I never knew a sadness like this could exist until after you, that all the light you read about in places you would like to visit can exist in the beat of a heart that only glances your way when the mirror is too full of sunrises we lost a kiss to. I’ve been unwrapping commas at the end of every song that shouldn’t play like your name, every song that missed a step more than our whispers that only outlined the moon. the ocean is a reminder that even beauty can sink without a season to wear, and baby that’s why we never saw eye to eye. Having a hand to hold doesn’t mean you’ll never fall, recognizing laughter amongst stars that keep moving in the direction we should be doesn’t mean you can’t kiss happiness. Tonight, I’m missing a touch I’ll never feel again, lips I lost to the past I can only visit in, a heart that has healed in a shape that has pushed out my name, and maybe just because I broke your heart, it doesn’t mean I own it. So I’ve been owning up to my mistakes. 1. I should’ve loved you more, but instead I left us with more reasons as to why number 2 makes sense. 2. I always wondered why they made sure we use number 2 pencils to erase a problem that couldn’t be answered because we didn’t study, so we’ve been failing and you can’t Christmas tree the scantron if all you’ve been trying to do is find the angel on top that doesn’t have wings or a halo to match, that’s the problem with the youth. We don’t listen long enough to hear the true meaning. We just say, yeah, I’m listening. I am paying attention. I am here. 3. I should have demanded your pulse, I should have given life to you, but we chose lust and death to paint our insides. Black is in once again and I fear, this time I’m all out of colors to name the stars into holes that we can’t fill. I’m all out of light, I’m all out of excuses. I want you, but I don’t want you. I need you, but I hate that I need you. I fucked up, but I just wanted us to work. I can’t get you out of my head, I just tell people that I already did. I can feel you in my heart, but I could’ve sworn you tore our limbs off and lost your apologies when we kissed Limbo two knees deep into lava, we were just kids experimenting with science fiction and proclaiming that if love was a rocket, then we’ve got the safest trip. To the moon and back, to the stars and afar. Submarine kind of dance, I’ll be at the ocean floor waiting for your feet to hit the ground, black cat with nine lives– I’ve killed myself a dozen nights to forget the fight or flight response. I fly into your arms when I’m weak. I fight myself to recognize my own beauty. We were designed for this, a hack straight down your spine, where is my mind? I have lost it. Have you seen it? If you do, please tell it to return. Home is where I long to be, you is where I am no longer. Arms used to be pillows and lips used to rooms that we could live in. Which words did we say the most again? Somewhere under these stars, surely, we have found the answers. Lover, dear lover, throw us to the wolves and never worry if the moon is howling instead of shining.
1. Our bodies and our eyes become heavy with the love and lust that lingers in the space between us
2. Our throats desiccate as our shaky breaths control our lungs
3. The world becomes softer as our vision gets hazy from our dilated pupils
4. The goosebumps on our skin betray any sense of secrecy that hid our sensations
5. We can no longer control ourselves.
AN: This is more of a Bellamy centric chapter, finally having a bit of a conversation about pasts with Reader and Bellamy. I enjoyed writing this but I do feel like Bell is a bit OOC…. I don’t know i’ve struggled recently with writers block so I hope its still good.
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Trying to hunt with this group of boys was worse than
useless. None of them could move quietly through the forest, the snapping of
branches beneath their feet and heavy breathing would alert anyone or anything
in a 10 mile radius of the group.
You were throwing the axe Bellamy had given you around in
circles in one hand, your eyes flicking between the boys in the group. There
was definitely still noticeable tension between Bellamy and Atom. Although you
guessed that was what happened when an older brother caught someone making out
with their little sister.
“You look tense”
Atom jumped looking down at you “Y/N” he was so twitchy it
was a wonder he hadn’t accidently put his knife in you when you got close.
“You and ‘high and mighty’ over there still at odds?”
“The one and only”
Atom nodded “I deserve it, shouldn’t have let myself get
tangled up with his sister”
You moved to stand in front of him “Atom wait” you raised a
hand to stop him from moving any further “Do you like O?” He’d frozen at your
words looking a bit like a deer stuck in headlights. “It’s alright Atom I’m not
going to hang you from a tree I just want to know”
His head jerked forwards “Of course I like her”
You’d thought he did, had noticed the looks they’d been throwing
around between the two of them when they thought no one was looking.
