKING email
  • i am really sorry for being a pest but: i am LIVID that you are ignoring me
  • please contact my colleague: this isn't my problem
  • i'm copying in my colleague: this isn't my problem and i am thrilled about it
  • i'll check and get back to you: i might forget to
  • i'll let you know when i hear anything: i will forget to
  • can you check back with me in a week?: i'm hoping you will forget to
  • per our earlier conversation: i just yelled at you on the phone
  • great to chat just now: you just yelled at me on the phone
  • thanks!: i'm not mad at you
  • thanks!!: please don't be mad at me
  • thanks!!!: i'm crying at my desk
  • please advise: this might be your fault
  • kindly advise: this is entirely your fault
  • mind if i swing by?: i'm already in the elevator
  • can you confirm for me: you told me before and i deleted the email
  • sorry if that was unclear: i think you're an idiot
  • let me know if you need anything else: please never contact me again
theatre people as john mulaney quotes
  • Actors: You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.
  • Director: In terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.
  • Sound techs: The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.
  • Light techs: No one knows what you're talking about, you idiot!
  • Stage manager: You ever have those days where something happens and you're like... whatever, this may as well happen?
  • Assistant stage manager: I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.
  • Stage crew: I am very small, and I have no money. You can imagine the kind of stress I'm under.
  • Set builders: This is an on-fire garbage can. ...Could be a nursery.
  • Props department: Because it's the one thing you can't replace.
  • Costume department: Hi, I'm very gay, and I'd like a few dollars.
  • Makeup people: I don't look older. I just look worse.
  • Publicity team: You know how you lie to your parents?
  • Budget board: Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs.
  • Audience: I'm really sorry about last night, it's just that I'm mean and loud.
avengers as john mulaney quotes
  • steve rogers: All my money is in a savings account. Tony has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don't understand it.
  • tony stark: I was once on the phone with blockbuster video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence. That's like when Steve would be like, "We'd all go play jacks by the soda fountain," and you're like, "Nobody knows what you're talking about , you idiot."
  • clint barton: It's fun to be married. I've never been supervised before. I'm supervised! My wife studies what I do, like an anthropologist. She'll be like: "Sometimes, he will watch a movie on TV even though he already owns that movie on DVD. Pointing this out confuses and upsets him."
  • bruce banner: In terms of instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin.
  • natasha romanoff: I'll keep my emotions right here, and then one day, I'll die.
  • thor: Ah...numbers. The letters of math.
  • sam wilson: Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don't care for that shit at all.
  • bucky barnes: Here's how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the '30s: As long as you weren't there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.
  • scott lang: it's 100% easier not to do things than to do them.
  • peter parker: I have had a very long day. I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress I am under.
  • t'challa: You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.
  • Lucifer: Gonna start an apocalypse, gonna meet my son
  • *Double doors fly open, slamming against the walls*
  • Jack: What's up Daddy-O? Want some candy? How bout some whiskey? I looove humans so much, angels need to learn to be forgiving ya know? Oh, oh, I watched Brokeback Mountain last night and let me tell you-
