I resolve to not resolve to try to lose weight in 2014
I resolve to not resolve to try to lose weight in 2014… In light of this time of year and the beginning of resolution making, I have reflected over the last few years of what I have continued to resolve to do and continued to fail at and why I will never make another resolution about it: losing weight.  When I resolved in the past to lose weight…
I had always been OK with being overweight, it actually never really bothered me.  Never had a problem making friends or finding dates, even met and married my husband while overweight.  But for some reason in July 2009, I decided that I did not want to be “fat” any more, joined Weight Watchers, and over the course of about a year and a half lost 95 pounds.  It was great!  I was feeling great and looking better than ever.     My time on WW…   WW worked great for me, at least I thought so.  I worked out 2+ hours a day and counted every piece of food that went into my mouth.  At the time, I had accepted that this is what I would have to do forever.  I was obsessed with working out and with counting points.  Hey, at least that’s better than being obsessed with food right?  And it worked for me, so who’s to complain?     Then there was the injury…   Then I had an injury.  I broke one of my sesmoid bones in my left foot.  I did everything possible to avoid surgery, but nothing worked.  The surgeon said I could deal with the pain forever and be fine, but since I am so young he really recommended I have the surgery to remove part of the bone.  Surgery was supposed to be quick and easy and I was supposed to walk out that day in a boot.  But when I came out of surgery, I was devastated to find out that my foot was much worse than they envisioned.  Instead of the somewhat easy surgery I thought I would have, I had full reconstructive surgery on my foot and was told I would be on crutches another few weeks.  What I didn’t know was how long I would be down and out.  I think back and I think it took probably almost 9 months for me to really be able to just walk correctly again.  I had to have massages regularly because my gait was so jacked up from how I was walking to protect my foot.  To this day my foot hurts, pretty much daily.     I let the depression of it all sink in and went back to eating, only this time, I couldn’t exercise 2+ hours to make up for it.  Because honestly, looking back, even on WW, I overate, I just had the extra points to make up for it, and I was still losing weight so why worry about it.  Over the course of the last two years I have gained almost all the weight back.  Yes there have been times I have lost some weight here or there, but it is all almost back at this point.  There is just no denying it, it is what it is.     Why WW did not work for me, even though I lost 95 pounds…   WW did not work for me, even though I lost 95 pounds.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am not blaming WW!!!  It is a great program that works for a lot of people every day.  However, it just did not work for me or I would not have put the weight back on. After losing 95 pounds and being at a weight that I felt really strong and healthy, I was still 30 pounds from being in WW scale of healthy weight.  My leader would talk to me, weekly, about how great of a leader I would be one day, but you cannot be a leader unless you fit into their little box, and I could not get there.  A weekly reminder that I was a failure at losing weight, 95 pounds was not enough.  At one point I got to where I was about 18 pounds from the range and I was miserable, which I didn’t realize at the time.  Like I said I was obsessed, which is just not a good place to be.  At least next time, I will know better?   Also, having never been a smaller person, I did not appreciate it when I was there, thinking I should always lose more and be smaller.  I didn’t take compliments well.  I was so obsessed with getting into a certain weight range that I did not really appreciate how far I had come.  I could hold a plank for 5 minutes!  I could work out over 2 hours a day and want more!  I could make it through a 90-minute hot yoga class and feel incredible afterwards!  I was starting to run!  I could shop at stores other than Lane Bryant!  Now looking back, I am disappointed that I did not realize at the time how far I had come.  At least next time, I will know better?    I also had an issue that I think a lot of people having when losing a large amount of weight: the picture in the mirror did not reflect reality.  No matter how much weight I lost, I looked the same in the mirror to myself.  I never looked like I lost weight.  Even though I was an intelligent person and knew I was buying smaller clothes, it would never sink in, I was still fat in the mirror in front of me, so why be proud of how far I have come?  I have read a lot about this and have found comfort now in the fact that other people deal with the same issue.  At least next time, I will know better?   I have been asked by people why WW did not work for me the second time around after my surgery and I honestly do not know.  However, now that I am on the other side and can look back at my time in WW, I can honestly say, it was not good for me.  I know it works for a lot of people, but for me, it fed my need to be perfect and my obsession with numbers.  I don’t think it was really even about being healthy to me at that point, but more about feeling my need to be perfect all the time and of course my obsession with numbers (I love numbers so much it’s kind of ridiculous!).   