you never cared

Thank you so, SOOOOOO much to everybody who has already contributed to, and reblogged, my post (HERE!) about @crackedverbosity ‘s Go Fund Me campaign (HERE!) to help rebuild her family home after the Louisiana floods! Everybody has been so wonderful and I can’t thank you all enough! <3 I may add some additional rewards in the future! (O wO) and if i do, everybody who has already contributed will be contacted with the new details! But i’ll keep everybody posted! again! thank you so, so much! (-^ O^-) it feels so lovely to know that so many people are willing to help! *HUGS* <3 <3 <3

To the people who have hurt me,

G- Thank you for leading me on for so damn long and making me truly believe that you cared; you never deserved to know me like you did and you never will. I told you everything that I was afraid of, everything I wanted to be, everything that meant something me and you made me feel so important kiddo. I told you what you meant to me and you made it seem like you reciprocated those feelings; the truth would have been better than lying and pretending. You took advantage of my feelings and got bored with toying with me, I suppose. Wether you care or not, you hurt me. I am fucking stupid for still caring about you. You are everything you told me you weren’t.

M- Our friendship was great while it lasted. If you were being honest with yourself, would you say that getting upset with me and calling my actions pathetic and lame was a good decision on your part? Would you say never actually teaching me anything might be the reason I left the team? You were my mentor after all and every single question I asked you was answered with a “I don’t know how to teach you this move” or “You’re trying too hard, don’t think so much.” You can’t come to me and say I didn’t try because according to you, I tried too hard. You can’t blame me for wanting to pursue something else that would actually benefit my future. You can’t blame me for feeling embarrassed because of my lack of skill, no matter my efforts. M, you were so damn passive towards me and not a single apology from my mouth could fix what you did. I said my part but you would always find a way to open up a new disagreement and avoid apologizing because you have so much pride. Also, I warned you from the beginning that my communication was subpar, but you still liked to hold it against me. I tried, but you didn’t. I hope one day you can see that.

J and GR- Putting me in the middle of whatever the fuck y'all had was just.. the stupidest possible thing you could have done. Thanks for fucking yourselves over, I’m glad I still get to hear about it 8 months after it ended. I’m tired.

I am so tired

C

sherlock in the bomb car in teh like “oh you say such sweet things, i never knew you cared” he’s such a gay baby omg………he makes jokes to get out of uncomfortable situations……….i lov him

A Hammersmith Flyover

She takes your hand and pulls you close.
A loving embrace - fleetingly long - 
and her hands are a hundred daggers in my back.

I see you clench so slowly, intimately, as if you truly believed it when she asked you to ‘shut up and dance’
all I can think is how hope ends so easily
and how I thought so foolishly
as I am struck by the horrible realization that you never cared

I don’t see her kiss you, but I see it, clear as day,
or maybe you kissed her - I flinch at the thought -
because it proves me wrong to ever presume you felt something
but here tonight, on this Hammersmith flyover, I can only watch in silence and imagine the worst of what I’d hate to believe
on this path I tread of never-meant-to-bes
and missed opportunities.

You have made me a void, then.
I am drunk and feel nothing now, but second by second, it is tearing me apart,
this question no New Year’s chimes or fireworks show could even fix
and when I wake up in the morning, ten hours sober,
I will only know the ache of betrayal, though maybe, secretly, it was at the back of my mind long before the whiskey ever set in.

as you stumbled into the dark starry night, full of once-unthinkable possibilities,
I wondered if I would ever dance again.

And someone asked about you.

I told them I loved you.
But I didn’t tell them that you still had me even if I don’t have you.

Goodness, did I love you.

—  No One Told Me Remembering Is Worse Than Forgetting