you are as old as a hag

What do you think the odds are of me finding a lonely old eccentric millionaire who’d be down for bequeathing his inheritance to a depressed witchy nightmare hag

Excruciatingly Normal

I was running a 5e one-shot wherein the players were officers under an airship captain. During one engagement, the druid shifted into a small animal and hid in the captain’s bag, as circumstances limited the amount of people they could obviously bring with them to an encounter. They got into a fight, the druid shape-shifted without leaving the bag first, and the poor captain was then down one bag.

The airship was currently parked in an impoverished fishing village, so the druid didn’t have a lot of options.

Druid: I search the town for someone who can make me a new bag for the captain.

DM (me): Alright, roll investigation. (He rolls moderately well). You find an old woman sitting on a rocking chair, spinning yarn. She appears to be somewhat of a craftswoman.

Druid: I approach and say, “Hello, Hag! I require a bag”.

DM (me): Uh… do you say exactly that.

Druid: Yes.

DM (me): *Rolls an insight check for the woman to see how much she’s insulted, rolls low* Ok, she takes it as a light-hearted greeting and answers “Alright deary, I’ll have it ready in three days.”

Druid: “But I didn’t tell you…”

DM (me): “I’ll have it ready, don’t you worry.”

Party Cleric: That bag’s going to be soooo cursed.

Three days later

Druid: I go back in the morning for the bag

DM (me): Alright, you walk to her house and find her on her porch, knitting a sweater

Druid: “Hag! I have returned for the bag”

The rest of the party is between laughter and trepidation at what she gives him.

DM (me): The old woman goes back into her house, and returns with a normal leather bag. She holds it out to you.

Druid: Arcana check? 

He rolls well

DM (me): Inspecting the bag, you find out that it’s completely normal. Glaringly normal. Almost  excruciatingly normal, this leather bag.

The party then spends the next ten minutes freaking out over a completely mundane bag, before giving it to the captain. He wonders why they look so nervous after he takes it, but doesn’t bother to ask.  

Boku No Hero Academia Light Novel No.2 Translations

Commence Study Groups!

そろそろの勉強会: Chapter 1, Part 2 [click here for part 1] [Part 3]

(t/n: for some reason I found this quite hard to translate, but it was a quick short part before they switched back to yaomomo and gang, nonetheless enjoy the bakushima! p.s dont forget to read part 1!!! ^_^)

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Mixup

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Warnings: Swearing, talk of periods

Word Count: 1,913

Prompt: After a witch spews it’s spells on Dean and the reader, the reader wishes for something to happen to Dean, and Dean turns into a whiny bitch about it.

Special thanks to @lipstickandwhiskey for betaing.

It was nearly blinding when the purplish-grey dust flew around you and Dean. Before it could all clear out, and the two of you could actually see, Sam had nailed the witch. One bullet, directly through the back of her head, and you were fine. She collapsed into a heap on the ground, and that was that.

Sam’s nose scrunched up as he approached the two of you. “What the hell did she douse you guys with?”

“Some of her freak weirdo witch juice,” Dean grumbled, practically gagging at the stench that was coming from the dust. “I need to shower, like now.”

“Good thing we’re not far from the motel,” you chimed in. “So what do we do with Bellatrix over there?”

Dean scoffed, “really? Out of all the iconic witches, you pick the one from Harry Potter?”

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"valenTEAna" astrolotea on the ru-onion

So like, vitriolina is genuinely mean, the worst of taureans and geminis combined, a sadistic combination for the appearance of ~congeniality~ and a tight leash for shutting those down who dare come for that.

As a Taurus sun, Gemini Moon like myself I understand shutting down and goin into shock before having to do an important ass thing or presentation, and also wanting to be home, but it’s also never a damn excuse!!!!!! Like, when ya friend is reaching out, and ya don’t wanna talk, at least offer that explanation????

I am SO glad it was the earth Signs who clocked her. Aja, Capricorn with a libra moon, saw unjust, and delivered her!!

