you turn my software into hardware

Pick Up Lines (Spideypool Quick Fic)

So this… this got ridiculous lol
For my anon prompt: is that a phone in your back pocket because your ass is calling me

Peter is Andrew Garfield/ Wade is Ryan Reynolds
********************

“Hey did it hurt?”

“Huh?” Peter looked up from brushing the dirt off his suit to see Deadpool peering down at him from the fire escape in the dirty alley.

“Oh. Hey Wade. Did what hurt? Oh the–” he motioned to his dirty suit. “Just took a tumble through a construction yard chasing someone. No biggie.”

“No, I meant did it hurt when you fell from Heaven.” Wade corrected, leering at Spider-Man from behind his mask.

“Good grief.” Peter muttered and turned away. “Don’t you have anything better to do than spy on me and drop terrible pick up lines?”

Well.” Wade dropped onto the ground next to him. “I’d definitely have something better to do if you’d go out with me.”

“I told you no dates.” Peter said firmly. “My identity is very inportant to me, and you need to respect that. Besides–” and now he was grateful his mask covered his blush. “–besides you just like me because I’m covered in spandex.”

“I resent that!” Wade sounded horrified. “While I will admit to staring for hours at your…at your….” his head tilted to the side exaggeratedly, dropping to stare at Peter’s ass. “Sorry, what was I saying?”

“You were agreeing that we’d never date.” Peter said firmly, and shot a web towards the sky, shooting up and out of the alley before Deadpool could say anything else.

“Damn.” He chuckled and scratched at his head. “Spidey playing hard to get.”
*****************
Wade landed with a thump on the roof next to Peter and tossed him a chimi.

“Thank god.” Peter mumbled and shoved his mask up to just above his nose so he could eat. “Thank you so much.”

“No worries.” Wade lifted his own mask to take a bite of his food, and Peter made sure not to look. He didn’t ever look, knowing that if Wade thought for one second that he was staring, the mask would come down and this relaxed moment between them would end.

They were happening more and more– post patrol, both of them starving after a night of fighting crime. Wade usually disappeared for a few minutes and reappeared with food and they would sit and eat together before going their separate ways.

It was nice, for all of Wade’s bluster and bullshit, he actually enjoyed the early morning quiet like this. Both fully in their suits, both still coming down from the high of fighting… just hanging out watching the sun rise.

It was… nice.

And Peter wasn’t going to do anything to spoil it.

“Got you a name tag.” Wade said casually inbetween bites of food.

“What now?” Peter asked, confused.

“Got you a name tag.” Wade reached into the bag next to him and threw a giant handful of white packets in Peter’s face.

“What the–damn it Wade!” Peter pushed them off his legs. “Why are you throwing sugar at—”

Wade started laughing.

“Are you kidding me?” Peter finally asked and Wade laughed harder. “Are you kidding me with this?”

“Aw, come on sugar!” Wade made kissy faces at him and Peter just rolled his eyes.
**********************

Keep reading

no chemistry²

A/N I combined two requests and gave u more sassy peter, this is more of a fluffy joke imagine than anything 

Warnings: none, sexual innuendos?

Req by anonCan you do a part 2 to no chemistry because oh my lord sassy protective peter is what I need in my life and  heyyo friendo! could I have an peter x reader imagine where reader is very very naive to anything at all sexual and some guy keeps making innuendos and she doesn’t understand what he is saying at all and peter has to explain it to her? Thanks love!

PART 1 (not really needed to read this)

Originally posted by danks-gif

Your foot tapped happily next to your new lab partner, someone who actually cared about where they put their hands. The two of you were actually getting along well, and the teacher had no real problem switching seats around. When you told him about your sloppy scenario, he claimed ‘that jackass annoyed him too.’

Keep reading

The Joker x Reader - “The Bucket List” part 3

Two months after breaking up with The Joker, you found out the bad news. You didn’t have a choice but to ask for his help and J didn’t even show up for the meeting. Of course he didn’t care, but now that he heard why you wanted to see him so badly, it might be too late for any amendments.

Part 1: http://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/161143650396/the-joker-x-reader-the-bucket-list

Part 2: http://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/161379886591/the-joker-x-reader-the-bucket-list-part-2

J is sleeping with his head against your chest, completely out of it. He likes to do this lately since a lot of times he can’t really tell if you’re still breathing or not. Even if your blood pressure gets really low, he can at least hear your heartbeat and knows you’re alive.

Suddenly, he yanks at your waist so hard it wakes you up and you start coughing in a frenzy, startled.

“What’s wrong, baby?” you ask, trying to calm down and J gasps for air, opening his eyes to look at you.

“I dreamed that you died,” he snuggles to your body even more, panting.

“It was a nightmare; I’m here,” you kiss his forehead and manage to stop coughing. You peek at the clock: only 6am. “We should sleep in, it’s very early.”

The Joker just growls and rubs his eyes, uneasy for a few more moments.

“I’m gonna miss you…” you whisper in his ear.

“I’m not going anywhere, Pumpkin,” he yawns, exhausted.

But  I am…” you sadly smile and he frowns, watching you attempt to get comfortable in his arms.

“NO!” J utters, covering your mouth. “You’re staying with me, OK?”

You don’t reply and he lets go. You feel the need to get it all out before it’s too late:

“I really wanted a baby…with your eyes and my hair. Remember how pretty my hair used to be?”

He doesn’t know what to say and you continue:

“I know you wanted a boy, I’m sorry I can’t have children in the state I’m in…” and you take a deep breath, struggling not to cry.

“Don’t worry about it, Princess, I don’t care,” he grumbles and you peck his lips, getting more and more upset:
“I don’t want to die…” you finally bring it up for the first time ever and bite on your tongue really hard so you won’t start sobbing.

“Jesus, kid, I won’t let you die, OK?!” J strives to comfort you and squeezes you in his arms harder.

“Do you think I’ll make it to my 37th birthday?” you whimper, worried about the gloomy future.

“For God’s sake, of course you will! And then you’ll make it to another one, and another one, and another one… I promise!” he lifts your chin up so you can look at him.

“Really?” you gulp, staring in his blue eyes.

“Yes, I promise!” he insists and you bury your face in his neck, wanting to point out the truth:

“You’re such a shitty liar…” and you sniffle, quietly crying on his skin.

J would like to say more, but decides it’s better to change the subject since he feels flustered himself.

“Did you just wipe your nose on my shoulder?!”

“M-maybe…” you stammer, snorting.

“That’s just gross, Doll. I put up with a lot of stuff, but I have to draw a line here, alright?” he elbows you and you retreat to your pillow so you can see him better.

“You should let your hair grow,” you suggest, stroking his shaved head, actually wanting to talk about something else too.
“I don’t want to!” he huffs, tracing your jawline with his fingers.
“I miss your green hair, you know that?” you admit, playing with his diamond earring.

“Meh, I don’t,” he grumbles, stubborn as always.

“You think I should wear wigs?” you crinkle your nose, not excited at your own proposal.

“Nahhh, I like you bald, I got used to it. This way we match, hm?”

“That’s good,” you sigh, relieved,” because I don’t want to wear wigs. If it’s not my hair, I don’t want it.”

“Wise decision, Pumpkin. I mean, you look decent enough, especially with makeup on. I have high standards and I had to lower them for you. The sacrifices I make…I’m so selfless and altruistic, a true gentleman and an exemplary boyfriend.”

You watch him with your mouth open, intrigued. You don’t even notice you’re not crying anymore.

“What?!”

“You heard me, you naughty minx. You’re suuuuch a lucky woman,” he eagerly mentions. “Do you know how many girls are waiting in line to get a piece of this?” J scoffs with an attitude.

You turn around towards the glass sliding door, glaring outside at the deserted back yard, not even a bird this early in the morning.

“Wow, so many women willing to take on The Clown Prince of Crime,” you pretend to be surprised. “We do have a huge line on the patio. Which one do you want?”

He snickers and you giggle, finally amused.

“Shut up, Y/N,” he shifts you towards him again, locking his arms around your neck.“Let’s sleep in so zip it. Oh, and for the record: this was the worst pillow talk we ever had!”

You indifferently blink, liking the idea of having a lazy morning:

“It wasn’t that bad…What worries me though is all those women waiting to get you; we should give them numbers, I don’t want them to fight about who goes first,” you kiss him and he purrs, annoyed.

“I am a very wanted man!”

“Yeah, by the cops and Batsy…” you mutter and J smirks, victorious:

“Still counts!!”

“If you say so…”

After 10 minutes

“J…?”

“Hm?”

“After I die, can you please get a girlfriend that’s not as pretty as me?” you beg, anguished.

“Shush!” and he slaps your butt; The Joker absolutely hates it when you bring this up.

“At least you’ll be able to have children…” you ignore his warning, sensing another wave of hurtful feelings washing all over you.

“Cut it out, Y/N!”

“I…I hope your kids are ugly!!!!” you have an outburst while he rolls his eyes, irritated. But he knows you’re depressed and he knows the reason why: yesterday, your blood tests came back bad (again) and the weekly doctor visit didn’t go to too well either. All after you tried 3 new drugs that supposedly worked OK in the experimental phase but didn’t do anything for you and it’s discouraging.

