you ride the dinosaurs

“Is Bruce in here?” Tim figured he might be— Bruce spent a lot of time in the children’s wing of Wayne Enterprises. There were a dozen or so kids in daycare most weekdays, and Bruce liked to hang out.

Tim liked to hang out too. They had nice snacks, and he’d known most of the kids since they were toddlers. And sometimes naps were mandatory.

“Conference call,” Damian told him. (For someone who claimed to hate naps, snackfood, kids, and humanity in general, Damian also spent a lot of time in the children’s wing.) “I don’t know where.” 

He went back to what he was doing, which was arranging a set of pewter soldiers into a complex model of a battlefield, presumably for the benefit of the preschooler sitting next to him. 

“What’s this?”

“The Battle of Issus, 333 BC.”

“Right, obviously.” Tim decided he was curious, so he settled down on the mats to watch.  Damian finished his model; he pulled a marker from the art table and used it as a pointer. 

“Okay. This is the Macedonian army, outnumbered but in the better tactical position, south of the Pinarus River. Their leader is Alexander the Great. And this—” He pointed to his enemy line. “—is the Achaemenid Empire. They’re about to lose.”

Damian tapped his marker on the Macedonian right. “This is the companion calvary, Alexander’s elite force, and they—” he cut off when he noticed his pupil digging in the toy bin, clearly distracted. The kid came up with a battered Transformer, which he set behind Damian’s lines. 

“Elliot. Alexander did not have robots.”

“But,” said Tim, rummaging through the box himself, “did he have wizards?” He pulled a bearded magician out of the tub and held it up for Damian to see. 

“You know he didn’t.”

Tim passed the wizard to Elliot. “But what if he did?”


“How would that go?”


“Abracadabra, Alexander!” Elliot yelled, gleefully smashing through Damian’s entire left flank.

“Damn it, Drake.” Damian sighed in frustration— not quite the rise Tim was hoping for, but still something. He dropped Elliot’s discarded robot back into the box.

“I don’t know what you were expecting,” Tim told him. “Elliot’s four. He’s too young for— what is this— military history?”

“He was doing fine before you showed up.” Damian started to re-erect his soldiers, but he gave it up after Elliot came in for a second pass. “Which is typical, isn’t it?”

“Good one.”

“Thank you.” Damian crossed his arms. “Fine. I’ll bite. When is he supposed to learn this kind of thing?”

“High school? Maybe never.”

“That can’t be right.”

“Have I ever lied to you?”

“Frequently.” Damian rolled his eyes. “I’m getting a second opinion.”

“I’ll wait.”

Damian checked the room for potential allies. “Thomas?” he called over his shoulder, “You learned military strategy as a kid, right?”

Duke looked up from the book he was reading to a pair of kindergardeners. “Just you, man.”

“Told you.” Tim fished a bag of plastic ninja from the toy box and arranged them pointedly into a row. “How are you still surprised by this kind of thing?”

Damian glared at him. “Okay, first of all? I’m not a— hold on a second. Elliot!”

Elliot froze with a large, plastic dinosaur held aloft over the battlefield. He drew it sheepishly back to his chest. “Sorry.”

“Not in the calvary wing,” Damian told him. “You’ll scare the horses.”

“Here?” Elliot pointed to the front of the phalanx.



“Aim for his center.” Damian turned back to Tim. “Anyway. Why are you still talking to me? I thought we had an agreement about unnecessary contact.”

Keep reading

me to baby, after twenty minutes of trying to get him to chill: …and if that purple yacht gets sunk, Mama’s gonna buy you a pickup truck. And if there’s a pickup truck recall, Mama’s gonna buy you a wrecking ball. And if that gets CPS involved, Mama’s gonna buy you an age-appropriate doll -

me to baby, after forty minutes: …and if Olympus Mons gets razed, Mama’s gonna buy you some flying sleighs. And if the flying sleighs get banned, Mama’s gonna buy you a Congressman. And if he still won’t pass your bill, Mama’s gonna buy you a Silmaril. And if that starts an awful war, Mama’s gonna buy you a dinosaur. And if your dino won’t ride to battle, Mama’s gonna buy you a magic saddle -


I wonder if the developers had ever met a baby. Maybe they’d just sort of heard about them in passing and missed the whole “will bawl eyes out when strange things are happening like being out in the freezing cold before dawn, surrounded by giant stomping monsters”.

