Context: In the castle courtyard, waiting for our rewards after successfully stopped a dragon from demolishing it.
DM: What do you want to do now?
Chaotic Evil Dwarf(ooc): RANSACK THE TOWN!
DM: Make me a perception check (rolls 14). You see some guards coming up to you with a hammer and rope.
Dwarf(ooc): I feel threatened and strangely aroused.
DM: The young dwarf holding the rope winks at you.
Dwarf (leaning casually on a wall, winking back): Can I rope you into having a drink with me? We could get hammered, and then you could hammer me all night long ;)
DM: The dwarf’s cheeks turn red, she snatches her companion’s hammer, and hits you in the dwarf parts with it. She then says ‘I don’t think you could take me’ as you squeal and slump to the floor.
Dwarf(ooc): With my last agonising breath before I pass into the cold relief of oblivion, I grunt just loud enough for all to hear: “Sorry. I thought you were a guy”
DM: Before your consciousness fades, you Hear Generic Guard A, who has now been given his hammer back, say something that comes across as muffled. The dwarf then replies ‘they’re probably so small he might as well not have any’.
Dwarf(ooc): My final thoughts before my mind disappears like my testicles are: “That insult hurt worse than any hammer could”
Summary: A very in-depth confession of love from Phil to Dan based on and inspired by the song ‘Durban Skies’ by Bastille. (Written in Phil’s POV)
Warnings: tiny mention of alcohol?? slight suggestion of sex? idk it is definitely 100% SFW
a/n: this is the first ever actual good thing i’ve written in my life I hope it’s enjoyable and ik the punctuation is probably horrendous but idk who needs rules of the english language lmao. hope u all enjoy (also if you find any typos or anything pls lmk as it’s currently 4:30am and i’m like half asleep)
You are all that I’ve got to be thankful for.
Well, technically there’s a lot of things I’m thankful for. But nothing as important as you.
You. Dan Howell. The love of my life. My hopes, dreams, aspirations; my everything.
I know I want to be with you forever.
Our love incomparable, our souls inseparable. Nothing could ever break our bond, our hearts perfectly entangled together, like our fingertips on a dreaded, rainy, mid-Sunday taxi drive to the grocery store. Like our legs on a lazy Tuesday as we swear at each other playing Mario Kart. Like our bodies the first time we met, both of us shaking with nervousness and sweating like dogs.
I am in love with you.
You outweigh any form of negativity I have ever come across.
You are all I need. One look at you- a glance into your beautiful, dark coffee-stained eyes, and I am at peace with all in my life. All that isn’t you, anyways. I am always at peace with you.
You are my entire life, and always have been.
I fondly remember the beginning. Vivid memories of carelessness and the feeling of newly found love. The long train rides you took to close the gap between us. All the thoughtless walks around Manchester, the cheesy coffee and cinema dates, as well as the angsty nights at my house when I secretly gave you alcohol after promising my parents I wouldn’t- and getting a bit drunk. Sometimes too drunk perhaps, which led to some out of hand things. I don’t even want to know what we did, as all I remember is one time waking up to you asleep naked on my family’s dining room table. They luckily weren’t home that week. You cried over how bad you felt, and I cheered you up by ordering Indian food and wrapping us both up on the couch in a blanket as we watched our favorite childhood cartoons. You are really something else, and I couldn’t ask for any better.
Back then I could only imagine what we would experience together.
I had no idea we, as a duo, would become at all known to the world. I didn’t think about all the lives we would change and all the places we’d go and all the amazing friends we would make. All I knew for sure was that I wanted you in my arms till the day I’d die, and to this day that is still all I live by.
I am so thankful to have you next to me in my life.
Moving to London was a major risk for us. We went through some difficult hardships career-wise, but deep down I knew it would work out. Anything can work out as long as I’m with you. Our love can conquer any and all obstacles.
I understand how you work.
