you literally cannot hate this child

When anybody says “schools today are just too ‘PC’!”

a transcript of a dream I had about dans instagram story on phil's bday
  • dan, behind camera: happy birthday phil!!! congrats on being ancient!!!
  • phil, on couch: *laughs* shut up you child. I am wise.
  • ~
  • dan, holding camera towards himself: ok I know I already posted this morning but loOK AT THIS *turns camera to phil*
  • phil, standing next to a birthday cake that's literally three feet tall: :O LOOK AT THIS!!!
  • dan: why is your cake big enough for three football teams!?
  • phil: I should be asking you this! you ordered it! how are we going to get this to the restaurant!? wait. I know. you've hidden sarah michelle gellar inside this haven't you?
  • dan: *gives camera a pained look*
  • phil: *laughing in background as camera turns off*
  • ~
  • dan and also everyone at the restaurant: *sings happy birthday, camera is trained on phil who is smiling
  • louise in background: make a wish!!!!
  • dan, scoffing and pointing camera at louise: what could he possibly wish for? he's got me! *points camera at himself, grins cheekily*
  • phil in background: this coming from the person who didn't even give me a present.
  • dan, pointing camera at phil and zooming in: MY PRESENCE IS A PRESENT, KISS MY ASS.
  • phil, trying not to smile, making steady eye contact with camera: I'm not going to start rapping and you can't make me.
  • louise in background: *begins beatboxing*
  • martyn in background: *gently blows out phil's candle that is all but forgotten*
  • phil @ martyn: HEY WHAT ARE YOU D-
  • ~
  • dan, walking towards phil who is sitting on the couch with his laptop: philllll are you ready for your present
  • phil, looking up: I genuinely thought it was going to be buffy in the cake but it wasn't so no I don't want it
  • dan, pointing camera directly up his own nose: do you see what I deal with *points camera back at phil*
  • dog in background: makes muffled whining noise
  • phil: ...what was that
  • dan: I dunno.
  • phil: ....dan what is in the hall
  • dan: *silently films phil as he gets up and opens the door*
  • phil: OH MY GOD DAN!
  • dan: laughs really cutely
  • phil: AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • ~
  • dan, now on the couch, filming phil on the floor petting the dogs tummy: literally what did you do in the million years before I was born
  • phil: played with hamsters, mostly. I was a child.
  • dan: lies.
  • phil: dan I'm only four and a h-
  • phil: I'm naming this dog "I hate dan"
  • dan: that's stupid
  • phil: your mum's stupid
  • dan: *silently zooms in on phil's face*
  • phil, petting sleepy dog, trying not to smile, again: I hate you
  • ~
  • ~fin~


part one here. 