****************

After waking up, you are both hanging out in the kitchen. You are looking at the breakfast food that Frost dropped off, not wanting to eat one single item; you’re already nauseated. A bunch of your favorites and it almost makes you gag. You study the lab results, sulking, wishing for once there was some kind of improvement.

“Eat something, Pumpkin,” J urges you, taking a bite out of a fresh bagel.

“I’m not hungry,” you sigh, reading without seeing anything but demoralizing news.

“You have to eat, that’s why you’re so skinny,” he gives you a cup of coffee and you take a sip to please him.

“I’m not skinny because I’m not eating and you know it…” you speak in a low voice, licking your lips. He decides not to reply. “J…?”

“Yes?”

“I didn’t mean it when I said I want your kids to be ugly…”

“Drop it, Kitten!” he pouts, moving some strawberries on a small plate.

“But…how can they be cute if I’m not their mom?…” you swallow your tears and take deep breaths, trying to cool down.

“I said drop it!” J barks and you gaze at the yummy goodies he put together for you, nibbling on a muffin, this way he won’t complain you’re not eating. He watches how much you struggle to pretend you’re alright after he cut you off and doesn’t like it.

“Did it hurt, Princess?” The Joker winks, getting your attention.

“Huh?”

“Did it hurt?”
“What baby?” you inquire, confused.

“When that portal from hell opened and you spawned through it right into my life,” he grins, very confident in his seduction technique.

Your eyes get big and you chuckle, then actually start laughing, entertained.

“You have the worst pickup lines, but I actually like this one! Do you have more?” you suggest he keeps going, placing your elbows on the counter and checking him out in those gray sweatpants that keep on sliding down every time he moves. J never bothers to tighten the string.

“Excuse you, Doll,” he huffs, “if my pickup lines are horrible, then why are you blushing?!”

“I’m not blushing, I have hot flashes from my pills,” you defend you rosy cheeks, flattered.

“Nonsense! You’re all worked up about it, don’t lie!”

You hop on the counter and crawl on his side, eager to touch your boyfriend. He drags you in front of him and you sit up there while holding his hands, curious to hear what’s next:

“Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?” he roars and you bounce your legs, excited.

“Hehehehe,” you giggle on his chest and he tries not to laugh.

“Is there a mirror in your pants, Doll? Cause I can see myself in them,” he pulls on your bottom lip and you bite his finger, feeling your cheeks getting warmer.

“It’s the hot flashes,” you try to defend yourself and he is not buying it.

“Don’t think so!” he tugs on your tank top, preparing his lethal weapon: “Princess, you turn my software into hardware.”

You snort so loud it echoes all over the place.

“Oh my God, this is terrible!” you shake your head, though fascinated at how bad it sounded.

“No, for reals, you do!” J hums in your ear and you look down at his crotch.

“A-ha, I can tell!”

“You’re such a perv, Pumpkin; my eyes are up here,” the cocky answer comes without hesitation. You kiss his Jester tattoo and walk your fingers down his abs, anxious to do something about this new spin on your morning. The anti-nausea meds you took are starting to work so might as well take advantage; who knows how many times you’ll be able to sleep with him before…

The Joker gets you out of your daze:

“Wow, Y/N, you seem so desperate to get me naked; don’t you have any pride left?!”

“Not really,” you brazenly admit and moan when you feel his hands all over you.

“You’re a good kisser, kid,” J parts from your lips and takes off your tank top, tossing it on the chair.

“For sure,” you approve, sliding back more so he can get on the counter too. He starts kissing his way down your waist and you scream.

“You’re starting early, I like it…Daddy’s  gonna make you…”

You scream louder:

“Spider!!!”

“Huh?!”

“Spider!!!!!” you point behind him and he turns his head to look: there is indeed a little creature crossing the wall on top of the sink. “Do something, baby, I hate spiders!!!” you shiver under him, getting goosebumps.

“For God’s sake, woman, I’m trying to have sex here!” he mutters, aggravated at the interruption.

“I hate spiders! Please kill it!!!!” you implore, digging your nails in his back.

“All the stuff you use to do before you got sick and you’re still afraid of spiders?!” J gets off the counter and you cling to him, stiff as a board:

“I detest these insects; so nasty, ewwww. Please kill it!” you beg once more, choking the life out of him. He grabs a tissue from the box, heading over to grant your wish while your legs are squeezing his waist with a strength he didn’t think you have left in you; both your arms are wrapped around his neck super tight - you definitely are tense and disgusted.

The Joker smooshes the culprit and now it’s resting in peace in the trashcan where it belongs.

“Happy now?” he grins, heading back towards the counter.

“Thank you, baby, I really can’t stand those beasts! You really are my knight in shining armor.”

“Told ya’!” he puffs, full of himself. “Any more crap I have to kill before we get down to business?”

“No, I think we’re good now,” your body finally relaxes when you are placed back on the countertop and he can finally breathe normal again.

“You still have a mean grip, you know that? You certainly have your skills Doll,” J praises you, actually surprised on how powerful your clasp was.

“Of course I still have them, just didn’t use them in forever. I’m not completely useless, OK?” you smack your lips and he is fast to push you on your back, smirking.

“Less talk and more action, Princess! The only word I wanna hear you scream is my name, understood?”

“Spider!!!!” you shout, teasing, and then surrender under his weight.

“Ha! Funny!” he growls, yearning to have you once more.

*******************

When the night comes, you can’t sleep at all. You keep on tossing and turning, somber thoughts flooding your mind. You decide to go in the backyard and walk it off because you don’t want to keep J up with your restlessness. He isn’t actually sleeping, just pretends and watches as you march out there in your sheer white nightgown, deep in meditation. Just like a ghost, he catches himself thinking and his heart aches but doesn’t want to pay attention to the feeling.

Your frail shape stops in the front of the roses you love so much and you drop in the grass, not feeling the chill, staring at everything without seeing. The Joker sneaks outside, aware you are probably freezing and drags you back in, while you silently follow his steps.

Once you’re in bed under the covers, he’s trying to get you warm and for the first time he’s not telling you to shut up when you speak up about things you really want to get off your chest. All your dying wishes, the most personal and intimate emotions meant only for his ears are whispered in a soft, low voice. You keep on going, relived you got such a heavy burden off your shoulders.

“I left you everything. After I die, all the funds from my estate will go into that account that belongs to the mysterious Jack Green we both know,” you caress his face and he grinds his teeth in denial.

“I don’t want your money…”

You disregard the words.

“It will come from Mrs. Emily Green, you know how much I always loved this identity. So when you see the wire transfer with that name, it will be from me. I already made the arrangements, I’m not changing my will; it’s signed. I can’t take the money with me, might as well give it to someone I care about. Keep this house and use it, yes? I really love it, nobody will bother you here, it’s a very good hideout. And try not to get yourself killed, ok? You’re so impulsive…”

“You’re more impulsive than me!” J sneers because for the first time in his life he’s at a lack of words.

“Used to be. I didn’t do anything crazy in so long it actually makes me the mellow one. Go figure!” you joke, not even sad for the moment being. It’s just so natural to let it all out.

“I really don’t want your money nor the house…I’m not gonna let you die, so there’s no need for any of this, Doll,” your boyfriend studies your reactions, intrigued.

“That’s nice… it almost sounds like you love me or something,” you tease, cozy on the fluffy pillows.

“I doubt it,” he furrows his invisible eyebrows, uneasy.

“Tell you what, baby: after I die, if you miss me so much it hurts it means that you loved me; if not, you should be fine,” the simple explanation is fast to follow and the abrupt reply makes you whimper:

“It already hurts…”

“Well,” you manage to stay strong and not burst into tears,” now that we both found out the answer to this crucial problem, I think we can rest, hm?”

“I’m so tired…” is the only thing he says before electing to inform you: “I have a meeting with him again tomorrow night.”

“NO!!!” you jump up, shaking J to show your disapproval. “NO!! Don’t go!! Stop meeting him! Stop going! It will be an ambush or something, you’ll get captured and locked away and I will die alone! …I-I can’t die alone!!!” you scream, alarmed.

“We are meeting on neutral ground, he won’t try anything. Never did before. And Princess, I’ve set forces in motion you can’t even imagine,” he tries to calm you down while you shake with anxiety. ”I know he might have something for you that I can’t get my hands on. This time, he’s the one that requested the meeting so I think he’s going to use that as leverage to negotiate some kind of terms about his precious Gotham and all the poor souls he has the audacity to believe he protects.”

“No, no way! He’s bluffing, he has nothing for me! Don’t go! Please! He just wants to catch you and take you away and I… just can’t die alone…” you nervously bite on your nails, hopelessly trying to make him change his mind.

“Kitten, you know I don’t leave anything to chance. I’m going and you can’t stop me!!”

“No, please don’t go!” you keep on imploring, scared for this new plan he seems very decided to carry on. “What if it’s a trap? I can’t afford to lose you, I can’t…I just can’t die alone…please?”

“There’s no trap, and even if it were, I’m prepared. Don’t worry, I got it all covered. When do I ever put myself in danger for no reason?”

“Like…all the time!” you gulp, scratching your arm in denial. “Don’t go…”

J signals you to place your head on his chest and you comply, being so worked up you’re wheezing; it’s so difficult to breathe and this doesn’t help.