Your thought process, your creative sources, how your mind works. I can tell how you feel at anytime, in any situation. Parties, events, when you’re stressing about what to do for the next scene in a video. I know that the only way you can sleep most nights is if I softly play with your fingers, and if the comforter is tucked in between your knees because you hate when your bare legs are touching under the blanket as it’s too warm and it makes you feel gross. I know you better than anyone else.
You make me feel like I can live forever.
Nothing matters when our bodies are pressed together like the waves and the shore on a humid, sunny day at dusk. You know that feeling you get when you finally fit the last piece into a puzzle you’ve been working on for weeks? That feeling of completion and relief, the satisfaction and pleasure your body experiences fitting that puzzle piece perfectly into it’s place and seeing the whole picture? That’s how I feel laying next to you. When I cover your rosy face in gentle kisses every morning and when our arms embrace every time we see each other after being apart. Maybe not exactly like that, actually. Multiply that feeling by about… infinity. The way you make me feel is simply indescribable.
You’ve made me view things from a whole new perspective.
I think back to when we first walked through town together and our hair wouldn’t stop going nuts in the wind and I kept complaining and got frustrated. Your hands reached down to mine and held on just tight enough and everything was instantly calm in my mind. You taught me how to be the best person I can be and told me everything I needed to hear and more. I am forever grateful for your impact on my life.
You are the only person I want to spend my life with.
I personally don’t think weddings are the most important part of a relationship, but I know how much you look forward to ours. I often imagine seeing your gravity-defying smile and glistening eyes of endearment as we exchange I do’s and an everlasting kiss to seal everything we’ve shared since way back when. Seeing you happy is what’s most important to me.
It’s a miracle this ever worked out and I am forever grateful.
The slightest of changes in one of our paths could’ve caused everything to be different. It’s insane to think that if I hadn’t bought that exact box of cereal that one day, I would’ve never experimented with the camera I won and started uploading to youtube when I did. Every single specific decision each of us made somehow lead to this and it’s honestly terrifying to think about how easily we could’ve never even acknowledged each other, and none of this would be happening right now.
I have no words for how thankful I am that things happened the way they did.
I was always told that it wouldn’t work, but look at where we are now.
I was told not to trust you. That you were just some stranger. That you were too young and naïve, and that it wasn’t really love and that it was all just excitement. I hope they realize how wrong they were whenever they see our faces in magazines and our names in headlines. I hope they’re constantly reminded that we were different and that we made it. We made it together.
All those four am skype call sessions to the four am sunrises we’d watch from outside your family’s house to the four am netflix show binges in bed that became the only normality we know of today.
The countless amount of train rides to see each other, to the countless amount of plane rides to travel the world together. Everything is more beautiful when you’re by my side.
The hundreds of days and nights spent embraced in your arms and the hundreds and hundreds more I look forward to. You are my definition of warmth and my meaning of home and you are everything I could ever want and everything I don’t deserve and everything else that is good in the world.
You are the best person in the world. I love you so much, Dan, and I know I will love you as long as we both shall live. You complete me in every way, and you are all I’ve got to be thankful for.
5 Outlander Characters That Hate A September Premiere More Than You Do
Because this popped into my head and I won’t be doing any more pieces for Scotland Now/The Daily Record till September, when, for all we know, we might all be in the depths of a nuclear winter and I might not have access to Tumblr. Or fingers.
Slight book spoilers, but nothing beyond what’s already in the press. Read on at your own peril.
1. Frank Randall. This poor bastard is likely the only character that wishes the premiere was two weeks after never. He finally convinced Claire to give it a go for old times’ sake, moved across the ocean, is fathering a child that isn’t his, all in the hope that he can recapture the past. The inevitable breakdown of his hope and rise of his IDGAF-ness will be both tragic and riveting. I both dread it and also CAN’T WAIT.
