These New Jedi Don’t Know Anything
Force Ghost Anakin: [sprawled out across Obi-Wan’s lap, half asleep, watching a blaringly-loud soap opera] Oh man, those two are so hooking up this week.
Force Ghost Obi-Wan: [sitting on Luke’s sofa, petting Anakin’s hair, wearing reading glasses and not looking up from reading a book called Betrayal: True Stories of Fallen Apprentices] Uh huh.
Force Ghost Yoda: [floating on a nearby throw pillow, knitting] Liked the second season better, I did.
Anakin: Yeah, it’s kind of jumped the shark, but I still have to see what happens with my OTP.
Luke: [meditating, cracking one eye open] Guys, can you keep it down? I’m trying to commune with the Force.
Anakin: We are the Force.
Luke: No, dad, I mean the – [stops, looks around]
[everyone snaps to attention]
Obi-Wan: [removing his glasses] What was that?
Luke: [closing his eyes again] I…I think someone’s coming. A girl!
Yoda: A new Jedi, you think?
Luke: Yeah…whoever it is, they definitely have the Force with them.
Anakin: Well…go out there! Introduce yourself!
Luke: Should I…should I do something?
Obi-Wan: Are there any cliffs with good lighting you could stand on?
Anakin: [peering out the window] What’s the wind situation like out there?
Yoda: A robe, he needs, for drama.
Obi-Wan: [putting one on Luke] Yes, it would never do to go out there without one…
Anakin: So what’s your plan, son?
Luke: Uh…say “hello, my name is Luke”?
[Anakin, Obi-Wan and Yoda look at each other uneasily]
Obi-Wan: [dismayed] …”hello, my name is Luke”?
Luke: Well, I should greet her, right? I mean, what are you guys suggesting? I just put a hooded cape on and stand outside silently in the wind like a weirdo? And then, what? Dramatically un-hood myself while my hair blows around while remaining totally wordless? Heh…that…that would be…
[The Force Ghosts side-eye him]
Luke: O-OK, you guys know best. [puts his hood on] Well, wish me luck. [he goes outside to meet Rey]
Obi-Wan: [annoyed] You see what happens when I’m not allowed to train someone until they’re an adult? Those are basic Jedi presentation skills!
Yoda: A shame, it is.
Anakin: [nodding solemnly] Really. I love the kid, but that is disappointing.