“Don’t stress out, Pumpkin…I won’t let you die!” The Joker reinforces his declaration, wishing you would unwind and go back to sleep.

*****************

He’s been gone all morning and you have no idea where he went; no answer to your texts or calls, probably getting ready for tonight. You hear the sliding glass door and turn towards the patio, guessing it’s him. You take a few steps and freeze, confused: he walks inside holding a girl’s hand. She is very pretty, well dressed and seems nervous.

“Who is this?!” you narrow your eyes, baffled.

“This Doll, is my future girlfriend. After you die, she’ll take your place. Wanna look around, honey?” he winks at the girl and you resentfully gasp. “All this will be yours after Y/N is gone from the picture. Lovely home, you’ll enjoy it,” he gropes her and you crack your neck, walking towards them with a menacing demeanor.

“Get her out of my fucking house!!” you mutter through your clenched teeth, grinding your jaw so hard it’s painful.

She tries to escape J’s hold but he keeps her near:

“Don’t move!” he commands, pissed when she whines:

“Mister J, I don’t want to be here…Please let me go…”

You are getting closer.

“Get out or I’ll break your neck! I might be weak but I can still do it! GET OUT!!!” you shout at the woman and J tightens his grip on her.

“Don’t move!” he warns and as she struggles to escape. “My current girl here,” the Prince of Crime nods his head towards you,” has it ALL figured out for me: she plans to die and I’m supposed to get a new girlfriend, have kids and leave happily ever after. I’ll even inherit her fortune, which is substantial, I assure you,” he turns his icy glaze towards you and you almost can’t hear: your heart is beating so fast and loud it’s deafening.

“Get out or I swear I’m going to kill you!!!” your voice alerts in such a threatening way she finally uses all her strength to yank her hand away from his and backs out, taking advantage of the fact that you stopped in front of J as the perfect moment to escape the house.

“What the hell are you doing???” you yell at him on a verge of a nervous breakdown; this is the last thing that you need.

He smiles in such an eerie way and has the nerve to pretend it’s the most normal question when it comes out of his mouth:

“Are you jealous?”

“Wha’……????” you are taken aback, not understanding what’s going on. “What is the meaning of all this ??”

“ARE. YOU. JEALOUS?” J pronounces each word in a strange manner and you can tell he’s mad. And so are you.

“Yes, I’m jealous!” you blur out, wanting to slap him so badly. “What games are you playing??!! What’s wrong with you?!”

“You know why you’re jealous?” he continues, disregarding your justified tirade.

“???!!”

What’s going on? you think, completely out of it.

“Let me enlighten you, Princess,” he grumbles, annoyed. “You are jealous because you’re still alive, do you even understand what it means anymore? Stop making plans for me, stop talking about dying and give me a break! I’m sick of listening to all of it! You’re still here!” and him charging at you and kissing you passionately like he didn’t see you in years takes you by surprise. You respond to the kiss, unable to hear your own thoughts or react in any other way.

“Did you feel that?” he breaths on your lips and you moan a faint yes. “Great! It means that you’re alive!” he pushes you away, annoyed and heads over to exit the backyard, not before kicking a few bottles with your meds on the floor.

“Who’s that girl?” you raise your voice and he is already out, barely bothering to satisfy your curiosity:

“How the hell should I know?! Just a dancer at the club!”

You have no clue about what got into him, but you stood there petrified for a good 30 minutes.

*******************

11:30pm- neutral ground located behind the abandoned highway 205

“Finally! You’re 6 minutes late!” J jumps off the hood of his purple Lamborghini when he notices Batman emerging from the shadows. “Do you have it?” he stretches, pretending to be indifferent but in fact very alert.

“I do,” the distorted voice lets him know as his nemesis stops at a safe distance, only a few feet away.

“Does it work?” The Joker wants to know right away.

“It does. And I’m the only one that has access to it. Experiments showed amazing results, not certain if it will ever reach the medical market. If it does, it will be at least 5 more years,” Bruce Wayne explains as fast as he can.

“My girl doesn’t have 5 years!” he barks, straitening his back. “I assume you wanted to meet because you want to bargain? What do you want in exchange?”

His silver teeth glisten under the flickering neon light, the shaved head giving him even a more psychotic aura.

“Every month you stay put and don’t cause trouble, you get a month worth of the medication. Plain and simple,” Batman replies.

A vague cackle, then a louder laugher followed by full blown temperamental outpouring of lunacy:

“Awww, such a good deal!” The Joker claps his hands, faking his happiness. “But I have even a better proposal !” his blue eyes get big with anticipation. “I’ve been reeeeeally busy in the last 2 months; let’s say Gotham may or may not be under an imminent attack. Certain people may or may not have placed explosives all over the place: residential homes, bridges, schools, hospitals, anything you can think of. You will never be able to find all of them!! Something happens and I don’t get the med, it all goes to shit ! Would you prefer your precious city goes down in the same time or piece by piece?” he snickers with an evil grimace.

“Don’t push it !” Bruce Wayne snaps, tossing a vial containing your much needed remedy towards his adversary and J catches it mid air, placing it in his pocket.

“Don’t make me!!!” he growls, retreating back into his car and driving away into the night while The Batman debates if The King of Gotham is bluffing or not. Knowing him, probably not.

******************

“Go tell your mom she’s needed for important paperwork in the master bedroom after you fall asleep tonight, OK?” J urges his 4 year old son to go outside in the garden where you sit on a blanket under the tree, reading.

Kaden runs over, stumbling with anticipation, eager to give you the news:

“Moooommm!!!!” he screams up a storm and lands in your lap, excited: “Dad said you have paperwork tonight!”

You and The Joker love to use him as a messenger; he’s absolutely adorable and even if the poor kid doesn’t remember everything he’s supposed to say when he runs from one parent to the other, it’s still awesome and it makes your day.

“Go tell Daddy that’s fine,” you smile, kissing his cheek and he gets up, rushing inside to communicate the update:

“Daaaaddd!!!!!” he almost staggers and falls on the carpet, “Mommy said OK!!!”

“Goody!! Hey, com’ere!” J signals him and Kaden giggles, jumping up and down until he gets picked up and sat on the table. “Now go ask your mom if she wants another baby, don’t let me down, alright?” The Joker puckers his lips, winking at the little boy. He reaches for the nearby drawer, takes out a piece of paper and scribbles on it, then hands it over to his son. “Give her this too, ok? Us, guys, have to help each other, hm?”

“Yes, dad!” the little boy passes his fingers through his father’s green hair, enthusiastic he has such an important task. 

Once he is put back on the ground, Kaden races over to you:

“Daddy wanted to know if you want another baby,” he sniffles, covering his mouth with his small hands.

You roll your eyes and look down at your 4 month pregnant bump, mumbling:

“Soooo funny… Anyway, mommy’s too old so after your brother is born, that’s it.”

Your son snickers and pulls on your hair that now reaches down to your shoulders, making you pay attention to the paper he’s giving you.

“From daddy,” he explains and you take it, unfolding the note. You gasp when you realize it’s your old Bucket List, now having a “check mark” symbol by “- a family” wish. You take a deep breath, looking towards the house to see if J is in sight but you don’t notice him. You get teary and fold back the paper, hiding it between the pages of your book. The Joker is actually behind the curtain, sipping on his whiskey, savoring your reaction.

“Go tell daddy I already have 3 kids, so we’re good,” you whisper in Kaden’s ear and he darts inside, yelling:

“Daaaaad, she said she already has 3 kids!!!”

“What??!! 3 kids?!” he frowns, aggravated. “That’s rude! Tell her she’s rude!” The messenger runs for it.

“Daddy said you’re rude,” the little one pants, snorting when you start laughing.

“Whatever,” you make him sit down, struggling to keep him still in your lap so you can apply the purple hair mascara on a few strands of his hair. J goes crazy for it so you try to do it daily since it’s being washed at night. “Go show your dad how cute you are! And tell him he’s my favorite poison. Give me a kiss before you go!”

“Muahhh,” he pecks your lips and flees. After a few moments J shouts:

“Hey Doll, is that a pickup line?!”

“Yeesss!!!!” you yell back so he can hear you.

“That’s a good one!”

“I know!!!!!”

You read for 5 more minutes when they both come out: Kaden is holding a bottle of water and you know what it means: time to take your med.

“Here Princess,” The Joker opens the vial, giving you one tablet. “It’s that magical time of the day.”

You swallow the pill and he crawls on the blanket, resting his head on your tummy. Your son is playing around with his toys, preoccupied with a butterfly that landed on his bike.

“I thought the magical time of the day is going to be tonight when we have to fill out all that tedious paperwork in the master bedroom,” you elbow him and he purrs.

“Certainly; so much paperwork, that’s why I need your help,” he softly bites your wrist and you pinch his arm. “Hey, Y/N, besides being sexy and pregnant, what do you do for a living?” he turns on his side, facing you. “Wow, are you blushing?!”

“No way, hot flushes from my treatment,” the defensive answer comes.

“Lies, lies, lies,” J bickers, kissing the bump.

“You have the worse pickup lines,” you shake your head, teasing him.

“Got you pregnant twice, didn’t I ? So if you have a complaint, you should file one tonight with the rest of the paperwork,” the smug reply follows.