2. Bree Randall. Not only does she have to listen to Claire constantly justify herself by describing how SCORCHING the sex was with her bio-dad, the revelation that Jamie is alive (past alive, currently dead, it’s very timey-wimey), means that Bree will now also have to shoulder the burden of making herself a 20th-century orphan x3 vs. leaving human baby chinchilla and potential bae (Roger) behind before they even hit first base. Either way, someone’s getting c*ckblocked.
3. Roger Wakefield. There are a lot of dangerous things that happen in the Outlander-verse, but none is as guaranteed to be risky as falling in love with a Fraser. Much like Moses parting the Red Sea, loving a Fraser requires brass balls, excellent hair, and divine intervention. From the moment Roger spied Bree across a room, he hitched his wagon to Satan’s ponies, and it’s only a matter of time before he joins mom-in-law Claire on the dark side. Ain’t nothing like a Randall woman to make a Mackenzie boy lose his gotdamb mind.
4. Claire Fraser-cum-Randall. Claire is not here for a lot of things, and now those things include the Bonnie Prince Charlie, traditional gender roles and the 20th century. We get the sense at the end of S2 that the Randall marriage was unhappy–and we’ll get to see that progression happen–but we’ll also see the pain and loneliness that Claire hides from everyone else, and her despair at never seeing Jamie again. Now that she knows he is alive, she’s pointed herself right at him like a bouffant-y, sexually frustrated arrow, but the man she is going back to won’t be the one she left behind.
5. James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser. Jamie finished up S2 by giving up his wife and child after agreeing to betray his King, killing his uncle and heading off to die in war. You wouldn’t think things could get worse for our Scottish Aslan, but you would be SO WRONG. War. Prison. NO KILTS. Not only does he get to live in constant ignorance of what happened to his family, but that bod is like a Ferrari that only gets driven to oil changes and that is a crying shame. Basically, underneath Jamie’s lagoon of sadness lives a subterranean village of suck, and he has barely set foot on what will be an island cave filled wall-to-wall with WTF.
Feels like your interaction with anons goes YOU: *produces art because you enjoy it* ANON: Have some unsolicited advice. You should do the art I want you to do. Because that would get you more followers/be more respectable/be more worthwhile. YOU: I'm good. I enjoy my art. I'm not doing it for *outcome they offered* ANON: You!! Enjoy your own art!! You create it without me in mind!! How dare!! Here are reasons you shouldn't!!!
This is accurate, but it isn’t just anons. It’s virtually everyone to some degree.
I don’t mean offense by that. Most of the time, people just want to help. Or they’re excited. I even do it to other girls myself sometimes. We give unsolicited advice, suggestions, “you should”s and so on.
We try to control, even in the most well meaning way, what women do with their talents. We want to have a say in a woman’s behavior.
It’s a cynical way to think, but in my experience, it’s not a big step all to go from “You should try this” to “I was just trying to help” to “Wow you’re a bitch for not letting me control you.” It’s breathtaking to me sometimes how quickly and willingly people turn on you this way because of the expectation that you exist for them rather than for yourself. And it’s a very strong expectation, one you probably don’t think you have.
But it’s there when people tell me to turn off anons or say nasty things because I’m not dealing with hate the way they want me to. It’s there when people tell me who I should draw. It’s there when people say, under their breath, “I wish she wouldn’t copy photos.” “I wish you would behave according to me.”
And we’re not shy about it, especially when we think we’re being helpful. The need to rescue (and the expectation that women need to be rescued, even if from no one else but their own inherent bad judgment or “sin”) is deeply ingrained in our society. It’s in our laws, our religion, our commerce.
Think about all the ways, even the ways you believe to be harmless or helpful or barely there, that you feel you’re allowed, entitled, or even expected to take personal sovereignty from a woman. <3
I love you so much your blog kills me, we would be hella great friends tbh. I hope you keep doing what you're doing for a long time cause I laugh so hard (instert dramatic music) I kinda forget my problems for a while. Just bless you all around. 💕🔥
“See, this is the problem. You all think that [love] is tricking people. It’s not. It’s just your job. So can you please go do it? And all the time that we’ve talked about tricking each other into [expressing our love], we could have been making a thousand [Valentines].”
