you're always standing in the kitchen so don't pretend you were busy

Homura babysitting, part one.
  • Mami: I know this is sudden but I need you to watch the kids for me.
  • Homura: ...How did you find out where I live?
  • Mami: That's not important but if you're not busy I'd like you to watch the kids while Sakura and I take care of some business.
  • Homura: Yeah, like hell I'm babysitting some-....
  • Homura: ...Wait.
  • Homura: Wait hang on, WHAT kids?
  • Nagisa: Hi lady!
  • Homura: Oh, her? Yeah, that shouldn't be too much of a prob-
  • Kyouko: Yo! Sorry I'm late but I brought the rest!
  • Homura: WAIT HOW MANY KIDS ARE YOU DUMPING ON ME HERE?
  • Yuma: Hello!
  • Homura: ...Wait, I've seen you before right?
  • Momo: Good afternoon miss.
  • Homura: ...Who's this?
  • Kyouko: This is my little sister. Introduce yourself properly Momo.
  • Momo: My name is Momo Sakura, miss.
  • Homura: Momo...? I thought...
  • Kyouko: You thought what?
  • Homura: But-... Didn't Momo, you know...?
  • Kyouko: We don't talk about that.
  • Homura: I'm pretty sure she's supposed to be dea-
  • Kyouko: ((Grabs Homura by the collar))
  • Kyouko: WE
  • Kyouko: DO NOT
  • Kyouko: TALK ABOUT THAT. UNDERSTAND?
  • Homura: Y-Yeah, I understand.
  • Kyouko: So, just watch over the kids until we get back alright?
  • Homura: Hey, how long are you two going to be?
  • Mami: Nagisa, make sure to listen to what big-sister Homura tells you okay?
  • Nagisa: Okay!
  • Homura: So you're just going to ignore me huh?
  • Kyouko: Oh yeah, and if anything happens to them while we're gone...
  • Kyouko: ((Cracks her knuckles))
  • Kyouko: I'm going to be really UPSET, you get me?
  • Homura: ....Yeah, I get you.
  • Mami: Ah, one more thing Akemi.
  • Homura: Yes?
  • Mami: You know that Kyouko will kill you if anything happens to Momo or Yuma right?
  • Homura: Yeah...?
  • Mami: She will literally kill you. I'm not exaggerating when I say that you will actually be murdered and you will seriously die.
  • Homura: YEAH, I GET IT!
  • Mami: Well, I just want you to know that I'm not like that.
  • Mami: ((Places her hand on Homura's shoulder))
  • Mami: If anything should happen to Nagisa I won't kill you...
  • Mami: ((Grips Homura's shoulder really hard))
  • Mami: I will just you WISH you were dead instead. Understand~?
  • Homura: Y-YES MA'AM I UNDERSTAND!
  • Mami: Good~!
  • Mami: ((Lets go of Homura's shoulder))
  • Mami: Well then, let's get going Sakura.
  • Kyouko: Right behind ya.
  • Homura: What have I gotten myself into...
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  • Homura: So. What the hell am I supposed to do now?
  • Nagisa: Let's play something! You wanna play hide and seek?
  • Homura: To be honest that sounds like a real hassl-
  • Nagisa: YOU'RE IT HOMURA! Count to 30 and try find us!
  • Kids: ((Scatter with the sort of military precision usually reserved for highly trained guerrilla troops))
  • Homura: God damn it...
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  • Madoka: Ah.
  • Sayaka: What's up?
  • Madoka: Suddenly I really hate hide and seek.
  • Sayaka: Oh.... kay?
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  • Homura: 28... 29... 30. Okay you little brats, here I come or whatever.
  • Homura: Let's see... I'll check the kitchen first.
  • Homura: ....Why is everything in the fridge on the floor?
  • Homura: OI, ARE YOU HIDING IN THE GODDAMN FRIDGE?
  • Nagisa: ....Noooooooooo?
  • Homura: .......
  • Homura: ..............Come out of there Nagisa.
  • Nagisa: Um, I can't.
  • Homura: Why not?
  • Nagisa: I dunno, I'm stuck! The fridge won't open!
  • Homura: Son of a...
  • Nagisa: Let m out Homura, it's cold!
  • Homura: Nah, I'm going to leave you in there for a while. That's what you get for being so stupid anyway.
  • Nagisa: YOU'RE SO MEAN!
  • Homura: Yeah, so what? What are YOU going to do about it?
  • Homura: ...Is someone shining a laser pointer at me? Alright, which one of you brats is-
  • Mami: ((Standing outside the kitchen window with a high powered sniper rifle))
  • Homura: ......
  • Mami: ......
  • Homura: ....... I thought you said you wouldn't kill me?
  • Mami: You won't die from this.
  • Homura: ......
  • Mami: .......
  • Homura: ......Yeah okay I'll let Nagisa out of the fridge.
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  • Homura: Is she just going to stalk me all day? I thought she was busy or something.
  • Nagisa: I can't believe you don't have any cheese in your fridge.
