THIS WAS A PROMPT BUT I FUCKED UP AND ACCIDENTALLY POSTED IT EARLY SO NOW ITS GONE FOREVER IM SORRY ANON BUT I STILL WANTED TO FINISH IT SO YE the prompt was basically innocent religious dan and phil like pines after him ; ending in sex in church bathroom and yes, you are going to hell
it’s also really long oops
Phil was fucking screwed. Never had he wanted someone so bad as he wanted Dan Howell. That boy fucked with his head and his body and his life. And he wasn’t even TRYING.
If he was trying, he was doing a damn good job at hiding it. Dan seemed completely oblivious to Phil’s attempts to win him over. The light blush on his cheeks said otherwise, but Dan ignored it completely. Dan was the goddamn priests son, but Phil liked a challenge. And this definitely was one.
Phil took another sip of the dumb nonalcoholic punch they were serving, scowling at the plastic cup. He shouldn’t be here, at this dumb church party, he didn’t have to be. It was optional, unlike the weekly services he was required to attend due to his parents getting pissed that he had defiled the school with graffiti yet again. It wasn’t that bad, he got to see Dan at least. But the only reason he was here was for him.
“Hey,” a girl spoke, interrupting Phil’s thoughts. He turned to look at her, scanning her blonde hair and plaid school uniform. Who wears a uniform to a party? Church kids, Phil figured.
“Uh, hey,” Phil responded, sounding completely uninterested, but she didn’t take a hint.
“Fun party, huh?”
Phil raised his eyebrows at her, chuckling, pulling a flask out of his leather jacket pocket and tipping the clear liquid into the cup.
“No, not particularly.”
She seemed a bit put off by that, but bounced back quickly.
“So, do you know anyone here?” She asked, her voice light and Phil swore he heard a hint of flirtiness in her tone
Phil chuckled, his eyes glinting.
“Look, sorry honey, but if you’re trying to get in my pants you might as well give up now. I like cock, dunno if your tiny brain can wrap itself around that, but the only reason I’m here is that I want to fuck Dan Howell.” He casually picked at a black nail, flashing her a tight lipped smile. “So, if you still want to bother me after that, feel free. But I’m gay as hell. Just saying.”
The girl stared at him, her eyes wide and her jaw practically hitting the ground. Phil chuckled. He loved doing that.
She let out a small squeak, whirling on her heel and rushing off. Phil shook his head.
Phil cursed under his breath as he watched her beeline straight to Dan and his group of friends at the other side of the room. Phil couldn’t hear what she was saying, but she pointed at him less than subtly. A blush appeared immediately on Dan’s face, a hand going to cover his mouth automatically. He said something, and glanced over at Phil. Phil winked, waving. Might as well commit.
Dan blushed harder, looking away immediately and pressing his hands to his clearly heated cheeks. Phil smirked. He loved how much of an affect this had on him. He was so responsive.
Phil would just have to wait until he was alone.
It was about half an hour of boredom and wanting to leave later when Dan’s friends started to leave one by one, and Phil watched them almost hungrily until the only one left was the girl who had talked to him.
Phil moved along the wall a little closer, straining to hear their conversation. He couldn’t hear her but he heard Dan say “Silvia, I’m fine, I’m just gonna help clean up. I can take care of myself.”
“Are you sure you’re okay with walking home alone?”
“Of course. It’s just a few blocks over.” He offered her a soft smile, touching her shoulder, and Phil’s heart swelled. Damn it. “It’ll be fine. I’ll see you at school, alright?”
“Alright…” she agreed hesitantly, going on her toes to give him a kiss on the cheek, rushing out of the room.
And then it was only them.
Dan cleared his throat, his cheeks beginning to redden again. “So, um, do you want to help clean up, or…”
Phil recognized the opportunity he was offering, and took it. “Yeah, sure. I’d say you’ll probably need a hand.”
Phil helped Dan fold chairs, watching him the whole time while Dan avoided his eyes.
“You look nice,” Dan commented, just being polite, but Phil snorted.
“Are you kidding? I’m wearing rags compared to you. Seriously, who wears a tie to a party in a church basement?”
Dan blushed even harder, glancing down at the black tie fastened neatly around his neck.
“Me, I guess,” he muttered, laughing awkwardly.
“Was that your girlfriend?” Phil blurted.
Dan looked at him then, eyes wide. “Who, Silvia?”
Phil nodded, and Dan laughed. Like, really laughed.
“No!” He exclaimed, shaking his head. “She’s my cousin!”
Now Phil laughed too, pushing his hair back until it sat in a quiff above his forehead.
“Oh Jesus,” he muttered. “Well, thank god.”
He expected Dan to just brush off his comment like he always did, change the subject, look away, something. He didn’t.
“Why’s that?” He asked softly, pressing his lips together and searching Phil’s face. “Why are you relieved?”
Phil shrugged, tossing a plastic cup at the trash and making it. “Because if you were with anyone else, I’d be upset.”
He glanced at Dan, smirking at the way his eyes had widened and his mouth had fallen open just slightly.
“W-Why?” Dan asked again, biting his lip and turning back to the plates he was stacking.
“Because I like you.” He shrugged, casual. “I wanna make you mine, and if people are interfering, that’s a problem, isn’t it baby boy?”
A small gasp escaped Dan’s mouth at the nickname, and Phil smirked.
“Silvia… Silvia said you…” he trailed off, chewing on his lip, his eyebrows furrowed. Phil took this opportunity to step closer.
“That I want to fuck you?” Phil asked, finishing the sentence, and Dan tensed up.
“Yeah…” he muttered, practically a whisper.
“Well, it’s not a lie.” Phil glanced at him, searching his face before turning back to the chair he was folding up. “I’ve been hitting on you for the last month, you didn’t notice?”
Dan shook his head, avoiding his gaze, and they were quiet for a moment.
“You ever kissed a boy?”
“What?!” Dan spluttered, his cheeks redder than Phil had thought possible. “N-No, of course not, I… I couldn’t.”
Phil turned to look at him, frowning, turning his whole body this time so he was facing him.
Dan faced him too, at a loss for words, his mouth opening and closing.
“I mean, I s-suppose I could but… I CAN’T. That… that’s…” he trailed off, and Phil stepped forward so he was only inches away. Dan froze, but didn’t move away.
He trailed a finger up Dan’s jaw slowly and Dan swallowed, shivering, watching its progress. “You never know if you like something until you try it, right?”
“Well I suppose, but…” Dan gasped as Phil grabbed his tie, wrapping it around his hand and pulling Dan closer.
“But…” Dan looked like his mind was going fuzzy, glancing down at the tie that Phil was holding him by and back up at Phil’s eyes, and then his lips. “I’m not gay,” he practically squeaked, his voice small.
“You never know if you like something unless you try it,” Phil repeated, slowly touching Dan’s waist with the hand that wasn’t gripping his tie. Dan didn’t move an inch as Phil leaned over, pressing his lips against Dan’s.
Phil waited a second to make sure Dan wasn’t going to pull away before reaching up to touch Dan’s chin, really kissing him. He dragged his tongue along Dan’s bottom lip, asking for entrance, rather surprised when he actually opened his mouth.
He could feel Dan’s hands shaking as they moved up Phil’s chest, sliding over his shoulders and wrapping around his neck. Phil gripped his waist, pulling him as close as possible. With one hand he tangled his fingers in Dan’s hair, kissing him deeper. He tasted like awful punch and fruit gum, and Phil was sure he tasted like cigarettes, but Dan didn’t seem to mind.
Phil backed him against the wall, kissing him hotly and letting his hands roam Dan’s body. He moved his mouth to Dan’s jaw, kissing down to his neck and nipping at the pale skin. Dan whimpered, moaning softly and tangling his fingers in Phil’s hair.
“Ah-” Dan gasped, letting his head fall back against the wall. “Phil…”
Phil pulled back, pressing his forehead against Dan’s and breathing heavily.
“Is there somewhere we could go?” Phil breathed, and he promised himself if Dan said no, or didn’t get the hint, he would give up. Dan’s brown eyes blinked at him.
They ended up in the boy’s bathroom, Phil roughly shoving him against the wall and kissing him possessively. Dan whined into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Phil’s neck and clinging to him desperately.
Phil grabbed Dan’s thigh, hooking his leg around his waist and Dan took the hint, hopping up and wrapping his legs around Phil’s waist. Phil went back to his neck, trailing sloppy kisses down to his collarbone.
He unbuttoned Dan’s shirt, loosening and removing his tie before kissing him again. He let Dan push off his leather jacket and tug his shirt over his head, tossing it aside.
Phil’s hands explored Dan’s chest, pinching one of his nipples, and Dan gasped.
“Phil…” he moaned, an indirect beg for more. Phil palmed at his bulge, feeling Dan grind against his hand desperately.
Phil picked him up, spinning them around and setting him down on the counter, tugging at the button of Dan’s black jeans. Once he got them off he flipped Dan over after pressing a kiss to his jaw, bending him over the counter.
“I’m guessing you’ve never done this with a guy before,” Phil muttered, smoothing his hand over the curve of Dan’s ass and squeezing roughly. Dan jumped.