  • ❝ I’m a stupid fart. ❞
  • ❝ Shit I wanted to be Yoshi. ❞
  • ❝ Does Bruno Mars is gay? ❞
  • ❝ I ain’t above punching rats! ❞
  • ❝ Finally, I can water my pizza. ❞
  • ❝ I hate you, [ name ]! What have you turned me into?! ❞
  • ❝ That’s a one way ticket to FUCK YOU. ❞
  • ❝ You think I came out the pussy drawing fuckin’ Mozart? ❞ 
  • ❝ Aw I’m so tired I could fucking eat a gazelle. ❞  
  • ❝ You are uninvited for my birthday party. ❞
  • ❝ At age six I was born without a face. ❞
  • ❝ I’m a sexy widdle baby.❞
  • ❝ You’re hard to love, but you’re harder to hate. ❞
  • ❝ The tears are bittersweet but the pie is delicious. ❞
  • ❝ Taco bell can cure diabetes. You can quote me on that. ❞
  • ❝ Matter cannot be created or destroyed, you stank bitch. ❞
  • ❝ I’d fistfight literally any penguin you put in front of me. ❞
  • ❝ I still want to be your friend, even if you’re not a dinosaur. ❞
  • ❝ Don’t fucking cock tease me, broseph. ❞
  • ❝ Goddamn fucking wolf asshole piece of shit. ❞
  • ❝ Being a spider looks like it FUCKING RULES. ❞ 
  • ❝ First of all I’m not a child, I’m a princess. ❞
  • ❝ Don’t count your chickens before they egg. ❞
  • ❝ My butt is clenched as tight as it will go. ❞
  • ❝ Extra! Extra! Read all about it! [ name ] SUCKS! ❞
  • ❝ Don’t jump into a guy’s knife. It will kill you dead. ❞
  • ❝ I’m always right. Except when I’m wrong…which is often. ❞ 
  • ❝ If I was a hundred percent honest with myself then shit would suck.  ❞
  • ❝ I am not physically good at anything. Except yelling a lot. ❞
  • ❝ I’ve got reeses pieces. But I’m dead so they’re deceases’s pieces.  ❞ 
  • ❝ If there’s two things I’m down with, it’s hating tomatoes and the sickness. ❞
  • ❝ A woman’s drinking poison, wh- uh wuh how, why, eh, she dies, wh-why did she die? Show your work. ❞
  • ❝ My goal is to pee in every major body of water on Earth. ❞
  • ❝ I’m gonna fuckin’- I’m gonna open hand slap you across the eyes. ❞
  • ❝ Step on him. Step on him and crush him. Mail the remains to his family. ❞
  • ❝ You say ‘tomato’, I say ‘what the fuck are you doing in my house? ❞
  • ❝ You know what really brings me closer to my friends? Ass fucking. ❞
  • ❝ Do you think if you urinate and pre-cum at the same time it’s pre-pre? ❞
  • ❝ You can’t open up the story of my life and just fucking go to page 738 and think you know me.  ❞
  • ❝ Ronald McDonald doesn’t make me wanna eat a hamburger. He makes me wanna call the police. ❞
  • ❝ One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, am I right? Your life is my treasure. And it was trash for you. Your life is trash is basically what I’m saying. ❞
  • ❝ Are you fucking with me right now? I feel like someone’s getting fucked with and I think its me all of a sudden. ❞
  • ❝ Every titty is unique and special. And I don’t mean every PAIR of titties, I mean every titty. ❞
  • ❝ I’m having like a silent, mental breakdown. That being said I’m cool with death now. ❞
  • ❝ I like butts in general. I was gonna say I like big butts, but I just like all the butts. And boobs. And faces. I like the female form. ❞ 
  • ❝ Someone asked me what my idea of the perfect date to take a girl/guy on was, and I was like “Well…” I was like ‘I don’t know, I guess we could just, fuckin’, wander around Whole Foods long enough that we could get enough cheese samples, then we could call it a night.  ❞
  • ❝ That’s not even nightmare fuel. That’s nightmare fuel for like the nightmare bus that you drive off the nightmare cliff into nightmare canyon. ❞

anonymous asked:

I volunteer at a Petco to be in charge of caring for the cats. I REALLY hate when I am transferring the cats to a cage so I can clean their homes, and an adult women asks me if their child can carry the large black cat I have over my shoulder. There is literally a sign saying You cannot handle the cats unless you are a volunteer as patrons have been scratched before. The cat is half the kid's size too, how tf is he going to properly carry it without making the cat uncomfortable???

“NOPE! Now fuck off!”

You don’t work for them so they can’t fire you. The ones at my wife’s store (when she was in school) was the rudest bitch I have ever seen. If you weren’t a cat she treated you like shit.


Audiopost Round 2

I got tagged by @azrielsiphons, @highlady-casandra, @lronteeth, and @readinglikewildfire to do Moe’s second round of the audio… ask.. meme? what are we calling this?? lol

Also…. listening to this a second time…… I sound like I am literally on drugs. This is what I sound like on 3 hours of sleep. I listened to it and was like “…I literally disagree with myself on some of these answers??? who am i” 

Probably no one should listen to this.

  • You have one hour to spend with a member of the Inner Circle. Who and why?
  • If Aelin, Manon, or Dorian has to be sacrificed in TOG, who do you think it should be?
  • What would one hour alone with Amren be like for you?
  • Are you more of a smut fan or a fluff fan? DON’T LIE
  • Voice your feelings on Mort the doorknocker, King of Sass™
  • Fly with Illyrians or fly with the Thirteen?
  • Consider and respond to the fact that: Sam Cortland is dead (I’m sorry, I just really want to hear everyone flail in real time the way we do on the internet)
  • Describe your fav character from TOG and ACOTAR in one word.
  • What’s that one (or more) ship that everyone else loves but you just…. don’t?
  • What character do you want to bring back from the dead the most?
  • What character do you REALLY NEED A NOVELLA ABOUT RIGHT NOW?
  • What are your theories on Nesta’s favoritism of Elain over Feyre?
  • Are you looking forward to Tower of Dawn or not? BE HONEST
  • Would you ever name your child or a pet after a book character? If so, who? (Doesn’t necessarily have to be an SJM character) -
  • Did you like the ending of ACOWAR? Be brutally honest (but remain kind please).


