you are killing me with your perfection

Anti-snapers: HE IS LITERALLY HITLER AND ANYONE WHO HAS EVEN REMOTELY AGREED WITH HIM IS A JEW KILLING MURDER-BONER HAVING SCUM SUCKER

Pro-snapers: I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW YOU COULD THINK THAT!! HE IS PERFECT AND PRECIOUS AND BULLIED AND THEREFORE ALL SINS MUST BE ABSOLVED! ALSO YOUR FAVE WAS A CUNT TOO

Me: *raises hand* I just want to fuck him. Where do I sit?

five word prompts

[inspired by this]

  • “actually… i just miss you.”
  • “alright, i’ll leave you alone.”
  • “and slowly… i was forgotten.”
  • “and then everything just disappears.”
  • “and where do i go?”
  • “anyone could tell from here.”
  • “are you finishing that or…?”
  • “are you stupid or stupid?”
  • “anything, just call me, okay?”
  • “bitch better have my money.”
  • “bro… that’s so… not cool…”
  • “but did you do it?”
  • “call me now. it’s urgent.”
  • "can’t you listen to me?”
  • “cross that. don’t answer that.”
  • “don’t even think about it.”
  • “don’t you dare walk away.”
  • “do it. i dare you.”
  • “did you think i forgot?”
  • “eventually… you just move on.”
  • “even if you still do.”
  • “everything will fall into place.”
  • “fight me, you attractive stranger.”
  • “for once, i need you.”
  • “for once… i was right.”
  • “for once… i was wrong.”
  • “forget i even asked you.”
  • “forget it. you fucking suck.”
  • “fuck’s sake, what’s your problem?”
  • “fuck off. i mean it.”
  • “give and take. that’s life.”
  • “great. perfect. nice. fuck this.”
  • “have you lost your mind?”
  • “hello? it’s me. i was-”
  • “hey… that wasn’t so nice.”
  • “here’s a glass of whatever.”
  • “how about a hug, hm?”
  • “how about you make me?”
  • “i haven’t forgot you yet.”
  • “i can’t be around you.”
  • “i don’t need you, really.”
  • “i don’t need this now.”
  • “is this your first time?”
  • “it’s just a cut, really.”
  • “it wasn’t me, i swear!”
  • “i said i love you.”
  • “just don’t fuck it up.”
  • "just… come back alive, okay?”
  • “just make sure you’ve eaten.”
  • “kick his ass for me.”
  • “killed him? wait, what, literally?”
  • “life really sucks. feel better.”
  • “letting go hurts… a lot.”
  • “let me live, will you?”
  • “no, i don’t need you.”
  • “nothing can hurt me now.”
  • “nothing matters anymore to me.”
  • “okay it was me… so?”
  • “people lie all the time.”
  • “pipe the fuck down, asshole.”
  • “please, you can’t die now.”
  • “please don’t leave me alone.”
  • “quiet. they can hear us.”
  • “quick! give me your phone!”
  • “quicker, you freaking piece of-”
  • “quit it or i’ll bite.”
  • “quit staring! they’ll notice us!”
  • "really? do i look stupid?”
  • “real smooth, tripping over air.”
  • “rise and shine, sweet thing.”
  • “rise and fucking shine, motherfucker.”
  • “seriously? give me a break.”
  • “so… what are we now?”
  • “so… did you miss me?”
  • “so… can we go eat?”
  • “so… when’s the next flight?”
  • “so… how did everything go?”
  • “sometimes, i wish you died.”
  • “so what? you did it.”
  • “time passes slower without you.”
  • “then what do you suggest?”
  • “the fuck? who are you?”
  • “then you tell me why.”
  • “this is not working out.”
  • “this isn’t what i wanted.”
  • “this is all a fucking disaster.”
  • “when did it all happen?”
  • “who knew you’d be here?”
  • “why do i even bother?”
  • “why do i love you?”
  • “why didn’t you tell me?”
  • “you’re just… so, so stupid.”
  • “you can’t be here now.”
  • “you look like an accident.”
  • “you really need to go.”
  • “you know who to call.”
  • "zero fucks given. next please.”
Things the Hogwarts Houses say

(loosely based on conversations I’ve had/overheard)

Hufflepuff -

  • “If you don’t start singing along to High School Musical with me in under 30 seconds you will no longer be my best friend" 
  •  "I swear on my chicken nuggets-”
  • “Yes I made that joke up by my self - no it’s not from Spongebob Squarepants how dARE YOU-”
  • “Speaking of Spongebob can we just take a few moments to discuss how much of a masterpiece that first movie was please”
  • “Ah yes, it’s 3 in the morning, time to get emotional and tell all my friends how much I love them”
  • “You made me chocolate??? Oh my God I love you so much thank you I’ll have some right no - THIS HAS RAISINS IN IT YOU TRICKED ME
  • “Oh my God yeah I saw that movie, my favourite part was when - oh shit wait there’s this adorable kitten video I meant to show you last week and I completely forgot let me get it up on my phone”
  • “Sorry I’m late I was up all night watching those videos where kids get surprised with puppies”
  • “Are you awake? Great, let’s start planning our future homes together, I have a pinterest board ready”
  • “This is my favourite photo album! It’s full of photos of all the cats and dogs I’ve made friends with on my walks, I’ve even given them all names”
  • (crying) “Stop calling me emotional God damn it”

Ravenclaw -

  •  "Of course I remember you said you liked the colour red, you told me at like 1:35 am last year in May"
  • “What? Simplifying equations? No, I can’t help with that but I do know all the words to every Simpsons episode in the first 5 seasons if that helps"
  • “Sorry I really can’t go out today. No I’m fine, I’m just stressed I’m doing something important. I’m trying to memorise all the words to this documentary about frogs - What? Yes of course it’s important!”
  • “I discovered and fully analysed that meme 3 weeks ago, step up your game”
  • “What do you mean why do I have a folder full of strategic plans on how to succeed at animal crossing, that’s not weird?”
  • “Sir, I don’t mean to be rude but I’ve been doing my own research and you’re getting all of this wrong. Well yes I know I’m not the teacher here but - Yes, actually, I’d love to teach the class my self I’ve already made a lesson plan, thank you”
  • No, I won’t come and see Jurassic World with you. Because it’s completely unrealistic! Do you have any idea what dinosaurs are actually supposed to have sounded and looked like? Even adult velociraptors weren’t meant to be that b - OK you know what, I will come, but I’ll be pointing out every single problem to you. No, it’s too late, you already invited me. I’m buying our tickets right now, don’t move”
  • “You really think you can beat me at Mario Kart? I have spent YEARS studying this game and honing my skills, spending hours upon hours training until my hands cramp and even my tv is judging the amount of time I’ve spent playing and you think YOU can beat me? Let’s fucking go
  • “I think these guys think I want to murder them because I followed them home but it’s only because I overheard them talking about what would happen if Pokemon is real and I wanted to see how good their logic was”
  • “Shut up? Shut up? I haven’t shut up for 17 years and I’m not about to start now”
  • (crying) "I just want Shakespeare’s ghost to be proud of me”