(But bizarrely well-behaved babies aside, Horizon Zero Dawn is amazing and oh my god they have female characters who are treated like normal capable human beings with no stupid sexy armour and people of all sorts of races and its not treated like a big deal in this world and ROBOT DINOSAURS YOU CAN RIDE oh my god seriously you have to play it)

Fun Exalted Facts
  • You can Perfect Parry the ground to save yourself from falling damage, as it has been officially errata’d that the ground is attacking you.
  • Solar Exalts always round up and always win tie rolls solely because the universe wants them to win.
  • You can tame and ride a dinosaur, but it’s hard (they’re very stubborn).
  • Pattern Spiders can and do bite if you mess with Fate too much.
  • If you walk too far in any direction you’ll eventually run out of reality and Things Get Weird.
  • There’s a lost city filled with living people (mostly Dragon-Blooded Exalts) at the bottom of the Underworld’s ocean.  You can run a terrifying Bioshock-style Exalted campaign there.
  • “Sentai squad” is a solid party composition for Dragon-Blooded.
  • “Magical dieselpunk communism” is a viable setting.
  • Giant robots exist, and so does Voltron-style combining of them.
cards against humanity as fic prompts
  • A vagina that leads to another dimension
  • Fingering her until the cows come home
  • Inappropriate yodeling
  • A magic hippie love cloud
  • A sex comet from Neptune that plunges the Earth into eternal sexiness
  • An alternate universe in which boxes store things inside of people
  • Dining with cardboard cutouts of the cast of “Friends.”
  • Stripping naked and running through a Wendy’s drive-thru
  • Eating the entire $1 menu from Taco Bell before a big date 
  • Waking up half-naked in a Denny’s parking lot
  • Space muffins
  • A micropig wearing a tiny raincoat and booties
  • A stack of bunnies in a trenchcoat
  • Dinosaurs who wear armor and you ride them and they kick ass
  • Building a ladder of hot dogs to the moon
  • A fun, sexy time at the nude beach
  • Surprise sex!
  • Getting naked too soon
  • David Attenborough watching us mate
  • Subduing a grizzly bear and making her your wife
  • Bathing naked in a moonlit grove
  • Horrifying laser hair removal accidents 
  • Public urination that ends in tragedy
  • A super soaker full of cat pee
  • A gay sorcerer who turns everyone gay 
  • Not believing in giraffes
  • Swapping bodies with mom for a day
  • A literal tornado of fire

@ cw give me back my captain canary and coldwave dynamics. please and thank you : )

Ludo: Hey, Toffee, mind if I ask you somethin’?

Toffee: What is it?

Ludo: You’re not human either, right?

Toffee: Yeah….?

Ludo: And your dad spit you out as an egg, right?

Toffee: What about it?

Ludo: Are… Are you a Yoshi?

Toffee: (sarcastically) Yes, Ludo. I’m a green f*cking dinosaur.

Ludo: Can… Can I ride you?

Toffee: (annoyed growl)

out. lowkey like this post if you’d be interested in watching a rad (but super cheesy) 4-hour miniseries feat. ppl coexisting with dinosaurs on this cool island, bc I need more people in this fandom ok I’m literally the only one rip

officiallilith  asked:

Hey kiddo have you ever heard any stories of monsters that live underground?

[* Your auntie told you some stories kind of like that about the mountain nobody comes back from.]

[* How people think it’s full of demons and curses and other spooky things…]

[* If you ever get a chance to go there, you’re gonna smooch a demon!]

[* That’s not what you heard about people with red souls.]

[* In all the stories and cartoons and stuff, they’re witches and baddies and possessed by demons.]

[* You’ve never heard anything about turning back time!]

[* Time travel sounds cool, though.]

[* You think if you could time travel, you’d go back in time and ride a dinosaur!]

[Previous] [All] [Next]

things i’ve said/heard at school

( lbr i said all of this, ri pm e )