@tntwme, @aqueenpromised, @cassianandfenrysaremyboyos, @cassiancalore, @raconteurwitch, @highladyofdreamcourt, @highladyofnorta, @propshophannah, @feysandsmut, @itsawriter, @nessiansmut, @catastrophicallyinlovewithbooks, @sparkleywonderful, @deziremyacotar, @fck-tamlin, @fuzzballsheltiepants, @vannserra, @getalittlecountry

I think I’ve figured out why Ed saying to Oswald “Love is about sacrifice” bothered me so much.

He’s right, of course. Sacrificing something willingly is one of the deepest and truest ways to prove one’s love for another. 

Asking or expecting someone to sacrifice something for you to prove their love is abusive.

I’m a slut for Nygmobblepot as much as the next person, and I love Ed dearly…and of course, I don’t think Ed was intentionally being toxic, but kids…Nygmobblepot is not the poster-child for a functioning, healthy relationship. This is Gotham.

Expectant father! Yoongi

Originally posted by sugagifs

  • wakes up and immediately rubs your belly bc ‘wow Y/N, it’s getting big I’m gonna be a great father’
  • ‘I dunno, Y/N, I’m pretty sure I hit some magical spots last night ;))))’
  • kicks him out of bed bc it’s too early for his cheesy greasiness
  • you do end up checking with the doctor anyway, just as a regular monthly health checkup, and CONGRATS!! You two are having a baby
  • even though Yoongi always seems to want a baby, you’re not sure about how he’ll respond once he finds out
  • when you two got married, he made you promise not to keep any secrets from him
  • since then, he’s always been like, ‘out with it’ whenever you seemed like something was on your mind
  • and you always did that to him too
  • although sometimes it’d get annoying bc both of you tend to have naturally worried/contemplative faces
  • whenever this happens, you’d say ‘fite me’ and he’d smirk and go ‘ok false alarm, but y’know that idea doesn’t sound half bad’
  • he’d end up tickling you for an eternity and you giggling and
  • actually that’s what happened the day before and led to what happened later that night…
  • so anyway
  • you decided that you’d tell it to him as soon as possible
  • you wait by the couch nervously, dinner already on the table, and Yoongi’s mixtape on the stereo in case you need to play it to calm him down if he gets hysterical
  • so when he comes home with some headphones around his head, mumbling the lyrics to another one of his songs
  • opens the door and tries to look for you immediately (his end-of-the-day ritual)
  • his gummy smile brightens his face when he sees you and he runs toward you with his arms out in a hug
  • what a dork
  • (but also what a cutie, you love him)
  • before he gets any closer, you quickly get up and blurt out ‘I’m pregnant’
  • which he, having headphones on, doesn’t hear and tackles you to the floor, wrapping his arms tightly around you and rolling you on top of him
  • ‘Yoongi did you hear me, i just said that I am pregnant’
  • ‘we’re having pretzels for dinner? Um ok, if that’s cool with you, but I brought chicken’ this boy smh
  • you rip his headphones off and urgently repeat, not so amused anymore, ‘Yoongi, we’re having a baby’
  • he freezes and stares at you
  • and you start to panic again bc he hasn’t been saying anything for a few minutes
  • his voice is hushed: ‘you’re having a baby?or’ he swallows thickly ‘I’m having a baby?’
  • tears are starting to stream down your face ‘I’m having the baby you dork, have you ever taken biology’
  • a huge smile breaks out on his face and he puts a hand in your hair, tugging you forward to pepper kisses all over your face, wiping your tears away with another hand
  • ‘why are you crying?’
  • ‘bc I was worried you idiot I thought you’d get angry at me’
  • he pulls you back to lock eyes with you ‘Y/N, why would I ever get angry? You’ve given me the greatest gift a woman could ever give a man’
  • you smile back at him
  • ‘a vessel to pour my hopes, dreams, and aspirations into and also a really cute mini me who I could teach to hate the things I hate.’
  • you tackle him to the floor and try to tickle him ‘THAT’S NOT WHAT BABIES ARE, YOONGI’
  • And that’s how you two end up arguing the night over what Yoongi can and cannot teach the child to hate, which culminates in the bedroom
  • ‘I knew my magical bean would step up to the job,’ he murmurs as you two fall asleep
  • you try to shove him off the bed, but he cries out that he’s the father of your child
  • next day, he’s already up and rubbing your belly with a grin
  • ‘you can’t stop me y/n you’ve got no excuses I will rub your tummy until little Mirelluna comes out’
  • ‘you’ve already named it?!”
  • ‘her. It’s a her. Her kick is as fiery as yours’ (’it’s literally been a day since I told you, how can it kick?!??!)