Gryffindor - 

  • “I’d love to have a sleepover but it can only be when there’s a thunderstorm so we can dance in the rain, let me check the weather forecast”
  • “Did that bee just try and sting you? COME BACK HERE BEE YOU COWARD I’M GONNA FUCK YOU UP - wait shit no run”
  • "What did you say? Don’t touch it? Alright.” (touches it as soon as the person turns away) “Sucker”
  • “Whaaat? Someone wrote on the desk? No it wasn’t me I would never do th - My name was there? Well, I’m not the only one in the world with my na - My surname was there too? What are the chances?!”
  • “Help me I started saying lmao ironically and I can’t stop”
  • “Before you say anything it wasn’t me - unless it was something awesome then I definitely planned the whole thing”
  • Excuse me? They said what to you? … I have to go for a second, I just remembered something completely unrelated. No, no, I’m not taking this fork with me for any particular reason”
  • “Um, did you just tell me it’s impossible to sing along to a guitar solo? Stand back. Your mind is about to get blown”
  • “I am so not drunk! I’m completely drunk! … Wait shit I meant sober”
  • “I’M SO PROUD OF YOU AAAH LET ME HUG YOU! I’M NOT LETTING GO FOR THE NEXT 3 HOURS, GET COMFORTABLE BITCH”
  • “I bet I can stay up for longer than you - what no I’m not tired shut up - nO THAT WASN’T A YAWN I WAS JUST SHOWING YOU WHAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKE IF I WAS TIRED - SEE I DID IT AGAIN TOTALLY ON PURPO - ok fuck you I’m going to sleep”

Slytherin - 

  • “Oh my God, just tell me what you did already so I can start complaining”
  • “Sorry, I didn’t catch that. Did you say STOP saying fuck, or KEEP ON saying fuck?”
  • “Over your dead body? I was hoping you’d say that”
  • “If you even LOOK at them one more time I will take a stick as big as your ego and stick it right up your-”
  • “Don’t come near me or - OK fine, we can snuggle for exactly 15 minutes. I’m setting a timer now”
  • “Hey, I saw you posted a picture of us on instagram yesterday where my eyeliner isn’t completely straight? You’re gonna have to delete that, if anyone thinks my eyeliner isn’t drop dead perfect every day and that I’m not a literal make up goddess I’ll lose my reputation as the Regina George of the school”
  • “But keep the one where I’m wearing no make up so that all those bitches know I still kill it without trying”
  • “Oh come on, you know I’d never do anything to embarrass you! Speaking of which, that video I posted on youtube the other day of you falling down the flight of escalators in the shopping centre has reached over 1000 views”
  • “My dad told me tattoos were trashy so I got a giant tattoo saying ‘trashy’ on my back I’ll send you his reaction later”
  • “I’m not a sentimental person but if you touch my teddy bear I will turn you into a stuffed trophy to put next to him”
  • “What do you mean I look smug this is my normal face”

Indie Game Devs: This hot new pixel-graphics platformer is SO BLISTERINGLY HARD that your EYES will SHIT and your FINGERS will DIE. Absolute precision is required in our game HELL OF SPIKE FUCK. I Wanna Be The Guy meets Super Meat Boy with FLOATY, IMPRECISE CONTROLS, SPIKES ON EVERY SURFACE EXCEPT FOR THE SINGLE PIXEL YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO LAND ON, and only ONE LIFE to get you through the FIVE THOUSAND LEVELS. Do you think you can make it through all 5000 floors? FUCK YOU. If you die in the game, YOUR CONSOLE LOCKS UP AND SPIKES EXPLODE FROM THE CONTROLLER, KILLING YOU INSTANTLY. Perfect for fans of classics like Megaman and Castlewolfenstein! 

Me, A Humble Gamer:

“Lemonade” poetry bits

Intuition

I tried to make a home outta you.
But doors lead to trapdoors. A stairway leads to nothing.
Unknown women wander the hallways at night.
Where do you go when you go quiet?
You remind me of my father, a magician. Able to exist in two places at once.
In the tradition of men in my blood you come home at 3AM and lie to me.
What are you hiding? The past, and the future merge to meet us here.
What luck. What a fucking curse.


Denial

I tried to change.
Closed my mouth more.
Tried to be soft, prettier.
Less…awake.

Fasted for 60 days.
Wore white.
Abstained from mirrors.
Abstained from sex.
Slowly did not speak another word.

In that time my hair grew past my ankles.
I slept on a mat on the floor.
I swallowed a sword.
I levitated… into the basement, I confessed my sins and was baptized in a river.
Got on my knees and said, “Amen.” And said I mean. I whipped my own back and asked for dominion at your feet.
I threw myself into a volcano.
I drank the blood and drank the wine.
I sat alone and begged and bent at the waist for God.
I crossed myself and thought… I saw the devil.
I grew thickened skin on my feet.
I bathed…in bleach and plugged my menses with pages from the Holy Book.
But still inside me coiled deep was the need to know.
Are you cheating? Are you cheating on me?


Anger

If this what you truly want.
I can wear her skin…over mine.
Her hair, over mine.
Her hands as gloves.
Her teeth as confetti.
Her scalp, a cap.
Her sternum, my bedazzled cane.
We can pose for a photograph.
All three of us, immortalized.
You and your perfect girl.

I don’t know when love became elusive.
What I know is no one I know has it.
My father’s arms around my mother’s neck.
Fruit too ripe to eat.

I think of lovers as trees…
…growing to and from one another.
Searching for the same light.
Why can’t you see me? Why can’t you see me? (Why can’t you) Why can’t you see me? Everyone else can.


Apathy

So what are you gonna say at my funeral now that you’ve killed me?

Here lies the body of the love of my life, whose heart I broke without a gun to my head. Here lies the mother of my children both living and dead. Rest in peace, my true love, who I took for granted, most bomb pussy, who because of me, sleep evaded. Her shroud is loneliness.

Her God was listening.
Her heaven would be a love without betrayal.
Ashes to ashes…dust to side chicks.


Emptiness

She sleeps all day…dreams of you in both worlds.

Tills the blood in and out of uterus. Wakes up smelling of zinc.
Grief, sedated by orgasm.
Orgasm heightened by grief.
God was in the room when the man said to the woman, “I love you so much. Wrap your legs around me and pull me in, pull me in, pull me in.”
Sometimes when he’d have her nipple in his mouth, she’d whisper, “Oh my God.” That, too, is a form of worship.
Her hips grind pestle and mortar, cinnamon and cloves, whenever he pulls out.

Loss.
Dear moon, we blame you for floods…for the flush of blood…for men who are also wolves. We blame you for the night, for the dark, for the ghosts.

Every fear…
Every nightmare…anyone has ever had.


Accountability

You find the black tube inside her beauty case.
Where she keeps your father’s old prison letters.
You desperately want to look like her.
You look nothing like your mother.
You look everything like your mother.
Film star, beauty.
How to wear your mother’s lipstick.
You go to the bathroom to apply the lipstick.
Somewhere no one can find you.
You must wear it like she wears disappointment on her face.
Your mother is a woman.
And women like her can not be contained.

Mother dearest, let me inherit the Earth.
Teach me how to make him beg.
Let me make up for the years he made you wait.
Did he bend your reflection?
Did he make you forget your own name?
Did he convince you he was a God?
Did you get on your knees daily?
Do his eyes close like doors?
Are you a slave to the back of his head?
Am I talking about your husband or your father?


Reformation

He bathes me…
…until I forget their names…and faces.
I ask him to look me in the eye when I come…home.
Why do you deny yourself heaven?
Why do you consider yourself undeserving?
Why are you afraid of love? You think it’s not possible for someone like you.
But you are the love of my life…love of my life…the love of my life…the love of my life.