Because the Gang all love each other, profoundly, but of course they can’t just say that. When you’re at your worst, you trick someone into showing their love. By threatening or demanding from them. By baiting them into showing more love than you showed, because then you win. By doing something for them based on what you think they want, rather than just asking about it. By controlling them and frightening them to hide what you really want from them. By trying to figure out their hidden meaning, instead of the words they’re actually saying.
People treat relationships like a game they play with each other, when it’s not a trick any more than a business that serves alcohol is a ‘booze for money’ scam. Showing love is our job as people. Go do your jobs.
(And because I am super not a believer in TMDC, but I am MacDennis trash forever - as much as he’s completely off-base 99% of the time, this time Mac is the only one actually in touch with his emotions. Someone who correctly knew Dennis wanted a gift, and what gift he wanted, and got it for him. Even though NONE of them had gotten each other Valentine’s presents for what sounds like YEARS.)
So I think we can all agree that the ship names you can make out of Sloane and Hurley are frankly atrocious - Hune? Sloarley? No, those will never do. So obviously the next course of action is to name them by their Battlewagon aliases, the Ram and the Raven, right? Hmm… we need something quick, something crafty, something zesty… you know what I’m getting at, right? Say it with me y’all: Ramen.
I had to hurt you to protect us. What a paradox. So painfully tragic that we have come to such twisted delusion—that we who came together because we are givers and lovers and caretakers now only hurt each other. You through your actions, me through my words, constantly chipping away at each others’ strength, morality, person. But we forgive so easily—another reason we came together seamlessly—and oh, do we forgive each other. You could kick me until I was bleeding and then offer your hand to help me up and I would take it. I know you would do the same, because you already have. And when we forgive, we fall back into affectionate patterns. Patterns we can no longer sustain, patterns that have not adjusted to our mishaps and mistreatments. Danger knocks here, where we manage to forget our aches and lapse back into each other, only to begin again when one of us lashes back at the other. The last lash was mine; it rendered you speechless and me too afraid to apologize. It’s better here. I can’t ask you to forgive me, and you can’t give in. If we don’t speak, you can’t let me grow close to you again before you break a promise you didn’t know I was still holding you accountable for. I had to hurt you to protect us from loving and losing again. I’m so sorry.
Girl, thank you so much for your hard work on researching all of this stuff. You're a fucking genius! Too bad we can't do much more than support the girls. Those fuckers only care about money and I only want my girls to be healthy and loved. Because recently I've realised that they can only be successful if they agree to this shit show and that makes me feel bad about them :(
thanks dude. Yeh I know - I kind of want to expose this stuff to the fandom because we have a different relationship to the girls than the general public have. I think it’s important for us to know that not all the negativity is real. But at the same time, I know that all this bullshit is necessary to keep 5H and C afloat. The girls probably know they have to do all this publicity stuff if they want to carry on making music for a living. it’s a competitive environment so you gotta do what you gotta do.
honestly electronics are only the tip of the iceburg of my beef with the theoretical power of freezing time
like there are so many unanswered questions about how it would even work, and you’d have to figure out a set theoretical way that it would work before you could determine the effects
like it could FUCK you up. things might not move around you, which means that like the way you interact with EVERYTHING would fuck up? every move you make would be impossibly fast to the world around you? how would force work? how would movement work? how would work work? energy? all units of time
like theoretically time would only work for you, but since time is a concept of existence??? and is a way we measure things moving around us? then time wouldn’t exist, so how would anything related to time exist when it was frozen, and how would you do anything? and how would you measure how long you were doing something for if you were able to interact with things?
anyway what’s important to me is that I would be able to sleep in frozen time
Don’t get me wrong I love most of these tropes and am guilty of writing quite a few of them! And I’m defo not saying doing this in your stories makes you bad/less of a writer cos we can all agree that shit is hard.