  • Lucifer: *Sneering at the other angels* What the fuck have you idiots done to my son?
  • Balthazar: Made him awesome
  • Gabriel: Introduced him to television
  • Samandriel: Let him have a heart
  • Gadreel: Taught him to be a badass, but also forgiving
  • Castiel: Taught him drama and love
  • Lucifer: I'll. kill. you all!
  • Jack: Shut up dickbutt! God, you're so whiney. My son loves humans wahhh! Daddy doesn't love me waah. Boring
  • Gabriel: Good boy
*
  • Naruto: Sasuke...
  • Sasuke: What
  • Naruto: Huh?
  • Naruto: Oh, nothing
  • Sasuke: You said my name
  • Naruto: Yeah, that's just something I got used to doing
  • Naruto: You know, after you left
  • Sasuke: ...
  • Naruto: Like, I'd look at our team picture... or a shooting star... or get really tired while training
  • Naruto: And then remember you and then, uh
  • Sasuke: ...
  • Naruto: Sometimes Sakura, Kakashi, Sai, or, like, someone would say something and it just reminded me of, of you, uh
  • Naruto: It's- rhe- rhe-
  • Sasuke: Rhetorical
  • Naruto: Un, that
  • Naruto: I said 'Sasuke' a lot, like, these past few years but you were never around and, um, I never expect anyone to respond because you're the only Sasuke I know and everyone else is, like, used to it so they don't say anything anyways and, and
  • Naruto: Stop looking at me like that, teme!
  • Naruto: It's all your fault, ya know
  • Sasuke: ...
  • Sasuke: Actually dobe, I don't know...
  • Sasuke: where to begin
  • Sasuke: What am I to you, again?
  • Naruto: *mutters* and he calls me an idiot
  • Naruto: How many times do I have to say it
  • Naruto: You're my friend
  • Sasuke: And...?
  • Naruto: My goal, my most important person, the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, yatta yatta, we've been over this a million times already
  • Sasuke: *grinding his teeth and clenching his fists* so how do you. Feel. When we're together.
  • Naruto: Oh, uh
  • Naruto: It's really weird
  • Naruto: I get all giddy and, like, my stomach gets all... Twisty? Probably because you piss me off. Yeah, that's why my heart goes all *flails wildly* like that
  • Sasuke: I... See...
  • Sasuke: And do you feel that way about anyone else?
  • Naruto: Of course not
  • Naruto: You're my one and only
  • Naruto: uh
  • Naruto: friend
  • Naruto: Best Friend*
  • Sasuke: ...
  • Sasuke: Naruto
  • Naruto: Hm?
  • Sasuke: I'm leaving the village
  • Naruto: What?! Again?! WHY??
  • Sasuke: Let's call it a journey of redemption
  • Naruto: Redemption??
  • Naruto: Teme you're not... Like, no offense, but you don't feel guilty for anything, right? Because you didn't do anything without a good reason so...
  • Sasuke: Let's just say that
  • Sasuke: I'm 'guilty' in the same manner that you think we're just friends
  • Naruto: Huh?
  • Naruto: What does that mean?
  • Naruto: Sasuke, where are you going?
  • Sasuke: I have to pack. Good bye, my one and only
  • Sasuke: friend*
  • Person A: So I've heard you're talking shit about me.
  • Person B: It's not 'talking shit' if it's true, Idiot!
  • Person A: It's true and you know!
  • Person B: You can't fit 5 oranges into your mouth. It's impossible!!
  • Person A: Just.Fucking.Watch.Me.
  • Person D: I'll get the nurse on standby
  • Person C: I've got the camera ready!
club penguin bans sentence starters
  • "i'm a fucking piece of pizza,"
  • "holy shit toto, we sure as fuck ain't in kansas anymore,"
  • "i ain't fucking with these christmas lights anymore,"
  • "why is the only angry one black?"
  • "get in loser, we're going sledding,"
  • "jesus fucking christ, that cookie hot as shit,"
  • "ah yes, my meth lab is ready,"
  • "i need this life vest 'cos i'm drowning in the pussy,"
  • "i could kill you right now, no one would wear you scream,"
  • "i could go back and pretend to be you,"
  • "fashion police, you're definitely under arrest,"
  • "you're tearing this family apart, ___"
