you little piece of british shit


“My name is Walter C. Dornez, butler to the Hellsing family and former master vampire hunter. I highly recommend pissing yourself, followed by a course of praying to your impotent God.”


Prompt: The Five Times the Losers Noticed Richie and Eddie’s Feelings and the One Time They Decided to Do Something About It

Suggested by: @lukemybieber

Pairings: Reddie, Implied Menverly, Implied Stenbrough

Trigger Warnings: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Swearing, Referenced 1933 Movie, Boys Kissing, Referenced Pasta Hair, This is pretty innocent tbh basically no smut

Aged Up Characters!

All Eddie Kaspbrak had ever wanted was some peace and quiet. Unfortunately for him, he had an eternal headache and his name was Richie Tozier.

The wise-cracking, ‘your mom,’ joke-spewing, ADHD-ridden ball of child neglect, nicotine cigarettes and alcohol. He loved him more than words could describe.

He always, always kept his window unlocked should his parents get so drunk they couldn’t stand straight and ended up passing out on the kitchen table amidst a puddle of hard liquor. His father was a hostile drunk, but he was mostly away fucking some woman named Jeannie in Nova Scotia. Because of that, his mother was usually sleeping off a hangover, only to cure that hangover with either more booze or screaming profanities at the boy himself.

He’d met Richie’s dad once, didn’t look a lot like him other than the eyes and blindingly pale skin. He was internally very grateful for that fact.

What he was not grateful for was his motor-mouthed best friend obliviously telling Eddie every fact about airplanes, probably more than anyone else had ever figured out, and doing a bad imitation of the blades whirring with his mouth. In the process, he’d spit all over Eddie’s math homework, who Richie himself was supposed to be helping him with. And it’d suddenly turned into a dramtic reenactment of the end of the King Kong movies.

“So then the blonde lady is all ‘help me somebody save me!’” He screeched in a pitched voice, throwing an arm over his forehead, “And King Kong is like 'nobody can save you now! Bwahahaha!’”

Eddie narrowed his eyes and stared at the problem. What is x if y is equal to the airplane shooting at– dammit Richie.

Stan would be over to help them study as soon as he got out of the synagogue for prayer with his father, at least then he figured he may get something done.

“But then the girl is like 'bitch you THOUGHT,’ and she like totally annihilates him, but there are airplanes in the background and she doesn’t– are you even listening to me, Eds?” Richie broke off his incessant chatter to scan Eddie’s face, to which the younger boy rolled his eyes.

“Oh yeah, riveting shit, really.” Eddie scoffed sarcastically, reading over the problem for the fourth time. As he was staring at the paper, it was suddenly stolen from him by Richie.

“Math? Math is stupid, math is boring! You know what’s not boring? King Kong.” Richie laid down on his stomach to inspect the worksheet.

“You got number seven wrong. Y should be fifty-nine point three, see you forgot to carry the one.” Richie showed him his own paper and pointed out his mistake. Eddie nodded and reached for his paper, but Richie pulled it away at the last second.

“Ah- ah- ah. No more math until I finish my story.” Eddie reached up, but Richie was both faster and taller. He rolled over and laid on his back, the paper underneath him.

“You jackass! Give it back!” Eddie’s brilliant solution to the problem was to throw his legs over Richie’s stomach and try to reach behind him for the worksheet. Richie’s only goal seemed to be keeping the paper beneath him, shoving Eddie father and farther back until he was straddling his crotch. They were both so caught up in tickling each other and laughing, they didn’t notice the door swing open and Stan’s shocked face holding an Algebra textbook tucked under one arm, his bird naming book under the other, and a box of pizza in both of his hands.

He cleared his throat loudly, and it was at that moment that both boys realized the position they were in. They slinked away from each other, red-faced and embarrassed, but Stanley never said a word. He simply set the pizza box on the bed, opened his math book and never said another word about it.

That was, of course, the last week of freshman year.

And they managed to stay away from another situation like that until the spring of sophomore year in high school.

Right up until mid-July, at a 50’s style diner towards the outskirts of Derry, which they’d basically all adopted as another hangout spot.

“She is a snake! She is a liar, a scumbag, a piece of shit, the lowest of the low-”

“All because she gave you a B- on your writing quiz, because your handwriting is illegible. Seriously! Even I can’t read it sometimes, Trashmouth!” Eddie groaned, sipping his vanilla milkshake while Richie ranted to him about their writing teacher.

“Well if she wanted a legible report on the Vietnam War she should have asked us to use a typewriter! Ah say, ah say, it’s bullshit, good sir!” Richie faked a British accent, which Eddis had to admit was getting at least a little bit better.

“Do you even own a typewriter?” Eddie questioned, though he was only slightly annoyed and wished Mike would just hurry up and get there with Richie’s latest X-men comic that he’d borrowed, because it was basically the most important thing in Richie’s life at the moment.

“Big Bill does! He doesn’t let me use it though, because last time I typed 'Henry Bowers is a shit-spitting sissy boy,’ and was gonna make copies to hang all over school. He didn’t think it was the best idea, but I think it would have been fucking hilarious. Can you picture the look on his face, Eds?” Richie was always coming up with ridiculous and random ideas that were normally completely half-thought out and he had no real intentions to follow through with them.