You stare at each other for a few seconds before smiling:

“Shut up, J,” you kick him with your knee and go back to reading while he closes his eyes, relaxing in the shadow.

Definitely her knight in shining armor, The Joker thinks before snoozing. No other losers in line for the job…which…makes me the loser, I suppose. Oh, well, could be worse, he reckons, snuggling by you even more.


Also read: MASTERLIST

http://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

anonymous asked:

Companions being asked what's the dumbest thing they've said while trying to flirt with someone? (Love your blog btw!)

Thanks lol

Companions answer what was the dumbest flirty thing they did/said (for a truth)


Cait: “I once said ‘You’re so hot, that I’m gonna need a stimpack!’”

Codsworth: “I don’t flirt, thank you very much!”

Curie: “Oh! I once grabbed a man’s pants, because I thought he was hiding a weapon…” She covers her face and blushes.

Danse: Sole interrupted him by saying: “I’m taking this one! He once told me that I have nice ‘Butt cheeks’”. Danse closed their mouth in embarrassment.

Deacon: “You like my new face? I’ll change it if you don’t!” He laughed at himself…

Dogmeat: He couldn’t reach a male chihuahuas butt…

Hancock: “I told a girl: ‘You’re like a drug. I want to do you 24/7’… she slapped me and left…”

Macready: “‘Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common!’ … remember that one… Sole?”

Nick: “Uhh… well, this is embarrassing… I once said ‘You turn my software into hardware’…go ahead, laugh…”

Piper: “I once flirted with someone through an interview… the whole diamond city read it…”

Preston: “I once tried to impress a girl by saying that I am ‘A minute man’”

Strong: “What is flirt?! Why humans use weird words all time?!”

X6-88: “Are you my meat? Because I want to beat you…” He really doesn’t understand flirting…

Maxson: “You turn my Brotherhood into Steel……” He was secretly proud of that!

[REVIEW] EVERYTHING YOU SHOULD KNOW BEFORE BUYING
CUBE I7 STYLUS

Cube i7 Stylus is a 10” Windows 10 tablet that I just bought for portable light sketching and painting purpose. It’s affordable with the price tag of $300. There are many things I like about this product while it has MANY, MAJOR FLAWS. Here I will report everything I discovered so far.

1) DISPLAY

  • IPS type panel with wide view angle. Standard-gamut with horrible color space coverage of 67% sRGB, 46% AdobeRGB. Cuts off around the far ends of green, blue, purple and red areas. Not so much for yellow and orange.
  • Very bright backlight. 400cd/m^2 at max. No flicker at low brightness level. 120 cd/m^2 is at about 30%.
  • White point 6600K, decent but still cooler than ideal.
  • Tone Response Curves look very good. Almost dead straight.
  • Average deltaE is merely 0.17. This is kinda amazing, it explains the straight TRC performance described above. Despite its small color space coverage, whatever it can display, it displays them super accurately. You don’t really need to calibrate it. As a result, it produces not rich, but very clean color, leaving me the impression of Microsoft Surface Pro 4, even though the SP4s have nearly perfect screens. You might want to be careful not to use extremely saturated color when drawing, because it cannot reflect those.
  • It’s glossy, super reflective!

2) PEN & TOUCH

  • Wacom Penabled display. The same technology of the old Cintiq line. Compatible with a zoo of weird pens!
  • Original stylus has 1 side switch. I use my Cintiq 18SX’s 2 switch stylus (THE BEST OF ALL. Model: UP911E-02DD, available on Amazon.).
  • Original stylus has 1024 level pressure sensitivity. My trusty 18SX stylus has 512, but you won’t tell the differences. They both worked well enough.
  • The display surface is a bit slippery. Use Wacom felt pen nibs to increase friction.
  • Fujitsu 10 point touchscreen. Works better after the removal of the included screen protector sheet (it has bubbles under it -_-). It doesn’t cooperate with Wacom’s stylus – no hard-wired palm rejection. Windows 10 can do this for you – search in Cortana for “Pen Settings”, check “Ignore touch input when I’m using my pen”. To turn it off completely, in Device Manager, disable “HID-compliant touch screen”.
  • GNU/Linux wise, under Ubuntu 16.04.1, 1 of 2 side switches of my 18SX stylus would not function. No dice with xsetwacom and xinput. When stylus and touch both activated at the same time system locks up for a while. I’ve reported this to linuxwacom project.

3) SPEED & STORAGE

  • It call itself i7, but it’s a dirty trick. It actually has Core m3-6Y30, 4GB RAM, HD Graphics 515. I feel no slowdown at all when drawing an A3 300dpi picture in Krita.
  • Foresee 64GB M.2 SSD. It reads like a rabbit and writes like a turtle. Boots up system in a flash, but when Windows 10 is undoing updating itself, you can feel that writing queue is lining up straight to Uranus.
  • Has a MicroSD card slot. Storage space is not an issue.

4) OTHER STUFF

  • 3 hours + under stress running time, at 30% brightness level (120cd/m^2). Lasts forever when browsing webpages. Gets red hot when you are both charging and running 3Dmarks9000 on it.
  • Power adapter not included in the official package list. At least not in China where its produced. Some 3rd party distributors includes one though. DC 12V 3.5x1.35mm jack. Good luck finding that! In China you must give them 5/5 and put up photos on the distributor’s online shop to get an adapter. I scavenged an adapter from a dead router and gave them 2/5. Bastards. (When I was writing this report, they phoned me about sending me one for free anyway.)
  • 1 USB Type-C connector. You may charge it through this connector, but your charger must have 5V2A standard USB power output to do that. QuickCharge(QC) devices and alike are not guaranteed to charge it unless their non-QC, conventional mode can output 2A. Also, it seems to charge only when you plug it in after the machine is booted into the system. If you connect its USB-C before turning it on, it might not boot. USB-C connect does not support startup disk.
  • No documents, no tech support, no drivers on website Not even on the Chinese version. They are serious about national equality here. No. Quickstart Guide does not count as a legit piece of document. The Recovery ISO is hosted on a 3rd party, Chinese equivalent of dropbox as a dodgy .rar file like a p0rn video. Very unprofessional. If you are going to install Windows anew, you’ll need to find your own drivers. (Search for: Intel Driver Update Utility / Wacom Feel Driver / Realtek High Definition Audio Driver)
  • The keyboard is detachable. In tablet mode it feels very light weight to be hold in one hand. Unlike Cintiq 13HD, this one I can use for a long time without having sore in my arms. The keyboard itself is very well made too. The whole frame is cut out from a piece of metal, probably steel. No squeaking sound. Super steady. Very heavy. Holds up the screen nicely. Definitely one of the best in this size.
  • Touch pad has major usability issues. Instead of using software to handle the gestures, it seems to embed the gesture recognition in the hardware and send out keyboard signals when it thinks your movement is a gesture. Very easy to misfire commands like minimize all windows, zoom, swipe and task view. There is no way you can turn it off. Just don’t let your fingers go near its edge.
  • The earphone jack packs a punch. The audio chip is the infamous Realtek ALC283. This crap has no right to drive my Etymotic ER4B loud (you monster!). But it did! At only 25% of the volume, too! Did they bother to put an amp chip in it? It sounds quite musical for a cheap tablet, too! I have to write about this. What a strange breed of product we got here. XD
  • Has 2 cameras, each on both sides. The sensors are OV2680 and OV5648, controlled by intel Imaging Signal Processor 2500. They are absolutely crap. You got nothing but noises. Probably not good enough to provide evidence of a crime scene. :P
  • Audio jack and power adapter jack look exactly the same. I often plug the power adapter connector into the audio jack. Although it doesn’t bring any danger because of the structure, it still makes me like an idiot.

Wow what a piece of crap! But at the end of the day, it’s better than nothing! XD”

Just joking. Despite all those problems, I still love this product. It’s very well built and doesn’t feel cheap at all. Nothing top-notch but all good enough for my target purpose - portable sketching. At the price of $300, I consider my money well spent.