  • "what do you mean you're being murdered? that's illegal, people can't do that,"
  • "i'm wanted for stealing yo girl/boy,"
  • "wanna hear a joke? your future,"
  • "i would like to order all the money,"
  • "when i see stars i think of you. because you're only beautiful from a distance,"
  • "do it for the vine,"
  • "you dress like an idiot,"
  • "girl/boy, are you because i want to take you out,"
  • "hey you forgot something. your social life,"
  • "help me hide this body in here,"
  • "did you just propose, using emojis?"
  • "do drugs they said. it will be fun they said,"
  • "it's called capitalism,"
  • "thank you for helping me commit cannibalism,"
  • "shit, we on national television,"
  • "bitch, throw one more snowball at me,"
  • "can you leave my house please?"
  • "i'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch,"
  • "can i pay you in swag?"
  • "excuse me, do you know where i can find the booty?"
  • "what the flipper?"
  • "santa isn't real,"
  • "what do penguins do in a race? they peng-win,"
  • "a milkshake ain't a goddamn pizza,"
  • "locked up because my eyebrow game was too strong,"
  • "man, look at all this fuckin' dope,"
  • "fuck it, i ain't running,"
  • "hey, do you wanna join my gang?"
  • "i'll ask my mom,"
  • "smooth as butter,"
one of the purest moments from any form of media ever
  • caleb: how could you not notice that?
  • adam: i don't know, i wasn't paying attention i guess
  • caleb, laughing: you are so bad at this
  • adam: sorry, i'm just distracted
  • caleb, still laughing: adam, we're in a park, and there's barely anyone around, what are you distracted by, the pigeons?!
  • adam:
  • caleb: oh no, stop, i'm sorry, i didn't mean to make you feel embarrassed. pigeons are...cool?
  • adam, laughing: god, you're such an idiot sometimes. i... was distracted by you.
  • caleb: what? why? i've been sitting here doing nothing. i mean, look at me!
  • adam: i am! that's the point!
  • Naruto: So, like, ever since Hinata confessed to me, people have been like- ya know
  • Sasuke: Hn
  • Naruto: And I'm just- I don't, like, I can't- ya know
  • Naruto: But I should, right? There's no reason I shouldn't, uh, ya kn-
  • Sasuke: Dobe, if you say "ya know" one more time
  • Naruto: I can't help it, I'm just so, so, ya know!
  • Sasuke: Why are you talking to me about this, idiot?
  • Naruto: You're the only one who hasn't said anything, ya know. Sakura-chan, Kakashi, Ino, Iruka, even Kiba have been on my case non-stop.
  • Sasuke: It's your life. Your choice. Do what you want. It makes no difference to me.
  • Naruto: But, but Sasuke, I'm just so... Ya know.
  • Sasuke: Fine, usuratonkachi. We'll talk.
  • Sasuke: Do you think she's pretty?
  • Naruto: Eto... *squints* I guess so.
  • Naruto: Actually, now that you mention it, Hinata's kind of a looker, huh
  • Naruto: But she's still not as pretty as- *glances over* Uh, other people.
  • Sasuke: Like who? Sakura?
  • Naruto: Yeah, Sakura-chan and... Someone else
  • Sasuke: ...
  • Sasuke: So the problem is that you have feelings for another person
  • Naruto: *blushes* Um... I guess, but I doubt you- I mean, this other person will ever, ya know, feel the same way, so I should just
  • Sasuke: Have you said anything?
  • Naruto: Well, no
  • Naruto: But after everything that happened, you- I mean, this person should get it by now, and if y- they don't, that probably means it's one-sided. Right?
  • Sasuke: Maybe
  • Naruto: Oh
  • Sasuke: Unless I -I mean, this 'other person' was thinking the same way as you
  • Naruto: Really? You Were?
  • Sasuke: Were what? I'm talking about this mysterious 'other person' who's apparently prettier than Hyuuga Hinata, which is -mmmphmm!
  • Sasuke: What was that, you moron?
  • Naruto: It's called a kiss, teme.
  • Naruto: Something two people do when they like each other.
  • Sasuke: ...
  • Sasuke: I'm not familiar with the concept.
  • Sasuke: Maybe you should show me again.