Eddie scoffed and his eyes flicked to the door yet again. Mike still had five minutes, they knew he wouldn’t be late. Mike Hanlon was never late.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to hang out with Richie, he obviously did. But ever since the end of middle school, something seemed to have shifted between them, like the balance of the universe was… off. For starters, he realized he thought about Richie the way Ben talked about Beverly, or Beverly talked about both Mike and Ben. He could tell that ever since she and Bill had decided to stop their childish crush before it became serious, that yes, they still respected each other, but Beverly seemed to be in a constant battle between Mike and Ben. It was a little weird, but not as weird as the way only one person came to his mind when Ben recited his newest poem about love, about how when you think about the person, your heart seems to flutter, how you feel like you could spend forever with them, and it still wouldn’t feel like long enough.

But he realized that boys weren’t supposed to feel that way about other boys, and his mom would go apeshit if he told her.

He smiled and moved over to sit on Richie’s lap, which took him by surprise, but he was not unopposed to. Eddie sat on Richie’s lap all the time at the Barrens, whenever he was afraid of his allergies acting up or he just wanted to be closer to the boy.

He leaned with his back towards the wall, one arm resting across his shoulders, one in his lap. Neither of them talked. It was a comfortable position for both of them and neither wanted to break the comfortable silence radiating throughout the air.

Not many other people hung out in the diner, that was what made it so special. It was like their very own little hideout, a secret kept from the rest of the world, except the regulars, of course.

They heard the little bell on the top of the door ring and he scrambled off Richie’s lap, but not before Mike saw. He pretended like he didn’t, though, so he was looking up when they saw him.

He faked seeing them and put on a bright smile, waving to them and holding the comic to his chest, watching as Richie’s face lit up. Stan had told him about something like that at the end of freshman year, where they were just comfortably… on each other, like it was the most casual thing in the world. At first, Mike had just assumed they were affectionate friends, but during the meal, he could see the two boys flicking anxious glances between one another and he realized there could be more to the story.

And again, they never spoke of it, because talking about it would make it real, and what was there to make?

Eddie was merely sixteen when he needed to get his wisdom teeth removed. It was both an emergency surgery and an important moment in his life, so naturally, he called on his three best friends to make sure he was okay after the surgery.

Bill Denbrough, who had been his best friend since childhood, taught him how to ride a bike and never made fun of him or his illnesses, Stanley Uris, who always knew what to do with the rather frequent anxiety attacks he had, and of course, Richie Tozier, because Richie was the most loveable damned idiot in the world, and there would never be a scenario where he was not there. He wanted to bring the other losers, but the doctor said any more than three people was too much.

The surgery went well, despite his anxiety over it. It only became a problem when he was wheeled into the patient room in a wheelchair, giggling like a madman with cotton in his mouth.

“He’s high!” Richie squealed with genuine joy in his tone.

“Stanley!” Eddie suddenly screamed, eyes fixed on the tall, Jewish boy. He smiled goofily, his eyes unfocused.

“Stan… Stanley, c'mere.” He motioned for him to come closer. Stan looked between Richie and Bill, who shrugged.

He bent down near Eddie’s wheelchair and smiled softly.

“Hi, E-”

“You have pasta on your head!” He reached out to grab Stan’s hair, but a now-frowning Jewish boy bat his hand away.

“Fuck you, Eddie,” Stan grumbled, looking away. He began giggling again.

“Where’s Bill? I love Bill!” Eddie’s eyes peeled curiously around the sterile waiting room.

“I’m ruh- right here,” Bill spoke up, leaning down onto his knees and the side of the wheelchair. Eddie reached a limp hand onto his face.

“I love you, Bill. You’re my best friend! If anybody asks I’ll say… I like my best friend Bill… but-” His eyebrows furrowed in thought, “But I love my best friend Richie.”

“Aw, Eds. I always knew you loved me!” Richie came up from behind Bill and sat on the other side of Eddie’s wheelchair.

He removed his hands from Bill’s face and brought them softly to Richie’s.

“Mm- hmm…” He hummed softly, dreamily. His fingers combed through Richie’s untamed curls, thumbs finding themselves underneath his glasses.

“I like your face… I like your eyes, and your hair… and glasses. But… I also like your jokes. Sometimes they’re funny…” Eddie whispered, his fingers brushing against Richie’s lips. His eyes were transfixed on them, the pink, chapped, peeling mess they were.

“You think my jokes are funny, Eds?” Richie’s voice came out awkwardly pitched, and neither of them noticed Bill watching the exchange intently. He almost felt like he was interrupting a private moment between them.

“Yeah… sometimes. I don’t like the ones about my mom, though. That’s gross.” Richie grinned, then Stan came in the room and they helped Eddie out of his chair and to the car.

He was heavy and he wasn’t walking right, so they had to balance him between them, Bill unlocking the car while Richie and Stan walked on either side of him with his arms pulled around their shoulders.

When they got in the car, Bill was driving, Stan in the passenger’s seat, and Eddie asleep against Richie’s shoulder in the back.

Bill had never seen them act so quiet and… intimate towards each other before. It was strange, but if it made them happy, Bill was unopposed.

During the summer of Junior year, everything became too much for Beverly again. She ran as fast as she could, feet slamming against the pavement, to get to Richie’s house. She just needed to see him.

She swung her leg over the tree branch close to his window and leapt off onto the roof, knocking quickly on the glass with her fist.

The light was on, so she was sure he’d be home, and there was a soft murmering on his side. She saw a shift in light as he drew back the curtains, and the second he saw her bruised eye and busted lip, he pulled her into a hug.

“Oh, Beverly…” He sighed, with pity in his tone. When it was quiet, she could hear a soft sobbing and feel another presence in the room. She turned her head slowly to the side to see Eddie, with red-rimmed eyes and tear tracks running down his face.