But still, I DO NOT RECOMMEND IT FOR NON-TECH ARTISTS. You must know how to deal with its atrocities. Otherwise, YOU GONNA HAVE A BAD TIME, KID.

a lot of horrible great pickup lines that never always work!
(compiled with assistance from friends, the internet (especially these guys), and myself)

  • are you a cigarette because you got a hot butt
  • you turn my software into hardware
  • am i dead because you must be an angel
  • are you shampoo with moroccan oil because you’re giving me body
  • your dad must be a baker, because you got some nice buns
  • are you a mophie case because you’re giving me extra juice
  • help me! i’m lost! can you give me directions to our bedroom?
  • are you homosexual tendencies because i don’t want to tell anyone about you until i’m ready
  • what is that in your eye? oh yeah it’s a twinkle
  • i’m gonna need a library card because i’m checking you out
  • are you lady gaga because you make my (he)artpop
  • are you a pokemon because i wanna pikachu
  • are you an easter basket because i wanna hold your eggs
  • are you a fast food sandwich because you’d be a mcgorgeous
  • are you roadkill because i wanna take you home for dinner
  • are you caffeine because i can’t go a day without you
  • that outfit looks great on you but i think that i’d look better on you
  • are you from tennessee because you’re the only ten i see
  • are you gluten free because i want your glutes on me
  • are you big bang theory because my parents love you
  • are you earwax because i can’t get you out of my head
  • are you the movie chicago because i watch you a lot
  • are you a nun because you are nun like any other
  • you must be starbucks because i crave you five times a day
  • i lost my teddy bear! can i sleep with you?
  • if i was a superhero, i wouldn’t be batman, superman, or iron man, i’d be your man
  • did you feel this shirt? it’s boyfriend (girlfriend) material
  • my love for you is like diarrhea, it is out of control
  • are you a palm tree because i am coco-nuts about you
  • are you the new mariokart because i want you so bad
  • are you megan fox because you’re hot
  • are you a bunny because you hopped your way into my heart
  • if you were a fruit you’d be a fineapple
  • did you invent the airplane because you seem wright for me
  • do you have a band-aid because i just scraped my knee falling for you
  • are you an interior decorator because when I saw you the entire room became beautiful
  • are you religious because you’re the answer to all my prayers
  • did you sit in a pile of sugar because you have a pretty sweet ass
  • your body is 65% water and i’m thirsty
  • my doctor says i’m lacking vitamin u
  • can i follow you home because my parents always told me to follow my dreams
  • did we take a class together because i could’ve sworn we had chemistry
  • was your dad a boxer because you’re a knockout
  • you’re so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line
  • if i had a star for every time you brightened my day i’d have a galaxy in my hand
  • if being sexy was a crime you’d be guilty as charged
  • i was wondering if you had an extra heart because mine seems to have been stolen
  • if you were a vegetable you’d be a cu(te)cumber
  • if I were a cat I’d spend all nine lives with you
  • do you work at starbucks because i like you a latte
  • are you a banana because i find you appealing
  • did you read dr. seuss as a kid because green eggs and damn
  • is your dad a drug dealer because you’re so dope
  • me without you is like a nerd without braces, a shoe without laces, andasentencewithoutspaces
  • your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon
  • most people like to watch the olympics because they only happen once every 4 years but i’d rather talk to you cause the chance of meeting someone so special only happens once in a lifetime
  • i must be a snowflake because i’ve fallen for you
  • there’s something wrong with my cell phone; it doesn’t have your number in it
  • if you were words on a page, you’d be fine print
  • do you work at dick’s because you’re sporting the goods
  • you must be a hell of a thief because you stole my heart from across the room
  • i’d like to invite you over, but i’m afraid you’re so hot that you’ll skyrocket my air-conditioning bill
  • excuse me, but i think i dropped something, my jaw
  • if you were a booger i’d pick you first
  • if i were to ask you out on a date would your answer be the same as the answer to this question
  • if this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib
  • are you lost because heaven is a long way from here
  • are you a campfire because you are hot and i want s’more
  • you’re kinda, sorta, basically, pretty much always on my mind
  • put down that cupcake because you’re sweet enough already
  • you’re so fine you make me stutter wha-wha-what’s your name
  • when I first saw you I looked for a signature because every masterpiece has one
  • i like legos you like legos why don’t we build a relationship
  • i might not be sriracha sauce but i sure will spice up your life
  • are you jewish because you israeli hot
  • you may be asked to leave soon because you’re making all the other (wo)men look bad
  • are you chapstick because i wanna rub you all over my mouth
  • did you just fart because you just blew me away and the whole room smells really bad
  • LOVE ME

toootys  asked:

You turn my software into hardware (●´∀`●)

Turning software into hardware is currently completely impossible though I’d like to believe that eventually we will find a way to create a solid hologram that you can touch and that has form. At that stage, turning software into hardware may be possible in the aspect that you will be able to touch a program and feel it as if it were a real, solid, and therefore “hard” object…

Imagine taking care of Dean when he’s drunk. Only for him to say things he really shouldn’t. (Part 5)

I will add the tags later cause now I am in a hurry to go to extra classes!

(Wow this must be the longest by far and can’t say so much of an iimagine as a one shot but- READ IT I PROMISE IT’S WORTH IT!!!) 

Part 1 l Part 2 l Part 3 l Part 4

“Nothing it’s just- Hey (Y/n) wanna hear a last one?”

You sighed, rolling your eyes “I can’t avoid it no matter what so shoot”

He smiled at you, trying to get a little up by supporting himself on his elbows just so that he was the same eye level with you – his face you certainly noticed – was very close to yours “There is side view, rare view and oh what else? I loview”

That certainly made your eyes widen.

“De-Dean” you breathed out shakily “What are talking about?”

“What does it look like sweetheart?” he grinned up at you “The truth”

“No” you swallowed, shaking your head “No you don’t- you don’t know what you’re saying. It’s not- it’s not the truth.”

You pursed your lips and clenched your fists, trying to keep the tears in. Hearing the man you’ve loved for so many years say that he feels the same but him not being sober to say it more hurt you than made you smile. You felt your heart beat hard inside your chest but with each thud it felt like a stab to your chest. It hurt a lot, and damn were you doing a great job at keeping the tears in. You wanted to believe it, of course you did more than anything else, but you couldn’t let yourself get carried away. What were the chances of him saying the truth?

“You’re such a stubborn ass” Dean huffed, rolling his eyes. A small chuckle left his lips soon, though, and he added “Not that I would change it”

He sighed a little dreamily “Damn I wouldn’t change a thing about you. Not even how stupid you are right now. No, nothing… Except maybe for you last name. Yeah definitely that, if you know what I mean” he grinned up at you, winking and a laugh – along with a sob – left your lips.

You shook your head, laughing humorlessly and tiredly “You never stop, don’t ya?” you whispered, your voice a little hoarse.

“With you baby I would go on all day. And then if you’d let me I would come on all night too” he wiggled his eyebrows and a small chuckle left his lips.

“Yeah but I think I’ve had enough for one night, so you better get to sleep” you said softly, still not looking him in the eyes.

“I will, until you tell me you believe me” he got a little more serious now, looking up at you with almost puppy-like eyes. You would be lying if you said it didn’t make you melt on the inside. Damn him for what he made you feel.

“Believe what?” your voice was hoarse and you looked at him with glistening eyes, though you already knew the answer.

Yeah, well you were selfish for wanting to hear him say it once again even if it was a total lie.

“That I love you” he breathed out like it was the most simple thing. And that was totally unlike the Dean you knew.

He didn’t do love, you knew it, but there was that part of you that insisted that he could say this not only because he was drunk and thus more relaxed. But also because he had been feeling this for so long and had come to accept it, and now drunk he could say it out loud too.

“Dean you don't” your lower lip trembled as you looked back down at your hands “Stop saying it”

“No. No I won’t. Until you tell me you believe me. Because it is true. I do love you” he cupped your face, looking at you fully in the eyes “I mean- for now at least. Probably in ten years I will love another girl… She’ll call you mommy” he smiled widely and you almost choked on a sob. He couldn’t be doing this to you now.

“Yeah-” you cleared your throat, getting him to sleep as fast possible would mean you’d get to your own bed fast andthen- then maybe you could cry yourself to sleep “Now that we got that done why don’t we get you to sleep huh?”

“Fiiiine” he sighed, rolling his eyes “But you are going to sleep with me right?”

You chuckled – without any real emotion- “Sorry Dean, can’t do”

“Aw but I lost my teddy bear! Can’t I just use you?”

“Dean” you tried to fight off a small smile “You don’t have a teddy bear”

“And how would you know?” he crossed his arms over his chest, pouting slightly and you shook your head.

“Because I know. Now come on you idiot, I think we’ve both had enough for one night” you sighed trying to work on his belt, unless he wasn’t wiggling so much.

“Whoa whoa hey (Y/n) eager much sweetheart?” he grinned widely at you “But oh by all means- my body is yours!” he exclaimed, spreading his arms widely on the bed and you giggled as his tummy exposed. He could be like a little kid even when suggesting you had sex. That was Dean Winchester.

Well, truth was you weren’t very comfortable unbuckling his belt and about to remove his pants but you knew how uncomfortable it would be for him and truth was you did care about his well-being.

“Sorry Dean, not interested tonight”

“But why? Is there someone? Who do I have to beat up to win your heart?” he got all serious suddenly.

You sighed, rolling your eyes “Dean come on just stop for a second, and let me get this damn job done”

“Oh baby you know with you I’d never be able to stop. But fine- Fiiiiiine, I will. I just have one question”

“I know I will regret this” you sighed and he grinned slightly “Shoot”

“Where you ever a girl scout?” he asked a little seriously and you frowned at the weird question.

“Why are you-?” he cut you off before you could finish your sentence.

“Because you tie my heart in knots” he breathed out with a smile that made your heart flutter.

“Dean” you shook your head with a smile, a blush started to form.

“No, no no no” he shook his head with a small pout “You are a keyboard. Yes a keyboard”

You snickered “How so?”

“Because you are just my type” he grinned proud at himself and you let a small giggle that made him even more happy.

“But do you wanna know something else too?”

“What?” you stopped to look at him.

No matter how much it hurt a great part of you enjoyed this now very much.

“Can you guess what else I am wearing and you can’t take off no matter what?”

“Dean” you said cautiously and he rolled his eyes.

“You know you have a very dirty mind” he chuckled, shaking his head “Guilty. But not something like that” he leaned in closer to you again “It’s the smile you just gave me” he whispered and you ducked your head, your cheeks burning hot.