Phil kissed the nape of his neck, pressing himself against Dan’s body. “Are you sure you want to?”
Dan let out an almost desperate gasp, his voice breaking. “Yes, yesyesyes, god just please… p-please fuck me, Phil, want you.”
Phil grunted, slapping Dan’s thigh sharply. “Jesus, you have no idea how long I’ve waited to hear you say that.”
Phil took no time removing his jeans, tugging down Dan’s boxers as well, grinding his still clothed bulge against Dan’s ass. Dan moaned, reaching back and grabbing Phil’s hips, pulling him closer.
Phil’s boxers were off in a second as well, skin rubbing against skin. Dan pushed his ass back; he was a needy bottom and Phil fucking loved it.
Phil held two fingers to Dan’s mouth, motioning for him to open. Dan sucked on the fingers obediently, slicking them up with spit.
“This might hurt a little,” Phil muttered, rubbing Dan’s entrance with one finger. “Tell me to stop if you need to, alright?”
“Mhm,” Dan agreed, pushing his ass back again. Phil slapped it and Dan yelped, pulling forward again.
“Don’t be a needy bitch, Dan,” Phil growled, pushing the first finger into Dan slowly. Dan moaned.
“S-Sorry, sir-” he gasped.
Phil took his time stretching him; considering it was his first time he didn’t want it to hurt too bad. Dan flinched away at first but soon he was whining and grinding back on Phil’s digits. Phil moaned just at the sight, he never thought he’d have him like this.
Finally he pulled out, holding his hand up to Dan’s face again and instructing him to spit. Dan did as he said, and Phil slicked himself up with that as well as precum that was already forming on the head of his swollen cock.
“Ready?” He breathed, pressing his whole body against Dan’s and leaning over him to kiss his neck. Dan whined.
“Yes, yes sir, please, I’m ready, I need you.”
Phil hummed in approval; he loved how quickly Dan had changed from a good little church boy to a desperate slut with just a little kissing.
Phil pushed in slowly, taking his time in edging into Dan, which took an incredible amount of self control on his part. Finally he bottomed out, kneading Dan’s ass in his hands. Dan was a mess beneath him, whining and whimpering at every movement, conflicted between pushing back and pulling away.
Phil reached up, tangling his fingers in Dan’s hair, giving it a soft tug and driving a whimper out of Dan’s pretty mouth.
He began to thrust, pulling almost all the way out and pushing back in slowly, Dan gasping every time he did so. Phil snapped his hips roughly without warning, thrusting hard, and Dan cried out.
“Fuck!” He practically shrieked, a loud feminine moan falling from his mouth.
“You’re a loud little slut, aren’t you?” Phil panted, groaning as he thrust roughly again. Dan let out a high pitched whine.
“Fuckfuckfuck p-please, fuck, harder…”
Phil obliged, driving his cock deeper into the whimpering boy, skin slapping on skin echoing through the room. Phil tugged on Dan’s hair again, watching his face through the mirror, and fuck he could cum just from that.
Dan’s lips were swollen, his cheeks red and flushed, his hair messy and his eyes glazed over with need. Phil groaned, snapping his hips.
Phil knew he had hit Dan’s prostate when he screamed, a loud “FUCK, PHIL” bouncing off the walls. Phil smirked, angling his thrusts to hit that spot.
“This is a sin, you know,” Phil growled, reaching up to cover Dan’s mouth with his hand as he fucked into him harder. “Such a filthy fucking sinner for me, princess, ruined on my cock.”
Dan’s desperate muffled moans against his hand were pushing him to the edge, that and his tight heat encasing Phil’s cock. Phil smirked.
“Such a pretty fucking sinner too, isn’t that right? All for me. Your tight ass is all mine, yeah?”
Dan didn’t answer, continuous moaning falling from his mouth, muffled by Phil’s hand. He just nodded frantically, his moans sounding close to sobs.
Dan came after a few more thrusts all over his stomach, white streaking the counter under him and he whimpered, now sensitive to Phil’s cock pounding into his prostate every thrust.
Phil pulled out, quickly tugging Dan to his knees in front of him, guiding his cock to his lips. Dan took it obediently, lowering himself on Phil’s length. Phil groaned, tangling his fingers in Dan’s hair and fucking his throat as gently as he could. Dan gagged, digging his fingernails into Phil’s hips, and that was all it took. Phil came down his throat, keeping his cock still until he was sure Dan had swallowed all of it.
He helped Dan to his feet, holding him steady because it was clear he was close to falling over.
Dan just stared at him, stunned, watching as Phil casually got dressed. After he was clothed he cleaned Dan’s stomach and the counter with a paper towel, tossing it in the trash.
He grinned, kissing Dan’s cheek and backing towards the door, winking.
Is it me, or did Pidge have a little crush on Lance? I think I might have little proof but, opinion please?
She might have??? Or she might have not, it totally depends on how you want to see it (though I guess that’s true for all ships). Her reaction when he surprised her in s1e1 was positively adorable:
“Oh! Lance!” *quickly sits up straight again*
And she was super proud of the tech she built around him… look at this:
“I built it.” *annoyedly slaps hand away* *turns towards lance again and keeps smirking*
She listened to Lance and allowed him to shut her up when Iverson attacked her/the Kerberos mission, something that she didn’t allow Keith or Allura to do when she got in a fight with them over wanting to leave for her family:
And allows him to touch/use her stuff, something that Hunk wasn’t allowed to do (she also lent/gave him her headphones in episode 2):
And she got super frustrated when Lance talked about this Keith guy she had never heard of before and didn’t provide any explanation:
And that’s just the very beginning of episode one. I won’t keep analyzing the rest like this but she was stuck to the front of the healing pod when Lance was in it, blushing:
And after Lance got out of it, she “sat down” at the table next to him. Except. She didn’t sit. She stood. She stood, do you have any idea how uncomfortable it is to stand like this for as long as it presumably took for Lance to finish that meal??
She is leaning forward, bracing herself on her elbows, her feet aren’t fully on the ground. That’s not a comfortable position, my best guess is that she wanted to be close to him after seeing him injured without crowding/overwhelming him.
She also gets annoyed when he flirts with someone and repeatedly goes on missions/hangs out with him (the Beta Traz thing obviously, that one time on the Balmera, the Space Mall episode…). I have no troubles seeing a possible crush here, but as always, it depends totally on your own interpretation^^
Infinite AU Social Media Posts: Riley’s outfit for the night
Side Note: Do you guys like me posting these visual tie-ins to the fic? Be honest…anon is on in my ask box if you wanna be anon. I haven’t done one in a really long time, but it’s mainly because it took me a long time to find the perfect visual for what I had in mind for her dress. I have a few others, but I really don’t know if I’m being super annoying with these or not. So let me know?
Y/N: that was amazing.
C: did it hurt? I’m sorry if it did.
Y/N: no I’m good, so good.
C: you want to put clothes on before someone comes home and sees us?
Y/N: good idea. *gets up with a struggle*
C: you alright? want some help?
Y/N: just a little sore but yeah.
C: *gets dressed then helps you* you’re beautiful you know that?
Y/N: I sure do.
C: I’m supposed to be the cocky one.
Y/N: no one told you to go soft Gallagher.
C: oh shut up and let’s go down stairs I’m thirsty.
Y/N: we know.
*walk down stairs*
I: took you guys long enough to finish.
M: and me you little runt!
Y/N: oh no.
C: how long have you guys been here.
M: long enough for me to whoop your ass.
C: what why?!
M: you fucked my little sister!
C: she’s my girlfriend!
M: you took her fucking virginity.
Y/N: hey how do you know I was a virgin?
M: you walked down the stairs like you had a rod up your vagina!
I: Carl nows not the time.
M: Gallagher you have 10 seconds to run.
C: no this is my house and my girlfriend!
C: all I did was have sex with my girlfriend it’s not that serious.
Y/N: Mickey calm down!
I: Micky it’s not that serious they used protection, right guys?
Y/N: yeah of course.
C: he’s serious?
Y/N: Carl run!
C: *runs out the door.
M: *runs after him*
Y/N: this is our life now.
I: we really know how to choose them. *shakes head*
The dazzling shine of the car is what first catches your attention, but it’s your curiosity that draws you to it. You feel almost compelled to approach the silent, sleek sports car that rests along the side of the steet, illuminated by the nearby streetlights. You’re certain that you’ve never seen this car before, and that puzzles you to no end. You live on this street, after all, and to your knowledge none of your neighbors had gotten a new car. You didn’t recognize it from anywhere else in town either, and with how small a place Jasper is, you’re sure you’d remember a car as nice as this one if you had ever seen it around.
Requested by @fuckkoffcourtney love the username btw haha, this will have a part 2 but it is yet to be written, sorry for not posting for the past 2 days, my depression struck and I lost myself, but I’m back, thanks everyone who had been reading my other posts and following me! You are all angels and I hope to keep pleasing you with more, so without further ado I hope you enjoy and as always thank you for reading ♡
A beep sounded outside my house so I quickly grabbed my
backpack running outside to Zach who was waiting for me in his car, I jump in
and he smiled at me before driving off to school. Usually Jeff would pick me up
but he had gone to school way earlier to practice for the baseball game after
school today, and although I wanted to be there for him for encouragement, I
just couldn’t force myself to wake up that early.
