you are a lizard

anonymous asked:

Hey kiddo! I hate that you're having a rough time. Just imagine going to a drive-thru with a bearded dragon on your shoulder. Ive done that before and the looks you get are hilarious. Just imagine the faces of those poor restaurant workers when you roll up with a giant lizard just chilling on you. Hope that gives you a giggle.

holy shit! i love bearded dragons! i wanted one when i was a kid and some of my friends had some and they were awesome!

Tegu body condition, or: but they’re SUPPOSED to have huge cheeks!!1!

Tegu lizards can make fantastic reptile pets for the experienced owner, but because of their stocky build and highly developed pterygoid muscles (those are the jowls you see), it’s often really difficult to assess their body condition. I took these photos at a reptile show recently. The jowls of a tegu are the first thing people see, and that’s usually all that ever gets talked about. Somebody says “he looks fat” and then somebody else says “he’s supposed to have those cheeks,” but friends, let me tell you a secret: tegus store fat in places other than their jowls. So what I’ve done here is taken a couple of pictures that show you some other ways to assess tegu body condition… without using the jowl size alone as an indicator of obesity! 

These pictures are of a female. She’s ½ black and white, ¼ red, and ¼ blue. Phenotypically she has a mix of traits- because she was under a red light, it was very hard to get a picture of her showing her true colors, but she does have the blue’s “burnt” nose and seems to have mostly red coloration. She is three years old, she is not gravid, and her breeders had her for sale for one thousand dollars. 

The casual observer would probably say something like “dang, that’s a fat lizard!” The well-meaning tegu enthusiast would probably say in response “actually, no, tegus just look like that!” But that’s not true. We shouldn’t be promoting unhealthy animals and spreading misinformation. These pictures are a good example of some hallmarks of bad body condition in a tegu. To show you what those are, I’ve gone through and marked them in these edited versions. This tegu is basking, meaning she’s all spread out to maximize her surface area and soak up the warmth- but even in this position there’s hallmarks of ill health.

1.  A hallmark of obesity is the ear being obscured by fat. When a tegu is basking, the jowl rises to cover a little bit of the ear- but when the ear’s completely covered like that, it’s a bad sign.

2. The mouth should close all the way. If the mouth doesn’t close all the way, the owner should know what caused it and have taken appropriate steps to correct it if possible. Obviously for some congenital things, there’s nothing you can really do- and it can frequently be an injury or the scars of a poor diet that you can’t correct. You’ll see that in rescue tegus a lot. But that’s something a responsible owner is on top of! Jaw deformation can occur in the form of a lateral malocclusion (a side-to-side crossbite), an overbite, an underbite, or a droopy lip that’s dragged down by the massive fat pad the animal’s carrying.

3. There shouldn’t be folds of fat over the wrists and elbows. There should be a clear delineation between the upper and lower forelimb, but these should be strong and muscular. 

4. This is a very tricky one. Tegus are supposed to have a ridge of skin called the lateral line. When they’re obese, it shrinks and sometimes flattens against the body. However, it will usually flatten against the ribs while basking (that’s what it’s supposed to do, it maximizes surface area to let them take in sunshine) and when gravid. I include it here because the lateral line is something that you might not see on a healthy tegu- you have to consider a lot of factors when looking at an animal! This is especially true for females. If they’re gravid (pregnant), they’re going to be VERY pear-shaped and look really obese around the abdominal area. Tegus can lay up to 70 eggs at a time- of course she’s gonna look bulgy! But this girl? Not pregnant. I asked, and the breeder just kinda stared at me for a second, wondering what kind of clueless halfwit would ask if she was selling a pregnant trihybrid. 

Let’s take a look at this gal’s back half.

5. The tail shouldn’t be… for lack of a better word, puffy. A regenerated tail is another story, those can take a number of weird shapes- but this tail is way too fat.

6. There shouldn’t be fat rolls around the limbs. There should be a clear delineation between thigh and calf- there should be an actual joint there- but there shouldn’t be a bulging roll of fat.

7. The feet and toes shouldn’t be swollen. While the front toes- the digging claws- should be fairly stout and strong, the back toes should be slender and long. The foot itself should have a solid appearance and shouldn’t have dimples or rolls of fat going over the toes.

There are many other markers of health that you can see in tegus- some that show good health, some that show poor- and just as many that you can’t see. For a viewer who’s not super familiar with lizard body shapes, a tegu can be very confusing. They’re built for power, not speed or maneuverability. But when you are looking at an animal, these are some of the things that with a little observation, even the most casual observer can look at! Remember, the animal’s a complete being- it’s not just the jowls! 

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He has a 99.99% chance of stealing yo girl

Context: Fighting a surprisingly elusive shock lizard at low levels. DM assured us it was nonlethal damage. Then, on a fumble the monks fall into a deep puddle on a fumble.

DM: Well, considering you’re now soaked and laying in a puddle of water, I think that damage is going to turn lethal now.

Monk: Crap crap crap, uh… Someone first drag me out of the puddle.

<One partymember pulls the Monk out as the others attempt to distract the lizard >

DM: You’re still soaked and quite a good conductor of that lightning it’s been zapping you with. I would advise-

Monk: I strip.

DM: …. you what.

Monk: I tear off my clothing and stand, buck-naked!

DM: Two guards enter the room, having heard a commotion from their pet’s room and are greeted to the sight of ass. [Rolls dice] They both are stunned for one round.

Shadow Of The Colossus has a lot of secrets: That’s part of its charm, in fact. Everything is up for interpretation. For example, in the end credits, you’re shown a beautiful garden that you don’t actually seem to get to, in the game. Video game fans being video game fans, they figured that this place must exist somewhere in the game’s world, and they had nothing better to do than look for it. It was easy: All they had to do was tediously climb the same wall for 20 minutes.

The secret garden is actually up on top of the big-ass tower, whose lower levels serve as your base of operations. In order to get up there, you have to raise your grip bar to its maximum (by finding and killing a shitload of white lizards), and then just start climbing until you run out of tower or will to live. If you lose your grip, or miss a jump, you have a decision to make: Start over, or smash your controller.

Once you get up there, you’ll find a plethora of fruit trees, so you begin to gorge (there’s an achievement for eating all of it, after all), until you slowly notice that your painstakingly maxxed-out grip and health bars are being permanently depleted. The game’s creators straight up Adam-and-Eve-ed you, except that they never bothered to warn you first.

5 Video Games That Mock You For Playing Them

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Recently I was talking with another reptile keeper about reptiles and scents. They said that some reptiles are repelled by the scent of superworm beetles (Zophobas morio). I do not know if this is true or not, but as stinky as these beetles are when you mess with them I could definitely see some reptiles or some animals in general being repelled by the scent of them!

So today I decided to test this info out and see if Odin is repelled by the beetle stink! As many of you know Odin and beetles do not mix well! To remove the risk of Odin eating a beetle I decided to risk my sense of smell and harass some of my adult superworm beetles with a napkin to get the napkin nice and stinky for this test! The answer ended up being NO it doesn’t matter how stinky these beetles are Odin still wants to eat them!!!!

Also for Odin taking the time to participate in this test he got some treats from the bug bin immediately afterwards!