you just can't keep it in your pants can you

Quotes from the Dad, the Trooper
  • Dad: fuck the police
  • Dad: wait
  • Dad: wait don't fuck the police
  • Dad: take the police out to a nice dinner and get to know the police.
  • Dad: you can't really fix stupid but you sure can arrest it
  • Dad: they think I'm gonna arrest them for smoking pot how cute
  • Dad: I'm just gonna take their tasty cakes cause well tasty cakes
  • Dad: can you fucking not
  • Dad: cops drink coffee cause it's dark and bitter like our souls
  • Dad: I don't understand the doughnut stereotype
  • Dad: of course I like doughnuts
  • Dad: everyone likes doughnuts
  • Dad: if you don't like doughnuts in going to arrest you for being dumb
  • Dad: that's the dumbest law I've ever heard
  • Dad: ba da da da da you're an idiot
  • Dad: you have the right to remain silent and I have the right to think you're an idiot
  • Dad: I hate people
  • Dad: if your BAC is higher than your IQ I'm arresting you
  • Dad: see it's funny cause your IQ is 0
  • Dad: put him in da river
  • Dad: wait no we don't have a river
  • Dad: uhm
  • Dad: stick him in the fridge until further notice
  • Dad: you can bitch all you want I have the gun
  • Dad: you have the right to go fuck yourself
  • Dad: that's it I retire
  • Dad: I've arrested this guy 4 times
  • Dad: for public nudity
  • Dad: how does he keep getting out?!
  • Dad: and why can't he find his pants
  • Dad: if she hadn't married me your mother would be a famous criminal master mind
  • Dad: she's a criminal master mind now
  • Dad: she's just not famous
  • Dad: cause I keep covering up her tracks
  • Dad: is this evidence I don't even know
  • Dad: that's it everyone's going to prison everyone

ziamsession  asked:

"Gotta get the man outta my hair" 😒, I wanted to ask you do you think they'll go with another cheating scandal and that he can't keep it in his pants, ugh it's so frustrating that they've done it a million times that I think they'll go for it and just pull the cheating card anytime, specially with the LM song. I'm just so sad with the picture they're painting him in 😞. I want Zayn just to go back to where he actually belongs next to Liam ❤️ *english's not my language, so sorry for any mistake*

Your English is fine babe. Wellllll, who can call it at this point? They’ve thrown a lot at us the past couple of weeks. I’m still wondering if all the talk of hacking the past few months is gonna come back and play a part in the end. Maybe some text messages or a pic or something and then finally Perrie will wise the hell up and end it. Maybe we’ll get a nasty voicemail. On the downside, more character assassinating bad narrative. On the upside Zayn talking dirty. LOL

I feel like they’ll go out with a bang because they’ve taken it this far with two cheating stories in two weeks. So I’m gonna guess three strikes you’re out or a hack type situation. They can feel free to make Liam the third strike or the dirty message recipient. 

the shoebox project sentence meme - part two
  • "Tonight's the night!!"
  • "This is a fucking disaster."
  • "Why didn't we put some kind of leash on him/her?"
  • "Stop it."
  • "Fuck you."
  • "Oh, grow up!"
  • "No one of us is any good against him/her."
  • "I think we should go."
  • "I dream of pants."
  • "We've been careless enough tonight."
  • "Can't even keep your clothes on without me."
  • "I'm too weak to hit you, that's unfair."
  • "Don't hate me because I'm so Important."
  • "That's not what your mother said last night."
  • "I should be given a medal."
  • "I'm not a corpse. Corpses don't eat sandwiches."
  • "Look, it's obvious s/he wants to look things up, so let him/her look things up, it makes him/her happy."
  • "Are we doing it?? CAN we do it?? REALLY?? PLEASE??"
  • "Please? Just one little kiss? Jesus would want you to."
  • "I won't let you tempt me into depravity and debauchery. Go away."
  • "Please tell me you're up to something that doesn't involve frolicsome revelries."
  • "You can't force the magic of Christmas on everyone, you know."
  • "S/He's inexplicable, really. Everything s/he does -- completely inexplicable."
  • "I'm going with you. You simply cannot be trusted."
  • "LESS TALK! MORE SALIVA! OR ELSE!"
  • "Stop looking so sour. Your face is going to freeze that way."
  • "You've got lipstick on your nose."
  • "I am crippled by Love!"
  • "I want to die, ______. Why can't you just let me die?"
  • "JUST CAN'T CONTAIN YOURSELVES FOR A MINUTE, CAN YOU?! HONESTLY! YOUTHFUL HORMONES!"
  • "Am I dying? Am I dead? The inside of my mouth feels like I'm dying."
  • "SO YOU SEE AGAIN I AM SAVED BY PUDDING."
  • "If you had eaten the eyeballs I would never have spoken with you again."
  • "Well I must go eat more to forget."
  • "They at least think I am the perfect picture of a little gentleman/lady."
  • "I want to bite them, which is rude and very improper."
  • "Well, I want to do something besides sit here and think about stabbing myself in the head."
  • "I've learned that you make me insane in small enclosed spaces."
  • "I am a dirty, filthy, tricky liar, like my ancestors before me."
  • "You're more dangerous than the puddings."
  • "I'll be security, then, and when you get in undesirable customers I'll leap out from behind a shelf and hit them with my bat."
  • "I'm still trying to get your saliva out of my eyes."
  • "You're just too lazy to do real work, aren't you? All talk and no delivery."
  • "You're using sarcasm as a weapon and I'm already injured."
  • "Eh. It's not like I ever had any honour anyway."
  • "No, no, I'm not laughing because it's funny. I think I'm laughing because I'm hysterical."
  • "you look as if you are in the midst of some intestinal distress."
  • "I have come to the conclusion that you have just escaped the clutches of certain death. How did it feel?"
  • "______ wants to feed me to a troll."
  • "_______, do you think I'm bad company?"
  • "Sorry, mate, I don't speak pathetic bastard. Come again?"
  • "His/Her mind says no, you see, but his/her body says yes."
  • "You stole my cake? I thought I ate it while I wasn’t paying attention.”
  • "Look at me! I am pathetic! Just teach me. I'll do anything."