  • in the mornings, when he’s on his break from composing new songs, you two go to furniture stores and baby supply stores to buy a crib and some clothes
  • he always lays down on the beds to test them out himself and ends up lowkey falling asleep
  • ‘Yoongi, get off, we need a crib’
  • so he tries crawling into one of those but you stop him
  • Yoongi wants pink everything
  • ‘but what if it’s not a girl????’
  • ‘whatever, pink is for champions. Besides, I’m pretty sure I squeezed out a girl.’ You slap him for that
  • tries to convince you to put the baby’s crib into his studio in the house so that she’ll learn the beats of great hip hop artists before she can even speak
  • no
  • ‘no??!? B-but it’s her legacy….’
  • grumbles as you end up putting the crib in the spare bedroom (sneaks in a few stereos and decorates the walls with pictures of him at the genius lab and some old bandmates)
  • every day, gives you vitamins, cups of milk, and forces you to eat healthy
  • ‘Y/N, I will whoop your butt (figuratively) if you try to eat that entire bag of cheetos that is NOT good for Mirelluna, here have some celery instead’
  • really nice whenever you want to watch tv, lets you put on romcoms or corny movies that he used to openly hate
  • actually cries during (500) days of summer
  • ‘But Y/N, what if that happens to us???’
  • don’t make me kick you, you dork, I’ll always love you and your sorry butt’
  • kisses all the time
  • in the kitchen when you try to help him cook (insists he cooks bc you’re having a harder time moving about, but ends up buying takeout from his friend Jimin’s restaurant)
  • in the baby’s room while you decorate
  • actually tries to make out with you in public but you get embarrassed and stop him, which makes him sulk the whole way home
  • before you tackle him and make up for it
  • has a countdown calendar for when you’re due, marks off each day with comments about things he loves about you
  • ‘that’s so corny Yoongi when did you get this corny’
  • ‘since I married you, honey pumpkin (*you’re gagging*) deal with it Y/N you’re mine forever and I’ll love you the way I want’
  • it gets better worse each day
  • raps softly to your belly at night (maybe not your agust d mixtape yet? You swear like a thousand times)
  • when you’re finally going into labor, he’s in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti and hears you screaming for him so he rushes into the room
  • scariest he’s ever seen you, also the most swearing he’s ever heard from your kind sweet mouth
  • he’ll forgive you but files it away in case he wants to blackmail you for cuddles in the future
  • absolutely panicking, but calls Jungkook on his cell to get there asap
  • Jungkook happens to be passing by in the neighborhood (about to visit this girl he’s planning to ask out, sheesh kookie perfect timing) helps Yoongi carry you to the car
  • Yoongi drives to the hospital, sweat pouring from his face bc he’s freaking out and you’re still screaming from the backseat as Jungkook’s whimpering ‘pls breath noona’
  • feels helpless as he sits in the waiting room as you give birth, passes the time by writing lyrics onto a napkin
  • ‘she screams my name not once, but twice/while i shout out for help, advice/her cries get weaker by the hour/while i just sit, just wait, just cower’
  • he’s feeling really worried and sad
  • Jungkook, bless him, gets the boys together to come in and cheer him up and keep him company as he waits
  • ‘I brought donuts–‘ ‘NOT a good time, Tae’
  • Yoongi does take a donut but mostly just stares at it
  • Hoseok tries to distract him with stories about their time in BTS
  • ‘remember when Tae drank toilet water?’
  • Yoongi eventually cheers up and ends up laughing so hard he nearly misses he nurse calling his name
  • ‘she’s ready fo-‘ he darts inside as the boys trail behind
  • you’re in the bed, tired but holding a tiny pink infant in your arms
  • gulps, asks, ‘girl. True or false?’
  • you smile and laugh. ‘true’
  • he goes straight for your face and kisses you everywhere from your forehead to your cheeks to your nose to your mouth
  • ‘ew hyung’ Namjoon whispers
  • ‘shut up, she’s my wife, I’ll kiss her wherever I want’
  • trying to come up with names, the other boys are pitching in suggestions
  • ‘whatever it is, she’ll never be golden maknae’
  • ‘ABigail if you get my drift ehehe”  “Jimin, get out”
  • ‘Maria?”   “I actually like that, Jin. So, just Maria?” “um, Super…*whispers*Maria Bros”
  • “Namjinae?” “no”
  • “smiley sunshine?” “hoseok, that’s too corny, no.”
  • “Sia.” “like the singer, Tae?” “like that seaweed I befriended in Thailand” “tAEHYUNG NO WE ARE NOT NAMING OUR DAUGHTER AFTER A PLANT”
  • “Mirelluna. We’ll stick with that.”
  • She has your eyes and Yoongi’s smile~

