toothpick everything i made you feel from your teeth with the same tool you used to carve out every inch of you i touched with these hands, and show how much more clean you are now; how much brighter. that’s okay. i want you to be happy.
your pain is loud. i know. it’s fierce and it’s stubborn and when you need it least, it clings to you most. i know. it will come and go, and it won’t stop knocking on your door, no matter how old you are, how successful you are, or how in love you are. some say that pain is your worst enemy.
i have this theory. pain is your best friend.
it will break you when you need to be broken. and yes, everyone needs to break. it will be there for you when you are too weak or afraid to break on your own. it will give you a kickstart. and then it will cling to you until you recreate a version of yourself that is good enough for you. it will stay by your side, reminding you why you are fighting so hard. it won’t leave you. and you will hate it. you will threaten to take your own life if it doesn’t leave. you will cry and be afraid and blame every person that did you wrong. and pain will sit there, take all this, and stay. it won’t leave. it will stay. and it will hold you. and breathe with you. and help you create a pulse strong enough, that when it leaves, you will know you can survive. you will survive. it will teach self-love, and self-care when love just isn’t showing up. and it will humble you. it will humble you and soften you and teach you to understand others. and to wish them well. it will humble you. when you never thought you will get there, it will bring you there. and that person that hurt you? that person that took and took until you were opened up completely, and then swung a hammer at all the places inside you that screamed to be admired? that person that contributed to your break? to your shatter? to your insecurities? to your scars? that person, well, you won’t feel the aches when you think of them. you will notice calm. crawling on your skin like a caterpillar that doesn’t even know yet how many versions it still has yet to be. you will notice it, and for the first time, you will appreciate the pain. the break. the everything that got you to this point. you, are just a caterpillar. this part-this part that you feel is the end-that was solely you breaking out of the egg. that was you growing inside the egg and feeling the discomfort of growing big in a small space, but being too afraid to get to the next step. but you broke. however, whoever, contributed, be humble. because look at you now. you are one step closer to growing wings. to growing colour. to growing. and you are one step closer to flying. and god, you’d make such a powerful butterfly.
you can be angry and you can be hurt, i know. trust me, i know. but i have this theory. i have this theory that bad people aren’t born. they are created. and i think it starts when they break out of their egg. i think they fear pain. so instead of looking forward to being free, to being broken open, they cling to that moment of breaking. that moment someone or something did them wrong. and they don’t let go because they are afraid of what they have to become if they do. the responsibility that is placed on them to become. i think they fear that. they fear the process of pain. the process of growing.
so, go. get your heartbroken. fail an important exam. get fired from a job you enjoyed. lose a few friends. fail. break. destroy. and then when pain sneaks up on you, welcome it. hold it back. and then move. just move. keep moving. anywhere. everywhere. discover what you weren’t able to before because of the limitations that were placed on you. and then look back, look back at where you got your heart damaged, and be humble. be loud. be stubborn. and wish them well. all of them. all of it. wish it well.