“the universe can’t get any bigger, it’s already biggest!”
*loud, terrible singing of defying gravity from wicked*
“i could reenact the entire opening scene from the lion king RIGHT NOW if i wanted to. i just need a cat & some funky face paint.”
“dick pics? how about dog pics?”
*googles pictures of funny dogs*
“look at this freaking dog, look at him, he has a freaking PEANUT BUTTER JAR STUCK ON HIS NOSE!”
“oh my god what is happening, i’m so confused, someone hold me.”
“ ____, get off the floor.”
“the floor is my kingdom now, you can’t tell the queen/king of the floor to do anything!”
“i literally wrote in the essay ‘do you even read these’ & got a 100%.”
“( place completely ridiculous nickname here ) IS A TOTALLY VALID & GOOD NAME TO GO BY.”
“he looked at me! he LOOKED AT ME, & I LOOKED AT HIM! we looked at each other, WE’RE IN LOVE!”
“you can’t just go up to the money guy at taco bell & ask for his number.”
“well look at that, apparently you can go up to random guys at taco bell & get their number.”
“they …. ran out of mac ‘n’ cheese the minute i got to the front of the line … EVERYTHING IS FOR NAUGHT, MY LIFE IS OVER, GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!”
“it’s literally just macaroni, i could go home & make you some right now & bring it to you tomorrow.”
“please, please, please bring me mac ‘n’ cheese. please.”
“why is this a daily thing in our lives?”
“wait …. if theodore isn’t after franklin roosevelt … who was president after him?”
“was theodore roosevelt even a president …?”
“the entire time we were taking that test, i had fergalicious stuck in my head.”
“let’s braid our hair together! it’ll be like tying each others shoe laces to each other, but instead it’s braids!”
“no, no — that’s a terrible idea, how about we tie our shirt sleeves together!”
“why not both?”
“sometimes i think about dinosaurs & what it would be like if they weren’t extinct & how it would be to ride on one.”
“can you imagine it??? in zoo’s, the signs would be all like, dinosaur rides, $5 each! & you can just fly around or run around with your dinosaur pal!”
“we should bring dinosaurs back, why did they just fade out?”
“dinosaurs didn’t fade out, they exploded from a meteor ….”
“please, just get some sleep. maybe you’ll stop saying stupid stuff if you do.”

Explaining Exalted

What is Exalted?

Exalted is a fantasy tabletop roleplaying game, like Dungeons and Dragons. Except instead of playing an elf or something you play a Super Saiyan. And instead of going into dungeons you surf down a volcano while riding a dinosaur. And the dinosaur may or may not be your significant other. And they’re riding an even larger dinosaur. Which pees heroine. These are all legitimate things in this game.

Exalted’s Crazy-Ass Backstory

In the beginning there was chaos. Then Satan and a bunch of his buddies thought it would be pretty cool if there wasn’t some chaos. So they did that, and thus Creation (with a big fancy capital C) and all life was theirs’ to dick around with. But after a while Satan and his buddies got tired of having to actually run reality and pick up after themselves. So they made the gods and spirits of the world to run Creation for them. And this actually worked out pretty OK for Satan and his buddies for a bit. They even made Heaven where they could sit around all day getting baked and playing video games.

But the gods got tired of this shit real quick. Satan kept barging into Creation, messing up everything, vomiting all over the floor, and telling them how Night Rider was like, totally the best band in the world, man. So the gods wanted to revolt. Only they couldn’t, because Satan had written it into the gods that they couldn’t touch him. Kind of one of those proximity shock-collar deals, only with gods. So the gods looked and found a loop-hole; they couldn’t attack Satan and all his buddies, but regular people could.

So each of the gods picked regular, mortal folks to get a bunch of superpowers. The gods and their respective champions were Superman and his league of superheroes, Ryoko from Tenchi Muyo and her legion of furries, the five Sailor Scouts and the Jedi, and the Planeteers who went with Power Rangers. By their powers combined, they were the Exalted.

So the Exalted fought against Satan and all his buddies. Satan made kaiju, the Exalted made mecha. Satan made demons, the Exalted made spells to bind them. In the mean time, reality broke apart. Eventually, the Exalted won, and Satan was pulled inside-out of his asshole by Superman, and then all Satan’s buddies were stuffed inside him and it was called Hell. Then Superman threw Satan away. But before Satan was kicked to the curb, he declared that all of Superman’s superheroes would eventually go crazy and things would be as bad as before. Superman didn’t really care and went to Heaven.

Time passed. The Exalted ruled the world. The superheroes were the kings, the furries were the queens, the Jedi were the councilors, and the Power Rangers were the soldiers. Creation got pretty cool. They had hover cars and internet and laserdiscs. But then things started to go downhill again. Superman got hooked on crack, Ryoko started to go insane, the Planeteers peaced out near all together, and the Sailor Scouts got drowned in dimensional paperwork. So there was really no one around to help when the superheroes became megalomaniacal assholes.

It was a pretty sweet deal when the superheroes were in charge for a while. But then they started getting corrupt and debauched. And nobody could really stop them because they were fucking superheroes. And the Jedi got worried that maybe if they didn’t stop the superheroes, the world would be doomed. So the Jedi convinced the Power Rangers to get all the superheroes and furries in the same place. Then they killed them, captured their souls so they couldn’t reincarnate, and the Power Rangers took over the world while the Jedi stayed in the shadows.