Forgiveness

Baptize me…
…now that reconciliation is possible.
If we’re gonna heal, let it be glorious.
One thousand girls raise their arms.

Do you remember being born?

Are you thankful?
Are the hips that cracked…
…the deep velvet of your mother…
…and her mother…
…and her mother?
There is a curse that will be broken.


Resurrection

You are terrifying…
…and strange…
…and beautiful.


Hope

The nail technician pushes my cuticles back…
…turns my hand over, stretches the skin on my palm and says:
“I see your daughters, and their daughters.”
That night in a dream the first girl emerges from a slit in my stomach.
The scar heals into a smile.
The man I love pulls the stitches out with his fingernails.
We leave black sutures curling on the side of the bath.
I wake as the second girl crawls headfirst up my throat.
A flower blossoming out of the hole in my face.


Redemption

Take one pint of water, add a half pound of sugar, the juice of eight lemons…
…the zest of half lemon.
Pour the water from one jug, then into the other, several times.
Strain through a clean napkin.

Grandmother, the alchemist.
You spun gold out of this hard life.
Conjured beauty from the things left behind.
Found healing where it did not live.
Discovered the antidote in your own kitchen.
Broke the curse with your own two hands.
You passed these instructions down to your daughter.
Who then passed it down to her daughter.

My grandma said, nothing real can be threatened.
True love brought salvation back into me.
With every tear came redemption.
And my torturer became my remedy.

So we’re gonna heal, we’re gonna start again.
You’ve brought the orchestra.
Synchronized swimmers, you are the magician.
Pull me back together again the way you cut me in half.
Make the woman in doubt disappear.
Pull the sorrow from between my legs like silk, knot after knot after knot.
The audience applauds…
…but we can’t hear them.


Warsan Shire

heatwave starter sentences

“I can’t bear this heat anymore.”
“I’m melting. I’m actually melting.”
“What? You said ‘get me something cold’. You never implied I couldn’t throw it over you.”
“Don’t be a pussy, it’s just a bit of warm weather.”
“We’re going to the beach. Now.”
“Yes, I’m naked and no I’m not ashamed.”
“Is it socially acceptable to go out in nothing but a wet towel?”
“Wow, you look even worse than I feel.”
“Just how many popsicles have you had already?”
*runs ice cube along the back of your neck*
*throws you into the pool, whether you want it or not*
“If you’re that hot, then why don’t you take something off?”
“No, no, no… not now. It’s way too warm for sex.”
“I’m sweating in places I didn’t even know existed.”
“I went out for ten minutes. Ten minutes! Look at me, I’m basically fried.”
“That looks like a nasty sunburn…”
“You’re not going out there before I’m lathered you in sun cream.”
“I can’t get up… Can you get up? I can’t… I can’t get up.”
“You’re such a stick in the mud! Everyone’s out enjoying the weather and you’re sitting inside complaining about it.”
“Another shower?”
“Please kill me now. This is unbearable.”
“Let’s break into that office block. I’m sure they have air conditioning.”
“I know! Let’s have a water balloon fight.”
*sprays you with a water pistol*
*blows cold air into your neck*
“I can think of some more things to do with ice cubes…”
“This is the perfect timing for an ice bucket challenge.”
“I can’t sleep in this heat.”
“I might as well sleep in the bathtub and it would be less wet.”
“I need refuge, my airco broke.”
“Your neighbours have a swimming pool, right? Let’s sneak in tonight.”
“I’m going to book a holiday to Alaska. Now.”
“I shouldn’t have stayed out so long… I think I have a heatstroke.”
“Is that a rain cloud? Is that a mother fucking rain cloud?!”
“Did you feel that? It was a breeze. We are blessed.”
“Even my cat wanted to take a shower.”
“Don’t smell me. There’s no deodorant that can mask this.”
*throws water balloon straight at your face*
“I take it back, summer is not my favourite season at all.”
“I made an ice water bath, specially for you.”
“If only it was always this nice and warm.”
“I feel lazy and it’s great.”
“Let’s go to the supermarket again and take a very long time staring at the frozen vegetables.”

The signs most prominent features
  • [ as I know them ]
  • Aries: strong jawline, like, can you cut food with that?
  • Taurus: prominent cheeks, high but small
  • Gemini: profound nose, makes you look beyond your years
  • Cancer: adorable smile, like, pls
  • Leo: eyebrows on fleek 24/7
  • Virgo: soft and full but firm lips
  • Libra: brow structure is 10/10
  • Scorpio: that body is to die for omg
  • Sagittarius: your hair is always perfect, even if you just woke up
  • Capricorn: deadly eyes, like a celebrity that will kill you with just one glance
  • Aquarius: that natural smirk will be the death of me
  • Pisces: I'm seriously jealous of those perfect nails
Possessive/Obsessive Spouse Sentence Starters

“You’re mine. Don’t forget that. You promised.”
“Til death to us part. That’s what our vows said.”
“Did you really think this would ‘get better’ after we married?”
“I’m allowed to be obsessed with you, I’m your husband/wife.”
“You should quit your job. You know I can take care of you.”
“Don’t go in today. Stay in bed with me.”
“Mine, mine, mine…”
“No. You can’t go out tonight.”
“I don’t care if you’re just friends. I don’t want you seeing them again.”
“Do I have to lock you up, darling?”
“You will never have to worry about anything ever again. I’ll make sure of it.”
“I’ve been fair to you so far, haven’t I?”
“You’ve been such a good wife/husband so far. Don’t get silly ideas now.”
“I called your work and told them you quit. Now you’ll never have to leave~”
“Where are you going? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You’re late. Tell me what you were doing.”
“You had better not be lying to me, darling…”
“If I find out you’re cheating on me, I’ll kill him/her.”
“You’re so beautiful. I can’t believe you’re mine.”
“I still can’t believe how perfect you are.”
“I worship you.”
“No one else is allowed to see you like this.”
“This sight is for my eyes only. Don’t forget that.”
“ I’m going to hunt down the person that was your first…so that they know you’re mine now.”
“I want people to see the marks I leave on you. So they know you’re taken.”
“You belong to me and no one else.”

anonymous asked:

Do you realize that being fat isn't always good? I mean if you're still healthy it's fine but once it gets to point it starts becoming a health problem. It's not good for that to happen right? Do you want people to slowly waste away and die of heart disease? They're basically killing themselves and it's not a perfect comparison but if you meet a self garner do you want them to stop?

HUZZAH! This is my first psuedo-intellectual anon hate. And my-oh-me, it’s a doozy. I love the condescending “gotchya” tone in this, as if anon is asking ground-breaking, mind-blowing questions and not the same bullshit concern-trolling that has been debunked over and over again. But I’ll indulge anon’s ignorance for the moment, if only so that I have a comprehensive response to link to other fatphobic assholes in the future. 

Put simply, my dear anon, your questions are silly, and you should feel bad about how ignorant, hateful, and fatphobic you come off in this ask.


1. Health is a complex concept that is dependent on many individualized factors. Similarly, weight is complex and depends on many factors completely out of an individual’s control, including genetics, poverty and food insecurity, and trauma history. Neither exercise nor a “healthy” diet result in long term weight loss. 

2. Weight is a really inaccurate, non-evidence based proxy for the concept of health. Hate to break it to you, but the BMI is bullshit, and overweight and obese people actually have lower mortality rates than people in the “normal” category. Yes, you read right, evidence shows that being fat can be good for your health. 