blooming-blooming  asked:

9 and 22 👀

9. Most disliked character(s)? Why?

bro we could be here for days

just off the top of my head, Roger from Arc V, because god he makes me uncomfortable as fuck.  He’s a GREAT villain, but he upsets me on personal level

pretty much similar reasoning but also Mr. Heartland, only he’s not even a good villain imo he’s just a skeevy old man that i cannot believe anyone looked at and thought “yeah this is a GREAT mascot for a children’s amusement park”

then there’s some scrubs like Eita Kyuando (literally THE most obnoxious fucking child on the face of the planet and even though he’s like, twelve, I would gladly punch him in the face), Shadi (i have been over this too many times lol), Divine (FOR OBVIOUS REASONS), Amon (for also obvious reasons) and probably others but we’ll leave it there i guess lol

22. Popular character you hate?

oh no i’m gonna upset someone i can feel it ;w; preemptive warning to anyone reading that my personal feelings on people’s fave characters has no bearing on how i feel about people

anyway uh

I am not very fond of Bruno

i just did not like the way he showed up out of nowhere, immediately became Yusei’s best friend, shoved Crow and Jack out of the way and made them both look like idiots, and somehow became one of Yusei’s most important people in like…two seconds.  I didn’t….really….care…when he died………..

Also I’m not a fan of TKB tbh……?  I find him…obnoxious….and not very sympathetic.  tbh i actually hate when people spam that one quote of his from the manga “if i adhere to your idea of justice, does that make me right?” like one one hand yes, it’s a good and interesting quote but tkb also regularly murders or attempts to murder innocent people who have nothing to do with the atrocities against his people and i don’t really think he has ANY room to preach  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

thanks for the ask!

ON GRADENCE- Grindelwald!Graves and Credence Barebone

I honestly think that the fact that people ship this is fucking disgusting, even if the ship is platonic, like if you have watched the movie how can you ship this???
Even if you ignore the ending and what we find out about Graves’ identity/history, Graves’ relationship with Credence was already toxic to Credence: (includes spoilers)

Keep reading

Shadowhunters Au!

Based on the Mortal Instruments Series and tv show, I have split up a whole bunch of the characters as the different breeds of the shadowworld. Enjoy!


Suga and Daichi, parabatai since they turned fifteen and met for the first time at the Japan Institute. Daichi is technically in charge of the younger shadowhunting members on their team but lbr, Suga runs that shit. Suga is actual Izzy with less boob and more cooking skills. He also swears Daichi is an actual angel.

Lev and Yaku, newly bonded parabatai- much to the older’s eternal aggravation. Yaku is an actual boss when it comes to fighting. Lev just moved from the capitol and has the social tact of a bull. He is also full of very wrong sterotypes and prejudices Yaku is trying to beat out of him.

Oikawa and Iwaizumi, parabatai since they were old enough to do the ceremony.  Oikawa is literally Jace, hot badass who thinks far too highly of himself but is shit as emotions and the self-sacrifice poster child. Iwaizumi is his gruff  grumpy partner with a heart of gold who will shit on his life(Alec + even gayer)

Keep reading