Zach and I arrived at school, I kissed his cheek thanking
him and got out smiling when I saw my boyfriend waiting for me in front of the
school with open arms, I instantly ran into them, latching myself onto him as I
kissed his face whispering I love yous to him. He chuckled and securely held me
in his strong arms as I showered him with love, I finally stopped kissing his
face and softly cupped his face to kiss him deeply, Jeff kissed back and I
gasped as his hand clenched my ass, I quickly pulled away and brought my legs
down remembering we were in school.
However, Jeff wasn’t very happy with the loss of contact,
“Baby” he whined but I just intertwined our fingers and pull him
inside school to our lockers.
Jessica stood next to mine and gave me a quick hug before
asking me how was my weekend while Jeff went to greet Justin and Alex, I opened
my locker to get out the books I needed for first period and smiled at the
pictures covering the inside of my locker, many of them were Jeff and I but
there was a few with our group.
Summary: Don’t let go of him. He needs you. He wants
you stay, but he doesn’t know how to say it.
Angst, all that good shit, it’ll end with a sort of cliffhanger idk i like to call it an interpretive ending but whatever floats your boat, also the obvious language warnings and mentions of baby buck not being okay :-(
Count: 9.1k (i’m SORRY)
so, again, thank you to my inspo tag bc I saw this quote and it’s been churning
in my head for so long but I’ve never had the chance to actually sit down and
write it. This literally took me a full year to write so let’s see how it goes
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Also this could possibly go into a part two if you guys want it. I have an idea for it but if people want to use their imagination to create their own ending then by all means! Anyways, feedback is more
than welcome and please leave requests; I’d love to see what you guys want to
It’s funny how easily someone’s world can come crashing
down. How easily the bright colors that once painted your world turn to an
ashen gray within a few short minutes. It’s sickening that love can raise you
up to the sky and show you the world and the beautiful blues and golds of the
sky. It’s intoxicating how drunk you feel off of the beauty and the glory of
having it all, of seeing it all. How
warm you feel, how weightless and limitless, like you’re the air. Twisting and
turning, light and free. Young and spirited, wild and reckless and untamed.
Poets, authors and painters convey love with the prettiest
words and the lightest shades of pink and yellow and white. They romanticize
the fall, the moments before the leap and how wonderful it feels when you
What they never tell you about is after the fall.
When you land. When you hit the ground so hard you feel
yourself slip away for a little bit, your head spinning and you’re grasping for
that feeling to be light again. They never tell you about how tight your chest is
and how much it fucking hurts, like you’re
bleeding yet desperately trying to sew yourself back together at the same time.
No, they never tell you about after the fall. Because
where’s the romance in that? Nobody wants to write about the hardships, the
pain and emptiness. Nobody wants to look at a painting splattered with red and
black and the darkest purples. Where was the beauty in that?
There was no beauty. There was nothing to put on a pedestal,
nothing to turn into a pretty picture with a smiling face. All that is left are
cracked smiles and bruised knuckles and whispered hopes of trying, begging for an answer. There is no
beauty in stained cheeks and watery eyes. There is no romance in a broken chest
and empty lungs.
Beauty is pain, perhaps, but pain is not beauty.
Pain is not painted with flowers and rich silks and velvet
trim. Pain is lurking in the shadows, the silent master that waits patiently
for its turn to remind you that beauty is not everything, that love is
misconception, confusion and a liar. Pain is the reality that you refuse to
believe in when you’re suspended in the clouds.
And how stupid was I, how naïve I was to believe I could
escape reality. That I could live in my
pretty little painting. Idyllic and serene and fashioned perfectly to what I
wanted. Created by my own fantasies and selfish heart, my pretty little
painting. My perfect world. Gone, without a warning and without a sign.
Beauty is pain, but pain is not beauty. And how I wished I
had realized that sooner.
I stared at the wall; the blank white wall was all I saw. I
focused on the chipped paint and tried to regulate my breathing.
The apartment was quiet. Deadly silent, not even my own
breathing could be heard.
clang of a coffee mug meeting the edge of the counter jolted me from my sleep.
The string of curses that followed forced my eyes open as I tried to curl
deeper into the mattress. Sleep seemed to evade me as the strong scent of
crushed coffee grounds filled the apartment, followed by a low whistle that
didn’t follow a tune but was catchy in its own way.
stayed in bed until the heavy footsteps and continued whistling drew closer to
morning,” a deep voice broke through the last of the drowsy haze that covered
my eyes. I ran my eyes over the low slung sweatpants and loose gray shirt, the
scoop neck revealed the slight swell of his pecs. When I finally met his piercing blue gaze, my
heart stuttered wildly in my chest and judging by the smirk on his face, he
could hear it.
answered in a soft voice, completely anticlimactic but it was all I could
muster. He chuckled and bent down, pressing a soft kiss to my temple. He
brushed the hair from my neck, the warm skin of his palm elicited goosebumps
over my arms.
you coffee,” he murmured as his thumb traced my jaw.
hummed. “I know, I heard you.”
winced and I couldn’t help but laugh as I sat up, letting the comforter slide
from my shoulders. I crossed my legs as I took the coffee mug from the bedside
table and took a tentative sip, careful of the steam that curled from the rim.
His hand slid from my neck to my shoulders then dipped beneath my shirt to
trace my spine. I watched him, amazed how the sun light reflected in his eyes
and how warm his skin looked.
you stay?” I whispered as I glanced at the clock. He usually had to leave me
early in the morning, most of the times before I woke. It was rare for him to
stay past nine. I was lucky if he even stayed until nine.
smiled, soft and apologetic as he kissed my lips briefly, humming that silly
little tune under his breath.
for a little bit,” he replied but I nodded anyways. I took what I could get it.
So we sat as I drank my coffee and chatted aimlessly, stopping every now and
then for a lazy kiss. He made me laugh so hard I spilled coffee onto the white
sheets of the bed, but I didn’t care. I saw it as another memory, a little
when he took my mug back into the kitchen, he was still whistling that tune,
quietly but it reverberated throughout the apartment until the birds outside
were singing along too.
There was no whistling now. No humming. No empty coffee mugs
and no chatty birds. There was nothing.
I turned my head away from the wall and immediately my eyes
fell to the droplets of coffee, still stained on the sheets of the bed. They
hadn’t gone away, no matter how many times I washed the sheets. But I hadn’t
minded then, I had liked knowing that they would always be there. The faint
coffee smell always sent be back to that morning, that little slice of heaven.
Now it seemed to be taunting, reminding me of everything good that I had lost.
“I’ll kill him,” a voice spoke from the doorway. I chuckled,
but it was humorless.
“No, you won’t,” I whispered. I tried to take my eyes away
from the drops of faint brown, but I couldn’t. I could feel his lips on my
forehead, temple and lips. I could feel the giddiness in my stomach and the
fluttering in my chest. I felt it all.
“No, you’re right.” There was dip as the mattress moved to
accommodate the extra weight. “That would be too easy. We need a better plan.”
I smiled but it felt wrong. There was a flash of red in my
peripheral as a head came down to rest on my shoulder. A sigh rattled through
my body as a fresh wave of tears threatened to consume me again but I fought
them. I wouldn’t cry. Not again.
“I’ll be fine, Nat.” It sounded like I was trying to
convince myself more than I was trying to convince her. Perhaps I was.
“Sure you will,” her voice had an easy confidence to it,
something I wished I possessed. “But you’re not fine now. And that’s okay.”
I shook my head as I shrugged her off and pressed the heels
of my palms into my eyes. “What a way to end the week,” I chuckled bitterly as
my palms became slick with tears. Natasha laid a gentle hand on my back and was
silent. She didn’t try to assure me that everything would be okay, that the
world would answer my prayers that this day would end and the next day would be
better. She knew. She knew how easily fate switched hands.
