I haven’t done an “update” of my body, “without clothes” for a long while. As many of you know, in addition to injury struggles (easier to overcome), I’ve been having weight loss struggles where both I and my doctors do not yet know why I cannot lose weight easily (well… Not at all, for the past 5 months). I’ve gotten tested for multiple things, and still am getting tested for more. I currently weigh ~188 lbs/5'7". And yes, muscle mass weighs more than fat mass etc. yes, I’ve been told “well you don’t LOOK like you weigh that much” blahblah whatever. Point is, don’t know why I gained weight and my “normal” weight (high school, undergrad, and first year of grad school) always hovered around ~140 lbs.
All of you who follow what I I have been going through, which are many of you, know how frustrated and angry I have been throughout this crap. And emotional before I realized that there was something OFF with my body. Before noticing my long list of symptoms… I struggled, as so many of us here in fitblr, to accept myself at my larger weight, to see myself as beautiful. I found out that my perception of my body was more than “unhealthy” view: understanding more and more as I journeyed to my own acceptance, I came to realize, through my “extreme” weight gain (40-50lbs) that I had always had body dysmorphia in my life. And I also grew to understand why, through soul searching, through understandings other people’s interactions with me as I grew up and how it affected my perception of myself.
In the past year and a half, I may still be frustrated that the scale does not change, no matter how healthy and how much exercise I am doing, but I am incredibly proud of of my mentality change towards how I view myself. I may be 40/50 lbs over my “normal” weight, but I see myself as beautiful no matter what - something that I honestly didn’t truly believe about myself, even when I was 130 lbs.
I have always been a confident person, but it took my gaining weight to truly have 100% confidence in not only my abilities, but in my appearance. I AM BEAUTIFUL, no matter what the scale says, no matter what the clothes size is.
I am beautiful, and amazing, no matter how fast or slow I run.
I do have bad days, where I feel sad that I don’t fit into some clothes I love and want to fit into. But then I just change and put something else on and look in the mirror and blow myself a kiss. Cute clothes exist in all sizes. And my beauty, it can exist at any size too.
Maybe I will lose the weight in the future. Maybe I won’t. But I will NEVER allow my opinion of my weight, or other people’s opinions, to dictate what I feel about my perception when I look in the mirror.