3. Heart disease has links to several risk factors, and “overweightness” by itself does not reliably predict heart disease. In fact, some evidence suggests fat people are better able to survive cardiac events than thin people. Correlation is not causation, yes, even with conditions such as type 2 diabetes mellitus, so it is incorrect to say that having a lot of adipose tissue directly causes illness of any type. Being fat is not per se unhealthy. Additionally, invisible disabilities and illnesses exist, which precludes you from knowing whether ANY given person, whether they are thin or fat, is “healthy”. 

4. Based on 1,2, and 3, it’s clear that you have no idea what someone’s health-status is simply by looking at them. You have no idea whether someone’s weight is “killing them” or causing them to “slowly waste away”, and all the evidence suggests that it’s simply inaccurate to say being fat is enough, by itself, to kill someone. 

5. Linking someone’s health to their moral goodness or worth is inherently ableist. If someone is fat and unhealthy they are still a human being worthy of love and respect. If someone is fat and disabled they are still a human being worthy of love and respect. If someone is fat and eats nothing but “junk food” and never exercises THEY ARE STILL A HUMAN BEING WORTHY OF LOVE AND RESPECT.  

6. Shaming people into the weight loss you deem to be “appropriate” does not work and actually leads to increased weight gain and a myriad of negative outcomes (more discussed in 7 and 8). For example, the “War on Obesity” has been linked to increased disordered eating in pre-pubescent children.  Harm reduction and trauma-informed, client-centered care works better than the shaming, 12-step, crash-diet, “I know more about what’s better for your health than you do” bullshit. 

7. Mental illness kills tens of thousands of people in the United States every year, and shaming someone’s body size under the guise of “health concern” has empirically proven negative outcomes on mental health

8. Fat stigma in the medical establishment and society at large arguably kills more fat people than fat does. Attempts to “correct” fatness such as repeated dieting and “lifestyle changes” have been shown to have negative health outcomes.  

9. Of all the complex health and mortality risk factors that exist, fat seems to be the only one that you care about. Why aren’t you yelling at people you see driving cars or smoking? Probably because your “health concern” for fat people is just thinly veiled fatphobia.

10. THE HEALTH STATUS OF OTHER PEOPLE IS NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS ANYWAY. Right to privacy in personal medical concerns is like, one of those inherent human right things that we have all these laws protecting to the point that it’s a crime to share someone’s private medical information without their consent.  

In conclusion, this fat ass is off to eat some cake, cuddle my cats, kiss my partner, and love my fat body just the way it is. 

 KAI PARKER X READER (SMUT!!!)

HUNGRY

Desc: Reader is a newly turned vampire struggling to control their hunger and heightened feelings for Kai.

Blood sharing & smut included

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“I’m so hungry,” you growled softly, a network of veins crawling to life beneath your eyes. Your whole body ached with a hunger only blood could satisfy, your fangs piercing lightly into your dry tongue. 

You stood in the forest, surrounded by bright green trees, your boots sinking into the rich soil beneath your feet. It smelt of pines and fresh air, but all your mind could do was spin with the urge to feed. Rays of feeble sunlight trickled from the dark clouds that hung low in the grey sky. You tried to be good because you didn’t want to hurt anyone, but you were a newly turned vampire, and animal blood only soothed your cravings slightly. You’d promised everyone you had everything under control, and they’d all bought it. Everyone except-

You heard the whoosh of somebody appearing behind you, and turned to face a cocky looking Kai.

“You can always try the human diet,” he offered. “Running away from me won’t make you any less hungry.”

His lips twitched slightly, forming his familiar & smug smirk. His blue eyes glimmered, his defined cheeks rosy, brown locks smoothed perfectly atop his head. He was stunning, yes, but…

“Kai, you hurt people, and I can’t do that,” you replied firmly. 

“Oh don’t play so innocent,” Kai teased. “I know you’re not the perfect girl you pretend to be.”

You felt your heart miss a beat momentarily, and you swallowed the lump in your throat with a little shake of your head.

“Leave me alone, Malachai.”

“But you’re so much fun, princess,” he smiled, licking over his pink lips.

You rolled your eyes and turned away, waiting for Kai to leave.

“Look, I know why you might not trust me,” he started softly, with genuine concern.

Your eyes fluttered closed, while you tried to block out the sound of his voice.

“But I promise you I can help you through this. I won’t tell anyone that you’d been lying to them, (Y/N). Just, please…let me be the good guy for once.”

You took in a deep breath, the veins under your eyes fading momentarily. 

“You don’t get to be the good guy, Kai. Because you’re not a good guy,” you hissed under your breath, refusing to look at him.

In a second, you were thrown backwards, your back thudding roughly against the sharp bark of the tree behind you. You yelped out, Kai pinning you firmly in place, his aroma overwhelming you, his eyes dark with anger.

“You know what, you’re right,” he breathed over, his voice low. “I’m not good, but neither are you. And don’t give me any of your bullshit, because I know the girl you are, the one you’re scared to show to anyone else. You’re a vampire now, and vampires kill. And as much as you might deny it, I know your pretty little mouth wants to be engulfed with the flavor of warm blood, and with your emotions heightened, you must be dying to try all the dirty little things you’ve never tried before,” he purred huskily.

Your chest rose heavily, eyes flickering over Kai’s annoyingly perfect features. It was impossible to think straight with his chest pressed so hard into you.

“You’re wrong,” you lied.

“Awh, really?” Kai murmured, his blue eyes drinking you up. “So if I did this,” he said, trailing his slender fingers between your thighs, “you’d feel nothing?” 

It was insane how much electricity you could feel through just the whisper of his fingertips, and how you noticed each individual goosebump arising under his touch.

“N-no,” you stammered, with little result.

“And this?” Kai hummed, his hands firm on your waist as he brought his lips gently to your neck. His mouth grazed over your skin, tongue gently swiping over your exposed flesh. Something inside of you stirred, and you involuntarily released a quiet moan.

Kai stopped, squeezing your hips lightly, his lips coming to your earlobe.

“That’s what I thought,” he whispered.

He released you at once, his blue eyes alight with lust. Without a word, he moved to leave you, his point proven. You vamp sped up to Kai, grabbing his wrists from behind, and slamming his body straight into an oak tree before he could react. His back hit the tree trunk hard, but he wasn’t phased at all, the look in his eyes knowing. Your hands trembled slightly, strands of your tangled hair toppling across your eyes. You stared at the malicious bad boy, feeling stupid for the way he made you crumble so easily. You bent forward, touching your forehead to his, eyes locking with his blazing blue ones. You breathed in Kai’s overpowering scent, dark veins crawling across your face as you inhaled. Your heart thrummed loudly, the only thing you could focus on being Kai’s fresh warm blood.

“Do it, (Y/N),” he dared, as if reading your thoughts. Kai raised a wrist to your parched lips, and your fangs sprung back out at once. “You know you want to.”

Without a second thought, you seized Kai’s wrist, bringing it straight up to your hungry mouth. Your fangs sunk deep into his flesh, and the taste of him instantly flooded through your lips. Both your hands came up to pin his arm harder into you, and you groaned in pleasure, your hands trembling from the need for more.

Kai brought his right hand up, and pushed your head gently into the crook of his neck, where he held you lightly. You could feel his cool rings against you as he brushed his fingers through your locks softly, cooing, “that’s right, sweetheart, keep going.”  

