Do you remember the time you fell down on your knees and begged the world to stop spinning? Love, it happened. You made it happen. On nights when crying was your only option, you closed your eyes and imagined your room to be filled with stars. The world stopped moving. All you could hear was your breathing. “Let the world claim you tonight,” you whispered to yourself. You found solace. You met Melancholy the first time, then and there, you knew you were alive. The moment you opened your eyes, the world was set to motion. And all you could utter were the words ‘I am alive.’
Your grandmother was right when she told you that you love too much. But look at where it got you. You have made a garden out of the barren land next door. You created a night sky filled with words of love. You have tucked the littlest hope and care in other people’s pockets. You have given away all of your flowers in bloom in hopes of erasing the pain in their eyes. You gave away all of yourself, and love, that’s okay. Go and give some more. Give and give and give until you learn how to let go.
There will be days when waking up is as hard as getting out of bed while the rain hums you to sleep. There will be a lot of meals that will go to waste and yet you will feel as heavy as the world being pulled to oblivion. It’s okay. Let yourself feel the heaviness of the loneliness. Of the world’s snarky remarks. Of the anxiety and panic attacks. Feel. Feel some more. Do not be afraid of tasting the blood. Do not run away from the depth of the ocean. Let the world swallow you whole and you will wake up, one day, with strength you never thought was possible.
Fall in love over and over and over again. May it be with the budding flower you see on the street. The stranger you met in the pedestrian lane with sad eyes. The children’s laughter. Everything. Fall in love with the littlest thing. Give your heart to that guy who told you 'Thank you for choosing me.“ Love the man who have shown you what it means to be weak, how it feels to be held in someone’s arms. Kiss him and make him remember your name in his mouth. Be honest about the things you feel because it’s not everyday you find people who see you behind your armor. Be weak. Be vulnerable. Go and fall in love some more.
You will survive. And you will continue counting the moving stars.
— an open letter to my younger self // hbg