in the first moments, you’re very unsteady; heart stuck in your throat, every touch is felt through your whole body. your hands have trouble finding a purpose. this amount of energy is something you haven’t felt before. there was a moment last year that you felt some small pool of fluttering energy in your stomach by just being close to a close friend. but this is a stranger. an unknown entity, an unknown situation. so you keep close to yourself, even though he keeps on touching you in small ways. a small bump, the exchange of a joint, the brush of hands. the moment is interrupted by someone else, you disengage just a little. you keep asking yourself if this is the way things should be. you’re unsure. but there has been an ignition.
two months later, the ignition has become a never-ending fireplace. your heart has traveled back home from your throat, softly singing. it hasn’t been easy, it certainly wasn’t what you were expecting. it’s so much more, so much worse and so so so much better. his touch is not foreign anymore, it’s welcomed with open arms. in that small kitchen that energy you keep feeling in your stomach can be shared with him; it has become deeper, so that when he kisses you, your sides almost melt together, your fingers touching his on the kitchen counter. not quite holding, but softly brushing. and that is enough. you’re not nervous; he makes you calm. so when you get interrupted this time, you don’t shy away. you stay close. as long as he’s right here in this moment, you’re both okay. and that’s all you really need.