Lights go out, the crowd goes silent. A huge unicorn appears onstage. The gays flock on the field wearing nothing but relics from the “Artpop” era.
Suddenly, a voice echoes throughout the stadium:
“It doesn’t matter if you love him, or capital H I M”
A republican drops dead.
The unicorn explodes, releasing a cloud of glitter and grease. Tom Brady chokes on this eleganza. Gaga emerges wearing nothing but an American flag.
She sings the first verse and chorus of “Born this Way”, immediately destroying every nuclear weapon in the world.
She stops, looks straight at the camera: “My name is lady Gaga, but you can call me Joanne”.
An electric guitar bursts into flames while Gaga belts out “Perfect Illusion”, dismantling the white supremacy. The song suddenly fades out into “Manicure” for fifteen seconds.
A dance interlude storms onstage, while the “Venus” chants morphs into “Dance in the Dark”. An exorcism is performed live onstage.
The démon rises up, followed by “Bad Romance”. The Wesboro Baptist Church disappears into oblivion. GOP is drowned into hot cheetos, which allows time for Cher to become the first female US president.
The new United States of America is reborn to the tune of “Poker Face”, sung as a duet with Tony Bennett. Lady Gaga kicks a football and score a touchdown. Texas becomes officially gay™.
The performance ends, as Tony Bennett drops his flesh suit to reveal… BEYONCÉ!!! “Téléphone Part 2/Judas/Video Phone” mash up grants three wishes to every person who ever bought “Joanne” and watched “AHS: Hotel”. Laganja Estranja death drops on Joe Biden’s face.
Lady Gaga shoots fireworks from her Versace boobs while singing “The edge of Glory”, effectively ending homophobia everywhere in the world.
The stadium erupts in applause, as Lady Gaga’s voice fades away, singing the iconic bridge from “Applause”.
A jock in the audience turns to Barack Obama wearing a rainbow jacket, and whispers “She did that.” Obama answers “yes, she did.”
I decided to make this list for my own personal reference as
well as for anyone who is looking for some interesting Hermione-pairing
fanfics. I suck at writing summaries and it’s been a while since I’ve read some
of these stories so I apologize in advance for any discrepancies! Without further
due, here are some memorable fanfics I’ve read so far in no particular order:
Now in their 20′s, some of Hogwart’s former students have gotten married and have kids, including Draco Malfoy. Except he was an idiot who got forced into a shotgun wedding and the only good that came out of it was his son, Zane. Now that he’s finally divorced, he’s back on the market as a wealthy, successful, and single dad but his gold-digging ex-wife has a plan to take Zane away from him. Draco is left with no choice but to turn to a woman who he had scorned and bullied throughout his school years to help save his family. Hermione seems to think she can help them and come out unscathed, but she has no idea how much her life was about to change the more she got involved with the “hottie” daddy.
The Deadline - Lena Phoria. Complete. Genre: Romance/Drama. Rated M: Smutastic. Word Count: 329,548 (39 chapters).
By sheer coincidence or stroke of fate, Draco and Hermione are reunited many years after graduation, at the very same graduation ceremony of their respective children. Maybe it’s because they’re both miserable in their marriages or maybe all the repressed sexual tension have finally come bursting out, now that they’re no longer confined by the rules and prejudices of Hogwarts, but the two find themselves involved in a scandalous affair. How will they hide their naughty secret from everyone, especially when what started out as a one night stand evolves into something so much more?
Hermione had been raised as a perfect Pureblood princess, believing she belonged to one of the oldest Pureblood families around, the Puceys. It was because of her bloodline that she was able to meet a mischievous but charming boy from another old and prestigious Pureblood family named Draco Malfoy. Their meeting and budding romance all seemed like it was out of a fairy tale, except when one day she found out the shattering truth of her past. They had promised to love each other, no matter what, but will Draco be able to keep his promise after finding out that Hermione wasn’t as pure as he thought? How important will blood purity be to to him as he succumbs to the darkness of serving under Lord Voldemort?
