you dont see orcs doing this

Humans are Weird: Tears and Crying

Humans are already like the only mammals who’s tears are also tied to emotions (At least I believe so). But tears already look different under a microscope depending on whether they were sad, happy, angry, etc. But Imagine how Aliens would react to that. They’d figure out we cry for sadness pretty fast probably. Maybe not so much for pretty much any emotions.

*Jolion’ian sees Analisa crying and curled up against a wall*

Jolion’ian: Oh no, Analisa!…. Would you like a hug?

*Analisa just nods and Jolion’ian gives them a hug. Later on, Jolion’ian sees Valentina with clenched fist and a red face with tears running down their face.*

Jolion’ian: Oh no, Valentina! Do you require a hug? *Goes to hug Valentina*

Valentina: Do not fucking touch me!

Jolion’ian: *Jumps back* Do most humans not require physical contact when they are sad?

Valentina: I am not sad! I am pissed the fuck off!

Jolion’ian: But… you are crying?

Valentina: I’ll explain later but right now, leave me the hell alone.

Jolian’ian hurries and leave because no one likes disobeying an angry human. Later on, Jolian’ian sees Jacarei making loud noises, holding their stomach with tears running down their face

Jolian’ian: Oh no, Jacarei! Are you hurt? Are you sad? Are you angry? Do you need me to just leave?

Jacarei: Wh-What? *Laughing* N-No! Im just laughing! *More hysterical laughing*

Jolian’ian: But… when Analisa cried she was sad, when Valentina cried she was angry, but youre… happy?

After seeing Jacarei nod, Jolian’ian walked away confused. Wondering if he should tell the captain that humans dont just cry when they are hurt or sad.

“Hmmmm…. Ko’mog. What do ya see?”
“Uh.. I see a Clefthoof, sir.”
“Nononono, Ko’mog, I need ya to focus!”
“O-okay–”
“What do ya SEE?”
“….T..Two Clefthoofs??”
“NO! Ugh, okay, I understand this might be too advanced for you but this is why I’m here to guide ya into being a great huntsman.”
“Oh…I am thankful. What is it that you see?”
“Robots.”
“….Wh–”
“CYBORG animals. Incredible, isn’t it?”
“H-how do you know…?”
“HOW? Well that’s easy, I put them there.”
“Oh.”
“To test you.”
“Oh….”
“It’s okay Ko’mog, just take it all in. You’ll be a master soon enough.”

So, my group is mostly chaotic or neutral good players accept me and an orc who are chaotic neutrals. my character has gotten a reputation for being ‘odd’ because she adamantly hates humans and elves but will speak openly with orcs, goblins, and other malcontents. She also only speaks black speech and low common.

We’re in this pacifist city whos about to be attacked by draconians or dragon born [idr] and the head of town is just adamant that these flimsy wooden pickets he calls a wall will be enough to stop these flying terrors. He refuses to leave and also refuses to fight so its up to like 6 of us to protect this giant city and the cleric [leader of the group] is having a hell of a time trying to convince this coward to defend his people so i get impatient and break into this long proud speech of how cowardly he is and how he should just step down as a leader if hes willing to sacrifice his followers for nothing and so on and so on and then point out how orcs would never let this bullshit happen and my character then starts to include how even her team is showing more valor than she gave humans credit for.

after im done the dm says

“Wow, that was impressive… but you dont speak enough common for him to catch everything and neither do you speak draconian, so roll to see if he understood enough to take action.”

I then rolled my first and only nat20 of the entire game.

Bag Demon!!! A.K.A. introducing a new party member while the villain attempts a monologue

Backstory: Starting a new campaign with a party that was together for some time, sadly minus a player. New player’s character comes from teh Feywild and needed a way to get her to the party, that as a warm up exercise were hunting down a vampire in teh catacombs beneath a city. Said vampire being a PC’s father.

The banter between them while the poor vampire was trying to monologue and was ignored was amazing.

(DM as Vampire) Va'Kelith: But I will have my vengeance!!! 

(PC 1) Xavier Tesler: “Enough of this! Tonight you sleep in hell you dog!”

(PC 2) Va`Shera: “Vengeance?” (laughs), “You are so agressive Dear Father, will you not answer my questions?”

