you will be missed and remembered

Hour 1
I miss you. I’ve just woken up. But, you aren’t here.

Hour 2
I made us coffee. I take mine the way you do yours. Or, used to. I think.

Hour 3
It’s strange – I need to breathe and I’m having a cigarette. I panic when I remember that you aren’t with me. I know this. But, I try not to think about it.

Hour 4
I am watching the smoke. I wish I could exhale you like the smoke from my cigarette.

Hour 5
I want to cry. I don’t like telling people why you left. But, they ask. It makes me feel more flawed and empty than I am, or want to be.

Hour 6
I never smoked inside, but I can still smell the incense you used around the house. It continues to haunt me. I light every cigarette inside with the hope of not having the incense linger.

Hour 7
There’s no one to ask if I’m stressed. I take a drag, slowly. If you were here and you asked, I would say it’s you. But, you aren’t.

Hour 8
The past won’t go up in smoke. I try. I have tried, but I keep failing. Staring at the smoke.

Hour 9
Sometimes you just need someone by your side. And you trust them when they tell you that they love you. I trusted you. It meant something. And now, it’s all gone up in smoke.

Hour 10
I couldn’t finish the cigarette at first. But, I couldn’t leave things incomplete. I lit it again. It tastes like the concrete on which I put it out. Perhaps, that’s what we would be like – soulless.

Hour 11
Things come though at the eleventh hour. But, not here. Not today. All I do is wait.

Hour 12
There is no darkness, I tell myself. I fear myself now. Not the known past or the unknown future. But, I’m just lying to myself. I exhale.

Hour 13
What I do know is that even in the company of others, I feel lonely. It is then that I ask again.
I ask, for loneliness to be my friend. But, that’s not what I want. I want you here.

Hour 14
My lips sealed off from the truth. My words, my lies, my reality. I exhale, but I cannot escape.

Hour 15
The distractions, still there. The blank stares continue. Love is only a word now. I see it in other people. I hear it in others words.

Hour 16
Three a.m. again. The effects have worn off. One hour is nothing. I can feel the silence. Interrupted, by my own thoughts. I exhale.

Hour 17
You continue to evade me. I cannot help but be consumed in this madness. In your madness.

Hour 18
Can a mirror ever lie? Would it? The smoke absorbed by the mirror. Fading before my eyes. Sometimes, it’s that simple isn’t it? Just watching something disappear before your own eyes.

Hour 19
A prisoner in my own body. This need – unexplainable. Fuck, even I cannot comprehend where we broke into countless fragments.

Hour 20
I dream of the days when we did things together. Now, I just wish to be able to hear from you.  All I hold on to now are memories. Even they seem to be slipping away.

Hour 21
Too afraid to speak in this darkness. I don’t want to hear emptiness or my own voice echoing. I want to hear you whispering in my ears.

Hour 22
I exhale. Slowly. Wishing for the fire that was once us to not be extinguished. But, it was over. It was over well before the day you walked out. It was over well before I sat in silence.

Hour 23
If I knew…If I knew where it went wrong would it be different today? The cigarette twirling in my hand, waiting to be lit, knowing that it will be stubbed out.

Hour 24
Another day, another cigarette. I take you in with every breath. Only to exhale again.

—  Navin E. (24 cigarettes in 24 hours)

anonymous asked:

Hi Nat! I'm currently fanficing and I can't find anywhere the location of where the Stark family home is/was? Has it ever been mentioned where Tony was raised? Was it implied to be Malibu? I always assumed Tony built the Malibu house himself. If it hasn't been mentioned where would be your instinct to set it? Seeing as you know his character best. I'm deferring to your judgement. Thank you!

i don’t think it was ever mentioned in the mcu tbh? or if it was, it might have been hinted at during one of the agent carter seasons or something, i wouldn’t know because i zoned out so b a d during the parts that had anything to do with howard. if i remember this right the starks do have a new york residence that appeared on the show. anyway according to the official SHIELD file (which i take with a grain of salt because ah yeah marvel and general consistency…. lol the file is missing the one non-english language tony actually spoke on screen also the eternal 1970 birth year vs 1991 stark death year Problem… mmmmm anyway) (hello click moi) the birth place is listed as manhattan

me, personally, specifically, an Intellectual, nowadays when i rp my personal mcu/616 mix tony,