The Mind Trap - LainellaFay. Complete. Genre: Romance/Angst/Hurt&Comfort. Rated T: I CRIED. Word Count:
Hermione’s a busy person, working as a healer in St. Mungo. So why does she keep bumping into Draco Malfoy here? That prat. He can’t seem to stop annoying her even when they’re out of school. And who is this blond haired, greyed eye man who keeps visiting her? Why does he seem so sad? Merlin, all these people need to leave her alone. Can’t they see that she’s busy? Busy, busy, busy….
After the war had ended, Hermione disappeared and only to quietly reappear years later - completely broken. Her closest friends felt abandoned by her and now shun her, not understanding the excruciating loss she had gone through. Ironically, she finds support from former enemies, including one (albeit reluctant) Draco Malfoy. Draco was never one especially equipped to deal with strong and deep emotions, let alone being a source of comfort to another. But as Draco delves into Hermione’s past, he discovers that it isn’t just she who needed that special someone to take the pain away.
After the fall of Voldemort, an even bigger threat to humanity emerges - the dead coming to life and eating the living. Hermione Granger, one of the crucial members in a rag tag group of surviving specialists, finds herself battling old prejudices as she is forced to work with convicted terrorist and scientific genius, Draco Malfoy, to find a cure. As time is running out and the pressure is on, the two find their new relationship put to the test as they encounter threats in the new world that are even more dangerous than the undead.
Five Days - RavieSnake. Complete. Genre: Drama/Suspense/Romance. Rated M: Graphic depictions of injuries/MIGHT MAKE U CRY CUZ I DID. Word Count: 32,001 (14 chapters).
Draco and Hermione find themselves trapped in a crevice of a cliff and no one knows they’re there. Not only do the two have to fight the elements to survive for as long as they can, but they end up fighting past hurts as they open up to each other, just when it seems like they won’t have much time left on this planet anyways. It’s funny how sometimes you only realize how important someone is to you when you’re about to lose them.
Claiming Hermione - ilke. Ongoing/Hiatus/Abandoned?. Genre: Romance/Angst. Rated M: Graphic smut but oh so good. Word Count:
118,833 (33 chapters).
Sometimes all it takes is one gesture of kindness, to change someone’s life. For Draco, it was when the least suspecting person in all of Hogwarts lent him a shoulder to cry upon after finding out his parent’s tragic fate. For Hermione, it seemed like it was no big deal, after all she was used to being a pillar of support for anyone who needed it, even for blond snarky jerks like Draco. She didn’t expect anything in return, so how was she to know her brief moment with Draco would open the door to something so sinful but so right?
Tomione (Tom Riddle x Hermione)
Somewhere In Time- Serpent In Red. Complete. Genre: Romance/Adventure. Rated M: Violence/implied sexy times. Word Count: 360,029 (63 chapters).
They were brawling with Draco Malfoy one minute and the next, they found themselves on top of the young Dark Lord, literally. As Hermione, Harry, Ginny, and Draco scramble to find out how and why they were sent back into time, they must also try to avoid the attention of the ever observant Tom Riddle. This proves to be a little difficult as he quickly becomes obsessed with Hermione after realizing he particularly liked her brand of fire. As the group learn to get over their past differences and come closer to reaching a way to return home, Tom makes it clear that no one is going to take away his little lioness - not Dumbledore, not Grindelwald, not Death, not even time itself.
Ultima Ratio- Winterblume. Complete. Genre: Romance/Angst/Hurt&Comfort. Rated M: Abusive relationship/violence/Tom is a dick here. Word Count:
772,571 (54 chapters).
After losing her best friends to Voldemort and his Death Eaters, Hermione accidentally sends herself back into time where she meets the teenage Voldemort, Tom Riddle. She had planned to enroll into Hogwarts in the mean time to research how to send herself back to the present, not to become Tom’s object of rapt interest. The plan falls apart as her gentle heart could not stand by and watch as the young Dark Lord is unfairly punished and tortured, becoming his savior and opening herself up to his manipulations. To Tom, she was seemingly the perfect match to his own until he finds out her secret. Violence, hurt, and angst ensues but the looming threat of Grindelwald is the final catalyst that has them questioning what truly matters, ultimately.
