yoga moms

thenonehater  asked:

Have anymore yoga headcanons for Black Hat ? 'Cuase I feel he'd o er hear these moms talk about their hyperactive teenagers and be like ' Bro you too ? This girl be cray cray' Hence Black Hat learning what ADHD is and how to handle dementia better.

JKFSDKJLFDSJKLF YOGA MOM BLACK HAT #CONFIRMED

  • Just a disclaimer: I don’t really know that much about ADHD, so i’m just (going with what some of the websites i’m looking at have told me, sorry if any of this is inaccurate!! I’ll do my best;; )
  • Black Hat walks in one morning, sets down his mat and starts stretching out a little getting ready before instruction begins.
  • (let’s see how many generic white suburban mom names i can come up with)
  • Karen sits down next to him. “morning Mr. Trueba” “I told you, just Esteban is fine.”
  • (Flug was the nerd who came up with BH’s fake identity kudos if you get the reference)
  • “Hey Chloe!” “Hey Karen, hey Esteban!” “….Hi.” Black Hat has very reluctantly been inducted into the Circle of Moms. More and more of them show up; they all chat amongst themselves while stretching. BH keeps to himself mostly but nods along with what they say. everyone thinks he’s just shy
  • in reality he’s taking careful mental notes on the conversation. To improve his human disguise, ofc. thats TOTALLY the reason why he “politely” asks Samantha to tell him how she makes her workout smoothie. He doesn’t care about human food recipes what no shut up–
  • “Oh! And Alex is finally following the house rules we set up.” “Really? That’s fantastic Mary!” Black Hat perks up. This sounds interesting
  • “I wish I could make Owen listen to me like that. He’s always so hyperactive, I can’t ever get him to stay still.” “Have you tried more positivity, Rachel? Like, instead of saying what not to do, you say what he did that you liked?” “Actually, no. You really think that will work, Wendy?”
  • “Excuse me” Black Hat fucking interrupts. “you mean your kids are also over-energetic nightmares?” “Esteban, you have kids???” “…..Sure.”
  • he basically starts listing off Dementia’s characteristics and all the moms start sagely nodding. one of them tells him that she could have ADD or ADHD and he goes “There’s a fucking NAME??”
  • “Have you taken her to see a doctor?” “uh. i know a doctor.”
  • “And she’s always running around like that?” “Yeah. I was thinking of getting a leash, do people make those?” “UM. NO.”
  • black hat ends up taking notes on what they’re saying and bringing them back to flug, who spends the better part of an hour explaining that no, he’s not that kind of doctor–
  • BH ends up getting a lot of tips on how to treat Dementia and its like a switch flips. She suddenly seems to listen more, its a goddamn miracle. (Oh the magic of not yelling angrily to get what you want)
  • He gives quiet, short warnings instead of loud angry threats, and they’re even more effective! And still mildly horrifying!
  • Flug is amazed when he sees BH give Dementia short, clear instructions, asks her to repeat them back, and that she actually goes out and does whatever it is, with only minimal property damage! so proud

i didnt know if i should write anything about fidget spinners or not so im just gonna leave it there haha

anonymous asked:

PTA mom Black Hat

The only logical continuation of yoga mom blackhat tbh

  • Honestly most of the teachers at these meetings actually appreciate him. These conferences are almost always controlled by the elite “alpha parent squad,” so BH really shakes up the meetings
  • he says the shit that everyone wants to say but is too scared to. And he says it without any sort of filter.
  • “really Helen? You really want to be put in charge of the bake sale? I’m sorry, which one of us owns a multimillion dollar company again? I you’d agree that between the two of us I have a bit more experience in how to actually make a fucking profit?”
  • “You seriously want to reduce the art department’s funding. It’s useless? I have a kid in the fucking art program, you really think tha– we need to make cuts? Oh I know something of yours we can cut off–”
  • “For fuck’s sake John! We don’t need to REDO THE FOOTBALL FIELD AGAIN!!!”
  • “Kathleen shut the hell up about your ‘sweet, angelic son’ being given detention. The teacher was just doing his job; it’s not Mr. Donnigan’s fault that Billy can’t stop talking about being a student athlete.”
  • “Yes Harold, I heard what you fucking said. And I say we vote on how many people here think it was stupid!
  • “Caty the dress code is biased and you fucking know it. If I hear one more thing about a bra strap I’m going to shoot myself in the foot.”
  • “Helen I don’t care how good you say your lemon bars are; kids like chocolate. Have you ever eaten an actually good dessert in your life.”
  • “Paul shut up about veganism for one fucking second
  • “what do you mean we can’t call them slutty brownies no fuck that. they gotta be labeled accordingly, it’s a branding thing.”
  • BH: //inhales: “h̢̖͙́̀͋ ̜̝̱͊̿̍e̟̜̠̊͊͝ ͖̰̰̾̓̚l͙̬̺̋̚̚ ̛̼̘̱̃̔ȇ̼̘͙͊͝ ̦̮̥͂́̓ǹ̼̠͚̋̕

