Try by Colbie Callait
I know I haven’t written for some time, I’m sorry I got sick and I want to also thank the lovely anons who said nice things bout the last OS. Tumblr is fixing my ask box, so I’m sorry I haven’t thanked you personally yet. Slight warning, that this fic deal with insecurities as an issue and I just want to recognize two things, (1) April as a character has grown and her insecurities aren’t the same anymore - so this is AU, based around s8/9, and she doesn’t fail her boards nor have active battle with her religion. (2) Everyone’s journey with nsecurities are dfferent. This is based on my understanding how insecurities work, I’m sorry if anything is offensive.
Put your make up on, get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile, keep it slim
So they like you.
Do they like you?
April’s not really sure how exactly she convinced herself to work up the nerve to do what she was about to do, but somehow here she was. She nervously fidgets around, pulls on her clothes, tidies up her sweater, and picks invisible linen from her pants. She straightens out her hair and places the curls gently on the shoulders. He’ll be here in the attending’ lounge soon. She’d made a quick check with him this morning in the on call room, to check what time he was off.
She wasn’t really sure when this whole sleeping together thing became their thing, but here they were, holed up in the on call rooms of the hospital, everyday, sometimes twice a day. She wasn’t complaining. Of course not, that wasn’t what this was about. Never in her most optimistic dreams did April ever expect someone like Jackson to want a…. whatever it is they were, with someone like her.
As the years went by, and having only had one boy in high school who’d taken her to the carnival and dumped her the next day because she was too ‘enthusiastic’ and 'didn’t know how to chill’ and a college boyfriend who’d called her a 'prude’ because she’d made it clear to him she was waiting until marriage, expectations of any kind of love dwindled down. She guesses she’s lucky she even has the kind of relationship she has with Jackson. She shouldn’t, couldn’t, expect more.
Some little girls, herself included, dream of white weddings, and sweet boys who’d love them and babies and white picket fence houses. The sad reality, April came to know as an adult is society will rise to the occasion to make sure that some of these little girls know, as they grow up, that there are a few shortcomings with them, that might make this dream impossible.
She was scrawny, had fizzy hair, braces, acne and pigeon toes. Apparently, boys liked only a particular image she’d never be capable of looking like. So, when she was old enough, she promised herself she’d try her hardest to look like that. Maybe then, someone would love her. So she runs every morning, goes to yoga on the weekends and swims every other day. She dyes her hair red, and uses a tirade of products, so that she always had long locks of shiny, bouncy hair. She fixes her teeth, and gets her braces off, and spends a fortune to get rid of the acne and torturously wears a leg brace for a year to and goes to ballet to get rid of the pigeon toes. She looks a lot different now than what she did. She’s still not perfect, she still refuses to look in the mirror and call herself beautiful nor does she expect anyone else to call her beautiful. She’d settle for 'not bad looking’ any day.
It doesn’t work. Turns out, they tell her, it’s not just the way she looks, it’s her personality as well. She’s annoying, neurotic, crazy, difficult to like. Her colleagues take the time out of their day to remind her that she doesn’t measure up. There’s something different about her they find hard to relate to. They let her know her voice is grating and her presence is unwelcome. She misses Reed in those moments, the only person to ever fully accept her, but she’s happy she at least has Jackson, that is until he tells her she be ashamed that she’s still a virgin. She never thought he’d feel that way, out of everyone else. She wasn’t sure how to go about explaining to them that she didn’t want to lose her virginity in a one night stand, that even if it wasn’t after marriage, at the very least to would be to a man who loved her. She wasn’t sure how to let them know that it doesn’t come easy for some people. They’re beautiful, and smart, and interesting. They’re not her. They don’t understand what it’s like to love without being loved back, to lust endlessly, to convince yourself you’re happier alone, to convince yourself to let go of any dreams because you need to start being realistic. So she calls them out, and feels a rush when Meredith tells her she’s starting like her more and more.
“Hey, I thought you were off an hour ago?”
Her thoughts get interrupted by the very person she’d been waiting for. She turns around to see Jackson walking towards her, and leaning down to kiss her. She kisses him back, and holds him there for a second, because sometimes she still can’t believe this is real. She’s still waiting for him to tell her this was an elaborate prank, that it was all a joke.
“Um, I was waiting for you.” She says, as he pulls back, and starts to change.
“I… um, wanted to ask you something?”
He nods, pulling on his shirt.
She’s not sure how to go about it now that she’s here. She practiced it in front of the mirror a million times, and she’s been imagining doing this for a good week now. She just needed to find the surge of unusual confidence she had yesterday and blurt it out.
“Will, uh, w-okay, so…. I was wondering if, you-I…. was thinking, well-” She’s stuttering and it’s not attractive. She can already tell that she’s making a fool out of herself, and that this was a terrible idea. She just couldn’t appreciate what she had couldn’t she? She just couldn’t be satisfied with only sleeping with him, could she?
“April?” He asks her, seemingly slightly amused at her reluctance.
She takes a deep breath, reminds herself the pep talk she gave herself. She deserved more, she deserved more, she deserved more. And if he said no, well, she’d settle for what they have, and love him until he left her for someone better. Then she’d try not to let it kill her.
“Will you go on a date with me?”