And I am glad miss Virgo Farrah Cancer Moon, assisted by her sentient wig, pulled out those fuckin receipts on Valentina. That’s real Gemini moon of Val to be dismissive like… which sucks? Because it was also Gemini moon as hell to see her give Farrah that pep talk before she had to lip sync on the show. (What’s the truth)

“Can’t navigate” social media my ass, Shea’s psychic Pisces moon saw those lies??? “Can’t navigate” social media with a GEMINI MOON, THE MOST SOCIAL BUTTERFLY OF SIGNS. Okay yeah, NEXT.

And then JUST now addressing shit on Instagram trying to do some crowd control, but not when ya libra sis is callin you in tears, or when your cancer sis has to go private on IG, I see you sis. I’m a Taurus sun Gemini moon too and I know what we’re capable of. The worst kind of mean is the one that doesn’t admit it. It’s toxic.

Anyway, Shea or Peppermint deserve to win. Period. The. End. (Somebody get me peppermint’s birthday please).

p.s. Astrology is real, and I’m so glad that old hag of a Scorpio RuPaul let everyone expose Valentina on Television. That was a lesson she needed to learn.

Imagine being Professor Snape's apprentice and him protecting you from Professor Umbridge

(I just got too inspire from a hc that was sent in XD hope i did it justice and you all like it :D Gif not mine/found it on google/credit to the original owner.)

You were called into Umbridge’s office again this time this week and this time it seemed she wasn’t going to let you off so easily.

The woman was accusing you of using magic to distract the others while in her class and you couldn’t believe it. Clearly, someone was setting you up and you just didn’t have any of it.

You started to argue with her and after opening your mouth to say one thing against her methods, your realized how utterly screwed you were. The old hag silenced with a glare and sudden smile.

1000 lines it was for you and 1000 lines you wrote. The marks in your hand from her quill had engraved into you so much, you knew they were going to last for a terribly long while.

As she released you, you cursed the wretched woman under your breath and made sure to hide your embarrassing punishment under your sleeves.

Your friends who waited for you by the stairs, quickly went to join you. They asked you countless of questions and you were quick to dismiss them. You asked for the hour and soon enough, realized how late you were to your next lesson.

Although, classes were over for the day, you still had your private potion lessons with professor Snape to attend to. Quickly, dismissing them away, you ran down the stairs and just hoped he was still there waiting.

~~~~

For as long as you could remember, you always had a love for potion making and had from the start of your years at Hogwarts, you begged him to let you learn more and let you help him.

After being so persistent about it, your work finally payed off and he had offered you the apprenticeship you wanted so badly. Your tasks were rather simple, it included brewing some potion, putting ingredients away in new jars, cleaning up the potion room and in exchange professor Snape would give you extra insight in the world of potion making.

At first, it was pretty awkward, him being cold and a little too blunt. He would have a habit of pointing out all your wrongdoings and would rather barge in to handle things himself rather than explain to you carefully.

Surely, you ended up adapting to him and learned to read from his expressions and sighs to correct yourself beforehand, and oddly enough you grew to be right with each and every one of them. Slowly, he became less stuck up with you, nodding in praise and even letting you know you did great and so on.

Your relationship with him became less strained and even in his own classroom, as eventually you were regarded as the only one he had absolutely nothing to say against.

With you being so hardworking and trustworthy, he got used to your frequent company and couldn’t deny he was somewhat attached to you.

~~~~

Noticing the first few minutes pass, he bit his lip in slight annoyance but kept his calm, trying his best to not get too worked up by your sudden and slight tardiness. He moved himself to go work on some stuff beforehand and tried to forget about the time for the little while.

However, soon enough, alone and bored, the few minutes started to become a good hour or so and he was starting to get worried rather than grow angry from the situation.

It was truly strange of you to not be on time, he knew something was keeping you up at that point, certainly he couldn’t ever imagine you missing out on a lesson on purpose, even when you’d be more than sick you’d show your head up and make him have to practically walk you back to your room to keep you from staying.