Let’s be real; he’d get kicked out at the first meeting and then get begged by his yoga mom squad/the rest of the teachers to come back. He’d show up to every single one after that out of spite, eliminate Helen, rig the election for next year, and become the new head of the PTA

💛🌿 Today has been so beautiful 🌿💛

I started the day off with Chakra meditation and yoga in the backyard by my garden. I’ve made some Sun Water for my garden, I enchanted my plant babies, I’m boiling some eggs to use the excess water and egg shells on my garden, and I washed our front door (and back door bc we use it a quite a bit) with warm water and peppermint oil to reset vibrations and bring abundance. I also noticed my cucumbers and gladiolus are finally beginning to popping up! 🌱
I’m a very happy witch today. 💚

anonymous asked:

I have the strong feeling that *nobody* is fooled by BH's "human disguise". Everyone is completely aware he's in no way shape or form human. They're all just too terrified to bring it up. :D

  • “Morning Mr. Trueba” *snaps his head 180 degrees around yet keeps walking forward* “OH GOOD MORNING, HUMAN NEIGHBOR.”
  • “Boss, the Richardsons called. They said something about our dog ruining their flowers? But 5.0.5 hasn’t gone outside since last w–” “OH THAT. They were bothering me, so I glared at them.” “Boss she said they were completely uprooted!!” “Yeah, they started trying to run away.” “………”
  • (The yoga mom squad probably knew from his first lesson, but they’re probably too nice to say anything haha)
  • HELEN IS ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN. NO DOUBT. 100% he is NOT human. But whenever she tries to bring this up to the rest of the PTA, the people on BH’s side are always like “what are you talking about?? Looks human to me”
  • “I saw him eat a live bird at the soccer game!” “And we saw you sprinkle salt on Martha’s brownies at the bake sale; who’s the real ‘evil monster’ here?“

BH’s human disguises are often very cheap, because he thinks humans are “stupid creatures, who would fall for a lamp disguised as a person.” In reality, well, there’s only so much a fake wig can do.

PROVE THEM WRONG! Yes, I was pregnant in the first picture. I gained 80 pounds in my 9 months of growing a tiny human.

For any mommies that need some extra motivation this week- it took me almost 2 years for me to change my body composition.

The picture on the left is 6 days before I had my son- he will turn 2 next Saturday 🤗 the second picture was about 2 weeks ago. Change takes time but don’t give up!

I promise you I know every way to fail- but it takes only one time to succeed to change your life. 💙💙💙

thenonehater  asked:

Okay, hear me out. Blackhat gets invited to "The parent circle day" after being in yoga so long. He's so confused by what id until he figures out, its just a qhole bunch of parents gossiping about random crap. He is so into it, because good he needs it. Not to mention nobody tries to hook up with him. "No,girls don't flirt with Estaban! Because i think he's like my aro/ace you'll just make him uncomfortable. " #yogaparentBlackHat

omg aro/ace Black Hat is something i never knew I needed in my life until now bless