I get tired of hearing that fat people are lazy…   I get so tired of people who are overweight or obese being called lazy.  For some people, yes, it is just about calories in and calories out and getting off the couch and to the gym.  But this is NOT true for me, as documented by my time in WW.  By the way, I realize now that I keep calling it my “time in WW” like it was some prison sentence, which I think speaks volumes to how that time made me feel, but I digress.     I am NOT lazy.  Losing weight and keeping it off is not about me being lazy.  It is much bigger and deeper than that, and that is what I am working on to figure out.  I worked and worked and worked to lose weight and keep it off and it did not work.  And it was not because I was lazy, it is because it is something that is beyond my control, at least at this time.  If I could control it, don’t you think I would?  If I could just stop over eating, don’t you think I would?  If I could figure it out, don’t you think I would?  I know some people will read this and think that I am making excuses but you don’t know me and until you have lived one day of your life as someone who cannot control their eating, then you cannot talk to me about what is an excuse and what isn’t.  I am not making excuses, I am stating facts.    I’m not asking to be diagnosed with the disease of “Obesity.”  When maybe I should?  I really enjoyed this post by someone who has lost a lot of weight -  And here’s a link to an interesting article I found on the subject and just one quote from it:  “The suggestion that obesity is not a disease but rather a consequence of a chosen lifestyle exemplified by overeating and/or inactivity is equivalent to suggesting that lung cancer is not a disease because it was brought about by individual choice to smoke cigarettes,” ( I am not asking for sympathy, or for anyone to feel sorry for me, I am simply stating facts and the fact is that I am NOT lazy AND I am overweight, obese even.     I know others might read this and know exactly what I am talking about and some how found a way to fix it and to you I say bravo!  I know how hard it is and am proud of you and your accomplishment!  However, because you have reached that accomplishment, don’t forget where you came from, and remember you were probably called lazy before, so think twice before you look down your nose at others, because you were able to get it right, when the rest of us are still struggling.    So why write about this all now…   So why write about all this now?  Honestly, I am asked by people (friends and family) all the time how I lost weight before and more importantly, I’m not asked about why I gained it back.  Not that I would every want anyone to ask such a thing! haha but still I think it is the more important question.       I think I am finally getting to the point I can deal with it, and hopefully by purging it, I will start to be able to move on.  I don’t know how else to say it but losing weight actually made me unhappy, which I know sounds ridiculous.  Before I tried to lose weight, I was pretty much happy all the time.  I knew I needed to lose some weight but I never let my weight define who I was and that is what I allowed losing weight to become for me.  I was praised by so many people, told that I inspired them to lose the weight (most of which have kept it off when I haven’t which just helps let the failure of it all sink in), etc. etc. etc.  Losing weight at some point became about everyone else and not myself.     Like I said, over the course of the last two years I have gained almost all the weight back.  And I have tried, I promise, you can ask my husband, to lose this weight I have put back on, and nothing at this time is working for me, which is why it is more than just a lazy issue with me.  I have already climbed the hill to lose 95 pounds and it took forever and it was stressful and I was unhappy - why go through that all again?  Even if I know it is the right thing to do for myself and my health?   And my close friends who know me and talk to me always have the same response, “I’m sure that’s not true” or “I cannot tell so you probably haven’t gained as much as you think” etc etc.  Fact is, I have been on a scale.  There is just no denying it, it is what it is.  It is depressing to admit.  It is hard to admit.  It is disheartening.  I don’t like to fail and I have failed at keeping the weight off.     But I refuse to make another resolution to lose weight, not because I don’t know that I should lose weight.  I am refusing to resolve to lose weight, because I am resolving to not let my weight define me any more.  I am deciding to make resolutions that will feed my soul and not decrease a number on the scale.  I am resolving to do things that I know will make me happy on a daily basis: getting on my yoga mat daily, putting more whole foods into my body, reading more, meditating more, and generally trying to live life more simply.  Maybe with a happy soul, the weight loss will come, but it is not the center of my life’s purpose at this time.  I am OK right now, at this weight, and losing weight will not make me a better person, or at least this is what I am going to resolve to also remind myself on a daily basis.     So I am not making a resolution to lose weight in 2014.  I am resolving to not resolve to lose weight and see what happens. 