She knew what I knew, except she accepted it long before I
I gripped my umbrella tightly as the rain pattered against
the polyester, the cool air bit at my cheeks as I waited at the crosswalk. It
seemed the white man would never appear, just the harsh red hand telling me to
stop. I sighed and tucked myself tighter into my coat as I allowed my eyes to
gaze out to my surroundings until the fell upon a flower shop that acted as a
coffee shop too. The faint scent of coffee and buttery scones caused a harsh
ache to flourish in my chest.
how much sugar do you take?” He raised an eyebrow at me as I sat idly in one of
the wrought iron chairs. The air was clear and the sun was strong as the bustling
streets of Brooklyn seemed like an afterthought as I stared at him.
to make me happy,” I shot back. He shook his head but I could see the smile
across his face as he made his way back to the counter to get me more sugar
know this shit is fake, right? This isn’t what real sugar tastes like.”
me. Did I judge you when you tore through that whole pack of gummy worms last
night? No. So let me use my fake sugar in my coffee.”
smirked and handed me the pink packets. He sat down and picked off a piece of
blueberry muffin and popped it into his mouth. He was beautiful. Mahogany hair
pulled into a loose bun as his strong jaw worked at the muffin. I hid behind my
coffee cup to hide my blush as the sweetness nearly burned my throat. Perfect.
here,” he said as he abruptly stood up. I didn’t even have a chance to question
him nor remind him that I couldn’t go anywhere since he was my ride. Instead, I
waited while I sipped away at my coffee and people watched. I wasn’t sure how much
time had passed when I heard a distant pair of footfalls become louder. I
turned my head and saw him walking towards me, a single rose clutched in his
you,” he murmured. My heart nearly fell out of my chest as I gasped softly. He
normally didn’t do romantic gestures. He wasn’t a hearts and flowers kind of
guy. Any sort of affection I got was behind locked doors where no one would see
the flower, afraid if I reacted to quickly the moment would shatter. The faint
scent tickled my nose and I couldn’t help but smile. A hand cupped my cheek
gently, his thumb brushed over the rise of my cheekbone. It was fleeting, it
was quick, but I felt the burn for hours after.
you stay?” I whispered, staring into his bright blue eyes and begging for a
different answer. His smile was forlorn as his eyes flickered to the rose, then
for a little bit,” he murmured then took the empty sugar packets in his hand
and turned on his heel to throw them out.
just like that, the moment was gone. Nothing but a memory and a rose to remind
me that it was real.
I turned my head away, cursing the burn in my eyes. It had
been two weeks since I had last cried over him and I refused to break that
streak. I was finally doing better. I
finally buried the pain deep enough so that it didn’t matter anymore.
The red hand changed to the white man and the crowd around
my pushed me forward, leaving the memory behind me as the dismal rain pattered
against my umbrella.
I moved four months after he left. The apartment was too
suffocating; too much of him was left. Every time I stepped outside the streets
of Brooklyn reminded me of him. I couldn’t turn a corner without seeing
something that made me think of him. When my job had an opening in Boston, I pounced
immediately and without a second thought I told my landlord I was leaving that
month and paid the last of my rent.
“I wish you weren’t leaving.” Natasha frowned as I zipped up
my suitcase, having to sit on the top due to the amount of clothes I had
managed to stuff inside.
“Hey, it’s not forever,” I assured her as I rolled the
suitcase out to the living room. “It’s like, a two hour ride in the jet, if
that. I’m sure you’ll find some way to stop by after every mission.”
“He misses you,” she whispered and I froze as my heart
crunched painfully in my chest.
“Nat, don’t.” I stalked into the kitchen and began to close
the boxes filled with plates and cups.
“I know he’s why you’re leaving,” she murmured as she
followed me. I recoiled like she had stuck me with a hot iron. “I know the job
in Boston is good, but you don’t have to go. You don’t have to leave.”
“Yes I do.” I turned to face her. Her eyes regarded me with
a soft sadness that made my mouth dry and my throat clench. “There’s nothing
here for me, Nat. I came to Brooklyn for him. He’s gone. There’s no reason for
me to stay.”
“If you just talked–”
“Natasha,” I finally snapped. I cursed the break in my voice
as I turned my face away.
She sighed reluctantly and walked forward. “I know, I’m
sorry. It’s just – I don’t want you to leave. You’re like my sister, y’know?”
I smiled and felt a surge of gratefulness for her and flung
my arms around her. She stiffened but relaxed a bit as she wrapped her arms
around me. “I’m not far. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
“I know. I’ve tried.” She smirked as I feigned offense. And
just like that, the playful atmosphere returned but neither of us could ignore
the taste of bitterness that tinged the air around us.
Mornings were not my thing. They weren’t something I avidly
wanted to be a part of, especially on the weekends. So when some unseen force
woke me up at seven on a Saturday morning, I was anything but happy. Yet, sleep
evaded me and with a frustrated groan, I kicked off the covers and made my way
into the kitchen. When I turned on the light, a scream forced itself out of my
mouth when I caught a glimpse of the figure sitting at the breakfast bar.
“Hey,” the voice said, unphased and I immediately clutched
my chest as I glared at the shadowy form.
“What the fuck
Steve. Couldn’t you have knocked?”
Steve shrugged as he leaned forward. His blonde hair was
limp against his forehead and his skin was paler than normal. “Didn’t want to
“Oh, so sneaking into my apartment is your next best
option?” He shrugged again and I rolled my eyes. “You Avengers need to learn a
thing or two about privacy, Jesus.” Scowling, I stalked to the cabinet and
pulled out a mug. “Coffee?”
I pulled out another and went to my Keurig and powered it
on. “So, to what do I owe the pleasure?” I asked as I stopped by the
refrigerator to grab the creamer.
“Nice place you have here.” Steve ignored my question as he
glanced around my apartment. “Boston suits you.”
I nodded as I narrowed my eyes, trying to figure out his
play. “Yeah, I love it here. It’s peaceful.”
His eyebrows flickered up before the settled back down and
he stared at the Keurig. He looked haunted. I frowned at his gaunt expression
and turned to the Keurig and inserted Black Silk and slid his cup beneath the
spout and pressed a few buttons and soon coffee was pouring into his cup. I
knew how he took his coffee I had made it for him only how many times at the
Facility. As soon as the coffee finished, I added creamer and one sugar before
stirring idly and slid the mug to him.
He nodded his thanks and wrapped his hands around the mug. I
saw the slight tremble to his fingers as he gripped the ceramic and I frowned
“Steve,” I murmured. “What’s going on?”
He flicked his eyes up and seemed surprised for a moment. “I
forgot how perceptive you are. Bucky always loved that about you.” I winced at
his name and immediately turned my head to the floor. Steve sighed and set down
his cup and rubbed a hand over his weary face. For the first time, he looked
his age, 98 years old and tired of the world. “Something’s happened. Things
aren’t so good…at the facility,” he muttered and my blood ran cold. I gripped
the edge of the counter as I struggled to remain composed.
“She’s okay, it’s not her,” he assured me quickly and I
visibly relaxed. “She wanted to be here but she had to stay.”
I furrowed my brow as I stared at Steve, my brain turning to
try and keep up. “What happened? Why couldn’t she be here?”
Steve swallowed as his shoulders hunched forward. “She had
to watch Bucky.” His voice was so quiet I could barely hear him.
“Watch Bucky?” His name felt weird against my lips. It was
the first time I had spoken his name in months and automatically I felt
something stir deep inside me. “Steve, what are you trying to tell me? What’s
Steve stared at the creamy liquid inside his mug. When his
eyes finally met mine I was shocked at the pain that swam in the blue irises.
“Bucky…he’s lost it. He, I don’t…I don’t know what to do.”
My heart shattered for Steve as I saw the hopelessness weigh
him down and gray his features. “Steve…” I whispered softly.
“He’s just…he won’t eat. He won’t sleep, he won’t talk to
anyone. He hasn’t left his room in two weeks. Nothing I say matters. It’s
the…this is the worst episode he’s ever had. I’ve never seen him like this in
Tears pricked my eyes as I rounded the breakfast bar and
collected Steve into a hug. He didn’t relax. His shoulders still tense but he
let me rub his back. “I’m so sorry, Steve. I am.” I sighed softly as I pressed
my cheek to his hair. “I don’t know what to tell you Steve, you know how he
gets. There’s nothing you can do, nothing any of us can do.”
“Yes there is,” he whispered and pulled back as he stared at
me. Instantly, I knew what he was going to say and I began shaking my head.
“Please, listen. Please,” he begged. “He needs you. He’s
not…he hasn’t been the same without you.”
I shook my head again, this time more adamant. “He doesn’t
need me,” I whispered.
“He does. He’s…he
does, believe me, please.” Steve sighed and carded his hand through his hair
roughly. “I can’t…I can’t help him. I can’t say anything, I can’t do anything.
But if you…if you could just see him, just talk to him. Maybe–”
“I’ll make it worse.” My voice was hollow and it didn’t
sound like me. “I promise Steve, I’m the last person you want there.”
Steve growled as he glared at me, years of pain burned in his eyes. “Don’t you
see? He’s not…he’s not Bucky. He’s
pretended that he’s been fine but he’s not.”
“Don’t abandon him, please. Don’t. Not now, please.”
“Abandon him?” I
laughed. It was humorless and empty as I backed away from Steve. “He’s the one
who left me, Steve. You don’t…you have no
idea what he said…”
I called out when I heard the front door open. “I’m making dinner, hope
you’re–” My words died in my throat when I heard the dorm slam shut again, the
force shook the apartment. I froze and listened as heavy feet stormed from the
door into the kitchen. I turned and saw his face, brooding and dark and I knew
it was going to be one of those nights.
was training?” I tried. He ignored me as he strode to the fridge and ripped
open the door nearly taking it off its hinges. He peered inside then scowled
heavily before slamming it shut again. He didn’t offer me a glance as he
stalked out again. I sighed heavily as I stirred the pasta and put the lid on.
My first instinct was to run after him but I knew that wouldn’t do me any good.