“Alright I think this is enough for a night, Dean” you tried to push him off but even for a drunk he still had his strength in control.

“But-” he licked his lower lip, looking – you could swear – for a second down at your own “-something’s wrong with my eyes”

“Why is that so?” your voice was low and hoarse.

“Because I can’t take them off you no matter how much I try” he looked up again with big bright green eyes that at that moment looked so honest and innocent.

“Don’t worry Dean. We’ll get you to the doc and you will be fine”

“Maybe the dentist too. You’re so sweet you’re giving me a toothache” he said with a small smile.

You couldn’t help a chuckle “Just when I thought you couldn’t get any cheesier. Come on Dean” you pushed him back and this time he did fall with a huff back on the bed.

“Time for sleep”

“What? Are we finally going to sleep together? Great because I really wanna cuddle you. It feels like ages since the last time and I am telling you it was not an accident that time on the motel”

“Wh-what?” you whispered, and he raised an eyebrow.

“What? Pff Come on!” he laughed drunkenly “Did you really think I had accidentally snuggled up to you when we shared a bed on that hunt? Like hell!”

“But you said-”

“And you believe me?! You know I have a reputation to keep up but like hell t was a coincidence” he scoffed, shaking his head.

You bit on your lower lip, looking down at your hands. You remember that morning of awkwardness all too well. Your cheeks were burning the entire morning after that even if your heart hurt a little after Dean telling you it was nothing.

“Whoa just wait a second there miss. No biting your lower lip in front of me, got it?” he pointed a finger at you.

“Why?”

“Because gorgeous you are a computer genius and don’t know it”

“What’s that supposed to me-”

“You turn my software into hardware in a matter of seconds and haven’t realized a single thing” he winked at you and your eyes widened.

“Dean!” you shrieked and he erupted into a feat of laughter, holding even his stomach as you huffed, running a hand through your hair.

“O-oh m-my there is my blushing beauty!” he couldn’t stop himself, as if he was high while he was just a little – ok a lot – drunk “You know if- if I knew you blush so easily I would do this all the time!”

You let out a loud sigh, huffing “Alright, that’s been enough for a night Winchester. I wanted to play it nice and help you but if you want it- then so be it.”

“Aw but I- I’m sorry. (Y/n) no wait don’t leave me, not you too” he whispered like a little child, taking hold of your hand “Please, stay” he added, looking up at you with pleading eyes.

“Dean you need to rest, I’m not going to leave you” you sighed.

“I will. If you stay here. I promise I won’t try anything… unless you want me to” he ended up grinning and wiggling his eyebrows at you.

You couldn’t help but giggle “Dean I’m not sure. You won’t remember a single thing of this in the morning and it will be more than awkward.”

“How can you be so sure? Who knows. Maybe we’ll finally get to do all those stupid romantic crap you like”

“Because ou just are not into those stuff, Dean. That’s not you” you shook your head.

“That’s because-” he took hold of your hand, dragging you down “You haven’t tried me yet. Hell, maybe I won’t remember a single thing in the morning yes but- if I don’t wake you up with tickles then you are free to not believe a single thing of the things I said tonight. I know myself, and I know what I feel. I won’t call myself Dean Winchester if I don’t wake you up with tickles. Say- Deal?”

You sighed, shaking your head “Alright-” he wasn’t letting you go for sure as it seemed “Deal- And no we are not going to kiss!” you exclaimed as fast as you could and he pouted visibly. His cheeks puffing out too.

“Aw but I was kinda hoping for it. You know you have not lended me that kiss I asked for. I told you I would give it back right away!… Anywhere you want at that!” he said with a bright smile and you shook your head.

“Goodnight Dean” you said firmly and he pouted more.

“Goodnight (Y/n)” he sighed, resting his head at the crook of your neck “But-” he whispered, his eyes still open.

“What?” you whispered back.

He let a soft sigh “It is not my fault you know” he said softly, his voice less rough than usual – but that was what happened when he was drunk, he was so much more innocent.

“What?” you asked again, smiling a little as well.

“That I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me” he said and your felt your heart lip to your throat.

“Then I guess we are both to blame” you whispered, mostly to yourself. You sighed, looking up at the ceiling. You swallowed the lump in your throat, shaking softly your head. You turned the light off and snuggled closer to Dean. Maybe just for tonight you could enjoy this and you could deal with the awkwardness and complete denial in the morning. You could deal with the heartache then.

For the moment you let the words Dean had previously drunkenly spilled lull you to sleep. A small smile resting on yourlips, mirroring that of Dean’s as he tighten his grip around you. You caught him muttering a few things to himself in his sleep – because yes he had already fallen asleep – but didn’t pay much attention to it. You wanted to savor not only his cuteness but also his peace and relaxation. He looked so innocent and happy that nothing else matter.

Not how much you were going to hurt then next morning you were going to hear him make a friendly joke about you two had ended up in this position.

~Next morning~

However, despite him saying so- nobody could have really prepared you for it. You wouldn’t have in a second believe that you would be woke up by…. tickles on your sides, chuckled coming from next to you, Dean’s chuckles, and hysterical laughing leaving your lips as he wouldn’t let you rest.

@jodyri @starswirlblitz @liger26 @yaya-snowflakes

Bangtan boys using pick up lines!!

Rap Monster:

 “Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?”

Suga:

“Do you mind if I walk you home? My mum always told me to follow my dreams.”

J-hope:

“I think you’re suffering from a lack of vitamine me!”

Jin:

“I lost my number can I have yours?”

V:

“Your hands looks heavy, let me hold ‘em for you.”

Jungkook:

“Are yu related to Yoda? ‘Couse Yodalicious!” DAMNNNN

Jimin:

“You turn my software into hardware.”




I don’t own the gifs.

I do take requests!

Christmas Gift Fic #9

(technically still Christmas where I am!)

Okay, here’s another. I might get a couple more out this weekend, but I hate to promise that. 

@whyarealltheurlsarlreadytaken asked for: can you do a ‘run verse au where darcy and clint have a romantic relationship. 

I hope this is kind of what you wanted. It got away from me a little bit. … enjoy!

***

Darcy couldn’t sleep.

Well, no, that wasn’t right. She did sleep, and she slept hard, for about four hours. And now she was wide awake staring into the dark.

SHIELD was gone. Weird. And freaky. It hit her every now and again, just out of nowhere. Wham.

Except, it wasn’t entirely gone. It was just underground now. Like she was, here in her pitch-black room, in a bunker complex, with all that was left. That was the freaky part. How fragile it all felt. Not just the agency, but the world. Everything felt egg shell-thin.

Licking her dry lips, she reached out to turn on the lamp. It was old, part of the ancient equipment and furniture leftover from the base’s early days, and it cast a sickly yellow light over the small, private quarters she’d claimed while she was lending a hand at the Playground. She would so make a shopping run at some point, when she could get away for a day. There was just so much cleanup to do, to get started on, to dig out, to glue back together. And so few hands to help.

Phil was out there now, somewhere in that shaky world, looking for his agents, trying to round up who he could. They were starting to trickle back in ones and twos, here and there. Sometimes he’d even find a whole pack of them, gone to ground in some forgotten bunker or safehouse, holding tight together while the foundations fell out from under them.

Rubbing a hand across her eyes, Darcy swung her legs out of bed and let out a long breath. The clock — a regular, old-fashioned, tick-tock, with hands and everything, clock — read a quarter after 3. Ugh.

Her thoughts ticked along with the little second hand — too much to do, too much to do, too much to do. As soon as she drifted from that hard sleep, into something lighter, her mind filled up with all those too many things, and now she was wide, damned awake. Bleh. She loved her father, but sometimes it sucked to be his daughter. He’d probably never slept a whole night through in his entire life for just that reason; the tick-tock brain that never stopped.

She laughed at herself and stood . That was such a creakily retro analogy for Tony, he’d be horrified by it. So, of course, she made a mental note to share it with him at the earliest possible opportunity.

Standing, she took a moment to stretch, trying to do something positive, good for her, self care, that sort of thing. Plus, she had such a crink in her neck from being wedged under floor plates and behind cramped server racks trying to fix everything Hydra broke and trying to upgrade everything else. The stretching helped a little, and woke her body up a little more, so at least she had some of the energy her brain was demanding. And then she went out into the dim corridors, only every third bulb lit for night-time lighting and power conservation. 70-year old diesel generators and stealth power grid taps could only take them so far.  

Darcy had them on an arc reactor now, though, and Tony had been surprisingly peaceable about that suggestion — well, they argued a little, but that was them. It helped that Phil immediately promised its existence was need to know, and only he and May would know anything about it. Well, and Darcy, but she was the one who installed it and who would maintain it. When the device came in disguised as a Newegg box, Phil gave her a tired smile and tried to joke she was the electrical systems chief now. Then he begged her not to blow up what was left of SHIELD. ‘Cause he was a funny guy like that.

The corridors were empty as she wandered down to the hanger. The Bus needed a little more work, though all critical systems were up and humming. Now, while it was quiet, she’d take care of her pretty flying baby.

There was an eerie stillness as she walked, her eye picking out the old SSR eagle painted on a wall, and her steps sounding particularly echoy. With the twisting halls, endless side rooms, and all, it was like a pretty sweet first person shooter where she got sucked back in time to fight an alien invasion in the fifties or something.