Everything looked like it was gonna’ go back to normal for a while. Maybe not as great as when the superheroes and furries ran things, but still pretty cool. Except then the Cthulhu Elves came. Yeah, see, back at the beginning of time, in the chaos, Satan and his buddies weren’t alone. There was an entire dimension of weird, shapeless, nameless chaos things just hanging around. And they liked being chaos things, and they liked living in the chaos. So when Satan made some not-chaos, that kind of pissed them off. And now that Satan and the gods and the superheroes and furries were gone, they figured now would be a good time to get rid of reality.

So the Cthulhu Elves, which are kind of like a mix between David Bowie and Neil Gaiman’s nightmares, brought their army of Everything That Has Ever Been Hallucinated with them to destroy the world. Luckily, the Power Rangers and the Jedi, who are now also Assassins, were able to stop them from completely wrecking up Creation. But a lot of reality is kind of up for grabs right now and there are mutants and werewolves and every now and then a section of reality swings between Lisa Frank stickers and Guillermo del Toro concept art and it’s just a mess. And then the zombie plague kicked in.

So, in the war between Satan and the Exalted, some of Satan’s buddies died. They were gonna’ get cast into the eternal void, but then their corpses/ghosts got scared of being wiped from reality forever and ever. So the zombie Satans huddled up together and became the Grim Reaper, and then they made the underworld, and started filling it up with the souls of the dead. To top it all off, the Grim Reapers somehow got their hands on the souls of some old superheroes, so now they could make Lich Kings. Which they did, and the Lich Kings led armies of the undead across Creation destroying pretty much everything and making zombies. So it looks like everything is screwed.

But luckily, there is a solution; you’ve come back! Somehow the souls of the superheroes are coming back to Creation, and they’re here to save the day again. Except now the Jedi-Assassins and the Power Rangers have convinced everyone that you’re a demon. And the furries are starting to turn into big tentacle monsters. And some of the Power Rangers have turned into Sauron. And the head Power Ranger, President of All the World, has gone missing. And Unicron is bringing an army of Transformers to reality for some reason. And Satan is making his own team of anti-superheroes, and he is pissed at you personally.

But that’s okay. And do you know why? Because you’re an Exalted. You were picked specifically for being awesome. By the time you’re done, they won’t know what hit ‘em. You’ve got this shit.

Prompt #20: “Wibbly Wobbly, Timey Wimey … Stuff.”

Request from Anonymous: 20 with Sam please ^^

Pairing: Sam x Reader

Author's Note: Sorry for the wait Anon, but I hope you like it all the same!

     Sam’s heavy footfalls sounded down the hall as he walked towards yours and his shared bedroom. You didn’t even spare him a sideways glance when he entered the room, far too engrossed in the Sci-Fi masterpiece that was Doctor Who, and just barely thought to move closer to him when he sat on the bed beside you.

     “What’re you watching?” Sam asked, pulling you against him so your back was flush with his muscled chest.

     You allowed Sam to wrap his arms around your waist and leaned into him while he traced calming whirls along your hip and down your leg. Then you said, “Doctor Who,” without looking away from the TV.

     Sam looked up at the screen and watched the characters in confusion. “What happened to the guy with the bowtie?”

     “He regenerated.”

     “And the Scottish girl?”

     “Weeping Angels.”

     His hand stilled and he angled his head so he could see your face. “What are those?”

     “They’re scary living statues that kill you if you blink.” Sam raised his eyebrows. You sighed and reached for the remote, pausing the show and turning to face him.

     “And why are they in a forest?” Sam pointed to the screen. “Last time I saw this show they were riding dinosaurs … on a space ship.”

     You laughed at the thought of the eleventh doctor riding a dinosaur, then said, “Because they’re hanging out with robin hood!”

     Sam screwed up his face, then opened his mouth and closed it. “What is this show even about?”

    You grinned broadly at him and turned back to the screen. “Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey … stuff.”

Campaign in a Bottle: Themes & Brainstorming

Okay, so we’ve chosen our books.  In addition to the Pathfinder RPG Core Rulebook and the Bestiary, we’re going to work with the Advanced Player’s Guide, Bestiary 4, the Alchemy Manual, and the Harrow Handbook.

So what’s our campaign going to be about?  What’s going to make it special?