When he got in these moods, the only thing I could do was give him his space
until he calmed down enough to come out.
dinner by myself and stowed a plate for him in the microwave. I cleaned the
dishes and went through a movie before I looked at the clock and realized it
was past ten and he still hadn’t made an appearance. With a resigned sigh, I
steeled my nerves and approached the bedroom door. Slowly, I creaked it open
and found him lying on the bed face up. His hands clutched the sheets so
tightly I could see the tears in the fabric and the whole room crackled with
I murmured. “Your dinner’s cold.”
care,” he muttered and I tried not to flinch. I hated when he got this. Angry
at everything but most of all, angry at himself.
you do,” I said as I closed the door behind me. I stepped forward until I could
sit down on the bed, careful to keep my distance. “Bucky, what’s going on?”
I whispered. “I hate seeing you like this.”
laughed and I looked up. I wished I hadn’t. There was so much anger trapped in
his blue eyes it made my skin crawl. “And what, you think I like being like
this? You think I enjoy doing this?”
not what I meant and you know that,” I protested. He snarled as he sat up and
the sheets tore with him.
what did you mean? You hate this part of me? Is this not good enough for you?
Sorry love, this is who I am. Can’t always please you, can I?”
the hell are you talking about?”
it,” he snapped as he swung his legs over the side of the bed and clutched his
head in his hands. My heart cracked in my chest as I watched his shoulders
shake from the tremendous weight that constantly threatened to suffocate him.
“You can’t fix me. I can’t be saved,” he muttered.
I don’t want to fix you. There’s nothing to be fixed.”
he spat. “You know damn well I’m as fucked up as anyone. That’s why you’re
here. You want to help me, make me better. Change me. I can’t change, can’t you
see that? Can’t you understand?”
don’t want you to change, can’t you see that?” I met his eyes as I begged him to understand. “I want to
help you, please, let me.”
me?” He scoffed. “Help me?
You can’t help me, you don’t understand. You’ll never, ever understand.”
help me understand,” I shot back as I leaned forward. “Let me in, please Bucky.
Don’t try to do this yourself, please.”
don’t get it,” he sneered as his upper lip curled. “You come from a perfect
fucking world. A perfect fucking family, white picket fence and everything.
You’ve got your perfect fucking friends and your perfect fucking job. You don’t
know a thing about what I go through, you don’t know jack shit. Stop pretending
you understand because you don’t.”
in silence as his words lashed out like a whip, scalding over my face. “You
don’t mean that,” I whispered.
think so?” He growled as he stood up abruptly, his blue eyes like ice as he
vibrated with anger. “You think I need you? You can’t do anything for me,
you’ve never been able to help and you never will. I don’t need you, I’ve never
stop,” I pleaded. This wasn’t him. This couldn’t be. I’ve never seen him this
angry, never in my life.
know what? Forget it.” He whirled around and stormed out of the bedroom. I sat
in shock, my eyes wet with tears without even realizing it. I listened as the
door was thrown open and winced as it slammed shut and shook the apartment. In
the silence that followed, I crumpled onto the bed and gripped the holes he had
made in the sheets as I tried desperately to control my breathing.
It’s not real, he didn’t mean it. It’s just a dream, it’ll
be okay, I thought to myself like a
mantra but the more I said it the less I believed it.
you stay?” I whispered into his pillow as tears burned against my skin.
silence that followed was the only answer I needed as I finally let the sobs
rack my body.
“He needs you,” Steve whispered and I shook my head. I knew
I was crying, I couldn’t help it. The memory of the night burned like a fresh
“Believe me when I
say this, he doesn’t,” I whispered as I backed up against the counter. The
Keurig was hot behind me but I ignored it.
“He keeps asking for you,” Steve said and I closed my eyes
at the fresh pain the flared in my chest. “Every time…every, every day. He
always asks for you. And then – we have to tell him that you’re not there. And
he just…he just breaks and I don’t know what to do.”
“He doesn’t know what he’s saying,” I whispered as I looked
at Steve. “You know that, when he has his episodes he’ll say whatever comes to
Steve shook his head adamantly. “Not now. He begs for you,
he needs you. Please, don’t let him
go. Please. He needs you, he misses you so much.” He held his hand up when I
tried to interrupt and I reluctantly kept it shut. “I know, I know what he
said. He told me and so did Nat. He hates himself for it, every day he blames
himself for making you leave. He’s scared. He’s so scared and he doesn’t know
what to do but he needs you. Please, don’t let him go. He just…I know what he
said and I know it hurt more than anything. But don’t give up. Not yet.”
I was really crying now and I furiously tried to wipe my
eyes as I shook my head. “Steve, I…I can’t, you know I can’t.”
“Is there anything I can do to make you say yes?” Steve
leaned forward and just the look on his face made me want to climb onto the
quinjet. “Please. He’s my best friend…I can’t, I hate seeing him like this.
You’re the only one who made him better.”
I bowed my head and watched as my tears splashed against my
leg. “Steve…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But I can’t do anything. I know he says he
needs me but…you don’t understand, he doesn’t…it’s not like that anymore.
Maybe…maybe I’ll come when he’s calmer, when he’s out of his episode. But not
now, not when he’s so vulnerable. I can’t do that to him, I can’t.”
Steve sighed and nodded gravely as he stood up and set his
mug into the sink. He turned to me and enveloped me into a strong hug, a hug I
hadn’t realized I needed until I was in it. I took in a shaky breath as Steve
squeezed my shoulders. “You’re the only one he’s ever truly loved,” he
whispered and my chest cracked open as I held back the hard sobs. He stepped
back and gave me a sad smile and I could see in his eyes that he was trying to
understand. That walking away right now was the last thing he wanted to do.
“Please…think about it. That’s all I ask.”
I nodded and watched as he turned his back and disappeared
out the window, the distant purr of the quinjet was what I heard before I
sagged against the kitchen counter and cried harder than I had over the past
It had been two days since Steve had come to my apartment
and our conversation was all I could think about. I tried to move on. I tried
to shake off his words. But they were like a mantra in my head that never went
best friend, please.
the only one he’s ever loved.
And the more his words repeated in my mind, the more my
resolve began to crack until finally I found myself purchasing a plane ticket
and arriving at New York.
I approached the facility late at night, the lights still
blazed despite it being close to midnight. With a sigh and fear clenching my
insides, I strode through the front door and walked up to the security desk.
The security guard was flicking through the CCTVs with a bored expression when
I approached him.
“Sorry miss, no visitors at this hour,” he drawled as he
kept his gaze fixated on the computer screens.
“I’m…um, I’m here to see Captain Steve Rogers?”
“No visitors at this hour,” he repeated again, monotone. I
sighed and gripped the counter to hide my frustration.
“I need to see Steve Rogers. It’s important.”
“No visitors at this–”
“Oh for Christ’s sake,”
I muttered as I whipped out my cell phone. The guy didn’t even acknowledge me
as I dialed Natasha’s number.
“Romanoff,” she replied in a brisk voice though I could hear
the exhaustion that dripped behind the cold voice.
“Nat, it’s me.” I eyed the guard as he still dutifully
ignored me. “I’m here, at the facility. Where are you?”
“What?” There was
a sudden commotion through the speaker before her voice returned. “I’ll be
there in a minute, don’t move.”
I ended the call and glared pointedly at the security guard
who didn’t even move, his finger clicked on the mouse every interval of three. Some security I thought wryly to myself
before I heard the elevator ping and out stepped Natasha. She looked exhausted,
her hair was knotted and the bags beneath her eyes were a dark purple as she
practically ran towards me.
“Hi,” I said once she stood in front of me. She nodded in
greeting, her face grim.
“C’mon, he needs you,” she said in a stiff voice and I could
tell she was barely holding it together. I followed her into the elevator and
she pressed the button marked 35. Bucky’s floor.
“Nat,” I murmured in the quiet elevator. “How bad is he?” I knew
Steve told me he was bad, but Steve had a tendency to overdramatize things
especially when it came to Bucky. I wanted to make sure that what Steve told me
was in fact, the truth.
“It’s good that you’re here,” she whispered. It’s all she
said, but it was enough.
I nodded and swallowed thickly. “Are you monitoring him?”
“Full surveillance.” Natasha confirmed as the doors slid
open and we stepped onto Bucky’s floor. “We have to.”
“Shut it off,” I whispered. Natasha was about to protest but
I silenced her with a hard glare. “If I’m going to talk to him, it’s going to
be just me and Bucky. He deserves his privacy. I’m not going in there until
video and audio is cut off. I’m serious, Nat. I’m going to talk to Bucky as a
friend, not as a psychiatrist. We don’t need to be monitored.”
Natasha nodded bleakly and squeezed my hand tightly. “Be
careful,” she whispered before she disappeared down the hallway. I waited and
calmed my churning stomach as I clasped and unclasped my hands in front of me.
Two minutes later I got a text from Natasha.
cut. Be safe, please.
I pocketed my phone and strode towards Bucky’s door. My hand
hesitated in front of the keypad before I shook my head and steeled my nerves.
I punched in the familiar code and the doors slid open.
Inside, everything was clean. The bed was made and
everything was set within a specific place – nothing out of order. All of the
picture frames were gone; the candles I had used to rid the metallic scent of
blood were nowhere to be seen. The comforter was replaced with a dull gray
There was no color, no life.
Everything was too
neat. There were no creases in the bed spread when I knew before he couldn’t
have cared less how the blankets looked I was always the one who made the bed.