She wasn’t sure how far the base extended, parts of it were still closed off, again, to conserve energy. And because there were only a couple dozen people knocking around the place. It was better to cluster everybody closer, it made everything feel less lonely and depressing. Except, it still felt lonely and depressing. Though, maybe that was because it was 3am, the most depressing hour of the night.

When she got to the Bus, she went up to the lounge first and started the coffee maker, then she sat at the briefing table and called up the systems. Avionics were good, flight good, servers good, nav good, some of the lab systems were still a little wonky and something was slowing transfers to the main base servers. That might be software, but it could be hardware, too. Skye was software, but so many of the systems were slagged, hardware was a real possibility still, too. She’d go over it again.

“So, according to Natasha, you’re not my trainee anymore.”

Darcy jerked and nearly fell out of her chair. Putting a hand to her chest, feeling the wild hammering of her heart, she turned a heated glare on the man who was leaning against the opening to the lounge.

“Damn it, Barton. What the actual hell?”

“Sorry.”

“Wow, no you aren’t.”

He pouted and stepped into the room, walking over to the bar and the coffee maker. “I am. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“What are you doing here?” she demanded, still trying to settle the surge of adrenaline.

“You’re cranky.”

Darcy let out a whoosh of breath and ran a hand through her hair. “It’s 3:30 in the morning, I wasn’t expecting anybody to be around; this place is like a post-apocalyptic horror movie at night. Forgive me for being wigged at you popping out of nowhere.”

He poured them both a coffee and brought her a mug. “Okay, for real, sorry. I got in a couple hours ago, you were already asleep. May found me a bunk, but I couldn’t sleep either. I’m still on Prague time. Sucks. What’s your excuse?”

She wrapped her hands around the warming mug. “Stark brain? I was asleep, but then, you know that bit where you kind of wake up to like roll over or something? My brain kicked in with all the shit I’ve got to do, and I couldn’t stop thinking and here I am.”

He nodded soberly and sipped at his coffee. “Sucks,” he said again.

“Yeah. Are you sticking?”

“With SHIELD?”

“Yeah. Or you gonna take my dad up on the full-time Avengers gig?”

“I don’t know,” he said, shrugging. “Honestly. That’s why I’m here, I told Phil I’d talk to him first. I owe it to him.”

“Sure.”

“I guess you’re all in,” he said, voice mild and free of judgement one way or the other.

“I guess I am,” she admitted.

“Is that what you want?”

“If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be here.”

“Is that true, though?”

She cocked her head and thought about it. “Yeah. I really think it is.”

“Okay. Cool.” He tapped his long archer’s fingers on the mug. “This spooked Nat pretty good. I think she’s out. Or, maybe like a contract player. If Phil needed something, she’d help, but, you know what I mean.”

“I do.”

“You’ve got options, you know? Like, you could do anything, go anywhere, work for anybody. Some of these people, SHIELD was all they had, but you’ve got … well, everything.”

“Because I’m the spoiled rich kid, right?” She bristled a little and narrowed her eyes at him.

“Don’t get like that. It’s true and you know it.” He swept an arm out over the table in a broad arc. “The world is your oyster. You could go get five doctorates like your dad, go start up a company in … whatever it is you’d want to do. What would you want to do?”

“I don’t know.”

“Really?”

“I never knew, Barton,” she said quietly. It was true, it was her thing, it had to be all over her evals. Maybe he never really believed it, or never understood just how completely absolutely true that was. She never knew what she wanted. Never. And it wasn’t something she ever felt really comfortable with. Everybody around her was so focused and she was … aimlessly drifting.

“I had vague ideas, some kid fantasies, you know, but never anything I was super into,” she said, forcing the words out. “I picked political science because I’ve always been interested in people, in how the world works, and, of course, with a father who’s a defense contractor, government was something I was tangentially familiar with. But, even that wasn’t really a passion. I never had one. I always envied my friends who did, you know? Who knew exactly what they wanted. Like Rico and his computers, and Marley and design. But me? I never knew. And,” she smirked over at him, “I thought you knew that.”

He stared at her for a long moment. Long enough that she looked away, staring down into her mug. “I told you I never saw you. You are a mystery to me. You’ve been my trainee for over a year, and I don’t know hardly anything about you.”

“You know plenty.”

“What if I wanted to know more?”

“I don’t know what that means. Like, what? My favorite color?”

“Red,” he said immediately. “That one I know.”

She laughed and looked up at him. He smiled back.

“Purple,” she said, jerking her thumb at him.

Clint raised his chin and sniffed. “It’s the color of royalty, you know.”

“Sure,” she said with a little smile. “So, what do you want to know?”

“What would you do? If you could do anything at all … which, you know, you actually can. What would you do?”

“This.”

“Come on, Darce,” he whined.

She shook her head and jabbed a finger down on the table. “This. For real. This is what I want.”

He chewed on that for a second and then countered with, “You were in SHIELD to help your dad, I know that.”

“Yeah, and then SHIELD fell down. I know how big this is, how hard this will be, but …” she leaned towards him, intent and focused. “When we were in those tunnels and you were being an asshole—”

“Hey,” he protested and frowned.

“You were,” she insisted.

“I … was,” he admitted contritely. “Yeah, sorry.”

She waved it off and forgave him with a smile. “Anyway, when I saw those people on the platform. I knew. For the first time in my life, Clint, I knew what I wanted. I knew what I could do. Me. I could help those people. I could help the world. Phil told me I could, and you and Nat, and my dad, and Thor, and everybody. But, that moment is when I knew it for myself. I could do it, I had the resources, the training, the knowledge, the contacts, everything … I could do it. I can do it. It’s what I want. I want to rebuild SHIELD.”

Darcy waited for him to respond, but he just pursed his lips and stared at her thoughtfully. Again with the staring. And it was his 'watching her like a hawk’ (ha ha) look. Uncomfortable. Sucking in her cheeks, she looked back at the systems readouts for something to do, for anything to distract her from the sudden super intensity.  

Her relationship with Clint had always been pretty relaxed, even when they were training. He liked team sports, and beer, and cheesy movies, and 80s action shows, and they could kick it in easy conversation. She’d tease him about being a disaster, but she admired him, too. Admired his dedication, his skill, his way of looking at the world in all its simple and complex messiness — which was basically Clint in a nutshell anyway. But, this … early morning talks where, because of exhaustion, overwork, whatever else, she let herself open up in a way she never really liked to. This was new, and sort of uncomfortable, and really with the staring already. God, Barton.

“Okay,” he said at last.

“Okay.”

“I’m in. I’ll tell Phil when he gets back.”

Darcy looked up and frowned. “Wait, what?”

“I’m in with SHIELD.”

“Oh,” she said and tried to think of what she ought to say to that, she wasn’t expecting it. In fact, she was pretty prepared for both Nat and Clint to bail. “Well, good. Yay. Glad to have you.”

“Yep,” he said, his voice bright as he nodded and grinned. “I believe you.”

“About what?”

“That you’ll rebuild SHIELD.”

“Well, I mean, Phil —”

“Yeah, you and Phil. It’s called conviction.” He gave her a crooked smile. “I think you’re nuts, but I like it. That’s my kinda crazy.”

She laughed and gave his leg a little nudge with her own. “Jerk.”

“Yep.” He propped his chin on his hand and kept watching her. “You’re not my trainee anymore. You’re like … what? Like, Phil’s number two or three?”

“Four or five? Or lower? I don’t know. May, then maybe … I don’t know. You or Hartley?”

“Oh, is she here?” he asked, looking interested and pleased. “Awesome. She’s wicked with a knife.”

Darcy grimaced. “We, uh, maybe don’t get along so well. Maybe?”

“Oh …” He thought about it for a second then nodded. “Yeah, I can see the personality clash. Give her a chance, though, she’s good people.”

“Yeah, that’s what May says.” Darcy shrugged. She could give Hartley another chance, but would Hartley give her one? Maybe she’d have to work for it. Ugh. “Her team, though … I mean, Idaho’s okay, I guess. Though, Christ, he thinks he’s a world-class chef and I swear to you, he could burn water. And Hunter’s just straight up obnoxious.”

Clint’s eyebrows rose. “Lance Hunter?”

“Yep.”

“Huh.”

“You know him, I guess,” she said, pressing for that story. They’d be a weird combination. Probably not something anybody’d want to witness.

“I do. Sort of. It’s a long story,” he said with a sigh. “We have an ex in common. Way awkward.”

“His hell-beast ex-wife? His words, not mine.”

Clint snorted a surprised laugh and it took him a second to stop chuckling. “That’s the one. Ha. Oh, yeah. I should buy him a beer. Awesome.”

“Come on, she can’t be that bad.”

With a challenging look, Clint straightened up and started to tug off his shirt.

“What the hell are you doing?” Darcy asked, alarmed and startled and not prepared for the Barton striptease.

“I’m going to show you the scars.”

Darcy laughed and lunged forward to catch the hem of his shirt before it could clear his chest. She tugged it back down. “Keep your shirt on, geez.”

“No, you’ll be impressed.”