  • Homura: I can't believe you LOCKED YOURSELF IN A FRIDGE.
  • Nagisa: Rude.
  • Homura: You know where your friends are hiding?
  • Nagisa: Nope.
  • Homura: Damn.
  • Nagisa: Can I have some cheese?
  • Homura: You know I don't have cheese. You said so yourself.
  • Nagisa: ....So can I have some cheese?
  • Homura: I just you I don't HAVE any cheese!
  • Nagisa: I don't care if you have it or not, I want some cheese!
  • Homura: IF I DON'T HAVE ANY CHEESE HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO GIVE IT TO YOU?!
  • Nagisa: CHEESE! CHEEEEEESSSEEE!
  • Homura: GOD! ALRIGHT ALRIGHT FINE! Help me find the other little shits and I'll get you some damn cheese afterwards okay?!
  • Nagisa: Hooray!
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  • Homura: Yuma. What are you doing?
  • Yuma: .....
  • Homura: I know you're in there.
  • Yuma: .....
  • Homura: Yuma you don't even fit in that I can clearly see you.
  • Yuma: .....
  • Homura: LOOK, YOU CAN'T JUST PRETEND I HAVEN'T FOUND YOU AND THEN EXPECT IT TO WORK!
  • Homura: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HIDING IN THE TRASH CAN ANYWAY?!
  • Yuma: My mama always said I was a useless piece of trash.
  • Homura: .........
  • Homura: Um.
  • Homura: Well.... you're not. So get out of there.
  • Yuma: I think I'm stuck.
  • Homura: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU KIDS?! HOW DO YOU KEEP GETTING INTO PLACES YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF?!
  • Homura: IT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE, IF YOU GOT IN THEN SURELY YOU THINK YOU COULD GET OUT!
  • Yuma: It smells in here.
  • Homura: IT'S A TRASH CAN WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?!
  • Yuma: It's really cramped.
  • Homura: I hate you. I hate you so much kid.
  • Yuma: That's okay. My mama hates me too.
  • Homura: .......
  • Homura: Look, don't try to guilt me or anything alright? It's annoying and it won't work.
  • Yuma: I'm hungry.
  • Nagisa: I'm hungry too, I want some cheese.
  • Homura: WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT THE CHEESE?!
  • Nagisa: Um...
  • Homura: ((Mentally screaming))
  • Yuma: I'm stuck.
  • Homura: YES. I KNOW. GOD. GOD DAMN IT.
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  • Madoka: Ah.
  • Sayaka: What is it now Madoka?
  • Madoka: Little kids.... shouldn't play in trash cans.
  • Sayaka: Um, duh?
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  • Homura: Okay, can you lift your arms? I'm going to pull you out.
  • Homura: Ready? One... two... THREE!
  • Yuma: OW OW OW!
  • Homura: Deal with it, I'm going to pull again.
  • Yuma: NO! I DON'T WANT TO, IT HURTS!
  • Homura: Listen you little shit, I don't care if it hurts or not because this is the only way you're getting out of there. Now gimme your arms again!
  • Yuma: AH! HELP! HELP!
  • Kyouko: ((Kicks through the wall)) WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?!
  • Kyouko: HOMURA AKEMI ARE YOU TRYING TO SHOVE YUMA INTO A TRASH CAN?
  • Homura: What? NO! I'm trying to get her out!
  • Yuma: Kyouko! It's cramped and it smells in here!
  • Homura: Wait, I can explain everythOOF
  • Kyouko: ((Slugs Homura in the face))
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  • Homura: I hate you.
  • Yuma: It's not my fault.
  • Homura: YES. YES IT IS.
  • Nagisa: I want cheese.
  • Homura: SERIOUSLY CAN YOU NOT GO FOR LIKE, FIVE MINUTES WITHOUT ASKING FOR CHEESE?!
  • Yuma: I want chocolate!
  • Homura: ALL OF YOU ZIP IT AND HELP ME FIND MOMO
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  • Homura: Momo? Are you in here? This is my room you know so you better not be in here!
  • Homura: If you come out now I won't be angry but if I have to look for you and find you then I will be very, very upset. MOMO!
  • Yuma: Check the closet.
  • Nagisa: Mami said that Kyouko is stuck in the closet all the time so maybe Momo is in there too!
  • Homura: I-.... wow, okay.
  • Homura: ((Opens the closet))
  • Homura: Nope, not here.
  • Nagisa: Let's check under the bed!
  • Yuma: Yeah, my daddy hides all sorts of things under his bed!
  • Homura: Please do not tell me what sort of things are under your dad's bed.
  • Yuma: Lots of magazines of naked girls.
  • Homura: WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME AFTER I JUST ASKED YOU NOT TO?!
  • Homura: ((Sighs))
  • Homura: Alright, let's check under the bed....
  • Momo: ((Reading something under the bed))
  • Momo: Oh, hi!
  • Homura: Alright kids, game over. Get out from under there.
  • Momo: ((Crawls out))
  • Homura: Hey, what's that you're holding?