The frames were gone but I saw the marks on the bureau from where the corners
of the frames had hit too hard and chipped away at the stain. I could still
smell a hint of the lavender candles I always used to light but it was
overwhelmed with the scent of beech wood like he had done everything in his
power to rid the lavender from the room. There were cobwebs laced in the
corners of the room and when I looked down I saw cracks in the tile. I wondered
how hard his fists had hit the floor to make those marks. The couches all had
covers over them but as they fluttered in the air of the heating I could see
the pockets of fabric missing from where he had ripped out chunks of the
The entire room was set up to make it seem like he was fine
when he was really anything but.
I turned my head and jolted when I saw Bucky staring at me.
He stood in the doorframe of the bathroom seemingly frozen in place. His
clothes were clean, his shirt pressed and his jeans free of grease stains. His
hair fell loose around his face and his eyes were bright and wide.
“Why are you here?” His voice was rough, like he hadn’t used
it in weeks and I flinched at the sharp hostility in his tone. I knew this was
a bad idea, I knew it. My sudden burst of confidence was dwindling fast and I
tried vainly to grasp onto it. I turned my head away and swallowed thickly.
“Uh…I just, wanted to…I don’t know. Um, I just wanted to see
how you were, I guess. But if you want me to go then I’ll, I’ll go–”
“Wait,” he broke me off as he leaned on the balls of his feet.
“Sorry, um, you just…surprised me, I guess.”
I nodded slowly as I rocked back on my heels. “Yeah, sorry.
Didn’t mean to startle you.”
Bucky nodded again and gave me a soft shrug. There was a
pregnant pause and I opened my mouth to make my escape but Bucky beat me to it.
“Um, sit, please.” He mumbled, pointing to the armchair facing the window. I
chewed on my bottom lip before I relented with a sigh and walked forward,
clutching my bag to my chest. Bucky sat on the loveseat that was before the TV.
“So,” I broke the silence once I sat down, “how have you
Bucky shrugged, still not huge on conversation. It reminded
me when I first met him. He barely spoke a word to me. It was like he didn’t
know me, all over again. “You look good,” he muttered, completely dodging my
question. I sighed inwardly as I subconsciously touched my hair.
“Yeah, well, you know. I’m trying. All in a day’s work,
right?” I attempted to joke but I knew it fell flat. He wrung his hands
together, spreading them apart then clutching them back together.
“And how’s that going for you?” His voice was empty, as if
he was steeling himself for an answer he didn’t want to hear.
It was my turn shrug. “I dunno, seemed to have fooled
“Everyone?” He murmured and his eyes finally met mine. The
icy chasms took my breath away even now.
“Yeah,” I breathed out. His face was expressionless as he
looked away. “So…you seem to be doing good.” I nodded to the bed with a small
smile on my face.
“Of course I am,” he bit out. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
I winced, his words like a hot knife through his chest. Of
course he was fine. He was the one who left me. Suddenly, everything Steve said
flew out the window. Bucky never needed me. Just like he had said.
“Yeah,” I mouthed. “Right, of course.”
Bucky shook his head and I saw anger twist his features.
“Why are you even here?” He stared at me, his eyes dead. My breath rattled in
my chest as my mouth formed no words. After several heartbeats of silence Bucky
shook his head and stood up, storming to the bathroom. The door rattled in the
doorframe when he slammed it shut and I winced at the sudden sound.
“I don’t know,” I whispered into the silence. Hot tears
formed in my eyes and I willed them to go away with a tight squeeze of my
eyelids. I refused to cry again. I was done crying over Bucky Barnes. There was
obviously no love lost with him, it was time for me to realize that. When I
opened my eyes, my vision was blurry but I forced myself up with a staggered
breath. With soft steps I pushed open the door and shut it quietly behind me. I
looked up at the security camera that I knew was trained on Bucky’s door. Where
I knew Nat and Steve were watching. I gave a small shake of my head, pressing
my lips together as a fresh wave of tears flooded my eyes. My legs willed me
towards the elevator and somehow my body followed.
It was almost mechanical, my actions, like the voice that
spoke to me in the elevator. Once the doors closed I leaned against the cool
walls hoping the cold will bring back some semblance of thought. I used the
trip down to the ground floor as a way to gather myself. “Let him go, let him
go,” I kept repeating to myself, like an endless mantra. I figured if I kept
saying, eventually I’d believe it.
The ground floor was dead; the security guard had seemingly
decided to leave the desk unattended. I rolled my eyes, shaking my head as I
strode purposefully towards the revolving doors, repeating the three words in
A sudden crash interrupted my train of thought as I nearly
jumped ten feet in the air. I whipped around and saw the door that led to the
set of the stairs plastered to the opposite wall, the hinges creaking slightly.
Bucky emerged from the destroyed frame as he ran towards me, skidding to a stop
before me. He was barely panting even though he had just launched a vibranium
infused door into the next century.
“Don’t…don’t go,” he grated out, his voice so rough it
sounded like sandpaper.
“What?” I managed to pull my gaze from the doorway to him.
His eyes were slightly crazed, blown so wide I was worried they would pop out
of his head.
“Don’t leave, please. Please…stay, stay.”
I gazed at him in shock, wondering if I was looking at the
same guy as I slowly began to shake my head. “I, uh…I think I should go.”
“No,” he sprung
forward when I took a step back and froze in place. “Please, please. Don’t
leave me. Not yet, not now. Please.”
I kept shaking my head as my legs unfroze and took two more
steps back as I began to turn away from him. “I can’t, I can’t,” I repeated. I
willed my voice not to break as I stumbled back, nearly tripping over my own
feet. Bucky was quiet as I nearly sprinted to the revolving doors, my heart
cracking against my ribcage. I almost made it, my hand outstretched to the
handle when he spoke.
“I didn’t mean it.” Four words, spoken so softly but they
reverberated throughout the entire room. “I…I didn’t mean, what I said. I never
I couldn’t turn around. I couldn’t face him just yet. “Why
did you say it? Why? Was it just to – to hurt
“Yes.” I winced at the single word that cut through my
heart. It was like the final nail in the coffin, the reminder that I didn’t matter.
“Right,” I muttered, shaking my head. “I have to go.”
“No, no wait,” Bucky began pleading behind me as I pushed
the glass panel before me. The door began to turn and just as I was about to
reach the exit, the door suddenly screeched to a halt and my face nearly went
through the glass. I peeled my face off of the glass and whipped around to see
Bucky’s metal arm holding the door back.
“Let me go,” I demanded as I slammed my shoulder against the
glass. It didn’t even budge. “Goddammit Bucky, I am going to suffocate if you do not let me out.”
“I need you to listen to me.”
“By trapping me?”
I nearly screeched. “God, what else do you want with me? Do you just want to
hurt me some more, really destroy my self-esteem? Because honestly, I think you
have done enough.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” his voice was fierce but I
scoffed and nearly laughed in his face.
“How else could you possibly
mean that, Bucky?” He bowed his head but didn’t say anything. He was dead
quiet. I shook my head and slammed my hands against the glass. All it did was
shudder. Tears pricked my eyes as my throat constricted. “Do you like seeing me
like this? Is that what this is? Is this some sort of fucked up game for you?”
“What?” Bucky gasped. “God, no. It was never–”
“Then why?” I
yelled, stepping three feet to the other glass panel that confined me. “Why are
you doing this?”
“Because you know,” he whispered and I just gaped at me. A few
moments passed as I waited for him to respond, to elaborate in some way. But he
“Know what, Bucky? What are you talking about?”
“You just know,” he repeated, the plates in his arm rippled
as he gripped the handle harder. “You…you look at me, and you know. You don’t have to ask, we don’t
have to talk, I don’t have to say anything and you just know. One look at me
and it’s like you just…get it and no one has ever done that before.”
I blinked at him before I raised my hands up in defense.
“You know, this might just be me, but isn’t that what people want? Someone who
knows the other one? I really thought that was something good in a
“It is, it was one…it was good. But it – it terrified me. Nobody has known me like that
in…decades. Steve used to, but even now he doesn’t. But you…you, who has no idea what I’ve gone
through. You’ve never held a gun in your life, you just know. You understand me like no one ever has and it scares the shit
out of me. Because I’m so used to saying the right thing, to acting a certain
way to make sure I wasn’t noticed. But you just…God you just see right through me no matter how hard I try to keep
“So…you said all of those things…because I know you?” I
stared at him in disbelief. It was ridiculous, even for Bucky. I found it so hard to believe him. Suspicion began
to grow in my stomach as I narrowed my eyes at Bucky. It was then that I
realized he hadn’t looked at me. Throughout his whole speech he couldn’t even
look my way. “Bucky,” I prompted. “Look at me.” He ignored me and I nearly
exploded. “Jesus, the least you could
do is look at me. At least give me that.” Seconds ticked away before Bucky
finally tore his gaze from the ground and met mine. His eyes burned with an
emotion I couldn’t pinpoint, but it was something so strong it nearly knocked
my breath away. “What aren’t you telling me?” I whispered. “What are you trying
to tell me?”
Bucky shook his head as a small chuckle left his mouth.