how to care until it hurts. (a nine step program)

1. find comfort in their words and home in their soul.


2. know your limitations and stride past them. reach out and discover what it is you so desperately crave.


3. allow them to reach into your stomach and hang cocoons of brilliantly colored butterflies from your ribs.


4. build your personal style around the scars that decorate your neck and drape across your shoulder blades. they’ll want to see them.


5. be reckless with your heart and careful with theirs. they will never know how much of yourself you have thrown into caring for them.


6. be more honest with them than you have ever been with yourself and try not to think too hard about why these words suddenly slip from your throat as if you ever wanted them to.


7. never tell them how much you care. never tell them the way your heart beats faster when they call you this or tell you that. never let them see how their every action seals your heart in a hard wax shell of love.


8. be in love.


9. never say love.

—  r.g. | how to care until it hurts
PROBLEMS
  • Germany: I can’t believe I forgot my phone. I hope Prussia liked his birthday present yesterday. Oh, he called.
  • Phone: You have 17 new messages.
  • Germany: What?!
  • Phone: Message 1.
  • Prussia: Hey West, thanks for the Bazinga t-shirt it's… great. I was just calling because I might need a ride later tonight. Alfred can’t drive and I ran Ivan’s Mazda into that ditch after we watched Fast Five on Netflix together.
  • Russia: You still owe me for that.
  • Prussia: Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Mazdas are really flammable, did you know that? I didn’t know that. Well, I do now.. but anyway I’ll call you later if we need a pick up from the show, alright?
  • America: *snoring*
  • Prussia: Alfred, you're up! Talk to you later West!
  • Phone: End of Message.
  • Germany: I’m not listening to all of these. *skips to the last message*
  • Phone: Message 17.
  • Prussia: Oh my god is he dead? Why did you put him in the car?
  • Russia: It’s Alfred, you idiot! Just shut up and keep driving to the hospital!
  • Denmark: Gil, when are we getting to Chuck E Cheese?
  • Prussia: Mathias, shut up! Ludwig, please pick up the phone! We are in so much trouble! The show went south, so we decided to make our own, but… Oh man, oh man, pick up your stupid phone! Germany, go to my desk, open the dark drawer and burn everything inside! But hold your breath while you do it! Use that stupid t-shirt you got me to help the fire, you gotta do this, West!
  • Russia: Gilbert, eyes on the road!
  • Denmark: Truck!
  • All: *Screaming*
  • Phone: End of message.
Overly Analytical Problem #34
  • Being misunderstood... and misunderstanding.
  • Analyst: Don't be such an idiot!
  • Person: See, this...this is hurtful!
  • Analyst: How is that hurtful?
  • Person: How is telling someone not to be an idiot hurtful?!?!
  • Analayst: Yeah. The world is full of idiots and me telling you to NOT be one, indicates that I think you have the potential to be a non idiot.
  • Person: ???
  • Analyst: *huff* It means stop acting like an idiot because I know you're not one. It's a sign of... something resembling... care...
  • Yep...

anonymous asked:

Hi there.. so i need a little help, my boyfriend is bi and a lot of times some idiot people give me that "he's attracted to men AND women how could you trust him" or the "since he's a bi he's more likely to cheat on you cause you know he might miss having sex with a woman" bullshit, well of course i try my best to make them realize how stupid they sound, but since you're the queen of dragging people how would you respond to this shit?

whenever i get told that shit it’s always by someone who has cheated before or has been cheated on. and i’m a bitch. so i’m quick to go for the jugular.

“you know donald, maybe this is why all your relationships fail because you’re too busy worried about my partner instead of yours and the 5 people you choose to cheat on him with/the 5 people he chooses to cheat on you with”

if you don’t know the person it’s harder to read but typically biphobic people have the same type of insecurities so you could say

“so i tell you i’m happy and you’re instinct is to? what? discredit my boyfriend? baby i’m gonna assume your love life is pretty miserable if you can’t muster a simple ‘i’m happy for you’ ”

or if their outfit is terrible

“sounds like someone gotta worry about their wardrobe than who i’m happily involved with. maybe then you’d find yourself a man too”

or if they were bullied as a kid, which is, cmon, most if not all. you could start this whole thing w

“so you were picked on as a kid and now that you don’t understand someone else you’re gonna do exactly what straight people did to you? cute.”

so on and so forth. make it about why the fuck they care so bad. a lot of the way i read depends on the person. kind of like Bianca Del Rio’s rolodex of hate. so look at the person, find a flaw, ask why the fuck they care + flaw, watch them fold in on themselves, and enjoy your beautiful boyfriend ❤

A Supernatural Preference- How your brothers Sam and Dean find out you're dating

A/N: I’ve done something like this before but I can’t help it I just love the whole idea.