Certainly something was up and he knew he had to figure it out. Getting up from his seat, he moved towards the door as calmly as he could, collecting his thoughts on a clear and reasonable explanation for this.

As he opened the door, he felt his heart jump in and his eyes widened in surprise to see you so sudden. Out of breath, you pushed him out of the way and quickly got in, preparing yourself to start brewing some potions.

“I’m so sorry, Professor! I-It wasn’t my intention to keep you waiting for so long! I just forgot about today…”

Looking at you back, he frowned at your last words. “Forgot”, impossible he thought, if anything you had every set out date in your notebook and you would even write it out on your hand in the morning just to be sure.

He knew something was off with you, you weren’t yourself. You seemed too distraught and nervous and he had yet to open his mouth.

Trailing his gaze down, he noticed how you kept avoiding showing off your hands as you’d take out the needed ingredients and how you kept them closer to yourself more than usually.

Following your movements, he finally caught a glimpse of something new with you. It was too weird of a sight to see you with gloves all of a sudden and he knew for sure something was up. He approached closer to you, being careful with his steps to not just scare you away and stealthily reached to your shoulder.

Gripping onto you, he made you turn around to finally face him. His eyes went down to your hands and quickly you tried to hide them behind your back. Growling, he tried to force your arm out.

“Y/N…I don’t think you forgot about today…But rather something was keeping you…”, eyeing up from your nervous gaze to your hands.

Reaching down to your wrists, he pulled your hand up, forcing you to look and explain yourself.

“You really expected me to believe that you had forgotten about today…”

You shied your gaze away from that remark and were truly cornered. You didn’t knew what to say properly, feeling like letting him know of what happened would disappoint him a little too much.

From that simple look, he knew you wouldn’t say anything more and he finally had his opportunity. “Take it off…”

“Professor I-”

“Take. It. Off. Y/N…I am not repeating myself…”

With his authoritative gaze upon you from higher up, you sighed in defeat. Doing just as he asked, you slid your glove off the hand he was holding you from, exposing to him your newly fresh scars from your punishment.

You could feel his grip tightening the instant he caught sight of the little red marks. Darkness was filling his eyes and you swore you felt anger coming from the way his grip shook. He knew exactly whose work it was and just couldn’t believe she even dared to lay a hand on you.

There was no way he was ever going to believe you ever did anything wrong, even to her. Gritting his teeth, he pulled your hand closer and traced his fingers along the scars. Feeling and seeing how deep they were, he was fuming at the thought of yourself writing lines and lines, going through such punishment for something you surely hadn’t done.