“This is what I mean,” he murmured, “you see right through me.”
“Then can you please explain what I’m seeing? Because it
makes no sense right now.” Bucky seemed to shrink away at my voice. He carded
his fingers through his hair while my gaze flickered over his body. He was
wound so tight I worried he’d crumble right in front of me. “Please,” I
whispered my voice softening as I took another step forward. “Tell me.”
Bucky shook his head. “I can’t…I can’t.”
“Why not? Bucky…why?”
“Because it doesn’t make sense,” he hissed. “It shouldn’t…it
shouldn’t be like this.”
I stared at him in confusion, trying to piece together his
vague words. “Okay, okay,” I spoke to mostly myself but I knew Bucky heard.
“You don’t have to tell me, that’s okay. Just, uh, explain, yeah. Explain to me what’s going on.”
Bucky sighed and dropped his head to his chest as if he was
suddenly exhausted. His broad chest expanded as he took in a deep breath and I
tried not to speak. I swallowed thickly and took a step back, to give him space
though really he had enough.
“I don’t know…I don’t know how.” He began and I held my breath, afraid if I breathed too
loudly I’d scare him. “It’s like, everything was a blur. I was okay, I felt, I
loved, I knew what happiness was, I knew guilt and sadness. But it’s like
nothing ever stuck, I just kept cycling through these emotions. And I, I always
thought that if I ever met the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life
with, I’d have to lay all of the cards on the table. I thought I’d have to have
this great intervention with the drama and the fanfare and the tears and
“But then…but then I met you.
And I didn’t have to explain anything. You just looked at me and smiled. And the way you look at me, it’s
like I’m all you see, y’know? And I’ve never…that’s never happened before. Even
on my worst days, you never wavered. You just held me and let me be me. I never had to worry about being
Bucky or James or…him. I was just who
I wanted to be and you…you loved me all the same. And I saw it, how much you
“I’m not…I’m not a good person. I know I’m not, but you don’t. You refused to believe it no
matter what people told you, no matter how right they were. It’s like you
didn’t care and you should because I’m…I’ve done bad things.
And it scares me, it scares me that you can love me so unconditionally and I
can’t even give you a fraction of that because I’ve done so much, I’ve done
such terrible things that loving you can hardly make up for anything. And I
tried, I tried so hard to make things right with you. To try and be good for
you. But you saw through that too, you saw through it all and God it scared me.
“And I knew the only way for you to see, to understand me, was for you to hate me. Only then would you
let me go. And I didn’t want…I never wanted to hurt you. And I know I did, I know what I said hurt you in
ways I never wanted to imagine. But you just…you saw too much. You saw too much
and you knew too much and you loved so goddamn much and I can’t give you that. I can’t give you the love you deserve, I can
never give you that. But you don’t…you didn’t get it. And I tried to make you see it but you…didn’t so I had…I had to make you see.”
His voice broke at the very end, a sob wrenching through his
clenched teeth and my heart nearly broke in two. His breath was ragged, as if
what he had just told me equaled climbing Mount Everest.
“So…” I finally spoke as my mind struggled to wrap around
what he said. “You don’t love me? Is this…is this the point? I love you but you
don’t love me.”
“No, God, no.”
Bucky shook his head as he carded a hand roughly through his hair. “Don’t you
see? I love you too much. I love you
so goddamn much it hurts. I’ve never
loved anyone like I love you. But that doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t…it’s
just, it’s not right.”
I narrowed my eyes at him as I crossed my arms. “Do you see
a judge anywhere? Are we in some sort of Congressional meeting I’m not aware
of? Is there a jury sitting at the security desk right now?”
He furrowed his brows. “No.”
“Awesome. Then what the fuck
are you trying to prove and who the fuck
are you trying to prove it to?” I glared at him as I spoke. Bucky opened his
mouth but I was too angry to stop. “You know what Bucky, you’re right. You’re
absolutely right. Your past is fucked
up. What happened to you is so beyond fucked up I can’t understand and I most definitely never will. But it’s exactly
that. You’re past. You need to move on because I’m pretty sure everyone else
“Do not interrupt
me.” I jammed a finger at him and he automatically shut his mouth. “You’re so
goddamn immersed in your past you’re
too blind to see what’s happening right in front of you. And you’re right. I did
love you. I loved you so much that sometimes I don’t even think it’s real. Some
nights I stay awake just to make a list of ways to prove to you how much I loved
you without ever saying it.
“But fuck you.
Fuck you for deciding who I love, or how I love, or when I love. Fuck you for
not letting me prove it to you and not seeing it when I tried. Fuck you for
never sticking around long enough and never showing that you cared. Fuck you
for breaking my heart and leaving me to pick up the pieces afterwards. Fuckyou
for not staying.”
I was panting by the time I finished my rant. Everything in
me buzzed as the adrenaline coursed through my veins. Bucky was silent as he
stared at me, unmoving. I had never yelled like that before in my life and I
was positive Bucky had never seen me like this.
snarled. “Don’t you dare say you’re sorry.” I shook my head and turned away
from him, my stomach rolled and twisted uncomfortably. “God, I’m so mad at you.
I’m so fucking mad.”
“I know,” he whispered. “I know.”
“Good,” I shot back. It was childish but I wasn’t about to
let him get the last word. But as soon as I said it I felt a wave of exhaustion
rush over me and my shoulders dropped in response. With a heavy sigh I rested
my head against the cool glass in search of relief but found none. “What do you
want from me Barnes?” I finally whispered.
“I want a second chance.”
I scoffed under my breath. “Second chance? I gave you too
many chances. You had more than one opportunity to stay. You chose not to.”
“Fine,” Bucky acquiesced. “Give me one more chance.”
“Right,” I said bitterly. “What’s going to be so different
about this one? You’re going to tell me you love me and then leave? Won’t that
be the icing on the fucking cake?”
“Let me prove to you that I love you. This time, for real.
No more running, no more games. I swear to you I’m gonna be there this time.”
I turned my head to the side and watched the moonlight dance
on the steel beams of the door. “I don’t trust you,” I admitted honestly. I
could feel the walls locking in around my chest, protecting me from whatever he
“I know,” he repeated. “Give me a chance to win that trust
“That’s two chances, Bucky. You said one.”
“A chance to win your trust and another to prove that I love
you, and that you love me too.” I turned to face him, about to give him a
snarky remark but the moment I saw his face my voice died. He was open, raw,
vulnerable. His eyes shimmered with unfallen tears and his gaze was so intense
I felt as if I was drowning. “Please.” Just one word. But it was loaded with so
much sincerity and desperation I couldn’t find it in me to say no.
“Okay,” I finally relented and his face utterly transformed.
A glimmer of hope shone in his eyes and he immediately stood up straight. “This
is not a yes,” I immediately snapped
as I glared at him. “This is just an opportunity for redemption. But we go my
pace. Whatever I say goes. You so much as cross a line I swear to–”
“And you’re not kissing me. Or touching me. Unless I say so.
I’m serious Bucky, no funny–”
“This does not guarantee anything either. If I’m not happy
or I don’t believe you then I have every right to–”
I scowled angrily at him as I placed my hands on my hips. “Do
you know everything?”
“No.” He shook his head. “But I know you.” I forced the
scowl to stay on my lips despite the smile that threatened to shine through.
“Right, of course you do,” I grumbled.
“So,” he smiled that million dollar smile that made me weak
in the knees the very first time I saw it,
As a kid I lived with neglectful parents at best. At worst
dad would turn his screams and fists on me but I learned quickly how to dodge
the worst of it. Mom wasn’t much help, she’d just smoke in the kitchen and
bitch at him for staying out so late.
At the time we lived basically in the middle of nowhere, our
nearest neighbors were a long walk away for a six year old and we had trees
between us. No one to run to for help. But I was pretty small for a kid my age.
I learned I could fit pretty much anywhere. The closet. Dryer. I think even
once I tucked myself under my futon in such a way I could still get some air
but no one could see me.
I was a master at hiding. But it wasn’t for a good reason.
One night though, one night I chose to do something different.
Requested by @queen-of-all-the-fandoms: “Juuuuuleeees, I want an imagine with Winn’s super sarcastic and sassy S/O sassing J'onn. This is a thing I need in my life. Please and thanks! 💙”
A/N: Here is the final request on my list! Yay! Took me long enough lol. I made this so the reader is a hacker because I wanted a bit of backstory and my friend @thefangirlforlife gave me the idea to have the reader do some cool computer thing and do the joke. So thanks babe! <3 Any way I hope you guys like this. (I honestly feel like it’s trash lol)
You have been with Winn for a good while now. You know about his being Guardian, know about how Kara is Supergirl and Hank Henshaw is actually J’onn J’onzz aka The Martian Manhunter. The circumstances of how you met Winn weren’t the greatest. You’re a hacker or were a hacker, and for a while you didn’t use your abilities for the best purposes.
You didn’t use it for bad things, just not ‘legal’ things. You were sort of a cyber vigilante, taking down bad sites, transferring money out of corrupt businesses back to the people they scammed. Going by the hacker handle ‘ph03n1x’ which means phoenix.