“Eh- Eddie?” She choked out, peering through misty eyes at him. She heard Richie heave a rattling sigh.

“Yeah, I have two of you tonight. We can watch a movie if you want, but please clean off your lip first, I can get you some ice from the fridge.” She nodded quickly, because if Eddie wouldn’t ask questions, neither would she.

She went to the bathroom and splashed some water on her face, hoping that she’d feel better. When she went back to the room, Richie had pulled Eddie onto his chest and the shorter boy had nuzzled his head right underneath his chin. He was silently crying about something, mumbling 'It was bullshit, Rich, it was all bullshit. She lied to me, she lied.’

Richie was comforting him with soft assurances whispered into his hair and his hand rubbing soft circles in Eddie’s back. She sat on the bed next to them, a feeling settling in her stomach. They turned on a movie– Ferris Bueller’s Day Off– and Eddie fell asleep against Richie almost instantly. He’d wrapped his arm around her shoulders and then she didn’t feel so alone.

She was woken up when Eddie woke up, not because he was crying so much as just to push himself off of Trashmouth and go back to sleep pretending nothing ever happened.

They were eighteen when Ben finally saw them as well, except it wasn’t as innocent as the other times, in fact quite the opposite.

They’d all been planning to meet at Mike’s house for movie night before they all had to leave for college. It would have been alright, had Mike not left them to their own devices with the TV. Of course they would argue about what show they’d watch and neither would settle.

Ben was just walking into the house, not trying to be scarred by the image of one of his best friend’s heads pressed against the other’s crotch, but his wish would not be granted, as when he turned into the living room, that was basically the position they were in.

They said it’d happened on accident and both of them turned bright red when Ben noticed. He never got a clear explanation of what happened, both boys seemed to completely deny it, making up some excuse about a remote or something like that.

He had absolutely no idea how that was a viable excuse, but he’d learned from his friends it was best not to talk about the tension between them.

Richie tried to play it off with a cheap dick joke and Eddie beeped him and hit him upside the head.

“So Ben… how’s it going with… Beverly?” Eddie attempted to distract. Ben blushed and shook his head, because he didn’t want to think about the time he, Mike, and Beverly had hung out together and he’d not-so-accidentally kissed both of them.

Soon enough, Mike came into the room with Star Wars on VHS and they all settled when Bill entered the house. He always did have a calming prescence.

They’d all sprawled out across each other, Beverly in between Mike and Ben on the couch, Stan leaning his head on Bill’s shoulder, Richie with his head on Eddie’s lap. And Ben couldn’t forget how their faces were red as cherry tomatoes and they both kept flicking anxious glances over to him.

It wasn’t like they cared much, nobody really did, but it was still a compromising position.

It was finally college, the last night the Losers would be spending together, all together at least, until they left Derry and by extension, each other. It wasn’t all bad, Bill, Stan, and Mike managed to get accepted into the same college, which was only fourty miles away from Beverly’s and fifty away from Ben’s. Richie and Eddie had also managed to get into the ssme college, but it was a whole different state away from the other’s.

They’d all decided to get drunk and play seven minutes in heaven in Ben’s closet. All night, Eddie had noticed the Losers were acting sort of strange, all except Richie. He tried to tell himself it was just because they were drunk or upset because of college. He didn’t either of those excuses.

The way they played the game, it was sort of a mix between spin the bottle and seven minutes in heaven.

Whoever the bottle landed on was who you had to go into the closet with. Eddie had at first landed on a drunken Bill, who spent their whole seven minutes gushing about Stan’s face.

A few other turns passed, and then it was Richie’s turn. And he landed on Eddie. Eddie held his breath as Richie guided them into the closet and slammed the door shut.

They both just stared at each other for a few soul-crushing minutes. And then Richie spoke up.

“Well come on, Eds. It’s seven minutes in heaven. I thought you’d be all over this.” Richie gestured obscenely. Eddie rolled his eyes.

“Beep beep, Trashmouth.” But it wasn’t said with the usual annoyance, because suddenly Richie was coming towards him, and he intertwined their fingers together, slowly pushing Eddie towards the wall.

Eddie’s heart was racing so fast he was sure Richie could sense it.

“This is fine,” He muttered, because he did that a lot, tried to convince himself that things were alright when he was on the verge of screaming with emotion. He hadn’t meant to say it out loud, though, and Richie took it as the go-ahead to press his lips against Eddie’s.

The kiss was soft, his lips were chapped, but warm and gentle. He didn’t try to force his tongue down his throat, the way Eddie’s mother had always told him kisses were.

It was just… innocent. Everything was quiet around them, it was dark, but everything felt like it was glowing around him. Richie bit Eddie’s lips softly, their breaths becoming the only sound in the room. He picked Eddie up by his thighs and Eddie wrapped his arms around Richie, tilting his head back to deepen the kiss, because that was what they wanted.

They just kept kissing, coming up for air every once in a while, but not talking. Not ever talking. It had obviously been way longer than seven minutes and Eddie wasn’t even sure if the Losers were out there anymore. So that had been their plan, try to get them drunk and making out. It’d worked.

They didn’t want to talk about what happened, and when Richie looked, they’d been in the closet for a whole twenty minutes. None of the Losers commented on their messy hair, or the hickey on Eddie’s collarbone.

The Losers knew how to get them together better than they did.

Taglist: @toziertrashmouth @s-s-georgie @childishsoup @beep-beep-richie-trashmouth @beep-beep-gazebos @ithinkthe4thkindisabuttthing @trashmouth-reddie Bolded means I couldn’t tag you.

