NHL Bitty, Part II - Bitty v. Jack: Chirping
They live apart three-quarters of the year, their physical sex life is basically nonexistent, so Jack and Bitty have a lot of pent up energy and bring all of their problems to the ice because where else are they going to hash things out? It’s a good thing they don’t play each other often, because every Falconers v. Schooners game is a nightmare of awkward chirps, agressive hugging and sexual innuendo. It’s like the worst form of couples therapy imaginable. ESPN stops putting mics on them because they can’t edit enough out to make it appropriate.
Bitty skates by, obviously furious at the call, but instead of turning on the linesman he hones in on Jack, snarling, “Seriously, a Ferrari? Trying to score some 80s side-action? I thought your whole thing was proving you aren’t your father.”
Bitty gets right up against him, pressing in tight but not moving to drop his gloves or grab at Jack’s jersey. They both know exactly what this is, and Jack pushes down the reflexive spike of want, grinning around his mouth guard.
“That’s rich coming from you – could you have purchased larger truck? Compensating for something, Itty Bitty?”
Bitty spits out his mouth guard. “After we kick your fucking ass, I’m going to take you home and remind you how ‘itty bitty’ I am.”
“Don’t threaten me with a good time–”
“Enough. Save foreplay for bedroom.” Tater groans, yanking Jack away from his husband.
Jack yells, “Are we still fighting?”
“Yes!” Bitty shouts, skating backwards to his own bench. “I hate your new publicist and fuck you for approving that photo where it looks like I have two chins.”
“Fight or fuck. You do neither and ruin both.” Tater mutters over the roar of the crowd. “How you married I do not understand.”
“We only play each other a few times a year. If we get all the tough shit out when we play, we can leave it on the ice.”
From across the ice, Bitty mouths ‘love you’ and Jack blows a kiss in return. Tater gags loudly.
“That is not what ‘leave it on the ice’ supposed to mean, Zimmboni.”