Lucifer

Lucifer being the idiot with an I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude just told them straight out while they had to talk one day.
“So boys I’m taking it you summoned me to talk about this whole darkness situation.” He says looking over to your brothers.
“No we asked you here to tell us what you’ve been up to.” Dean responds sarcastically. 
“Oh you know, raising hell, dating your sister, the usual.” Lucifer tells them in casual tone.

Crowley

Crowley and your relationship got found out because you’re an idiot who doesn’t read the name you’re about to send a photo to.
You pressed send as you sent the photo of you and your boyfriend Crowley to said boyfriend, except it wasn’t him, you read the name as you saw it was sent to ‘Big Bro Sammy’, oh shit.

Samandriel

Samandriel is just so adorable and I don’t think anyone could take their eyes off him and that was how Sam and Dean found out, because you couldn’t keep your eyes off the cute little thing.
Sam and Dean had taken Samandriel to the park because Cas insisted on helping his little brothers mental health. 
You look over to him with the softest sweetest eyes and anyone could see that the love was basically pouring out of you like honey. He looked over to you and gave you as smile and a wave and you waved back with a smile just as sweet. You didn’t think of the consequence of doing something so harmless until your brothers gave you a look that told you, you were busted.

Cas

Cas and you get caught in the shower of a hotel room you and your brother were staying at.
“Oooohh Caasss.” Your brothers heard you moan as they walked into your room to get you.
Both their eyes went wide as they knew what was happening, all of a sudden they knock on the door and your doofus of a boyfriend opens the door with an almost apologetic smile.

“Still with the revolvers,” Murphy said, shaking her head. She drove past the street leading to the storage units and went one block past it instead before she turned and parked. “When are you going to get a serious gun?”

“Look,” I said, “just because you’ve got twice as many bullets as me-”

“Three times as many,” Murphy said. “The SIG holds twenty.”

“Twenty!? Look, the point is that-”

“And it reloads a lot faster. You’ve just got some loose rounds at the bottom of your pocket, right? No speed loader?”

I stuck the gun back in my pocket and tried to make sure none of the bullets fell out as we got out of the car. “That’s not the point.”

Murphy shook her head. “Damn, Dresden.”

“I know the revolver is going to work,” I said, starting toward the storage park. “I’ve seen automatics jam before.”

“New ones?”

“Well, no…”

Murphy placed her own gun in the pocket of her light sports jacket. “It’s a good thing you’ve got options. That’s all I’m saying.”

“If a revolver is good enough for Indiana Jones,” I said, “it’s good enough for me.”

“He was a fictional character, Harry.” Her mouth curved up in a small smile. “And he had a whip.”

I eyed her.

Her eyes sparkled. “Do you have a whip Dresden?”

I eyed her even more. “Murphy… are you coming on to me?”

Drama Queen
  • Victor: Hey Yuuri, do you hear... Super angsty music playing?
  • Yuuri: You know, I thought I heard crying but the music was so loud I wasn't sure. I'll go check.
  • Yuuri: *knocking on Yuri's door*
  • Yuuri: Hey... Are you okay? What's wrong?
  • Yuri: NotHING! GO AWAY!!
  • Yuuri: I'm coming in!
  • Yuri: No, stupid pig!
  • Yuuri: Aww, poor baby, is it boy trouble?
  • Yuri: *sniffling* ...yeah, Otabek hates me and wants to break up with me!
  • Yuuri: *holding Yuri* Oh... This seems... Sudden. Victor, honey, come up here. Did you know about any of this?
  • Victor: Of what?
  • Yuuri: Yuri and Otabek's problems?
  • Victor: No... They didn't have any problems last I heard.
  • Yuri: He hates me and won't text back!
  • Victor: Haha, he probably just forgot to! I do all the time!
  • Yuri and Yuuri: HOW COULD YOU BE SO INSENSITIVE? YOU'RE SUCH AN IDIOT!
  • Yuri's Phone: *dings*
  • Yuri: Oh, he texted back.
  • Yuuri and Victor: AND?!??!!!
  • Yuri: Lmao, he just forgot. Silly Beka Bear!
  • Yuuri and Victor: *walking away* What a drama queen.
  • *Music and crying resumes less than a minute later*
  • Yuuri and Victor: Jfc