“Why…”, he asked, wanting to know how to confront the old woman.

~~~

Staying silent for a while, you took a deep breath. From the way he held you, his tone and his gaze you knew you could trust him enough with the truth. As you explained the misunderstanding there was between you and her, he slowly let go of your wrist.

Turning away from you, he made a quick move towards the door, slamming it open as he walked out. Surprised, you jumped and yelped at the sudden outburst.

Registering what had just happened, you realized his intentions and quickly rushed out yourself.

From it had seemed, he was already quite far ahead. He walked as fast as he could, and from his stance and the way he’d stomp, it was clear to everyone who happened to be near by that he was in a hurry to confront someone.

They all made way for him, not saying a word and avoiding his stern gaze. Even the stairs didn’t dare to change as he climbed them up.

You tried your best to catch up to him, and ended up having to run after just to catch a glimpse of him. Finally, you caught sight of him walking towards Professor Umbridge’s office and from the down the hall you tried to beg him to come back.

However, you were too late and already he barged in, slamming the door right behind him. At that sound, the others had grown too curious to not want to know as to what was going to happen.

They all moved in closer to you and to her office, gathering around and trying to keep quiet to listen as to what was being said.

“Professor Snape?!”, the woman yelped at the unexpected visit and sudden slam of her door.

“How dare you enter with no permission?! I did not inv-”

Not caring an instant about her, he moved in closer, towering above her as she sat behind her desk. Frowning and glaring down at her, he snapped.

“What the hell are your intentions towards Y/N?!”

Hearing your name, she faked her ignorance, “I beg your pardon, who?”

“Y/N L/N…”

From the way he said your full name, she realized she couldn’t hide her intention and simply decided to let her thoughts about you known, trying to convince him to her side.  

“Oh that little brat…Enjoys playing jokes a little too much so I gave her what she deserved-”

Not believing for an instant her excuse to have punished you, he groaned in disgust under his breath and staring at her with disdain for even daring using such words to describe you. 

Soon enough he couldn’t stand her anymore with her insolence towards you, he slammed his hands down to her desk, startling her. Cutting her mid sentence, he raised his voice over hers. “You listen to me carefully! And make sure to understand me because I won’t repeat myself!”

He leaned in closer and growled. “The next time I ever see one more scar on my apprentice, Y/N, L/N coming from your stupid quill…or any sort of punishment you can come up with…I’ll make sure it’ll be the last day you’ll ever be seen alive…”

His cold gaze fixed upon her own, he could see the sudden terror in her eyes from the warning he gave her. Smirking arrogantly, he leaned back, straightening himself up.

With nothing else to say, she had to let the man walk out. At his words, everyone outside had gasps and oddly enough your friends kept patting your back and giggling between them from the whole situation.

As the door opened, they all stepped away and tried to act like they hadn’t heard the whole conversation and how defensive he was about you. Your gaze met his as he stepped out. Not caring about the others around, he nodded you over, telling you to hurry and join him for your lesson.

Following his footstep, you couldn’t help but smile, thinking to yourself about how protected you actually were.


Tags : @mad-boggart, @bexholtzmann,@angel-with-broken-wings, @nekodalolita,  @jokergirl26, @zombie-zayde@Erikaaferns, @ecurrier109, @purplemuse89, @fandomwritingismylife, @ichimaruai, @nekodalolita,@samwinchesterhasbeensaved, @happyshaddow94,@master-of-schadenfreude, @my-youth-is-my-own

Impatient

Originally posted by kths

Note:  This stemmed from my four sentence posts that grew into something else entirely.  Just a lot of filth and smut tbh.  This is unedited and rushed, so warning for the bad smut.  

Summary:  You are honor-bound to do your duty as a princess and marry for the good of the kingdom.  Marriage, like many things in your life, is meant to serve a purpose.  But you know you should be grateful because there are far worse fates than being engaged to marry Prince Taehyung.  ~Royalty AU~

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Taehyung is the picture of etiquette and genteel charm during your maternal aunt’s harvest ball.  He dances with the appropriate family members and ladies of the court, but remembers to pay special attention to you, his wife-to-be. He maintains the proper distance during customary dances, hands finding their exact position on non-scandalous places on your body as he was taught to do from an early age.  