“Good, Octavia likes you too”
“Of course she does, honestly why are men so fucking stupid
sometimes” you pushed the base of the axe into his chest. “Yes she likes you.
So stop worrying so much and instead talk to her will you”
“What about Bellamy?”
You glanced forwards into the forest finding Bellamy’s broad
back disappearing further into the trees. “I suppose you need to decide just
how scared of him you are”
“I’m not scared of him” he denied instantly.
“Then why does it matter what he thinks?”
“I guess it doesn’t” he muttered softly to himself. You just
smiled and left him thinking about whatever it was that did indeed scare him
You were all walking further into the forest and finally
they were starting to walk somewhat quietly. You’d spread out into a rough
triangle with you and Bellamy at the back. The oink coming from behind you all
made you freeze in place, hand tightening around the handle of the axe as you
glanced at Bellamy. He placed a finger over his lips, eyes meeting your own.
“She’s mine” he mouthed silently.
You weren’t too bothered about letting Bellamy kill the
innocent pig so stayed still as Bellamy turned. What did set you on edge though
was the sound of a branch snapping beneath something that wasn’t a boar hoof.
Bellamy too obviously heard it because he threw the axe, it
lodged firmly in a tree inches away from the head of a very young girl. She was
pale as she stared at the axe lodged near her head. When you’d been sent from
the ark on the drop ship the age limit for the hundred had been 13. This girl
didn’t look like she was days over the age limit.
“Who the hell are you?” Bellamy snapped, obviously annoyed
at having missed the boar. The other boys had run off after the boar leaving
only you and Bellamy with the girl.
“Charlotte” she whispered her voice wavering with nerves.
“I almost killed you! Why aren’t you back at camp?”
She was shuddering now with fear, as her eyes slipped to
you. Obviously deciding that because you were a girl you were less likely to be
angry at her. It didn’t work that way though and you weren’t going to save her.
“Well, what with that guy who was dying, I just… I couldn’t
Bellamy looked at you this time, his raised eyebrow obviously
saying I told you so. You didn’t want to talk about Jasper though anymore, you’d
explained why you were protecting Jasper and you had no more desire to talk
with him about the boy in dropship.
“It isn’t safe out here for little girls” you told Charlotte
“there’s grounders they could have taken you”
“I’m not little” she defended immediately. Mouth turning up
into a frown that reminded you of Octavia when she’d been a teenager.
Bellamy was the one who pulled out a knife handing it over
to instructing her that she couldn’t be out here without a weapon. You watched
as Charlotte suddenly smiled running off after the other guys leaving you alone
with Bellamy once more.
“Giving Children weapons now Blake?”
“Better than leaving her out here unprotected”
Unfortunately you weren’t able to argue that point. He was
right, after what had happened to Jasper it wasn’t safe for anyone to be out of
the camp without some way to defend themselves, even if that person was nothing
more than a 13 year old child.
“We need to keep moving” you said instead of agreeing with
him, you didn’t think it was possible for you to agree with him.
Bellamy let the change of subject go surprisingly and
instead waved you forwards continuing on into the forest.
The screams coming from in front of you in the forest made
you spin, Bellamy beside you went still as you both looked through the tree’s
trying to see what was happening.
“Knife” you told Bellamy gripping your own weapon in your
“Look” Bellamy pointed in the opposite direction and
following his hand you saw the yellow fog curling through the trees and
approaching you all slowly.
“That can’t be good” you spun as the screams started again
noticing that the fog was coming from the other direction as well. It was
starting to surround you both. “Bellamy I think we need to move”
He evidently agreed as he grabbed your hand and pulled hard
taking off into the woods. You ran behind him as the fog started to gain
ground, screaming was coming from all around you now. Bellamy suddenly stopped
eyes flicking to his right as he veered off the path you were about to yell at
him when you saw what he did. A cave, speeding up the two of you burst into the
cave the fog in moments later blocking the entrance.
You stood there for a moment before reaching out and
carefully putting your fingers into the fog. Hissing in pain as it touched your
skin. It was burning, you looked at the pads of your fingers as where the fog
had touched what looked like acid burns were growing.