You nuzzled into him, the taste of his blood like a drug, the hunger inside you somehow only growing, not yet satisfied. Kai’s mouth hung open, and he let out a soft moan, the sight of your fragile form in his arms too much for him. His eyes grew dark with hunger, veins crackling beneath them. You whimpered against Kai’s wrist before releasing him, your eyes black, his blood leaving a red mess all over your mouth. Kai looked over you with adoration, a lopsided smile on his lips.

“Are you hungry?” you asked him when you saw his eyes.

“Not for blood,” he grinned, his tongue flicking over his fangs.

Kai seized you by the waist and flipped you onto the leaf strewn forest floor, so you grabbed his ankles, throwing him down beside you with a laugh. You whooshed onto his chest, straddling his body and bending over his lips to kiss him before he could react. He responded at once, hands flying up to grab your ass, tongue sliding into your mouth and fighting for dominance with yours. Kai sucked the excess blood from your mouth, a growl emanating from his throat as his lips worked with more force. His faint stubble brushed over your skin, and he squeezed your backside roughly as his lips molded perfectly against your own. You could feel Kai’s large bulge growing beneath you, and your hands instantly reached for his belt buckle. You tossed Kai’s pants off, and then literally ripped his shirt from his chest, your mouth peeling from his to dive into his rippled front. You trailed your tongue down across Kai’s chest before leaving sloppy kisses all over him, brushing your fingertips teasingly across his boxer line. Aggravated by your control over him, Kai flipped you onto your back, peeling off your own clothes, his breath heavy as he delved into your breasts. His name toppled softly off your lips, your head rolling back as he squeezed, sucked, and bit at your flesh. His lips attached around your nipple, and your hands went sliding into his hair as you held him there. The knot in your stomach grew tighter, the wetness between your legs increasing with every second. Every little thing he did to you was filled with so much more intensity as a vampire, and it felt good. Kai removed his mouth, leaving little kisses all down your belly and to your underwear. He hooked his teeth around the lace, removing the fabric easily before taking off his own boxers. Your eyes drifted down to his length, your eyes widening, the lump in your throat growing. Kai caught you staring, and did another one of his smug smirk’s. 

“Ohhh,” Kai sighed, two of his fingers rubbing circles gently against your clit. “I’ve wanted to fuck you senseless from the moment I laid my eyes on you.”

You trembled slightly, eyes flickering over Kai’s sculpted features, “so do it.” 

Kai’s eyes flickered back to your face, and he chuckled with delight. “And I bet you’ve wanted that too,” he purred.

“Please Kai,” you begged with impatience. “Just-”

“Just what, babygirl?”

“Just fuck me,” you pleaded, mouth watering at the sight of him.

Kai smirked, looking pleased, “I’ve broken you, haven’t I? Why haven’t you shown me this side of you before?” he asked seriously.

You closed your eyes, “I-Kai…”

“Tell me,” he whispered.

“I’ve been dead for three weeks now, and your somehow the only one who made me feel alive. I didn’t want to let those darkest parts of me feel for you, but I just…can’t,” your voice cracked at the end. “I need you so much, Malachai Parker.”

He looked you over, his eyes softening with adoration. And then, slowly, he gave you what you wanted. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head as he entered you, his length stretching you wide open. Kai’s hands moved to your hips as he began to mercilessly slam his hips into you over and over again. You cried out in pleasure, a layer of sweat gathering on your forehead. 

“You’re-so-” Kai panted, “tight for me.”

Just the sight of him and sound of his voice was enough for you to want to go over the edge. Kai dragged out the next thrust, pushing into you at an excruciatingly slow pace, his mouth hanging open as he groaned your name.

“More,” you begged.

Kai moved one of his hands to your clit, rubbing vigorously as he began to quicken his pace again, finding your spot in no time. Your hands flew to his back, nails dragging across his flesh as you bounced harshly beneath him. Your breathing got heavier, body convulsing as your screams hit a high, your words ragged.

“FUCK,” Kai groaned, his head falling forward as he gave a sloppy final push, his come instantly emptying into you and filling you up to the brim. Your juices mixed with his, your body still shaking. Kai moaned and pulled out, diving into you at once to clean up the mess. His tongue gave little kitten licks to your heat, his head burrowed between your open legs. Kai dipped his tongue gently once into your folds before releasing you, his chest heaving. He flipped over onto his back, his arms sliding under your body and pulling you close into his chest. You curled up against him, arm dipping under his protective hold as you listened to the strum of his heartbeat. Kai mindlessly started playing with your hair again, his eyes always on you.

“You probably think I’m weak for giving into you so easily,” you said after a long silence.

Kai’s eyes crinkled sadly at this. “No, (Y/N), you’re strong, and that’s why I admire you. You spent so long avoiding me because if we ever got even a little close, it would mean that somewhere inside of you, a part of you felt something for a monster like me.”

“What does it mean that my weakness is you?” you asked softly.

“I don’t know,” he said. “What does it mean that a ‘psychopath’s’ weakness is you?”

Being Sebastian Stan's love interest would include... (Headcanon)

Request: NOT REQUESTED

Summary: The title is pretty self-explanatory…

Word count: 478

Warnings: None

A/N: If you have any other ideas related to this headcanon, PLEASE TELL ME THEM!!!

Masterlist

Originally posted by stuckybarnesrogers


Seb being the perfect gentleman in public
Opening doors for you/helping you up the stairs
But on the set, it’s SOOOO different
Seb constantly tripping you up
Making you laugh behind the camera
Making you laugh during the most inappropriate moments
Director: “Y/N, we are making a horror movie, not a comedy!”
Director: “Y/N, Seb, you have just witnessed your family being killed. I don’t get the joke?”
Director: “Y/N, Seb… You know what? I give up. I retire!”
Fans shipping you to the next level
Fans calling you ‘Mum’ and 'Dad’
Awkward questions being asked at ComicCon panels
Fan: “Y/N, judging  off of the sex scenes you have filmed with Seb and any personal experience, how good is he in bed?”
Y/N: “Why do you need to know that?”
Fan: “A science project for school.”
Y/N: “Oh well if it’s a matter of life and death I guess I have to answer!”
Seb: “Wait! Hold on! What do you mean by 'personal experience’?”
Star gazing in the middle of late night shoots
Seb: “A shooting star! Make a wish!”
Y/N: “What did you wish for?”
Seb: “Another increasingly explicit sex scene.”
Pranking each other on set
Slagging each other off in interviews
Interviewer: “So, Y/N what is it like working with Sebastian?”
Y/N: “Horrific! He constantly messes around, always up to no good, ruins the set. He really is a pain in the butt.”
Seb *voice faintly heard in the distance*: “I heard that!”
Leaving weird gifts in each other’s trailers
Seb leaving you a bouquet of flowers one day and a sex toy the next
The gifts getting weirder and weirder as filming progresses 
Makeup artist: “So what did he leave you today, Y/N?”
Y/N: “A pile of loose change…”
Makeup artist *desperately trying to sound optimistic*: “You never know, it might come in handy one day.”
The loose change did indeed come in handy as you spent the whole day throwing it at Sebastian and screaming at him “PEASANT!”
Having to get over the awkwardness and slight fear of being naked in front of each other
Seb having to take a break because he’d pulled a muscle flexing so much
Filming a fight scene
Accidentally punching him in the face
Sebastian dramatic falling to the floor in pain and pretending to cry, 
Y/N *while flexing and staring straight down the lens*: “Hulk 2.0, will shortly be in a cinema near you.”
Taking pictures at the premiere together
Messing around in the screening
Throwing popcorn at each other
Having to answer questions the next day about a film you didn’t even end up watching
The press tour
Sitting next to each other on plane rides
Watching movies at the exact same time so you can laugh together
Ending up sleeping on each other
The cast picking on you both for being so cute
Being the most stereotypical tourists and pissing off all the local people


A/N: REQUESTS ARE OPEN and constructive crititism is appreciated!

