- I am grieving in the only way I know how right now: internally. Privately. I haven’t spoken a word to anybody about what’s going on. If you know me in real life, know this - I’ll tell you in the future, I promise. And if I’m not okay, I’ll let you know. But I need to be able to grieve in this private way.
- I made a pledge. It goes a little like this: don’t stalk on social media, don’t fall into bad patterns - and if you do, get help right away. So far I have followed. As more unhealthy habits threaten I’ll add them to the pledge.
- I can’t trust myself to be alone. Or at least, right now I’d prefer not to be. Alone is too demanding, too exhausting.
- Speaking of exhausting… I’m trying to wear myself out. I haven’t decided if I think that’s healthy or not yet, but it’s been how I’m coping. Just throwing myself into the present moment and physically tiring my body. I like it so far, but like I said, I’m not sure if it’s healthy.
- So far, I’m really more okay than I expected. Sure, I’m a little ragged on the edges and still feel the pulse of my blood under the bruise sometimes, but it hasn’t been unbearable. There have been slight signs of a panic, but I’ve been able to avoid them so far.
- I feel like I’m letting myself grieve in a proper way. In the way I know how, which is just by myself for a little while. And I’m proud of myself.
- I’m writing more. Trying to make sense of my feelings. I’m proud of what I’m writing. I’m proud of how I’m getting through this. I am posting my writing online under a different name, although I’d rather keep that under wraps from this account (I have people I don’t want to find it and taint that account), so I can have a diary of sorts. I’m also writing in my journal.
- I’m taking it day by day - no, really second by second. I’m trying extremely hard to focus on the moment in front of me. I get easily distracted and lost in train of thought, so I’ve been trying to make really short term goals for my mind to focus on. For example, right now my goal is to write this Tumblr post and that’s it. Then it’s going to be to empty my mind as possible so I can sleep faster. These short term goals are really helping.
- I am strong. I can do this.