yes this is cow

some of my favorite silly plotlines from Scottish ballads
  • Small village thinks illicit whiskey stills are its biggest problem until raiders show up and trash their everything. Death, destruction, etc. Raiders find whiskey still, get lit, pass out. Villagers murder them. Peace restored. Whiskey is king.
  • Shepherd lad spots fair maid skinny-dipping. Fair maid pleads for her virtue and/or clothing. Shepherd lad is complete gentleman, escorts her home with clothing and virtue intact. Fair maid demands to know what she has to do to get laid around here.
  • Plucky heroine’s boyfriend goes to sea, fails to return. Plucky heroine dresses in drag and goes to find him. Plucky heroine discovers boyfriend happily married to someone else. Plucky heroine shoots his head right off.
  • Do Not Stop By The Local Weaver’s House, You Will Get So Pregnant, Like, Super Pregnant, I’m Not Kidding, This Has Been A Public Service Announcement.
  • Wealthy farmwife habitually searches her maidservants’ dorm for SIGNS OF MEN out of concern for their virtue. Maids less concerned for their virtue are having None Of It. Maids hide scarecrow in dorm, farm mistakes scarecrow for prowler, farmwife decapitates scarecrow. Farmwife believes herself a murderer. Maids now permitted to do as they please, virtue-wise. 
  • Idiot son sent to market to sell cow. Scheming lass seduces idiot son out of cow, pants, and even shoes.
  • Dad returns from business trip to find daughter Super Pregnant, demands to meet the man responsible. Dad takes one look at man responsible and tells daughter “okay, you’re off the hook, I would have banged him too.”
  • Handsome stranger bribes fair maid to leave town with him. Fair maid rejects various bribes until handsome stranger flat-out offers her money, which she accepts. Handsome stranger turns out to be, to no one’s great surprise, the actual devil. Fair maid regrets her life choices.
  • Gallant knight goes forth to slay dragon. Dragon eats knight, but has indigestion.

ETA: If anyone has been reblogging this and wants to know what the songs are, here is the list! Or if you’re too lazy to click things, The Devil Uisge Beatha + Shepherd Lad + Billy Taylor + Tae The Weaver’s Gin Ye Go + The Straw Man + Cow Song + Willie Winsbury + The Devil’s Courtship + Sir Eglamore

Northern California Gothic
  • For fun, you walk down Main Street of Old Placerville. You see a candy shop. You go in. “Don’t go to the other candy shop,” says the man at the counter. You exit and see, across the street, another candy shop. You cross the street. You go in. “Don’t go to the other candy shop,” says the man at the counter. You exit. You don’t go to either candy shop anymore. You keep walking. You step into the used books shop. Where did the entrance go? There is a mannequin in the window. It blinks.
  • You take the highway east of Sacramento. On the way to your destination, there are cows. So many cows. You roll up the windows. You take the highway west of Sacramento. On the way to your destination, there are still cows. So many cows. You keep the windows rolled up. You take the highway south of Sacramento. On the way to     your destination, there are more cows. So many cows. You turn off the A/C. You take the highway north of Sacramento. You don’t come back.
  • “It’s raining,"someone says. "Is it?” You look outside. You get dressed. You open the door. It is no longer raining. When was the last time you have felt water on your skin?
  • Tired of cows, you take the back roads to the college. On the way, you pass a dilapidated farmhouse, stark against the bright green grass surrounding it. You think it is beautiful. On another trip, you go a different way, to a different town. You pass a dilapidated farmhouse on the side of the road. You think it is eerie. For the next few weeks, every day you will pass and notice an increasing number of dilapidated farmhouses. Eventually you cease to notice.
  • It is snowing in the foothills. The news travels quickly, like a hyena pack. It is snowing in the foothills! School administrators are ruffled, wondering what to do. Children and teenagers flock outside and reach to drag their fingers along the frosty white grass. There is no snow.
  • Folsom Lake is dry. Families and explorers travel from miles around. They take their cameras and their hiking boots. “Excavate Mormon Island,” they say. The lakebed is parched. “Find treasure.” You murmur a question of concern. Isn’t the water running out? Should we be worried? No one hears you.
  • In Gold Country, you used to pan the rivers for gold. Now, you scan the golden hills for water.
  • In your white, conservative town, you see a sign advertising a Tea Party. You show up to the meeting. There is no tea. It is not a party. Everyone stares at you.
  • In Old Sacramento, you enter Evangeline’s Costume Mansion. The walls tell the stories of the criminals who have lived and died here. You get in the elevator. You pass the mannequins. You pass the displays of swords. You pass the corsets and headdresses. You have hit the third floor. The elevator keeps going. You are not sure where.
  • The road up north leads through a hundred boasted charming small towns. They offer home-baked pie. They offer fresh apple cider. They offer postcards that advertise the right to bear arms. A chill runs down your spine. The mutton-chopped baker smiles at you.
  • Facebook statuses ring like pealing church bells. ‘Did you feel the earthquake?’ 'How about that earthquake!’ Reports of Richter scale ratings blur on your screen. You check the news. The earthquake was in your town. You didn’t notice.
  • On the coast, you travel north to Humboldt County. The trees smell strange. The people smell strange. There are stairs everywhere. It is cold, and the pupils of everyone you meet are dilated. “We have a street fair,” they say. “Support local craftsmanship.”
  • Fog skims the streets of Stockton. The fog clouds here do not hang in the air. They move, like snakes. They slither onto the soccer field at night. They arrange a buffer around your vehicle. You cannot see. Are those children playing in the silvery darkness there? Shapes are moving, but you do not hear a sound. You crawl slowly down the road and hope those glowing eyes are headlights.     
  • Your friends suggest you meet in William Lands Park. You show up to William Lands Park. Your friends are not there. Children run, screaming, to a tiny theme park in the middle of the grass. You are not allowed in. You are too old for magic, they tell you. Where are your friends? Where in William Lands Park? Where did the zoo go? Where did you go?
  • You take a day trip to San Francisco. Your GPS leads you to a street full of pastel Victorian homes. The navigation leads straight up. You drive alongside a cable car. You keep going up. The road gets steeper. You keep going up. A truck rig hangs heavily in front of you, looming, threatening to tick backwards. You keep going up. The water bottle at your feet rolls under you. You cannot see the top of the hill for the fog. The navigation presses you forward. You keep going up. Your grip on the steering wheel tightens. You keep going up. You keep going up. You keep going up.
  • There is a strawberry stand at the side of the road. You pull over and purchase a basket for two dollars. You take it home. The strawberries are juicy. The television warns of a drought. You lick your lips absentmindedly, unaware that they are growing redder. You recall your neighbor’s strawberry garden. You take another bite. Your teeth are stained like blood.

