girlfriend just delivered me a box of candy canes and here is my new personality test to replace MBTI or astrology or whatever
the Cruncher: you start at the hook end and chew your candy cane to pieces. you are forthright and impatient. behind your back people call you an asshole, but lovingly. how do you cope with that much hard candy stuck in your teeth.
the Snapper: you start at the hook end and snap off bite-sized pieces, eating each piece before you unwrap the next segment. you are life’s natural planner. so orderly you probably use colour-coded excel spreadsheets for your groceries. you never forget to do all that seasonal cleaning apartment therapy tells me to do and i never do. like dusting your baseboards. you probably do that.
the Unwrapper: you start at the long end and unwrap the whole thing so you can clutch it stickily in your bare hands. you beautiful rule-breaking moth. nobody should touch a candy cane with their bare fingers. what is wrong with you.
the Shiv: you start at the long end and suck it into the deadliest seasonal weapon. you definitely have siblings. probably you were raised in a household where weapons as toys were discouraged. probably you’re also kind of awkwardly masochistic.
side note. if you like the fruit flavoured candy cane better than the peppermint one, you’re wrong. straight-up just wrong.
Besides their mutual obsession with waffles and hometown being in Indiana, I’m convinced that Eleven would start to use completely nonsense but totally adorable compliments for her friends like Leslie Knope does with Ann, y’know? Because she’s still learning how the English language works, sometimes she comes up with non-sequitur things like “Dustin, you beautiful tropical fish” “Mike, you’re a beautiful, talented, brilliant, powerful musk-ox” “Lucas, you beautiful, rule-breaking moth” and the boys just go along with it because…heck, it’s El
So - Sean Duffy, Jason Chaffetz and Mike Lee (among other leading Republican figures) just said what Trump did was wrong because those women Trump assaulted were ‘someone’s daughter’ and ‘someone’s mother’ and someone’s wife’, and John Oliver would have none of it.
I have to say - my tag for John Oliver is marry me john - and this is the day that tag fully justified its own existence - became not merely a sincere appreciation of John’s work and ethics and determination to expose bullshit and injustice, but a heartfelt You have my vote if you attack the White House with dragons and become our overlord, John.
Go forth and conquer, you beautiful, rule-breaking moth.
Oh Patroclus, you beautiful tropical fish. You poetic, noble land mermaid. You beautiful, talented, brilliant, powerful musk ox. You wild and crazy flower pot. You magnificent tree of life. You transcendent little seahorse. You clever, wonderful flying squirrel. You beautiful, rule-breaking moth. You barrel of monkeys…and kindness.
“Oh, Ann, you’re so sweet and innocent and pretty.”
“Oh, Ann, I always forget because you’re so pretty, you’re not used to rejection.”
“Ann’s my doctor and she’s the most beautiful nurse in the world.”
“Sweet and beautiful Ann has never been dumped before.”
“Ann, you beautiful tropical fish. You’re smart as a whip and you’re cool under pressure.”
“You’ve resuscitated a human heart in your bare hands.“
“Oh, Ann, you beautiful spinster. I will find you love.”
"Oh, Ann, you beautiful, rule-breaking moth.”
“I’ve said this to you before and I know it makes you uncomfortable, but you’re thoughtful, and you’re brilliant, and your ambiguous ethnic blend perfectly represents the dream of the American melting pot.”
“He’ll never lasso another heifer as fine as you, Annie Oakley.”
“Ann, you are such a good friend, you’re a beautiful, talented, brilliant, powerful musk-ox. Thank you, ox.”
“Ann, you know that I fully support any woman’s decision, especially a beautiful unicorn nurse like yourself, in creating the family that she wants. But you are so brilliant and kind and stupid hot, you’re definitely going to find a wonderful guy who loves you and respects you and fills your home with multiethnic genius babies.”
“You’re Ann Perkins! Sperm that is worthy of your perfect eggs does not grow on trees.”
On her wedding dress: “It is the most beautiful object I’ve ever seen. It is like the Ann Perkins of dresses. It is amazing.”
“Ann, you cunning, pliable, chestnut-haired sunfish.”
“Nobody can fill your shoes, Ann, with those tiny little doll feet.”
“Ann, you’re a genius! Your brain is almost as perfect as your face.”
After Ann gives birth: “He’s so beautiful! And you’re so beautiful. I mean, you’re always beautiful, but right now you’re the most beautiful, glowing, sun goddess ever.”
“Oh, Ann. You beautiful, naïve, sophisticated newborn baby.”