#revitalize your #practice
Day 2 

I found this pic to symbolize what I plan to bring into my practice to revitalize it…I’m working on doing more meditation :)

@laurasykora @gypsetgoddess @kathrynbudig @tjhark @amyippoliti @jason_crandell @theneshamaproject #aimtrue #aimtrucrew #yoga #yogapractice #yogaeverydamnday #yogisofinstagram #yoga108resolution #meditation #meditate #om #namaste

Day 1 

I love love love downdog and this is my favorite variation.

#yoga #yogi #yogamat #yogapractice #yogaeverywhere #yogaeverydamnday #yogisofinstagram #yoga108resolution #curvy #curvyyoga #curvyyogi #plussize #plussizeyoga #plussizeyogi #om #namaste #manduka #aimtrue

@laurasykora @gypsetgoddess @kathrynbudig @tjhark @amyippoliti @jason_crandell @theneshamaproject

Day 8: #myasana with @deemoi. I couldn’t get the back leg up too high but was able to hold my bottom leg with both hands and balance! Woot!

#yoga #yogi #yogini #yogamat #yogaaday #yogagirl #yogapractice #yogaeverywhere #yogaeverydamnday #yoga108resolution #plussize #plussizeyoga #plussizeyogi #curvy #curvyyoga #curvyyogi #om #namaste #playwithdee

Day 2: #myasana I could get so much deeper in this if I didn’t have a big chest and belly in the way! Haha #yoga #yogi #yogini #yogamat #yogaaday #yogagirl #yogaeverywhere #yogaeverydamnday #yoga108resolution #curvy #curvyyoga #curvyyogagirl #plussize #plussizeyoga #plussizeyogi #peace #om #namaste

Day 2 of #inspiredyogis was a break day so this is Day 3. @deemoi challenged us to pick a pose we suck at or don’t like and make it work for us. I picked this pose because I hate it so! My legs are so long and my belly is in the way for me to really engage my abs to really hold this pose so I did it by the wall to catch me if I fall to make it work for me.

#dotheshityousuckat #playwithdee @patbailey @gordonogden @monkeymix #yogilovebombs

#yoga #yogi #yogini #yogaeverydamnday #yogisofinstagram #yoga108resolution #plussize #plussizeyoga #plussizeyogi #curvy #curvyyoga #curvyyogagirl #om #namaste

#catchingup on #humbleasana Day 7: chair pose

#patience #mypracticeisperfect

#yoga #yogi #yogini #yogamat #yogaaday #yogapractice #yogaeverywhere #yogaeverydamnday #yoga108resolution #curvy #curvyyoga #curvyyogi #plussize #plussizeyoga #plussizeyogi #om #namaste

Yoga Resolution!!!

Yoga Friends: I have made a “resolution” of sorts to myself and have actually already started but will officially start counting January 1st. After talking with another yoga teacher friend who is going to join in as well, I thought I should offer the idea to all of you.

I suggest you resolve to make yoga a daily part of your life for 108 days! Whether it is a 90 minute hot yoga class, a 30 minute online class, a DVD, a class at a gym (hopefully one of mine :) haha), a few poses at home (maybe for an Instgram yoga challenge), some time meditating or doing a 10 minute savasana before bed - I suggest to you, my friends, to make yoga a part of your life.

Don’t know where to start? I will make it my mission to help you!!! Message me, post on my wall, text me - whatever needs to be done to get you coming back to your mat daily. I would love to be the person that helps you find the love of yoga or the person to help you continue your love of yoga into a daily practice!!!

My wonderful yogi friend, Jacklyn, and I were talking about how to keep us accountable on this journey and have decided to check-in daily. Jacklyn even came up with a hashtag for us to use :)

Are you going to join us??? Like this status or comment below to let me know!!! Also, once we start January 1st, use the hashtag daily to let me know how you did your yoga that day!

Use the following hashtag: #yoga108resolution

You can also go to my yoga page:

#catchingup Day17 of #myassana Rabbit pose

This is as good as it gets for me with rabbit pose. This is a pose that having a belly really prevents the ability to get into the full pose. I skipped day 18 and day 19 because I haven’t built up to headstands yet.

#yoga #yogi #yogini #yogangsters #yogaeverydamnday #yoga108resolution #curvy #curvyyoga #curvyyogagirl #plussize #playwithdee #plussizeyoga #plussizeyogi #om #namaste