Ideal, the members of your court believe.  He is ideal.  You and Taehyung are the perfect match, a beautiful couple to join two kingdoms together through marital bliss.  And you don’t disagree with them for a second.  Despite only just having met the prince (whom you were contracted to marry since birth) for the first time last year, he had not faltered with sending you correspondence – a fact that sends your ladies-in-waiting into swooning fits and gossip.  

You can’t count the number of times they beg to read the letters, and each time you tell them on no uncertain terms that the letters are yours and yours alone.  They remain locked in a secret cabinet back at the castle.  So your ladies-in-waiting are left to imagine what Taehyung writes, their guesses sounding inane to your ears when they titter about romance and love at first sight.  

They don’t need to know that in every letter Taehyung writes, in perfect penmanship no less, he describes how he imagines deflowering you on your wedding night.  

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Suck it, ya filthy, fake Redcoat!

LTL, FTP and all that Jazz. Compared to some of the stories here mine is fairly tame, but considering my age at the time, the effort I had put into the whole affair and the resulting payoff, I would consider this pro enough to fit in here.

I’ve lived in Germany almost my entire life, yet through a twist of fate, I grew up learning the English language as a native speaker, since my father emigrated to Germany from the USA. As such, I’ve always had an American accent when speaking English and I’ve never met anyone who thought they felt the need to complain about it. Every time a teacher asked why I spoke English so well I replied that I am a US National by birth because my Father is from the US. All my teachers seemed quite impressed, except this one Hag, half a lifetime ago… If there ever was an award for creepy Anglophilia, she’d be neck deep in honors and certificates. Instead of encouraging me to speak more so that the other students could learn proper pronunciation from an actual native speaker, like many other English teachers at my school back then did, this woman thought it necessary to berate me for “speaking in such a horrible and filthy manner” and “cure [me] of that insufferable atrocity of an accent.” Mind you, these were actual quotes from this woman. My dad was no help at all. He was fairly ignorant about me being bullied by one of my own teachers, and even went so far as to yell at me to “suck it up and respect my elders”. So, yeah, I stuck it up. It didn’t help that I also wrote in American English (you know, color instead of color, tire instead of tyre, cookie instead of biscuit, that sort of thing) and the Hag had the audacity to write these “mistakes” up as double errors, meaning I got twice points deducted for spelling errors that weren’t even actual errors! I was so fed up with this woman and it wasn’t even two months into the school year.

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The One Who Holds Your Heart » Prince Adam

Request: Can u do a pre-cursed imagine of the reader and prince Adam? I don’t really have a plot I just love pre-cursed Adam:)))

Pairing: Prince Adam x Reader

Fandom: Disney + Beauty and the Beast

Words: 1770

Summary: Adam is in love with you despite you being a maid.

A/N: Okay, so I really want to write a part two to this story and I will! [Name] won’t remember Adam and we’ll go on from there. Anyways, I hope you guys like this!

Part Two: The One Who Breaks The Curse

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Maid For A Day - Dave Hodgman

Author: @mf-despair-queen

Characters: Dave Hodgman/Reader

Word Count: 4345

Warnings: NSFW, 18+, Oral (both receiving in a way), Master Kink

Notes: I blame Persona 5 for this idea. It was just a funny idea and I can see Dave’s friends trying to get him laid. This is kinda just pure silliness that leads to fucking a hot guy.

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2

(So I just realized I spelled ‘taught’ wrong, sorry for the misunderstanding~)

“So, Captain Levi…  Some citizens in the city informed me that here I would have found ‘humanity’s strongest’, but all that I see is just the same little, annoying brat I had to bear a long time ago” you stated, sarcasm dripping from your voice.

You had barged into Levi’s study without even knocking, causing the Corporal to glare hardly at you. The (H\C) woman had been rather sassy and rude, but in his eyes you had never been more beautiful and charming; your (E\C) eyes glittered with excitement and mocking spirit, while you put your foot on the Captain’s desk.

“And I see the same, old, sour spinster I had to listen to a long time ago; is that a wrinkle I see on your face?” he smirked, satisfied with his remark. He would never admit it out loud, but he had missed you, very much so.