  • BH gets a nice place to vent about all the terrible clients he’s had to deal with at work
  • “And he started complaining when I cut his supply when he’s the one that missed his down payment! So I had to cut his han– his supply. down. further.”
  • sometimes the moms start talking about their kids and he’ll subconsciously mention his employees as well without even realizing it like “oh yeah dementia got in a fight with that kid too. honestly if Ryan’s this much of a little shit someone should get that principal off his lazy ass and make him do something.”
  • alternatively: they all get together and bitch about Helen and the PTA
  • “If she refuses to sign up for a shift for the bake sale I swear to the nine layers of hell and back I WILL FUCKING MAKE HER.”
  • The yoga moms find it hilarious how mad he can get. BH never admits it but he kinda enjoys these sessions– FOR THE FREE FOOD OFC YEAH THAT’S IT
  • “Esteban, sweetie, do you want some more tea?” “Don’t be stupid! Of course I want more tea! And some more of those biscuits, too!”
  • okay but. Book club. With the yoga mom squad.
  • each member gets to pick a book for the month. BH reads “Girl on the Train” under his desk and yells at 5.0.5 when he finds it while cleaning.
  • “no of course this isn’t mine, why the fuck would I have– DON’T TAKE THE BOOK WITH YOU, MORON!!”
  • When it’s BH’s turn, he brings in a fucking necronomicon.
  • “Uh Esteban? What kind of novel is this?” “[horrified gasp] novEL? This is a collector’s edition grimoire. Look– mine’s even annotated!“
  • (For the record, BH’s annotations include pronunciation tips, various blood substitutes, and extremely vulgar, angry notes on what not to do to a summoning circle)
  • The yoga ladies think that Esteban just has a really niche interest in the occult and manage to talk him out of making a “nice, but plotless book” their book club choice. Unbeknownst to them, they’ve probably just saved the world

((sorry these are taking so long guys!! i’m answering these chronologically (with small exceptions) so if I haven’t answered yours yet, it doesn’t mean I haven’t seen it! Unless our friend tungle is being an ass but yeah lmao))

Day 24

I’m sure I’ve well established by now that I’m petty. Really petty.

As long as the customer is nice or even neutral in their interaction with me, things are great. I do my job with the required amount of pleasantness and they move on with their lives. But I have trouble smiling and playing nice when somebody is overtly being rude to me, which naturally means that accepting a job in retail probably wasn’t the best move on my part. Especially since one out of every eight or so customers ends up being an unnecessarily rage-filled jackass.

So in walks a woman who’s about 60 or so years old with two cloth bags. That’s fine—protect the environment, sure. The problem is, she has way more items than can feasibly fit into those two bags. Another downside: my store usually offers paper bags as well as plastic ones, but due to an ordering error none of the clerks currently have any paper bags (this issue also wasn’t resolved for a good week, so you can guess just how many yoga pants-wearing soccer moms were enraged that they’d have to carry their organic kombucha in plastic bags out to their BMWs. What utter barbarism.) So naturally, once this woman’s cloth bags are all full, I start to put the rest of her groceries into a plastic bag. This didn’t fly so well with her.

Her: “No plastic!”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re currently out of paper bags, so this is the only option.”

I continue to bag her groceries.

Her: “Hey! No plastic! ARE YOU DEAF??!”

Me: “We don’t have any other bags. I’m sorry.”

Her: “GET ME A PAPER ONE.”

Me: “We…. There are none. Ma’am. None.”

Her: (sarcastically) “You’re telling me there aren’t any paper bags in this entire store?”

Me: “Yes.”

Her: “I don’t believe you.”

Me: (shrugging) “It’s plastic or nothing.”

Her: “Fine. Then I choose nothing.”

Now during this exchange, mind you, I kept on scanning her items, one of which was a package of fresh dinner rolls from our bakery area. And as I watched her stomp off with her arms overflowing with precariously balanced unbagged items, I took a moment to think about just how gratifyingly soft those fresh rolls had been as I shoved a finger through the center of each and every one of them during our delightful little chat.


(I bet you can guess which finger I used.)

Alright! Here are my before pictures for May! :) This month I’ll be doing Core de Force and 3 Week Yoga Retreat (both Beachbody programs) as well as the 3x a week 5k trainer with my daughter.

I’ve decided to do a month of no weigh ins because I’m kind of getting tired of feeling tied to the scale! The last time I weighed in I was at 230. So, hopefully in June I’ll be below that.

Anyway, here’s to an awesome month!

fluffycarnivore  asked:

one of my favorite reactions to telling ppl i've been prescribed adderall since 4th grade is the face of yikes 😬 followed by an explanation of how it's a bad addictive drug if you're not careful and how their friend likes to abuse the drug... like i literally had one girl gasp and yell at me and tell me i need to stop taking it because her mom said it had meth in it. (which it does) she looked at me in horror that i'd do such drugs... it's a controlled substance. like stfu people, i need it 😒

when will the Yoga Moms™ stop omg