“Looks like we’re stuck here”
Bellamy grabbed you wrist bringing your fingers closer to
his face “that was stupid”
“We needed to know, now we know”
You pulled away from him to move away from the entrance
exploring the cave, it wasn’t big and took minutes to reach the back and the
only ledge on which you sat watching as Bellamy began pacing up and down the
“You’re making me dizzy Blake”
He paused close to you, eyes meeting your own “I’m making
you dizzy?” he repeated “You’re unbelievable”
“Really?” you raised one eyebrow at him “and why is that?”
“We’re trapped in a cave by some sort of acid fog, all we
can hear out there are screams and we don’t know where anyone else went but you’re
“Bellamy we’re apparently stuck here for however how long it
takes for that to vanish so why don’t you just sit down and stop being so unbelievably
annoying for a moment” you closed your eyes ignoring his next movements and
laying down on the cool rock.
Of course your life could never be easy because as you laid down
you managed to catch your recently stitched arm on the rock. Wincing you couldn’t
help the gasp that slipped out.
Your eyes flicked open when Bellamy suddenly took your hand
in his own pulling your arm out and lifting your shirt to stare at the stitches
there. They were red and angry looking. You were staring at Bellamy’s face as
he looked at your arm.
“How did you do it?”
“You saw how I did it. On a tree”
He shook his head “No, how did you stay so still? Let Clarke
put stitched in your skin with no anaesthetic”
His finger gently trailed the line of stitches. Clarke had
been neat and precise with them. Even so you’d have a scar it was too deep to
not leave a mark. Just one more to add to you growing collection.
“It was either stitches or infection. I chose the lesser of
“Is it alright?” he asked after another pause.
“I’ll live, I promise you”
His eyes flicked back to your face, his hand still holding
onto your own and your arm still held between you both. “Do you realise that
you use sarcasm to deflect any kind of question that you don’t like or don’t
want to answer?”
“Seriously? You’re going to analyse me? Because you’re so
well adjusted yourself” he finally let go of your hand and you rested your arm
over your stomach hiding the wound. “After all I’m not the one who shot someone
to get on a drop ship that came hurtling down to the ground. A ground that
apparently is trying to kill us all”
Bellamy simply stared for a moment before having to go and
open his mouth “No you just murdered your own mother?”
It felt like someone had punched you in the gut. Others had
said those words to you before yet when Bellamy had just said them it hurt all
“You don’t know what you’re talking about” you’d curled up
into yourself knees up to your chin as you refused to look at him.
“It seems like we’re not so different after all are we Y/N”
You watched from under your eyelashes as he sat on the floor
in front of you. He was starting to look tired, the shine of the Ark was
wearing off. Hair no longer slicked back but falling all over the place in
random curls, smudges of dirt were covering his face and arms and rips were
starting to appear in his clothes. Not that you looked much better, hair
braided to stop it simply being a tangled mess, you already had stitches in
your arm and were probably just as dirty as he was.
“How did you meet Octavia?”
His voice made you jump, you’d not expected him to keep
“I know ironic isn’t it” when he just continued to stare at
you waiting for more you sighed “I’d been in the box maybe 4 or 5 months when
they threw her in the cell next to mine. There were… faults in some of the
walls in the solitary cells. After all no one really came in to fix them. After
a few weeks of listening to her crying I gave in opened the hole and gave her a
“She cried?” Bellamy sounded broken.
“She never blamed you Bellamy” he looked up at you confused.
“What?” you twitched suddenly uncomfortable with his eyes on you.
“That was almost nice Y/N”
“I’m not a bitch on purpose Bellamy, nor do I enjoy deliberately
making people miserable. Octavia was scared, she’d never been out of your
families room and all of sudden she’d been thrown into the skybox without
anyone she knew. She didn’t blame you though, in fact most of the time you were
all she could talk about. She idolises you”
Bellamy was the one who wasn’t looking at you this time,
instead staring down at his hands on his knees.
“I’ll never forgive myself for taking her to that party”
You didn’t have a good answer to that, but you agreed with
him in some respects. There were many things in your life that you didn’t think
you would be able to forgive yourself for. So perhaps Bellamy was actually
right, you both weren’t that different after all.