  • Momo: It's a comic I found under your bed!
  • Homura: Under my... NO DON'T LOOK AT THAT!
  • Momo: Hey! Hey! What are these two ladies doing?
  • Homura: UH- UM...
  • Yuma: Daddy has these sorts of things under his bed too!
  • Momo: Wow, really?
  • Homura: THAT'S A LIE! What your dad has is just porn but THIS is completely different! This is uh, this is clearly much more deep and meaningful than that. In actual fact, you could even say that it's like art or-
  • Nagisa: Doesn't the ladies in this book look a lot like you and Madoka?
  • Homura: -must judge a work by more than the sum of it's individual components because asdfdgfhgjkhlhjhfgdgsfasgdhgj TTTHAAAAATTTT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE!
  • Momo: Some of these pages are sticky.
  • Homura: DON'T TOUCH MY PORN MOMO
  • Kyouko: ((Slams down through the ceiling))
  • Kyouko: WHO IS THE SICK PERVERT GIVING MY LITTLE SISTER PPPPPOOOOOOORRRRRRRRNNNNNNN?!
  • Homura: ((Already mid-way climbing out the window))
  • Kyouko: ((Pulls Homura back in))
  • Kyouko: I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU THIS TIME AKEMI, YOU'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO DIE!
  • Nagisa: Oh look, there's more magazines over here.
  • Kyouko: SAY YOUR PRAYERS BECAUSE I'M GOING TO SEND YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!
  • Momo: Oh look, there's some about big-sis and her blue haired friend!
  • Kyouko: .......
  • Kyouko: Confiscated ((snatches doujin out of Momo's hands))
  • Momo: Aw, don't be mean!
  • Kyouko: I'll let you live THIS time Akemi! But if you screw up again you're dead mean, you're toast!
  • Kyouko: ((Breaks a window and jumps out))
  • Homura: COULD YOU AT LEAST COME AND GO WITHOUT CAUSING PROPERTY DAMAGE?!
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  • Nagisa: Homura! What should we play next?
  • Homura: Go play something by yourselves you three, I'm completely tired.
  • Nagisa: Okay!
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  • Nagisa: How could you do this to me?! How could you do this to US?!
  • Yuma: Baby please, a girl has needs and you're just not meeting them!
  • Momo: Sorry lady, your just a girl but Yuma needs a real woman to satisfy her.
  • Homura: Okay, what?
  • Homura: Hold it, hold up. What are you three doing?
  • Momo: We're playing house!
  • Homura: I-...
  • Homura: WHAT SORT OF HOUSE IS THIS?!
  • Yuma: My house.
  • Homura: ...Ouch.
  • Homura: Wow. Not okay, that is NOT cool.
  • Homura: Can't you play house normally? That's not how I remember how house was played when was little.
  • Nagisa: Oh! Oh! I know exactly what you mean Homura!
  • Nagisa: Okay, so I'll just lie down here... And Yuma, can you stand over me like- yeah, like that.
  • Nagisa: Okay, now put your arms out Yuma.
  • Yuma: Like this?
  • Nagisa: No, towards me. Yeah, that's it.
  • Nagisa: ((Grabs Yuma's arms))
  • Nagisa: IT'S AIYO!
  • Homura: ASDSFGDHFJ
  • Homura: NAGISA MOMOE, DO NOT!
  • Nagisa: .....Throw souls?
  • Homura: THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT, OKAY?
  • Momo: Oh, I think I know what she means!
  • Momo: Since you're already lying down Nagisa I'll just get on top of you like this and-
  • Homura: What are you doing?
  • Momo: We're playing house like in your comics Homura!
  • Yuma: Hot.
  • Homura: No. No. Do not re-enact my MadoHomu doujins please. That's just weird and wrong.
  • Kyouko: ((Bursts through house on a bulldozer)) MOOOOMMMOOOOO!
  • Mami: ((Rips off the entire roof of Homura's house with a blimp and rappels down)) NAAAGGGGIIISSSAAAA!
  • Homura: OH COME ON, REALLY!?
  • Mami: HOMURA AKEMI, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS LEWDNESS?!
  • Kyouko: FORCING LITTLE KIDS TO ACT OUT YOUR SICK TWISTED SEX FANTASIES IS COMPLETELY WRONG YOU PERVERt!
  • Homura: I DIDN'T EVEN WANT THEM TOO! THEY DID IT BY THEMSELVES! I WANT THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT THEY'RE DOING, I WANT THEM TO STOP!
  • Mami and Kyouko: TIRO LANCIA!
  • Homura: USING BATTLE PENTAGRAM SPECIALS IS AGAINST THE RULES!
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  • Homura: Well. There goes my house. And the neighbour's house. And actually, this entire block. And like, half of the next block over.
  • Nagisa: I'm hungry, can I have some cheese?
  • Homura: SERIOUSLY, DO YOU EVER SHUT UP ABOUT CHEESE?! DAMN YOU AND YOUR GOD DAMNED CHEESE!
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  • Madoka: Suddenly I really hate cheese.