  • born in new york (personally i go with long island because i am a 616 Tony Stark Whore)
  • again, as a 616 Tony Stark Whore and most importantly as someone who obsessively projects my personal experiences on this character i choose to believe he moved around a lot while growing up (and by “growing up” i mean ages 0 to 7 because lol howard low key booted him out after that lmao anyway). some of my fav 616 iron man stories (vol. 3) took place in seattle and miami so i tell myself that baby tony spent some time on each of those places. the Main Home was in new york though (aka the house he’d come back to during school breaks or whatever) but his parents weren’t necessarily there
  • when he was seven, he technically relocated full-time to andover, MA because that’s where “phillips academy” is (aka the Boarding School, listed on the file linked above)
  • cambridge, MA during his MIT years, obviously
  • the way my personal timeline works out, tony finishes his comicbook-genius-grade levels of UNREALISTICALLY AND UNCANNILY FAST bachelor’s+doctorates combo when he’s 19
  • then he heads off to london (the “Abroad” mentioned by maria on cap 3) to get his MBA from the london business school aka one of the most prestigious in the world 
  • december of that year, his parents die
  • tony moves to california out of sheer force of a) grief-stricken desperation (since california is like literally as physically distant as you can get from new york within US borders) and b) unadulterated futurism because tbh tony’d been telling people since f o r e v e r that the silicon valley was going to become off-the-charts important very soon so that was a good place for the HQ of stark industries to be set
  • the starks already had a los angeles residence but yes. yes. the malibu mansion was a Tony Stark Acquisition (like oh my god the things…. the THINGS AND THOUGHTS that the IM1 production crew put into the design of that mansion tbh… i have the Art of IM1 book… listen…. LISTEN…. send me a reminder so i can share some Important Facts with the world later when i’m less busy/lazy i’m just gonna say…. the house was designed… as a Character Statement i’m dying this is exactly why IM1 is the True iron man movie) 
  • anyway, over the years, tony clearly gravitates between new york and california
  • ask me about my feelings re: tony’s New Yorker ™ bitterness and nostalgia while he’s in los angeles. and then also ask me about tony’s Californian ™ longing while he’s in new york. ask me about tony stark + found homes + the feeling of being eternally Misplaced (and i will one more time call this me being a 616 Tony Stark Whore [616 tony stark, aka mister Tragic Nostalgia] AND a creatively bankrupt piece of shit that projects her personal conflicts onto tony stark)
where in the world is miss quinzella’s?

well, here’s where it could be. maybe. going by evidence of plant species and mention of the ocean, I narrowed down the possible location of our dear Lumberjanes camp. Or I’m completely wrong and it’s magic or whatever and it’s actually in like, antarctica.

breakdown of how I chose these areas under the cut because it’s kinda long

Keep reading

bambama1  asked:

🌷and 📖 !!!

🌷 - Favorite Blogs: Well, i mean you are one of my favs tbh  ❤️
   I actually answered this a few days ago and i felt bad because i realized i missed like everyone i loved. 
Anyway let’s go: @holyfuckmark , @imjaebumaf, @the-princejinyoung, @jjjaebum, @markificent , @amerithotkongs, @gotchicken, @sidepartmark, @2jaekisses, @cutepimook, @justwhatevermark (bestie mvp), @nochuie , @husbandsjjp , @imarkson , ok im literally going to end up writing everyone i follow i have to stop just know that I love all 113 of you guys that I follow 😘

📖 - Tell a Story:
So remember when Mark was on weekly idol and couldnt pronounce “World Wide Act” with a Korean pronounciation (and cutely hid behind yugyeom). A similar (not as cute) situation happened to me. 
I was in Japan, at this cool zoo. There was this area where there were a LOT of lemurs. Then a staff member came out and had a mic and was talking about the lemurs and saying little fun facts. There were a lot of kids there too so she was asking questions like “What do you think these lemurs eat?” etc to kind of quiz the children. Then she asked “Where do these lemurs originate from?” The answer is Madagascar but none of these kids knew and they kept answering with the wrong answers. (I only knew the answer because of the movie Madagascar.) Anyway, she kept giving hints and the kids kept getting it wrong and it was getting kind of awkward so I was like f*ck it I’ll answer. HAHA BUT when i raised my hand and tried to answer “Madagascar” with Japanese pronounciation, I just COULDNT. I was like “Mah-dah… Mah-Dah-Gah-Su….” and everyone was staring at me and i finally just said “Madagascar” in the most american way and i wanted to die.

Thank you for asking!!! Sorry my story was long~

Send me an emoji :)

anonymous asked:

omg can I have a kuroo angst where kuroo is still "in love" with his ex and he misses his and readers anniversary, cuz he was with his ex. and reader like storms out but gets in an accident and either dies or gets amnesia and she doesn't remember him (AND HE MAKES HER FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM AGAIN LOLOL) thanks a bunch :3

Kuroo Tetsurou

“I am so, so sorry.”

“This is the last time, I promise.”

“What are you talking about? I’m with you, aren’t I? They don’t mean anything to me anymore. Don’t be silly.”

Then why did his voice always break? Why couldn’t he look you in the eyes when his ex was brought up? Why did he always seem so… Falsely sincere when he said the words?