A Cinderella Story | 01

Min Yoongi | Fluff | Comedy | Smut | ACS!au | Fratboy!Yoongi | 

word count: 10k+

warnings: cumplay, mutual masturbation, phone sex, tribute, explicit language

❝ Your infatuation with Min Yoongi has to be what is the most exhausting part of your life, and in an attempt to help you get over him your friends convince you to join an online adult chat room. Unbeknownst to you the online freak you’ve been sexting for the better half of a year is your childhood crush. Just how much worst could this situation get? One fated night, a confession gone wrong and a lost phone with an almost laughable amount of nudes on it will tell all.  ❞


Keep reading

When you feel like you can’t keep going, turn your heart to Allah and say this: “I can’t. But You can. I’m weak. But You’re strong. Take me in, not because of me–but because of You. Your mercy is stronger than my weakness. Your perfection is greater than my humanness. I beseech You to replace what’s lost, mend what’s broken, and allow my hope in You to kill my despair.
—  Yasmin Mogahed
So I got bored and checked the weather for both Almaty and St. Petersburg and they're hilariously different so here's an otayuri drabble

Why the hell Yakov was making him practice in this heat, Yuri had no idea. But he hated him for it.

Sure, it wasn’t drastically hot, but 19°C was hot for St. Petersburg, and Yuri could be enjoying the weather if A: it wasn’t so humid, and B: Yakov wasn’t making him practice.

Yuri tipped his head back, the vertebrae in his neck creaking and tense muscles stretching.

“Hey Yakov-”

“Give me a perfect triple axel into a spread eagle and you’re free to go.” The old man told him, drinking from the water bottle handed to him by Lilia.

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” Yuri said, exasperated. “In this heat?”

“Vitya’s been making Katsuki practice his quads all day, at least I’m not that cruel.” Yakov shrugged.

“Actually, I’m doing this voluntarily.” Yuuri called, taking off and landing a frustratingly perfect quad flip.

“I’ve been trying to make him come home for hours Yakov, this is none of my doing.” Viktor groaned, leaning against the barrier and wiping his brow.

“You said it yourself Vitya,” Yuuri shrugged, pulling off an effortless triple axel into a spread eagle. “I’m going to need to try my best to beat you.”

“I’ve created a monster. I’m doomed.” Viktor sighed defeatedly, gazing at Yuuri.

“And Yurio-” He started, trailing lazily around the rink.

“Don’t call me that.”

“I’m not stopping until I have both records, so I suggest you watch yourself.”

“Getting cocky, now are we, Katsudon?” Yuri asked, cocking a brow.

“Well it’s not the only thing I’m getting.” Yuuri shrugged, taking off into a perfect quad salchow, winking at Viktor as he landed.

“What the fuck have you done to him, Vitkor?” Yuri asked, slightly disgusted at the innuendo.

“I don’t know!” Viktor said exasperatedly.

“Alright, that’s it.” Yakov sighed. “Katsuki, get your ass out of my rink before you kill yourself.”

“I’m not even tired though.” Yuuri sighed, taking off into a quad loop.

“You’re hell bent on destroying my skaters and I can’t have that. Get out before you hurt yourself.” Yakov said firmly.

“But-”

“Yuuri.” Mila started. “We adore you, you’re sweet and talented and everything but with every jump you land, Yakov pushes us that much harder, so please, for the love of god, get the fuck out of the rink.”

“Okay, okay.” Yuuri sighed, finally skating off of the rink, Mila earning an exhausted ‘thank you’ from Viktor, who followed behind Yuuri.

“Yura. Triple axel. Now.” Yakov said firmly, folding his arms.

“Seriously?!”

“Yes. Now.”

“I’d like to see you do it, old man.” Yuri huffed, crossing his arms.

“Just do it, Yuri.” Yuuri called. “Anyway, we’re leaving for today, guys.”

“Finally!” Georgi groaned.

“Please take like, the next week off, you’re making us look bad.” Mila joked.

“No actually do, you’re driving me insane.” Yuri called.

“And Yakov said I couldn’t coach anyone.” Viktor smirked, pecking Yuuri on the cheek.

“Just leave already.” Yakov sighed. “Yuri, triple axel. I’m waiting.”

“For fucks sake, do I have to?”

“Do you want to lose the Olympics?”

“… fine.”

“That’s what I thought.”


Yuri unlocked his dorm, dumping his duffle bag at the door and kicking his shoes off. It’d been a week since Yakov and Lilia’s asshole of a son kicked Yuri out of his mother’s house.

He stalked over the mini fridge in the corner of his room, opening it and pulling out a cold can of fanta, wrenching open the tab and flopping down on his bed.

He pulled his phone out of his back pocket, unlocking it and opening up whatsapp, ignoring the 689 missed texts from the Barcelona GPF group chat and scrolling to Otabek’s contact, selecting video call.

Otabek picked up after around the 3rd ring, and the imagine Yuri was greeted with wasn’t what he expected.

A flushed, tanned, sweaty, muscular chest and a giggling little girl in the background. The camera shakily carried up to Otabek’s face, where it was obvious that he older boy was fast asleep.

“Bekaaaa!” Giggled the little girl, a bony little hand with garish pink nail polish and ratty bracelets pressing down on Otabek’s chest. “Oyanw! Beka! Käne Beka!”

Otabek made a weird noise between a snort and a squawk, eyes snapping open suddenly as he lurched forwards.

“Sälem aytşı Yura!” The little girl giggled.

“Natya…” Otabek murmured groggily. “Nege telefonım bar?” He asked, reaching for the phone and pulling the little girl to the side. “Bul öte jaramsız.” He scolded, blowing a raspberry into the little girl’s cheek.

“Um… is this a bad time?” Yuri asked awkwardly, taking a sip from his soda can. “I can go…”

“Crap! Yura, I forgot. Sorry, I fell asleep and my little sister took my phone-”

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” Yuri shrugged. “It’s kinda cute.”

Otabek laughed, ruffling his sister’s messy black hair.

“Sälem Yura!” She grinned, waving at the screen.

“She says hi.” Otabek grinned, translating.

“Hi Natalia.” Yuri smiled, waving back, earning a gap-toothed grin from the little girl.

“Natya, Siz bizden kete alasız ba?” Otabek asked his sister, slipping back into his native tongue.

She nodded, waving at the screen.

“Bayt Yura!” She giggled, running off.

“She’s adorable.” Yuri smiled, sipping from the can again.

“I know.” Otabek grinned.

“Did you teach her to call me that?”

“Call you what?”

“To call me Yura?”

“She’s called you that since she saw you on TV at the Russian Nationals two years ago.”

“Why though?”

“Don’t look at me, she just does.”

Oh, Yuri was look at him.

“Why aren’t you wearing a shirt?”

“Huh?”

“You’re half naked. At least I think you are… I can only see your chest.”