On the whole ‘humans are crazy’ topic, tank crews. Holy shit tank crews. Ever since they’ve been a thing, they’ve been total berserkers even by human standards.

The first tank ever to be armed and deployed in battle, the British-made Mark 1, had its engine in the same compartment as the crew, with no coverings or anything, just a hot piece of machinery everyone got burned by. And I mean EVERYONE, because that tank had no suspension. The treads were directly attached to the body. Every little lump in the terrain could throw you across the compartment, and there were plenty of hard surfaces and sharp bits (and both at once) to hurt yourself on. They had a crew of 8, too, so they were unbelievably crowded.

The story goes that in the early days of World War One, there was a demonstration of this new weapon for the king of England. He watched in awe as it crawled its way (top speed was maybe 5 miles per hour, generally less) over trenches, through gullies, down embankments, and over rough terrain, and fired its guns at targets. At the end of the demo, the tank having finished by rather suddenly thumping its way down an embankment, three men got out, trotted forward, and stood at attention.

Astonished, the king asked them “This magnificent vehicle needs only a crew of three?”

“No, sir, crew of eight sir.”

“Where are the other five?”

“Knocked unconscious, sir.”

Let that sink in for a second.

What kind of psychos are we, that we employ weapons which threaten to injure us or knock us out just in the process of moving them into position? What sane species uses combat gear which has a decent chance of putting them out of the fight before they even show up? Space orcs got nothin on us.

I feel like just from a handful of the stories from Earth’s wars, aliens would quickly figure out that a) humans are terrifying when pissed off, and b) we are batshit crazy no matter what situation or mood we’re in. Feel free to share some bits that you feel would especially indicate that.

How sex work has ruined my dating life

Sex work has ruined my relationship/dating life in more ways than I could possibly imagine

I can no longer even have a conversation with a guy without thinking
“How would one possibly and also cunningly extract money,food or and a shopping trip from this poor unaware individual?” *very British accent*.

Not only that I have acquired what one would call a “stripper brain” meaning that from the moment you sit down I AM JUDGING YOU
From your watch to your shoes to that nasty little stain on your jumper.
I mean you could really be a nice guy. Like AMAZING..

..But is that a Casio watch you’re wearing?Yeah good bye.✋🏿

This actually brings me on to another thing… MONEY😊😊

There was once a time in my life that I could really be with a 9-5 guy who makes 60-90 a shift..(good times)

Now that I’m extremely spoilt and I feel severely distraught if I make 200 in a night therefore I find itboth hard and unattractive to date a guy who is on a lower income than me AND CANNOT SPEND! I tried it once before and I felt like a sugar mummy. I paid for all the dates and was even borrowing him money🙄🙄🙄

Now this is the sad part..
I don’t think I could even trust a man with the kind of guys that walk into my club you know..

Married ass men begging you to come home with them offering any amount even though back at home your kids ain’t even got no school shoes.

Men denying their girlfriends and claiming the beautiful women on their screen savers are their sister or their “deceased cousins”.

I even had one guy told me he wears a wedding ring because he “Doesn’t want to attract women because all women are after his money” Really nigga?¿.

You even get those guys that insult their Mrs. Infront you like seriously?

Anyways that’s my rant.

Moral: fuckniggasgetmoney gangganggang fuck trump even though I live in the UK Kodakfree ayyy

anonymous asked:

Yo, Mags, I want to play devil's advocate with you a little. So, one main argument against gun control is that criminals won't follow it, only decent citizens will. However, can't that same argument be used against a shit ton of different laws? For example, "Speed limits only punish the average citizen by making them drive too slowly. Criminals, however, don't care about the law and won't follow the speed limit. Therefore, we should get rid of speed limits altogether."

Bearing in mind that I’m British and know next to nothing about guns apart from little bits and pieces that I’ve read on here, but cars in general can’t work as any kind of meaningful analogy because they’re far too different to be accurately compared in any way. 

For example, a driver breaking the speed limit isn’t the same as deliberate hit-and-run drivers. Speeding drivers can be incredibly dangerous, but they don’t often go out to deliberately use their cars as tools to threaten, maim or kill.

Criminal gun owners, on the other hand, do use their guns to threaten, maim or kill, whilst law-abiding gun owners will own guns for protection, for hunting, for sport or simply because they choose to lawfully collect guns.

From what I’ve seen when it comes to US citizens against extra gun control, the majority don’t say that gun ownership should be lawless, only that there’s no need for extra laws, because there are already plenty of laws that are in place that gun control advocates are ignorant of, they’re against the demonisation of lawful gun owners and they criticise what they see as the failure of “gun free” areas.