The idea that you were simply his rebound had entered your mind more times than you would care to admit, and every time the thought crossed your mind you felt a little more sick to your stomach.

You knew. There was always a part of you that knew. How could you not? You loved him. Kuroo wasn’t a bad guy. He wasn’t thoughtless, he wasn’t mean, he wasn’t oblivious- But he was still just a young man with hormones running through his veins.

The fact that he and his ex had broken up on good terms hurt you even more. It meant that they didn’t hate each other, that they still liked each other, that there was still a chance for them.

It was obvious that Kuroo did care about you: When you were sick he was by your side constantly, taking care of you and making you laugh. When you were sad he was there, making jokes to cheer you up and watching your favorite shows or movies to make you happy again. Those moment made it even worse, because during those times you fell more in love with him, more blind to the fact that he loved someone else. Those were the times you didn’t feel empty, so when the emptiness did come, it was even more noticeable.

How cruel of you.

You sat at the table, trying your hardest not to look heartbroken. You scrolled through various social media apps, played various games, and watched as the time passed minute by minutes.

He didn’t show up.

You couldn’t believe it. He stood you up? On your anniversary? This was a new low. He’d missed dates before, but had always managed to show up to important events. And this, this was pretty damn important if you were being honest.

It was a celebration of being together, of loving each other, of being partner. And he didn’t show up to honor the commitment you two had placed down when the confession was accepted.

How cruel of you.

Having eaten nothing you stood and left. You didn’t feel hungry, anyways. What was the point of celebrating if it was just you?

You didn’t text him. You didn’t call him. You just went to your home and sat down on the couch, numbing your mind with the internet and useless TV shows. The rooms were dark around you, helping you to feel isolated.

How many times had you talked to him about his ex? How many times had you told him that it made you insecure and uncomfortable with him to be spending a good portion of his time with them? Too many?

And, how many times had he brought them up in conversation, a glossy look in his eyes as he spoke their name? Too many.

How cruel of you.

You wondered if he would remember. If he would go to the location you’d both agreed on, only to see you not there. You wondered if he would show up at your door, asking for your forgiveness and giving an empty promise with a hopeful smile on his face.

You stayed up into the early hours of the morning. He didn’t show up. He didn’t even text or call you. There was no sign that he’d remembered.

You fell asleep on the couch, hugging your phone to your chest.


You awoke to the sound of knocking at your door. Sitting up, you saw that you had one missed call from Kuroo and then nothing else. Not even a voicemail. Oh well. At least he remembered that you existed.

Getting up slowly, you made your way to the door, your mind clear with the knowledge of who waited outside. Your body felt groggy and it was probably clear that you’d just woken up, but you were completely awake and lucid.

Opening the door, your eyes landed on your boyfriend. He stood before you, a sheepish grin on his face and his eyes immediately darting to the floor. You couldn’t miss the large bouquet of red roses he gripped in one hand. How cliche of him.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty.” His voice was smooth. “Hey, sorry about yesterday- I can’t believe I forgot!” His laugh was as sheepish as the look on his face. “I was hoping we could pretend it was today instead?”

You said nothing, looking at the flowers in his hand.

“How are they doing?” You asked. His eyes widened in surprise. “Are they good? I do hope they haven’t gotten sick. That would be a damn shame.” You somehow managed to keep your voice monotone. “Please, give them my regards when you see them later.”

“Hey, what are you talking about? Did you catch a fever?” He reached out to feel your forehead but you dodged his hand.

“No.” You looked at the flowers again. “You should go.”

“…Huh?” His voice was clearly worried.

“You should go. Go hang out with your ex.”

“Are you mad at me?” Your eyes answered that question. “Well, I guess I deserve that-”

“No kidding.” Your voice was hollow. “Leave, Kuroo.”

His facial expression was one of complete shock.

“What? Come on, it was just an anniversary, we can celebrate it today with an extra day added on!” He pleaded.

“Sorry.” And then you closed the door in his face.

How cruel of you.

,,,,sorry I made Kuroo a bit of an oblivious ass in this?? I hope you don’t mind I took some liberties with this and didn’t kill off the s/o or give them amnesia. I felt like it would be more angsty if it was just… Plain. Boring. One person breaking up with another. I find that more heart-wrenching for some reason, sorry! Hope you still enjoyed!

You See .....

I shuffle down the street, a man of eighty years
I was once young but youth now distant
I wish I could remember youth
But I just remember piles of bodies
Death all around, naked skeletal bodies
The smell of gas chambers
You say
“Stupid old man get out of my way!”

I sit on the floor of a doorway, on blanket in the rain
I look at my life’s possessions in that bin liner
I think about the house I had, the glorious 9-5
I think about my wife. I miss my kids.
I still feel the pain of being laid off
The house repossession.
My depression
You say
“Lazy dropout get a job!”