“I’m wearing underwear if that’s what you’re asking.” Otabek snorted, flashing Yuri a crooked grin.

“Really? No pants?”

“It’s too hot.” Otabek shrugged, reaching for a something offscreen and bringing a glass of water to his lips.

“Seriously? Isn’t it like, 19°C? Kinda pathetic. And that’s coming from a Moscow native.”

“It’s 36°C over here.” Otabek said flatly.

“Damn, your coach makes you practice in that heat?” Yuri asked incredulously.

“Nah. Training’s cancelled. He’s passed out in the porch.”

“Lucky bastard. Yakov’s been forcing me to train.” Yuri huffed.

“Watch your language, Yura. My family is in the vicinity.”

“I’m like 300 miles away they can’t hurt me.”

“My cousin will find you. You know what Aleks is like.”

“And I hope you boys are keeping it PG-13!” Came the call of cousin in the background, causing Otabek to flush slightly.

“ALEKS!”

“I’m just saying! Your mother wouldn’t be too happy if she saw you-”

“Aleks, sabırlılıqtı toqtatıñız Beka!” Came a call.

“Dude I can hear like, your entire family, where are you?”

“In my back yard.” He shrugged, switching the camera so Yuri could get a view of the lush, green garden, and the hammock Otabek was laying in.

“Its huge!” Yuri gasped. “Your family must be loaded!”

“My mother was an Olympic silver medalist. That kind of set us up for quite a while, then I started to send money home whenever I got it.” Otabek shrugged. “Joq, Natya, şlangini tömenge ornatıñız!”

Yuri heard giggling in the background, along with running water. Otabek shifted, the camera shaking a bit as he moved.

“My sister has a hose, I’m going inside.” He explained as a jet of water splashed behind him. “Nope nope nope nope. Not today.”

“Are you afraid of getting wet, Beka?”

“No I just don’t want to get- AH!”

“Are you okay?” Yuri asked, cocking an eyebrow at the maniacal cackling heard in the background.

“Yeah, my sister just got me in the ass while I was running inside.”

“Damn, good aim.”

“Yeah,” He said, camera shaking as he went up the stairs, opening the door to his room and pushing in. “Yura?”

“Still here.”

“I’m gonna need to change but I’m too lazy to disconnect the call, can I just put you against a pillow so you don’t see anything?”

“Sure.” Yuri shrugged, tossing his empty soda can into the trash.

The screen went a dark reddish-brown colour as it was pressed against the pillow, the camera suddenly flipping just as the screen went black.

Yuri could see Otabek pull away, turning around and pulling down the damp, dark grey boxers.

What the hell was Yuri supposed to do?!

The rational thing to would be to tell Otabek 'hey the camera accidentally flipped and I can see your ass and probably dick but I’m not sure’, but for some reason Yuri couldn’t speak.

Otabek turned in the direction of the camera, humming to himself as he stopped up the boxers and tossed them into the laundry hamper at the edge of his room, walking over to a chest of drawers and pulling out a pair of boxers.

Otabek quickly pulled the boxers on, rooting through the drawers and pulling out some shorts and a t-shirt, putting those on too.

He reached for the camera, which suddenly flipped back to front facing as it was being pulled away from the pillow.

“Sorry I took so long- Yura, are you okay?” Otabek asked, suddenly concerned.

“Y-yeah I’m fine. Why are you asking me?” Yuri stammered awkwardly.

“Your face, it’s all… red. Are you sure you’re fine?”

“Yeah yeah I’m fine! I’m just a bit hot and sweaty from practice, I should probably shower.” Yuri said quickly.

“Okay…” Otabek murmured, unconvinced. “If you don’t feel better after the shower, call Viktor or Yuuri or someone like that. And make sure you drink a lot of water. And eat properly. None of that energy bar nonsense-”

“Okay mom, jeez. I’m fine, really.” Yuri said, rolling his eyes.

“Don’t get smart with me, young man.” Otabek said jokingly.

Yuri rolled his eyes, snorting.

“Bye Beka.”

“I’ll see you later, okay? I’ll call you later.”

“I really can’t stop you can I?”

“Nope.”

Yuri laughed, ending the call and flinging his phone onto the other end of the bed and pressing his hands into his face.

Otabek is hung like a fucking horse.

——-

I just winged it ok sorry

The Signs as Cry Baby Lyrics

Aries - Don’t be dramatic, it’s only some plastic. No one will love you if you’re unattractive // Mrs. Potato Head

Taurus - I feel like I’m just missing something whenever you leave // Cake

Gemini - A little bit of sugar, but lots of poison, too // Milk & Cookies

Cancer - You take things so hard, and then you fall apart // Cry Baby

Leo - So what if I’m crazy? The best people are // Mad Hatter

Virgo - Everyone thinks that we’re perfect; please don’t let them look through the curtains // Dollhouse

Libra - Someone told me stay away from things that aren’t yours, but was he yours if he wanted me so bad? // Pacify Her

Scorpio - I wanna make you mine, but that’s hard to say. Is this coming off in a cheesy way? // Training Wheels

Sagittarius - I’m sick of all the games I have to play // Soap

Capricorn - You were comforting and quiet; how did love become so violent? // Teddy Bear

Aquarius - If they say to kill yourself, then you will try it. All the makeup in the world, won’t make you less insecure // Sippy Cup

Pisces - Chasing after you is like a fairytale, but I feel like I’m glued on tight to this carousel // Carousel

Humans are space orcs

I don’t know if this one has been done, but I love the humans are space orcs tags. Humans are super influenced by things around us. Colors, smells, sounds and designs can make us go from happy and productive to agitated and morale sucking with the wrong combination of any of these.

________________________________________________________________

Xa’thyn: Human Kara why will you not go to the infirmary if you are sick?

Kara wipes her nose on the edge of her uniform: It’s just a cold, and the infirmary makes it worse!

Xa’thyn: Receiving medicine will worsen your sickness!?!

Kara walking away: Well no, but like, the lights give me a headache and whatever you guys use to serialize the Infirmary makes my eyes water and I want to rip my nose off

Xa’thyn quickly catalogs this new info with the captain and applies for a human habitat specialist to come in and fix this oversight.

________________________________________________________________

Xa’thyn nervously clicking behind the comm desk: Human Ben… You have not yet taken your usual *Bathroom break*

Ben leaning back in his new office chair: Haha, ‘Thyn my man, I was taking double the bathroom breaks because the old chair was slowly killing me

Xa’thyn waving his 6 arms in the air and clicking wildly rushes to his favorite human: Human Ben! How could you have not told me!?!?! 

Ben: No! Chill dude, it was just not built for prolonged human sitting. So, sitting there hurt my back and sh*t, so I had to get up and walk around. This new one is perfect! Plus I got my music device approved so I can just plug in and just FOCUS. You know?

Xa’thyn was unaware humans could plug into anything, still he rolled his whole body in the Genri version of a nod.

________________________________________________________________

Kara, Ben and Xa’thyn discussing which deck cafeteria to eat at

Kara: Anywhere except deck 5! The faces on the wall kinda kill my appetite!

Xa’thyn: Are you feeling quite well Human Kara?

Kara exchanging glances with Ben: uh… yeah?

Xa’thyn: Do you need to go to the newly renovated infirmary? You are seeing things! There are no faces on the wall on deck 5…

Ben: No, Dude, it’s a human thing, we tend to project images that we know onto other things. We know that there aren’t really faces on the walls, but the weird texture on there kinda looks like faces if you focus.