South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut : Sentence Starters
  • "Now come on children, don't be shy, just give it your best shot."
  • "What is five times two?"
  • "OK, now lets try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard."
  • "I'm Sorry ________, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."
  • "Dude, it's a lady getting pooed on!"
  • "You're too young for this stuff!"
  • "Hey! It IS ________'s mom!"
  • "Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?"
  • "Let's start by building a big statue of me, right over there where that fat kid is standing."
  • "Hey, don't call me fat buttfucker!"
  • "Respect my fuckin' authority!"
  • "You need to watch your mouth, brat."
  • "I know I was mean before. But don't worry - I can change!"
  • "Dog-shit taco!"
  • "Oh fuck."
  • "Who's a fuckin' bitch? ________'s Mooooooooom!"
  • "Blame Canada!"
  • "I don't listen to hip-hop."
  • "Haven't you heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?"
  • "I bet him he couldn't do it. I bet him a hundred dollars."
  • "I'm just fuckin' stoked I don't have to pay him."
  • "Oh, that's real nice! He was your friend, you fat fuck!"
  • "Remember what the MPAA says; Horrific, Deplorable violence is okay, as long as people don't say any naughty words!"
  • "Suck my balls."
  • "What the heck is a rimjob?"
  • "I transferred from Yardale where I had a 4.0 grade point average."
  • "It's this V-Chip, I hate it!"
  • "I can't say any dirty words."
  • "And you can't say Shit?"
  • "I'm warning you!"
  • "She's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair."
  • "________, did you just say the F-word?"
  • "No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat ass!"
  • "Why the fuck not?"
  • "What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody."
  • "How would you like to suck my balls?"
  • "Holy shit, dude."
  • "Get the fuck out of here!"
  • "Notice, that nothing happens."
  • "Success! The child doesn't want to swear!"
  • "Go on, honey. It's all right."
  • "Let me have some candy."
  • "Like you really need all that chocolate."
  • "We accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato. You have about three seconds to live."
  • "What would Brian Boitano do if he was here right now?"
  • "I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two."
  • "I just want my mom to stop fighting everyone."
  • "For ________, I'll be an activist too."
  • "Some people say that I'm a bad guy, they may be right."
  • "Any minute now I will be born again!"
  • "What if you remain a sandy little butt-hole?"
  • "Hey Satan, don't be such a twit."
  • "Mother Theresa won't have shit on me!"
  • "Man, this movie gets better every time I see it!"
  • "I'll bet you a hundred dollars you can't light a fart on fire."
  • "This stick is on fire!"
  • "Oh my God, you killed ________!"
  • "You bastard!"
  • "How come you always want to make love to me from behind?"
  • "Is it because you want to pretend I'm somebody else?"
  • "Who am I going to pretend you are, Liza Minelli?"
  • "Sure, hon."
  • "Wait, before we put a message out, do a search on the word clitoris."
  • "It isn't like this film is the first troublesome thing to come out of Canada. Let us not forget Bryan Adams."
  • "Now, now, the Canadian Government has apologized for Bryan Adams on several occasions!"
  • "Can I finish? Please, can I finish?"
  • "I think we're fighting Canadians."
  • "Canadians, Australians, what's the difference?"
  • "Fuck is the worst word that you can say."
  • "Fuck Canada!"
  • "Hey fuck you buddy!"
  • "Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch."
  • "I want to know where you heard all this horrific obscenities, m'kay?"
  • "I seriously doubt that ________ ever said: "Eat penguin shit, you ass spelunker"."
  • "Well you fucked your uncle yesterday."
  • "Goodbye, you guys."
  • "You told us that windows 98 would be faster, and more efficient with better access to the internet!"
  • "What do you think this is kid?"
  • "The word is "forensics"."
  • "Cancer is killing, Texaco's spilling, the whole world's gone to hell, but how are you?"
  • "I'm super! Thanks for asking!"
  • "Looks like we may be out of luck."
  • "Don't kick the baby."
  • "Hold me."
  • "Why should we fucking have to spell forensics?"
  • "There is no hope now, you must get out of here."
  • "Were is your God when you need him, huh? Where is your beautiful, merciful faggot now?"
  • "We can't leave without you! We don't know where the hell we are!"
  • "I can't face my mother."
  • "Our freedom shall be won."
  • "Though I die... La Resistance lives... on..."
  • "SHIT!"
  • "What the fuck are they fighting for?"
  • "When did this song become a marathon?"
  • "Here I come, God. Here I come, you fucking rat."
  • "Is sex the only thing that matters to you?"
  • "I hope you've learned something from this whole experience."
  • "Wanna see the northern lights?"
  • "You burned yourself to death by lighting your fart."
  • "You MUST shut of the alarms!"
  • "I fucking hate guard dogs!"
  • "I heard you the first time you British piece of shit."
  • "This is worse than the time when I fell asleep and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture."
  • "The sun is shining and the grass is green. Under the three feet of snow, I mean."
  • "It's been six weeks since Saddam Hussein was killed by a pack of wild boars and the world is still glad to be rid of him."
  • "That movie has warped my fragile little mind."
  • "What? Fuck you guys. I wanna get out of here."
  • "I saw the __________ movie. Now who wants to touch me?"
  • "Now keep in mind, 'Operation Human Shield' will suffer heavy losses. But don't lose your spirit men! Stay until the bitter end."
  • "Ah, you'd better get packing, bitch, we're running out of time."
  • "What? No? No! You can't do that! I have to go to Earth!"
  • "Thank you Clitoris!"
  • "Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in the womb?"
  • "Man, this kid is fucked up!"
  • "Last words? How's about: "Get me the fuck out of this chair!" How's that for last words?"
  • "Did you bring the buttfor?"
  • "What, is that like finding Jesus or something?"
Just A Dream 2

Originally posted by manichero-tommy-peter

Originally posted by bornimaginary

Part 1 // Part 3

Your eyes fluttered open on their own. Glancing around you noted that you had fallen asleep on the living room couch. Yawning, you reached your arms high up above your head while pushing your legs downwards in the most delightful post-wake up stretch. With a pleasured grown, you returned to your previous position, curled up beneath a warm downy blanket. 

Peter Pan was still playing on your television, so you decided to settle in for the rest of it. That didn’t last too long. Muffled noises from above you caught your attention. You tensed immediately, brow furrowing as you sat up slowly. You turned down your television, straining your ears to hear better.