(DM) Va'Kelith: Maybe I should… After all the knowledge will be useless to you, once I trapped you just like you trapped me, here in these forgotten tunnels, buried alive… buried alive…

DM: The vampire start his monologue when something happens. Va'Shera feels a great source of heat practically on top of her.

PC 2: Va'Shera readies herself!

DM: The heat source is apparently your bag of holding that starts smoking and even glowing red hot.

PC 2: Va'Shera opens the bag and looks inside.

DM: As you do the bag explodes, tearing itself apartm its contents spilling around you.

PC 2 (ooc): oh ffs… I lost a damn Bag of Holding?

PC 1 (ooc): Dont worry I have one! I’ll carry your tampons!

DM: The explosion dazes you temporarily, but other than that you are fine. You barely have time to take this into account, when a ball of lighting starts growing, where the bag used to be right in front of you. It forms a sphere, roughly 6 feet in diameter and then dissipates in just a second. Lighting arcs across the room from the sphere right before it dissipated. And when it does so, there is a figure in front of you. The figure is unarmed and unarmored

(PC 2) Va`Shera: “What the hell?”

(New Player/PC 3) Erevanne: “Hello!”

(PC 2) Va`Shera: “What the FUCK!” (Looks at her with wrath)

(PC 4) Vimak Stonehand: (Vimak stops moving) “Who the hell are you!”

DM: Vampire looks annoyed at the interruption.

(PC 3) Erevanne: “I am Erevanne and I need your help, urgently!”

(PC 4) Vimak Stonehand: (Looking at PC 1) “Boss should i kill it?”

(PC 2) Va`Shera: “You owe me a damn bag of holding!”

(PC 3) Erevanne: “What!?”

(PC 5) Lucan:(looks around blandly) “Perhaps we should focus on the Master Vampire and its minions first?”

(PC 4) Vimak Stonehand: (Directed at PC 1 and pointing at PC 3) “Boss the devil spawn is talking!”

(DM as Vampire): Va'Kelith: “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?!?!”

(PC 5) Lucan: “Shush you, dont you see us adults talking?”

(PC 1) Xavier Tesler: (at PC 3) “Who are you?! BAG SPAWN!?”

(PC 4) Vimak Stonehand: “This demon shall taste my hammer, even if it comes in the guise of a elf!”

(PC 1) Xavier Tesler: “Do not harm the Bag Demon Vimak! It seems friendly for now!”

(PC 4) Vimak Stonehand: “But Xavier i never get to smash a demon, its aways undead or orcs or something…”

(PC 1) Xavier Tesler: “We will find a rock, write demon upon it for you to smash later.”

(PC 4) Vimak Stonehand: “Aye not many goliaths can claim to having slain a rock demon, but not many could claim victory over a bag demon either…”

(PC 1) Xavier Tesler: “Can we discuss this later? Vampire needs staking.”

(PC 5) Lucan: “Now that this is mostly handled.” (he points out towards Va'Kelith) “Anything you want to say?” (he pauses) “Something productive at least?”

(PC 1) Xavier Tesler: “Be careful what you say filth, I’m writting it down. Be poetic.”

(DM as Vampire) Va'Kelith: (having had enough of his monologue interrupted) Enough of this foolery! Minions! Attack!!!

I just feel like this must have been Fili in lake town
  • Fili: fucking great we've been caught
  • Fili: wtf thorin why are you speeching right now there is clearly something wrong with kili
  • Fili: are you shitting me right now thorin?
  • Fili: i really dont give a flying fuck about ur mountain or being king rn mate when kili looks so terrible
  • Fili: are you being serious right now bofur?
  • Kili: i really feel like shit
  • Fili: kili please stop dying
  • Fili: oh for fucks sake now is not the time orcs
  • Fili: why is there walnuts?
  • Fili: fuck it use em as a pillow
  • Fili: wtf is this elf doing?
  • Dori: look at that amzing elf healing magic shit
  • Fili: Dori, look at me, do you see me giving any fucks?
  • Kili: do you thinks she could have loved me?
  • Fili: oh god damn now is not the time
  • Fili: im done