Having made quite a name for yourself on the net. Though you set yourself up for failure when you heard about the DEO. A government organization all about Extra-terrestrial monitoring, you had to see this. Easily you broke through the firewalls, you’ve hacked the CIA before. This was child’s play for you. However upon getting in, your computer signalled you that there was a track happening. So, you shutdown your computer and left the DEO alone.
Little did you know the person on the other end got your location. A few hours later there was a knock on your door. Groaning you had answered it, seeing a guy with brown hair standing there. Kind of nerdy looking. He introduced himself as Winn Schott, the minute he said he was the one who tracked you, you pulled him into your apartment. He went on to explain that his superiors had no idea about any of this, that he had heard about your acts as ‘ph03n1x.’
He offered you a job to help in a good way. Though you weren’t interested, and escorted him out of your home. However, he began to drop by and check up on you. Make sure you weren’t getting into trouble. The relationship turned from him checking up on you, to friends, to more than friends.
Which brings you to where you are now. Walking into the DEO to get Winn for your one year anniversary. You may know of the other’s secrets but Winn never told them about your former hacking.
“Hey guys” You greeted while walking in. “Hey [F/n], congrats” James hugged you. Laughing you thanked him, “I know, who would’ve thought anyone could put up with him for a year.” You teased, knowing Winn was only a few feet away.
“I’m right here!” he called, raising his hand from in front of his computer. J’onn was standing beside him, in his Martian form. Walking behind the chair you wrapped your arm around his shoulders. “You ready?” whispered to him, joy in your tone.
“Yeah, just a sec. I have to get these coordinates for J’onn then I can leave” Winn answered, not looking away from the screen. Watching his cursor as he continued to fail to find the coordinates. “Agh! Why won’t it track?!” He yelled frustrated. “Focus Agent Schott” J’onn scolded, crossing his arms.
“Aw for the love of.” You rolled your eyes, seeing everything he was doing wrong and couldn’t help yourself. Standing up straight, while moving to the keyboard. Winn pulled his hands away as you worked your magic on the keyboard, having the coordinates they needed up in seconds. Turning to see them a bit shocked.
Even J’onn, you laughed before saying “What’s wrong J’onn? You look a bit green with envy.” Chuckling at your own joke. Winn gave you a worried look, did you just sass J’onn?! Do you want to die?!
After you exchanged a look with J’onn he began to laugh. You made J’onn laugh. Winn couldn’t believe his eyes, he’s only seen Alex do that. The other DEO agents were just as shocked.
“Good work [F/n], remind me to offer you a position here at the DEO after your anniversary.” He said before heading out to help Kara at this location. Winn was still sitting in his seat awestruck and staring at you. “Why are you staring?”
“I just, did you just sass J’onn, make him laugh, and then get a job offer?” his brows furrowed in confusion. “I did” you nodded before taking his hand and pulling him from his chair. “How?” Disbelief written all over his face as you made your way out of the DEO, making you laugh. “I’m just that good” you shrugged.
Love Toxin- Dick Grayson/Nightwing and Jason Todd/Red Hood X Reader
To say you were worried was an understatement. You were sitting on the couch, attempting to distract yourself by watching some movies, thinking about the possibilities why Dick and Jason haven’t made it back to the manor. They said that they would be back at 10:30, but the clock next to you flashing 12:03 proved that they were definitely late. Your broken leg prevented you from looking for them yourself, and Bruce was busy with the Justice League. You mentally cursed Killer Croc for breaking your leg, and made a note to test out your new taser on him. You didn’t know much about their mission, but you knew it had to do something with Poison Ivy. You didn’t doubt their abilities, but you never know what could happen. You scratched your irritated skin by the cast and groaned. You shoved the rest of your popcorn in your mouth and grabbed your crutches, heading to the Bat Cave to try and locate the two idiots that left you alone on horror movie night. It took awhile, but you finally were able to get to the cave without falling or slipping down on the way. Shouting voices could be heard in the infirmary, and you guessed they belonged to Jason and Dick.
“It’s all your fucking fault this happened!” Jason shouted.
“How is it my fault when Poison Ivy is the one who dumped all of this junk on us?!” Dick asked.
“You’re the idiot who decided it was a good idea to ambush her when I could have easily took her out with one bullet!”
When you entered the infirmary, all of the fighting stopped, “What the hell are you guys doing down here? How long have you been here?”
“(Y/N), what are you doing down here?” Jason asked and rushed to your side, “You could have broken your neck getting down here.”
“I’m fine, Jason, but what about you guys?” you asked while giving Dick and Jason questioning glances.
“We were trying to get all of Poison Ivy’s love toxin off of us,” Dick replied while starting to pull off his costume.
“Oookkaaay then,” you said, your cheeks matching your red cast, “and I’m going to go back up where I’m not seeing any naked Dick.”
Jason threw a towel at Dick and picked you up, causing to you gasp in surprise, “You’re seriously going to fall down those stairs if you go up those with your crutches.”
Dick removed the towel from his face and frowned, “I was gonna do that.”
“Well too bad, Dick,” Jason sassed and carried your confused form out of the Bat Cave.
You groaned and rubbed your temples, attempting to get rid of the headache forming because of the two most annoying men you have ever met.
“Will the two of you stop fighting and get me something for my headache?” you asked, immediately gaining their attention.
Dick immediately scurried away from Jason and ran back with medicine and a glass of water. Jason scowled and sat down next to you. You took the medicine from Dick, watched him plop down on the opposite side of Jason, and took the medicine.
“Are you guys done?”
“Not until he admits this is his fault,” Jason muttered.
“Jason, stop,” Dick said.
“No, I will not stop. I have Ivy’s love shit pumping through my system and I want this night to be over.”
“Then just go to your apartment!”
“No! I have no idea what you’ll do to (Y/N) with those hormones in you,” Jason said while pulling you close to him.
Dick gasped and tugged you over to his side, caressing your hair, “You really think I would do that to (Y/N)? Her leg’s broken!”
Jason pulled you over to his side again, “Which makes it easier for you!”
The argument continued on for what seemed like hours. Every time one of them made a remark or sassed back, you were yanked to their side, but soon returned to the other’s side. It was flattering to have the two of them fight over you, but the pain in your leg from being tossed around the couch was getting too unbearable. When you finally yelped out in pain, the two of them stopped bickering and gave you worried looks. Dick lifted your legs up and placed the cast on his lap while Jason made you lean on his side.
“Sorry, (Y/N),” they both muttered.
You laughed and smiled, “Are you two too hormonal to finish watching horror movie night?”
Hey Michael, have you ever written a song for Jeremy?
Michael: !!! Actually yeah I have hold on–
Every time I see you, my heart it flutters! And I never ever wanna be with another. It’s only you, it’s always you Until the end~ And every time I’m with you my heart hums out a song You honestly have no idea how long it’s been… This is a love song, let’s be more than friends!
…Um, heheh. I wrote that way before we started dating, it was sorta an unrequited thing. But now? I might have to update the lyrics a little, make it more fitting…
Characters: Bucky/Reader, mention of Wanda, Steve, etc.
Summary: You and Bucky are dating and you’re waiting for him to return from a long mission. You have to deal with something changes to your relationship.
Warnings: Swearing (cuz it’s me)
Author’s Note: I’ve had this idea for a very long time now, though I’m not sure I’ve done it justice. It’s kind of fluffy, with a little bit of angst (maybe?)
You sat on the couch, curled up into a ball, wrapped up in the coziest blanket you owned. You were surrounded by pillows as the couch had become your makeshift bed while you waited for Bucky to return.
This was the longest mission he had been on since you got together. Four months. Four long, agonizing, lonely months. It was even worse because the last three weeks had been in radio silence. Zero communication. It was killing you. You could survive with facetiming, phone calls, and texting; though brief, you had communication every single day. But hearing absolutely nothing was driving you out of your mind.
The first few weeks, you tried sleeping in your bed but it wasn’t your room anymore. Bucky’s presence was too strong there and his absence made you ache. So instead, after too many nights of too little sleep, you set up camp in the common living room area, on the plush couch. You were closer to the kitchen, there was a bathroom close by, and the television was big enough that come nighttime, you were provided with enough of a distraction until you were actually able to fall asleep.
This was a big mission. Everyone was gone from the tower, leaving you to your own devices. You had planned to get so much accomplished but ultimately, you got nothing done.
But today was different. Today was the day the team was supposed to return from their mission. You had planned on making a big dinner for everyone to mark their return but by the time you woke up, showered, and did some laundry, you were too tired. You justified ordering a pizza because everyone liked pizza and this way, no one would feel obligated to spend anymore time with each other - they could grab and go. This way you could also spend some more time with Bucky.
You had told F.R.I.D.A.Y to let you know when they arrived so you shouldn’t have been surprised to hear her disembodied voice alerting you to the quinjet’s approach. It startled you awake and you barely had the energy to get up from the couch. Instead, you wrapped the blanket tighter around yourself and sunk deeper into the cushions
You stared at the door willing it to open when suddenly, Steve walked through looking a little worse for wear. His uniform had gashes and was covered in dried blood and other bodily fluids. He saw you and rushed over to hug you but stopped himself.