“Well it might be. Or it’s just your sight getting worse and worse because of old age” you smiled with mirth and smugness. Back to the old days, the two of you had shared the same kind of arguments everyday, never getting bored of bickering like an old married couple. He had missed that part of you too.

You sat in the chair in front of the man, crossing your legs and planning on testing your long lost student just a little more.

“So shorty, I assume that you’re still the same cleaning obsessed moron you have always been, aren’t you?”

“Yes, just like you’re still the same pathetic old hag you’ve always been” 

“Well I’m happy to hear you say that because starting today I’ll be residing here and now I know for sure that this pathetic old hag won’t be sharing a room with you”

“Tsk like if I would let that happen”

“Oh and who exactly are you to tell me what I have to do, brat?”

“I’m the reason you’re here, aren’t I?” he smirked again thinking about the good old memories he had shared with you.

After all that was just their way of flirting

Hide and seek
  • JK: 1....2....3...
  • Tae: hurry... hurry *grabs yg*
  • Tae: *hides in the closet*
  • Tae-to-yg: *whispers* he's not gonna find us
  • Jk: 45...46....
  • Rest of the bangtan: *successfully hiding*
  • Jk: 50!
  • Jk: Brace yourself old hags
  • Jin&Rm: The fuck you say
  • Jk: OUT!
  • RM: I told you don't overreact
  • 5 mins later..........
  • Jk: All of you are here..
  • Jk: Where are the both of them
  • Jk: IDEA!
  • Jk: *sings loudly* IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW CLAP YOUR HANDS
  • Tae: *from the supply closet* *CLaPs HaNdS*
  • Yg: The fucks wrong with you
  • Jk: Gotya!!!!
  • 30 mins later....
  • Jm: *walks out of the balcony*
  • Jm: I cannot believe you guys forgot about me
  • Jk: All this time you were hiding....o_O

Translation - Page 1 of 4

Deku: “Why… why is Kacchan here?!" 

Bakugou: "Hah?! That’s what I want to say!! I finally find some quiet place, and I have to run into some damn nerd??" 

Deku: "M-me? I came to see the fireworks, ah, is Kacchan too?" 

Bakugou: "You think I went nuts? I’m not interested in that shit!" 

Deku: "Huh? Then why…”

Bakugou: “Damn old hag insisted I come along." 

Deku:‘Kacchan’s mom…’ "I-is that so? I don’t know why you’re alone here then, but what a coincidence, running into you here.”

Art by hiroaca_ake || Translated by seairu​  

Pages → 2 & 3 | 4 //  KatsuDeku Translations

4

“Kuroo and Hinata soon find out that there are a lot of first times in their relationship.The first kiss after an harsh argument. Lips still firm and eyes burning from held back tears. The first time they buy their own vacuum cleaner. It feels like they are finally proper adults.The first time Kuroos favorite cup slides through Hinas hands and shatters into thousand tiny pieces. Slience lies heavy between them, Hinata doesn’t dare to look up. Doesn’t dare to see the disappointment in Kuroos eyes. Until he feels warm hands on his shoulders, wandering up to caress his cheeks. “It is okay, sweetheart.”

The first time they realise the fireworks are gone. There are no longer butterflies and nervousness, but security and the feeling that home is not a place but a person. “I love you”, Hinas grin is so bright it takes Kuroos breath away, leaving him unable to answer”- @cutiepiehinata

Happy Birthday

anonymous asked:

Andreil for your prompts thing. Could you do Andrew sleeping on Neil? And then trusting each other and being soft? Keep up the good work! Your awesome!!

I’m not good at writing soft andreil but here’s some Andrew sleeping on Neil. It’s a bit rough.


Neil had a sickly sweet drink in his hand that he swirled around as his elbow rested on the back of the loveseat. He listened to Kevin’s breakdown of an old Houston Sirens Exy game. He knew that come next fall Kevin would probably debut as the starting striker for the Houston Sirens.

Matt sat at the other end of Kevin’s couch, switching between listening to Kevin ramble and talking to the underclassmen. “But do you even like Texas?” he asked.

Kevin pursed his lips and considered. “I don’t not like Texas.”

“I’m sure he’s gonna love Texas,” a sophomore girl said. “His fuck buddy lives there.” She made a kissy face.

“She’s his girlfriend,” Aaron’s voice was flat. “Stop being a jealous hag.”

“Yeah,” Nicky chimed in. “You don’t hear me griping about how Kevin won’t fuck me at every team gathering.”

Kevin looked nonplussed. He took a drink from his cup before turning back to Neil and saying in French, “Thea said to tell you to hurry up and pick a team so she can … ‘fuck you up on the court.’”

Neil ignored the underclassmen’s complaints and responded, “Yeah, okay.”

“We said no foreign languages on this trip!

Neil opened his mouth to respond but was distracted by Andrew sitting next to him and laying his upper body in his lap. The others went quiet at the sight but Andrew didn’t seem to notice; he just curled up.

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