Assembled with the input of spookygondolier, and at the encouragement of necphilak and charmingsprout. Feel free to add your own!

I ordered (and devoured) this big, beautiful vegan pizza earlier today. 😍🍕 Free of all the cruelty and pus of cow’s milk. 🐮🍼 Before I went vegan, I had been vegetarian for a few months. I remember telling myself (and other people), “I could never go vegan. I love cheese too much!” 🧀 This is a common remark among meat eaters and vegetarians alike. Looking back, I cannot believe how self centered and ill-educated my actions and justifications were. I mean just think about it. We are the ONLY species that takes milk from another animal. Could you imagine drinking pig milk? 🐷 Monkey milk? 🐵 Dog milk? 🐶 So why are we enslaving cows, artificially inseminating females so they can continue to produce milk, and separating mothers from their calves? Ask anyone why they drink milk, and the standard response is calcium. A common myth perpetuated by misinformation and propaganda spread by the dairy industry is that we need cow’s milk for strong bones to prevent fractures. 💪 Yet statistics prove time and time again that countries with the highest dairy consumption rates also have the highest rates of osteoporosis, a condition of weak and brittle bones. Meanwhile, countries that subsist mainly off plants with little to no dairy and animal product continually have lower rates of chronic diseases and osteoporosis. 🌎🌱 Dairy also contains over 60 naturally occurring hormones (which causes acne), pus due to inflammation and infection of cow udders, and casomorphins (yes, as in morphine) which gives dairy it’s addictive quality. It’s about time we DITCH DAIRY. Believe it or not, you can live without cheese or milk and still enjoy the same meals. Simply replace cow’s milk with one of the many plant based alternatives (you’ll find one that you like, I promise), purchase plant based cheeses such as Daiya or Chao, or skip the creaminess altogether and opt for a cheeseless pizza like I did! The man who made my pizza began showing it to all his co-workers who remarked on how good it looked, and these were meat eaters! ☺️

family meeting
  • Bruce: I trust you all know why we're here.
  • Everyone: *properly chastised*
  • Bruce: I would like to preface this by stating that I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN ALL OF YOU
  • Bruce: except you Cassie sweetheart
  • Cassandra: *nods*
  • Titus: woof!
  • Bruce: and the dog
  • Alfred: mreow
  • Bruce: and the cat
  • Damian: WHAT ABOUT--
  • Bruce: yes Damian I have excluded the cow as well now sit down
  • Bruce: BUT AS FOR THE REST OF YOU