“I’m plenty impressed, promise. Please, keep your shirt on.” She had a hard enough time not staring at his arms, she didn’t need him to strip for her, too. He was a damned attractive guy, and she’d always noticed that. He was also a dozen years older than her and her SO. It was just … some things were not for thinking about too long, or else that way lay heartbreak or something. But she liked his squishy face, and his dumb boy sense of humor, and his frankly magnificent arms, and his crazy intense focus when he was being all sniper dude. Ugh, no Darcy, don’t go there.

He was looking mulish and he jerked up the side of his shirt anyway, ignoring her protests and pointed to a scar low on his back. “That one.”

“She stabbed you?”

“No, but I got stabbed because of her.”

“Well … ouch?”

“Yeah, totally. That hurt.”

“Poor baby.”

“Kiss it and make it better?”

She gaped at him for a second and shook her head like she misheard. “What the hell was that?”

“I don’t know?” he said, scratching the back of his neck. “Reflexive? Don’t make it weird, Lewis.”

“Screw you, Barton,” she said, laughing again.

“But, you know, if you wanted to, I wouldn’t stop you.”

“Who’s making this weird?”

“Me?”

“You.” She was still laughing, though, because, really, Barton?

“But, uh …” he moved his hand from his neck to rub at his ear. “If you wanted to, maybe, go out for coffee sometime.”

Her mouth went dry and there was a strange fuzzy buzzing in her head, because he couldn’t have just asked what she thought he asked. Right? “We’re having coffee now.”

“And it’s good, right? What is this?” He looked down at this mug before picking it up and draining the last. “Too good for an airplane and way too good for SHIELD.”

“Phil’s a coffee snob.”

“Oh, right.” He stood up and walked away to grab the pot. “More?”

“Sure.”

He poured them both another and then sat down again, fidgeting with his mug. “I meant it, though. Like, maybe someplace with normal people. And we’d go, you know, as normal people.”

“Neither of us are normal people,” she said quietly.

“Normalish. You’re not my trainee anymore,” he said again. Then licked his lips nervously and took a big gulp of coffee. “Believe it or not, I’m usually better at this. You are damned hard to read. Also,” he held up a finger to make a point, “I am not afraid of your dad.”

“Noted.” She rubbed at her eyes and tried to sort through the last five minutes. She didn’t … no, she didn’t ever expect this. “For real?”

“Yeah, I mean … uh, if you want. I’d just …”

“What about Natasha?”

He gave her an understanding smile and shook his head. “Darce, Nat is my best friend. That’s like … I don’t know, you and Rico.”

“Oh,” she said and made a face. She loved Rico, but yeah, no, she would not date Rico. That would be too weird. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Well, hey, if you’re not into it, that’s okay. No harm, but …” he trailed off and was silent for a moment before he continued. “I like you. I’ve always liked you, like as a person, you know? You’re fun, you’re weird — in a good way — you’re easy to be around. I don’t know. I just, I like when we watch the A-Team and drink beer and talk about whatever the hell. I like laughing with you.”

“I like that, too,” she said quietly, really trying to take this all in. Well, if nothing else it sure as hell shorted out her brain, wiping away that endless tick of 'too much to do’.

“We could give it a try,” he suggested. “Frankly, I think we’d make a badass pair. I can really see it. You’d bring it with the high tech, I’d bring it with the sniping, then we’d go out for Coronas and tacos and be awesome. I’m liking this.”

“Coronas and tacos,” she echoed, still trying to work through the short in her brain.

“With lime. For both, of course, because fish tacos.” He leaned towards her, his eyebrows raised and something open and hopeful on his impish face. “I like being around you, not a lot of people get me, but you do, and you make it so damned easy to just be, if that makes sense.”

“It does,” she agreed, because, well, it was always easy to be with Clint. Not lazy easy, but like she didn’t have to think about who she was with him. She just was herself. Whatever and whoever that was. And he was way opening himself up here, so she should probably give him some of that back. It was only fair. “I think I could go for Coronas and tacos. I, uh, you know, every guy I’ve ever dated, it didn’t always go so well, because I was keeping secrets. Which, of course, you know.” She narrowed her eyes at him. “Olympic sport?”

“I wasn’t wrong,” he grumbled, “you’re good at it. I mean, come on. I’m a spy. Hell, you even pulled one over on Nat. Crazy.”

“I guess I did.” She mused on that for a second. That was pretty good. “Anyway, you know my secrets now. That’ll be new.”

“Oh, you’re still a damned mystery, for real. I’m not just saying that.”

Her lips quirked up into a little smile. “I keep you on your toes, Barton.”

“Please do.” He reached out a hand and tapped the back of hers. “No pressure. Just, you know, tacos. See what happens.”

“My dad throws you off the building.”

“I’m still not afraid of him. And, I have a grappling hook arrow.”

Darcy laughed. “Of course you do.”

“It’s awesome.”

“It’s 93 stories.”

He thought about that and winced. “Well, uh, I’ll call Thor. Teamwork, yeah!”

And finally that reserve she’d built around herself for her whole life started to crack. Maybe not entirely done away, but a little light was getting through. She reached out and touched his face. “I like your squishy face.”

“It’s not squishy,” he said with a pout.

She poked at his cheek and laughed when he snarled. “Handsome face.”

“Better.”

“Yeah.”

“So … tacos?”

“It’s like four in the morning.”

“Tonight. Tacos.”

“Tacos. Tonight,” she agreed.

He grinned. “Awesome.”

Darcy gave his cheek a last pat and sat back. “You know, I think there are rules about agents dating.”

“Then I’m out,” he said easily and without hesitation. “I’ll tell Phil.”

“Come on, we could use you.”

He thought about it for a second then shrugged. “There’s like thirty agents left. What’s Phil going to do? Ground us? Though, you know, I could do the independent contractor thing, too. I can still work for SHIELD, but be out of the chain. That actually might work better. With the Avengers and all.”

“Sure, sure.”

“SHIELD’s been my world for a long time, Darce. I think I’m ready for there to be other things in my life now, you know? I’m good by that.”

“You’re sure?”

“I am. You had your revelation in those tunnels, and I had mine. And, I think that’s part of why I got so mad at you. It wasn’t the secrets, I just …”

“I was keeping them from you.”

“Yeah,” he admitted and bowed his head. “I want more. And, I let myself believe I had it, and then I realized I never really told you that, and you were keeping these secrets, and people were shooting at us, and I could have lost you right there. And … I didn’t like that. It freaked me out, too.”

She let that sink in for a minute before taking his hand. “Okay. So tacos tonight and then we see what happens.”

“Awesomeness happens.”

Giving his fingers a squeeze, she laughed. “High bar, Barton.”

“I’ll clear it,” he promised with a cocky smirk.

“Just so you know, there aren’t any more secrets. Okay?”

“Okay,” he accepted that with a nod. “But, I want to hear about those fantasies you had as a kid about what you’d do when you grew up.”

“Forklift driver.”

Clint guffawed and tugged on her hand, pulling her closer to him. “Really?”

“And astronaut.”

“That’s a gimmie,” he protested. “Every kid wants to be an astronaut.”

“And an architectural mad genius who designed secret lairs.”

“Okay, you’re not far off of that one. You could totally pull that one off.”

“I know, right? So close.” She leaned up and kissed his cheek. “I’ve got to actually work on the one secret base I’ve got on my hands now, though, so it’s time for you to take a hike.”

He returned her kiss with one of his own. “Okay. Fine. I’m tired now.” He stood up and pointed a finger at her. “Tonight. Tacos.”

“Tacos. Tonight,” she agreed again, smiling.

2

“You have 206 bones in your body.. want another?“ 

 "Please!” You tease. “I can turn your software into hardware.”

“I’m like a Rubix cube. The more you play with me, the harder I get.”

“70 percent of the human body is water, i’m thirsty.”

“Your clothing would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8m/s.”

“You’re like my math homework, I’m gonna bang you on the table and do you all night long.”

“Do you want to have sex?” 

“Yeah. Why not?”

anonymous asked:

I was told you needed help with a bug problem? Probably not true, though. My "informant" was rather giggly about it. (lynx-se7enteen)

It’s… a hardware issue, not a software issue. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  I have a highly talented engineer working on the required upgrades; however, it is complicated and time consuming because of my age and state of disrepair.

I do thank you for taking the time to check in, it is appreciated. I am sorry to, ah… turn away your help like this, but it is, fortunately, not needed at this time. It is mildly exasperating how few people seem to understand the difference between hardware and software, is it not?

( @lynx-se7enteen )

Cheesy sayings for the signs

Aries: I’m no photographer but I can picture us together
Taurus: there’s something wrong with my phone… It doesn’t have your number in it
Gemini: on a scale from 1 to 10, you’re a 9 and I’m the 1 you need
Cancer: are you a camera, because every time i look at you I smile
Leo: your daddy must have been a baker cause you’ve got a nice set of buns
Virgo: there’s 21 letters in the alphabet right? Oh wait I forgot U R A Q T
Libra: roses are red, apples are green. You’ve got the cutest butt I’ve ever seen
Scorpio: Are you a magician because abraca-dayum!
Sagittarius: if I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I’d have a galaxy
Capricorn: are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you’re CuTe
Aquarius: you turn my software into hardware
Pisces: I hate all the letters in the alphabet…. But I love U