Ben turns to Kara: I say we go with deck 8. I know it’s mostly Quasiri food, but it smells just like my abuelita’s kitchen, makes me the nice kinda home sick.

Xa’thyn falls slightly behind his human friends. One talon scratched his left pincher in confusion. Maybe he will never understand humans!

(This started as a response to this post of @rcmclachlan‘s but immediately took on a life of its own and got so long that I think it would be rude/derailing as a response, so here it is as its own post, sorry about whatever this is.)

I’ve just decided that Yuuri Katsuki is the Hugh Dancy of photoshoots, in that every photographer meets him, goes slightly cross-eyed, panics, and starts throwing questionable props at him and putting him in ridiculous situations.

Yuuri Katsuki as Hugh Dancy drinking a mojito on a ladder in a pool for no reason.

Yuuri Katsuki as Hugh Dancy Not Knowing How Chairs Work

Yuuri Katsuki as Hugh Dancy In Eyeliner And A Collar


Yuuri thinks this is just how photoshoots work, don’t they?  It’s how his have always worked, anyway, he sort of assumes his photos always seem so weird because it’s just some flaw in him, that he’s so unattractive photographers have to distract from his terrible face and katsudon body with weird settings and poses and props. 

At some point Phichit tries to sit him down for a conversation about how he has to stop doing That Look at his photographers because it incapacitates them and that’s what leads to things like that photoshoot where he’s balancing a pumpkin on his head while a chicken stares at him.  And Yuuri is just all; what look, I am trying not to make eye contact at all, it’s the only way I can survive having so many people looking at me, why are there so many makeup people.  And Phichit has to explain that it comes off as gazing coyly up through your eyelashes, Yuuri, you were practically batting them at the poor man and Yuuri just wails I COULDN’T SEE HIM, YOU TOOK MY GLASSES AWAY, I WAS SQUINTING.  

Phichit just: that poor man, he thinks you’re practically engaged, please wear your contacts and stop accidentally making people fall in love with you, I am running out of space on my wall for photos of you not knowing how different kinds of furniture work.


What I’m saying is that when Yuuri eventually stammers out to Phichit that he’s thinking of having some, you know, *lowered voices*, boudoir photos taken for Viktor’s birthday, Phichit’s response is twofold.  

First: get him, Tiger.  Second: hire a lesbian who will not give two fucks about your Eros but actually understands photography. It’s the only way they will turn out actually-sexy and not you naked-but-strategically-draped-in-goldfish, standing en pointe in a Home Depot, for some reason, waving a box of crackers.

Phichit assumes his advice was followed when Viktor’s one and only social media post on his birthday is I AM DEAD. I AM DEAD AND MY PERFECT AND PRECIOUS HUSBAND HAS KILLED ME, RIP ME, MY SOUL HAS LEFT MY BODY, I AM ASCENDING TO A HIGHER PLANE NOW.

Then again, who knows.  That’s also the sort of thing Viktor posts on any random Tuesday if he caught a glimpse of Yuuri’s ankle during dinner or something.

Phichit sends Yuuri a thumbs-up emoji anyway, because he’s an idiot and needs all the encouragement he can get.

the signs as lorde lyrics that spoke to their soul

aries: it’s in your bloodstream / a collision of atoms that happens before your eyes / it’s a marathon run or a mountain you scale without thinking of size // bravado

taurus: when you’ve outgrown a lover / the whole world knows but you / it’s time to let go of this endless summer afternoon // hard feelings/loveless

gemini: well, summer slipped us underneath her tongue / our days and nights are perfumed with obsession // the lourve

cancer: i ride the subway, read the signs / i let the seasons change my mind / I love it here since I’ve stopped needing you // writer in the dark 

leo: cause I remember the rush, when forever was us / before all of the winds of regret and mistrust / now we sit in your car and our love is a ghost // hard feelings/loveless 

virgo: every perfect summer’s eating me alive until you’re gone // liability

libra: you’re my best friend and we’re dancing in a world alone, a world alone, we’re all alone // a world alone

scorpio: all the gunfights and the limelights and the holy sick divine nights / they’ll talk about us, all the lovers, how we kissed and we killed each other // sober II 

sagittarius: we were wild and fluorescent / come home to my heart // supercut

capricorn: i live in a hologram with you // buzzcut season

aquarius: we’re hollow like the bottles that we drink  // 400 lux

pisces: i care for myself the way i used to care about you // hard feelings/loveless

Bearded Bucky.

Author’s Note: I’m sorry guys. I’ve got two series to continue but this man is killing me. I couldn’t stop myself from doing this so I hope you like it. Dishonour on you, Mr. Stan.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader.

Warnings: Bearded Sebastian, 18+ (If you are a minor, go away), NSFW, Oral Sex (I mean, OF COURSE), Language, Unprotected sex (Wrap it! Use a condom!), .

Words: 2.476


You groaned as Natasha pressed her knee on your chest, sending you to the mat. Your muscles ached and you knew there would be new bruises the following day. 

Your friend looked at you from above, a smirked on her plump and perfect lips. You snored and accepted the hand she was offering you, standing up. On the other side of the room you heard the noise of objects being broken as Wanda used her powers.

You three were the only inhabitants in the Tower at that time along with Tony. He had refused to go with the rest of the time to a mission, argumenting he was too old for that. Nat had replied that maybe he should give the Iron Man suit to a younger man and he had looked daggers at her.

“If Capsicle is able to do it, I can”

“Yeah, the only difference is that even though he’s ninety-something, he looks and feels like a twenty-something young man” You had added, sipping your drink.

“Okay, you two won’t stay in my Tower anymore”

And there you were. That day Scott would bring Cassie as he had to go somewhere to a mission that you didn’t recall. It didn’t matter. The little girl loved the team. 

“So…what do you say?” Natasha started as she took her bag. “Party on Saturday?”

“Yeah, why not? Let’s have a girls’ night now they’re gone”

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customer satisfaction

Originally posted by shitohsehun

woozi x reader smut

20,480 words

a/n: my first woozi fic, my first seventeen fic, my first kpop fic. this was supposed to be something really simple and silly, but my dumb ass had to go and add a bunch of sadness and backstory to it, as always. as you can see, it got dramatically out of hand. i’m so sorry, i hope someone likes it

~ in which you haven’t gotten off in like six months, and lee jihoon is the pleasure specialist, himself. (he’s also a little bit more than that.)


     “I promise you, you won’t regret this,” Wendy reassured you, but they were words she always said right before she convinced you to do something that you definitely would regret. She’d used them very often over the past year, during which she’d somehow convinced you to go on roughly thirty blind dates that she’d set up in her desperate attempts to get you “back out there.” You knew her heart was in the right place, but every single date had been a disaster. The problem was that if she knew a guy who wasn’t already taken, there was a reason for it. The first set-up been with a guy named Jinho who still lived with his ex-girlfriend (in a one bedroom apartment) and adamantly refused to wear deodorant; one guy, Jinwoo, told you he had recently quit his job and moved back in with his parents because he hadn’t had enough time to play League; you’d tried so hard to will yourself to forget the second to last guy, but how could you forget the name (Daehyun) of someone who sat down across from you and proceeded to ignore you for the whole two hours it took him to eat a salad, baked potato, and two steaks before “suddenly realizing” he forgot his wallet, telling you he didn’t think you were his type, and leaving you to foot the bill.

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