(A quick note before we go any farther.  I normally keep my blog setting-neutral and avoid any Pathfinder intellectual property, both to spur my creativity and keep any legal types from getting cranky with me.  With these Campaign in a Bottle entries, I’m still going to try to stick to that policy for the most part—I won’t be using the names of any Golarion deities, for instance. But some of the classes and concepts I talk about, especially the harrow deck, will be drawn from Pathfinder’s IP quiver.  My use of them in this and subsequent posts should be considered a good-faith work of fan art and not construed as a challenge to their status.)

Right off the bat, our two Player Companion titles suggest one option.  A campaign with harrowing can’t help but be about the harrow deck, superstition, and the influence of fate.  Meanwhile alchemy is as close as Pathfinder gets to science.  So a campaign that plays up science vs. superstition and alchemy vs. harrowing could be really fun.  In game terms, that means alchemists vs. witches (and/or summoners). As X vs. Y setups go, that’s not a bad one—I would watch that movie.

Obviously alchemists and harrowers aren’t going to be fighting each other like armies of elves and orcs.  But I can easily imagine a border town or city right on the edge of “civilization” where the local culture of druidism, card reading, and nomadism or farming is being challenged and transformed by the wealth, industry, military, and alchemy of a colonizing nation.  Add some threats, both internal—sneaky alchemists conducting unlicensed experiments, witches slinging curses, maybe some gremlins or derros under the city—and external—a distant but always threatening nation of orcs, a forest full of nasty fey and hags, the usual dragons and such, and we’ve got some fertile ground.  A really big landmark such as a giant wall doesn’t hurt either.  (It doesn’t hurt that lately in the car I’ve been listening to Medicus and Terra Incognita, two novels by Ruth Downie about a doctor stationed with the Roman army in Britain during Hadrian’s reign.)  

So that’s one option. We’ll call it the Wall of Cards campaign.

The other option, instead of putting the Alchemy Manual and Harrow Handbook in opposition to each other, is to have them coöperate—or at least coexist.  So if science (even pseudoscience) and superstition are united, what’s on the other side of the equation?  

Well, looking at the Advanced Player’s Guide, we’ve got cavaliers, inquisitors, and oracles, not to mention the Core Rulebook’s clerics and paladins…so why not the church?

Imagine, then, a city founded around a holy site, an oracle, or some other heavenly visitation.  Over time, what was a shrine becomes settled and fortified until it is a decent-sized temple district or even an entire holy city—a place where faith and the law intersect, hence the presence of so many knights, paladins, and inquisitors.  Given that Bestiary 4 has a fair number of aquatic creatures, making this a coastal or canal city wouldn’t be a bad move either.  But with that growth comes challenges.  Temples tend to lead to universities…but when those universities start churning out wizards and alchemists, they become a power center on their own.  Wealthy nobles and merchants need guards and bear idle sons and daughters, leading to swashbucklers dueling in the streets.  Meanwhile, despite the church’s best efforts, the indigenous locals or travelers are going to have their own beliefs—including a healthy respect for the harrow deck—that they’re not going to surrender just because someone threw up a temple in their path.  So you’ve got a church hierarchy trying to keep the peace—or keep the citizens under its thumb, depending on the slant of your campaign—as upstart harrow-reading commoners and iconoclastic alchemists challenge their authority.  Now drop in some dark folk, a skum invasion or two, some giants, and whatever else lurks below the waves or comes crawling up from the cemeteries—not to mention a heresy or two—and you’ve got plenty to keep PCs busy.

We’ll call our second option the Oracle at Jenev.

While we’re at it, it’s also interesting to see how little tweaks to our starting books could make for a totally different campaign.  The Harrow Handbook would also work really well for a campaign with an Eastern feel as well—particularly if we chose Bestiary 3 instead of 4, opening us up to the world of kami and oni, and swapped out the Alchemy Manual for Ultimate Combat, which unlocks the ninja and samurai as class options.  (The thought of a ninja and a spellcaster hurling shuriken and harrow cards back and forth at each other is highly appealing.)

Also, you need a reasonably high level of civilization to be mass-producing cards, which automatically lends itself to certain eras and historical precedents.  But if you drop the Harrow Handbook…?  Bestiary 4 has all the ingredients for a truly off-the-wall jungle or coastal tropics campaign.  Add in the Animal Archive or Familiar Folio books and you could have dinosaur-riding druids fighting off wyrwood pygmies and wyvaran raiders while trying to uncover a lost city of psychopomps and drive off invaders from beyond the stars.

As tempting as those other tangents are though, we have an assignment to fulfill based on the books we were given.  I’m good with either, and that means the decision is up to you.  Which campaign do you all want to see?  Shall we explore the edge of civilization along the Wall of Cards or keep/defy the faith with the Oracle of Jenev?