There it was. It sounded like someone, or something was rummaging around in your room. You heart sped up as fear gripped you. How in the hell had someone gotten into your second story room?! You tried to calm your racing heart as you grabbed your phone in case you needed to call 911. 

Slowly you slunk towards the staircase. You peered around the banister but saw nothing at the top. Placing your hand on the railing, you took one step forward before stalling. “Never follow the creepy noise,” you mumbled to yourself as you took another step, “Why are you following the creepy noise?” your voice was weak and frightened. There was nothing on the landing and all of the doors were closed except yours. You chewed your cheek, unsure of whether or not you had left it like that this morning.

You crept towards your door, heart hammering in your ears. Your stomach was twisted in knots as you placed your palm on the door, slowing inching it forward. You winced as the hinges made a horrid screeching sound, the hairs on the back of your neck standing on end. Peering inside, you sighed in relief. There was nothing there. “You’re going nuts, y/n,”you chuckle at yourself.

Stepping into your empty bedroom you weren’t sure of how convinced you were that what you heard was in fact imaginary. You shook off your doubt, not wanting to freak yourself out. “All safe and so-WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!” your words were cut off with a screech as a large ominous shadow manifested from behind your wardrobe. It was large and pitch black in the shape of a boy. Its eyes were holes of this glowing blue light and it terrified you to your very core. Shrinking away from this…this thing, you stumbled back into your bed frame, tumbling down on to your messy bed sheets.

You knew you couldn’t escape. The fear inside of you was overwhelming. You were frozen to your spot, eyes wide in terror as the inky black shadow crept closer and closer. You opened your mouth, inhaling deeply right before a scream ripped from your throat. The shadow flinched back, unprepared from the shriek that left your lungs. It quickly smashed its fist across your cheek, cutting your scream, and consciousness, off quickly.

The shadow hoisted you over its shoulder. It crept towards your window, taking one glance around your empty room. It saw no use for you but it supposed it could indulge Pan just this once. With that, it slipped out of your window and off into the sky, unnoticed by the pedestrians below.


Pan smiled down at your sleeping form. His fingers carded through your hair as your chest rose and fell softly. “Finally,” he sighed. No longer did he have to wonder when the next time you would come to him would be. No longer would he have to wake up in the middle of the night aching for you. No, no longer. 

Now, you were in his treehouse, wrapped up in his sheets, where you would be his Queen. “I’ve waited so long, y/n,” Pan smirked, eyes darkening with his plans for you. “And now you’re all mine.” If you had been awake, you would have shivered at his tone, and not in the good way. Pan’s voice was dark and sinister as his eyes raked your body once more. Oh yes, he had plans for you.


“Jesus H. Dick,” you groaned, rolling over in soft sheets. Your head was pounding and that simple movement, rolling from one side to the other, had caused some serious pain. “What the hell happened?” you mumbled to yourself, definitely not expecting an answer. 

“Sorry about that, Shadow can get a little aggressive,” a smooth tenor voice filtered into your ears, coated with a thick British accent. Your eyes flew open as you shot up in bed, immediately regretting that decision. “Shit!” No sooner had you sat up had you felt the impact of moving so quickly. Curling into a ball, your head fell into your hands as you furled inwards between your knees. Your head was pounding and the room was spinning. “I feel like I was hit by a semi,” you gasped, met with a light chuckle. Your stomach dropped, a piece of you having hoped that you had only imagined the voice.

“Sorry about that, love.” Once the pain began to ebb, you peeked up from your fetal position, eyes landing on a boy that seemed all too familiar. Slowly unfurling from your position, careful not to move too quickly. “Who, in the hell, are you?” you questioned, eyes narrowing, guard up. “And what are you doing in-” “My room?” the mystery boy cut you off, a shit-eating grin on his face. 

You glared, about to make a smart comment about how it was your room, until you glanced around. You were, in fact, not in your room. Your eyes grew wide as your jaw hung open. The walls were wooden with large square holes, which you were assumed were windows, covered with tattered cloth. There was a single dresser with all sorts of knickknacks; dream catchers, arrow heads, shiny rocks, gold pieces, fur hats, etc. There was a rather dingy carpet in the center of the wooden floor and then the bed where you currently resided. It was the only piece of furniture that was built professionally, although seemingly rarely used. The sheets looked, and felt, brand new, however; the thick blanket made of furs that was tangled at your feet was definitely from here….wherever “here” was.

The boy stepped forward, smirk growing as you slowly eased yourself backwards. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you,” he chuckled. You watched him warily as he rounded the bed, stopping in front of you. “Just wanted to check you’re doing okay. Shadow hit you pretty hard,” the boy smiled charmingly but it only made you even more suspicious. 

You flinched as he reached forward, and for a brief moment you saw him frown. “I promise, I’m not going to hurt you,” his voice was softer this time and so, when he reached out again, you didn’t move away. As his fingers grazed your temple, eliciting a hiss of pain, you took the time to look at him. He had a roundish face with thick, dirty-blonde hair. His eyes were large and blue, like really blue. His skin was pale with rather rosy lips that seemed so familiar. Just looking at them, you seemed to already have the taste of them on your tongue.


When Pan had reached out and you flinched, he tried not to act hurt. This was how it always was. Kids would come in their dreams and, if they truly believed, would be brought to the island. However, every single one of them was devoid of all of their memories of the island. Pan knew you would be no different but he couldn’t deny the tightening in his chest when you pulled away.