I walk the street pushing my pram. I adore my baby.
I think about how I was going to college,
I was going to get a degree. Be a teacher.
I think about how I wanted kids. I wanted the ideal family.
I think about my school sweetheart,
I think how he meant the world to me.
About how we waited. Just the one time.
I was only 17.
I think how he said it was safe.
I miss him
You say
“Have you never heard of contraception?!”

And so I could go on ……………..

What you see
Is not necessarily
How it is

I Miss Flame Wars

In case you don’t know the term a “flame war” is a kind of really hostile debate where the parties call each other’s mom names and suggest that they perform anatomically impossible acts upon themselves. Think the YouTube comment section. Now, I was first introduced to flame wars back in the 80s on BBSs over a 2400 baud modem. If you remember those days and are a guy you probably had a feathered haircut, owned a “Members Only” jacket and popped the collar on your Polo shirt.

I digress. A flame war could be on any subject. Seriously. I could be as mundane a discussion over the merits of a particular dog breed. Then the tension would gradually ratchet up until the gloves were taken off and anything goes. Now, in those early days of the BBS and later Usenet if you just started ranting and raving you would be brushed off as a 12-year-old on the computer after his bedtime. No, in the glory days you had to have STYLE. You needed to be condescending, dismissive and sarcastic. You also had to actually debate the issue and tell your opponent to “read a book” and “get out of your mother’s basement”.

I actually enjoyed this as juvenile as it was. It was fun. It was like PvP in real life. Most of the guys, and it was always guys in those days, were pretty smart. In those days not every 10-year-old had a computer. Before the web, you had to have a little sophistication to use the computer unless you wanted to be stuck in AOL land. Anyway, it was all in good fun at least most of the time. 

I have occasionally gone incognito and gotten into it with the guys over at Reddit. I’d take a really unpopular position and see what I could stir up. You know to go into an evolution thread and post something like “there are no transitional fossils so evolution is false” or “evolution is only a theory”. I also used to get into it with the atheists not because I have anything against atheism but because they were notoriously thin-skinned and spoiling for a fight.

Childish. Fun, but definitely childish.

im trying not to miss you, but the pain is a dull ache behind my ears. everything i hold to my heart is wilting with the night. i tell myself chocolate milk will stop reminding me of you when i learn to love a new flavor. im stuck just bellow the surface of the community pool, and i can hear the sun pouring into my eyes. i still taste late night laughter and under-cooked spaghetti in the back of my throat. you always looked better with a smile on your face. im trying to remember that when you look at me with nothing but frowns. i can hear you singing sometimes. its a familiar tune that, even now, i still cant make out the words. 

anonymous asked:

Any more music recs or song you have been listening to recently?

I can’t remember what I have rec’d before, but here are 10 songs that I have been listening to (i listen to a lot of remixes):

  1. BVRNOUT X KROMA X TRAPNATION - Follow Your Heart (ft.Cadence Ludden)
  2. Rise Up (MSTR ROGERS Remix)
  3. Paris Blohm - Let Me Go (feat. KARRA)
  4. R3HAB ft. VERITE - Trouble (it’s different Remix)   
  5. Sander Kleinenberg ft. Dyson - Feel Like Home (Embody Remix)
  6. WHTKD - Not Missing U    
  7. Mario - Let Me Love You (DubRocca Remix)
  8. John Legend - Love Me Now (Dave Audé Remix)
  9. Stanaj - Romantic (NOTD Remix)
  10. ZAYN - sHe (LTGTR & Adam Barry Remix)

bewarefangirl  asked:

You know what I think about a lot? How Conner knew that Evan was named Evan in the computer lab. Maybe I missed something but I don't remember him saying his name before Connor came up to him and just the fact that Connor knew who Evan was kinda sorta makes me feel giddy on the inside

Wow you know what I never even realized Connor just knew his name. In fact both Murphy siblings knew Evan’s name without Evan telling them at all.

Do they have him in a class? Is it because Jared talks so loud and they happen to pick it up?

Its kinda bittersweet because here Evan thinks no one will ever notice him but yet there are two people who in some way or another do notice him.

I talked to this greek guy on the train back from the patd show and he looked like Ryan Ross and he was trying to remember who patd was so I sang I write sins at midnight on the train for Greek Ryan Ross and it was a good time

I tried.

Friendships are hard, particularly when you move away. But when you go out your way to meet someone, even for coffee, to repair some frays and they can’t meet with you there has to be selfcare. It’s time for me to accept it’s gone. That person will no longer be part of my life anymore. They have made it clear. I will remember that friendship for it’s good times, I will look back fondly but I will work towards not feeling upset about it. Not feeling hurt or missing it deeply. It’s time for self care. It is time for me.