You didn’t know him. Didn’t remember him. Didn’t remember your nights together, or the games of tag, target practice…nothing. Pan’s frown only deepened when you hissed in pain, although he was pretty happy you didn’t pull away this time. He would have a talk with his Shadow. It wasn’t supposed to harm you. You probably had a concussion now!

Pan’s fingers ghosted over your cheek and into your hair. It was just as soft as he remembered. He sighed, a ghost of a smile appearing on his lips as the familiarity of this moment washed over him. His eyes roamed your face, mesmerizing each curve. He noticed you staring, realizing it was him…his lips, you were staring at. 

Pan didn’t get nervous. He never did and never would. But he did feel his heart race once your eyes momentarily met his own. He could see it, deep inside, a flicker of recognition. Your eyes bore into his own as he slowly inched forward. Neither of you broke eye contact as Pan slid his hand from your hair, to the base of your neck. He pulled you forward, heart racing in anticipation. His breathing was fast and shallow, as he kept his eyes on you, not wanting to scare you away. His lips hovered just over yours when he took the chance to glance down at your plump lips. God he missed those. He missed you.

“Pan, the Lost Boys are growing restless,” a deep voice cut into the moment, startling both the King of Neverland and his new companion. Pan clenched his jaw tightly, eyes growing dark as he pulled away from you reluctantly. “Felix,” he growled out, hardly about to control the wave of rage that flooded him at losing his moment with you. The whole point of this was so you two wouldn’t be interrupted. “Excuse me sire,” Felix apologized, kneeling nobly down on one knee. 

Pan glanced at you, trying not to lose in cool. He didn’t want to scare you. “All is well.” Pan turned to you, frowning when you wouldn’t look at him. He wouldn’t admit it, but that had hurt. “I shall be back soon. Do not leave this room,” Pan ordered before slipping out of the room with Felix. 


You sat on the bed, staring at the door that…Pan? Is that what the guy called him?….had left out of. “God, what the hell,” you sighed, letting your head fall back. This had to be some sort of dream right? Falling back into the soft mattress, you gazed at the cieling. This totally had to be a dream. You must have tripped in or room when you went to check the noise and this is some weird delusion, or maybe you were still on your couch back at home napping. One thing was for sure, there was no way in hell that you were really in some bedroom of a boy named Pan, as in Peter Pan. Nope. No way. Not in a thousand years.

5sos Preference #1 You get hit on by 1D


You and Luke would be sitting watching how I met your mother on their tour bus. Liam would come in from the 1d bus just to hangout, because he just wanted to hangout with their opening band. Liam would be in his too big, slouchy, too low sweats, and a too tight thermal. You’d start gawking at him unintentionally, because well Liam is really hot. Luke would kind of notice and hug you too him tighter, and it would snap you out of your trance. You’d focus back on the show trying to get Liam’s hot body out of your mind. Luke would go to the kitchen to get drinks and snacks for you and him, because his stomach was growling like crazy. As soon as he got out of earshot Liam would lean over to you with this dark lustful look on his face, “You like what you see?” He’d give you one of those Liam winks that could melt the iceberg that brought down the titanic. You turn a deep scarlet, and immediatly look at your hands wishing Luke would hurry up, and get back. A few more minutes passed, and Luke comes back with a two liter of coke, and like 3 sandwiches, and like three bags of chips. You start laughing, “Were you starving babe?” He just laughs and settles in next to you cuddling you the best he can while he’s eating.

*The next day*

You were sitting backstage talking to Niall while 5sos was on stage. Out of nowhere Liam comes up and sits way too close to you. You feel your heartbeat speed up. You always knew Liam had a thing for you, but you never expected him to act on it considering you and Luke were basically married. He leans in really close to you and says low, “You know babe I’d love to get you alone and just eat that ass up.” You turn an even darker shade of scarlet than you did yesterday. Right when you decided to get up you hear someone storming off. You follow the sound and find Luke in their dressing throwing anything he could find and breaking it. “…Luke honey are you ok?” He glares at you with the most rage you’ve ever seen in those clear blue eyes, now clouded with hate. “How the fuck could I be ok after seeing, and hearing that,” He said calmly, almost too calm for the scene you had just seen. “You saw Liam hitting on me and me walking away…nothing else baby how could you think I’d ever betray you like that?” The hurt in your voice normally would pierce  him like a knife, but now he just stared at you with disgust. You looked him directly in the eyes, “Luke I love you how could you think that?” “Y/N after how you looked at Liam yesterday….what else am I suppose to think…You know what I think I am done..if after 3 years in a relationship you can’t keep your eyes off other men I’m finished.” He says that so matter of factly and just walked past you leaving you to collapse on the floor of the dressing room.


Michael had just gotten home from the TMH tour, and you were so happy to see him even though you had gotten to see him for a week in the middle of the tour, but it had just been so long and you couldn’t wait to see him and his…cliffaconda. While you visited him you and Harry Styles had gotten really close and had started texting furiously. It wasn’t anything bad y’all always just talked about life. Today Harry was drunk so you weren’t texting him as much, because he always said the most off the wall un-Harry like things when he was drunk . Michael got home and gave you the biggest hug of your life. He started kissing you feverishly picking you up and carrying you to the bedroom. Kissing down your jawline down the crook of your neck, you felt yourself getting more and more aroused with movement of his lips. He whispers in your ear, “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you,” He grabs at your heat pressed against him making you moan out into his neck, “and how much I’ve missed this,” he says smugly. He carries you to the room you two share, kissing you with the most passion you’ve ever felt in your life. The two of you keep hearing your phone go off, someone was texting you every five seconds (of summer…sorry couldn’t help it). Michael goes to turn your phone off, and sees all the messages from Harry. He, being completely drunk, was sending you dirty messages and dirty pictures. They all said how much he missed you and wanted you. All of a sudden you see Michael’s expression change. You look at him concerned, “ Baby what’s wrong?” He throws your phone and it shatters on the wall. He just looks at you with the most hate you’ve seen in anyone, “Fuck you, you cheating whore piece, I’m leaving you can have your little british ‘heart-throb’ ass I’m out fuck this shit bye,” and with no more explanation than that the love of your life is gone.


“HEY BABE!!!” You hear your boyfriend yell from across the house. You two were having a party and you were trying to get the house as clean as you could, because you had some high profile guests coming over, and Calum couldn’t let you clean at all. You walk over to see what he wanted this time. You see him just sitting there playing fifa, “Yes sweetie what did you want?” He just looks at you, “I just wanted to say can I have a sandwich, “ He smiles at you so sweetly. You get a little annoyed at him. He knew you were getting ready for this party, and it was really important to you. “Babe can it wait or can you go make it for yourself you know I’m busy?” “Yes darling it can wait.” He says darling somewhat sarcastically, because he only says that when your being naggy. You roll your eyes and start back cleaning. A little time passes, and you hear a doorbell. You didn’t think it could possibly be your guest yet. You hurry to get the door, and it was just the boys. You let out a sigh of relief, “oh thank god it’s just y’all.” Michael looks sarcastically hurt, “Oh I see what we mean to you,” he fake sniffles and starts laughing. They go to the kitchen and leave what they brought to the party, Ashton brought the booze, considering he’s the only one old enough, Michael must of been reminded by the boys, because all he had was a measly bag of chips, and Luke had this elaborate looking dip, no doubt made by Liz. After they set their things in the kitchen, they go to play fifa with Calum. When the guest start arriving are the One Direction boys. You were so excited to finally meet them, you had heard so much from Calum, and they sounded like so much fun. You immediately start catering to their need, because they are One Direction and deserve it. As soon as you start giving them hor’dervs while the main course is still cooking Calum walks in, “Ohh I see how it is you can feed them, but not your starving boyfriend,” he says this kidding, but he’s been trying your nerves all day so you finally speak up. “Seriously Calum…SHUT UP! I’ve been busting my ass all day and you’ve been playing fifa and BOTHERING ME so just shut up.” and as soon as you stop speaking you hear Niall, who’s been drinking LONG before they got to your house say, “Yeah that ass you’ve been busting is a pretty nice one. You go completely red in the face, and Calum just starts laughing and give Niall a high five. You are hurt your boyfriend didn’t have anything to say for your dignity, just thought that comment was funny like a twelve year old would. You ran to your room and locked yourself in.


You were visiting your best friend at the TMHT in Sydney. Ashton is your best friend in the entire world, and you haven’t seen him in AGES because of the band, so since he was so close to home you JUMPED on the opportunity to see him. When you got there you were somewhat star struck, because you LOVED One Direction, and were surprised to see them just hanging out with 5sos like normal boys. As soon as you walked in you saw Ashtons face just light up, “Y/N OMG I’M SO HAPPY!!!!!!!” He rushes over to give you a huge bear hug. “Hi Ash I’m happy to see you too,” you laugh as you say this. Immediately you notice someone else’s stare that was locked on you, Louis from One Direction. He was your favorite and you had a HUGE crush on him. The two of you lock eyes, and there is an instant connection. The truth was you had always had a thing for Ashton, but he was like your brother and would never see you in that light, so you thought to yourself ‘why not’. After the show everyone was going to the bar, but Ashton had mentioned going back to the bus with you, he said he had a huge surprise for you, but as soon as you were headed to the bus with Ashton Louis came up to you, and he seemed really nervous, “Look I think you’re really beautiful, and I would love if you came to the bar with us….I’d really like to get to know you better,” He looked at Ashton, “You don’t mind mate?” Ashton went pale, “Umm…yeah sure that’s cool,” He didn’t sound convincing, but you figured it was because he missed you , and he’d understand because he knew how much you had a thing for Louis. You give Louis a huge smile, “Just give me a minute to get ready and we can get,” you were not dressed for a bar you were wearing sweats and a tee, because you never had to dress up for Ashton, he was happy just being around you. Ashton came in the bus in a whirlwind of furry, slamming doors and kicking things. He figured you had already came out, and was shocked when you spoke up, “Ash what happened in the last five minutes to make you so upset?” He looks at you his hazel eyes flaming with anger. “Do you know why he wants to take you out?” he asks his words dripping with rage. “Ummm maybe, because he likes me?” His face became flush as he got angrier, “No he just wants to fuck you….he wants to fuck a different girl in every city, and figured you’d be easy bait…and you know he has a girlfriend.” You almost don’t believe him, “Ashton why are you being so crazy and jealous?” You are hurt that he would act this way when he knew how much this would mean to you. He looks you dead in the eyes, “Because I love you Y/N I always have he opened his bunk and it looked as romantic as he could make it with all your favorite snacks and candy. He walks over to you in a whirlwind and takes you and starts kissing you. It was the most passionate kiss you’ve ever felt in your life. All of a sudden you hear someone walk in the bus, and you just see Louis standing there with a blank expression on his face.

Ok soo I’m thinking about doing pt. 2 to this let me know what all y’all think :D