His Persephone – Reneehart. Ongoing. Genre: Romance/Adventure. Rated M: Mild smut/some violence. Word Count: 190,966 (26 chapters).
The outcome in the war against Voldemort is looking bleak and Dumbledore is desperate for a way to turn the tides. He convinces Hermione to go on a mission back into time to infiltrate his group of followers and sabotage him before he can rise to power. When Hermione finally meets Tom Riddle, she finds it increasingly difficult to focus between her mission and losing control to her desires. On the other hand, Tom seamlessly incorporates his newfound, worthy companion into his plans for world domination. But how long will she be the Queen to his King before she’s able to ruin him from the inside out? Or will he find out his Queen is actually his downfall in disguise?
Muderer’s Maze – ibuzoo. Ongoing. Genre: Horror/Angst. Rated M: GORE GALORE. Word Count: 65,276 (13 chapters).
There’s a serial killer on the loose in London that would make even Hannibal Lecter proud. Special Agent Hermione is assigned to piece together the clues the maniacal genius left behind. Meanwhile her partner is none other than Draco Malfoy - a handsome, charming, but also pain in the ass Intelligence Officer. Together, they must work against the clock to track down and stop the killer before he commits his next heinous murder. Hermione will become entangled in a mad man’s mind as she learns what it means to be human.
Nothing Special – Winterblume. Complete. Genre: Tragedy.
Rated M: Depressing af, I cried again. Word Count: 1,373 (One-shot).
Tom Riddle didn’t expect to get involved with her to this
extent. And things weren’t supposed to turn out the way it did. But it did and
there’s nothing that can change it. Does he regret what happened? Maybe, maybe
not. After all, she wasn’t supposed to be anything special to him.
School Days – Meowmers. Complete. Genre: Romance/Friendship.
Rated M: Tom is a lil scary kid. Word Count: 133,702 (14 chapters).
Hermione’s personality is one of her strongest points but it
has also made it difficult for her to make friends. One day she encounters an
older, mysterious and intimidating boy named Tom and the two develop a strange
friendship. Their relationship changes over time but one thing remains the same
– Tom’s protectiveness over the sole person he cares about in this world. As
his ambitions grow, so does his enemies and they will learn the hard way not to
mess with his only true friend.
Mafioso – Meowmers. Complete. Genre: Romance/Drama. Rated M:
May or may not involve getting nasty in public. Word Count: 12,121 (One-shot).
Hermione Granger is a law student working part time in one
of New York’s biggest firms as a secretary for its mysterious and intelligent CEO,
Tom Riddle. One night while working late she discovers a huge secret her boss
has been hiding from his employees, putting her in incredible danger. On top
of that, she has a very important wedding to attend soon – her ex’s to be exact
– and she’s going alone. Maybe she and Tom can find a solution to each other’s
dilemma that would be to each other’s mutual benefit, along with some other
mutually beneficial fun times.
Hermione had lost her parents and was trying to
move on with her life with the help of her best friends Harry and Ron. When
they move into her old house, they find an old Ouija board and decide to have a
little bit of fun to take their minds off of things. Since then she has noticed
strange occurrences happening within her home that have become increasingly terrifying. She had been looking for a sweet dream to cure her
depression and never would have thought it instead would come in the form of a
Nagini Ate Your Homework – bloomsburry. Complete. Genre: Horror/Romance.
Rated M: GRAPHIC SMUT/dub-con. Word Count: 4,564 (One-shot).
Hermione Granger has always been a feisty girl with a hard
head for competition. She battled with everyone – her friends, her classmates,
even her own professor, Tom Riddle. One day she gets asked to stay behind in
class because Professor Riddle’s pet snake had apparently eaten her homework
and as her smart mouth gears up to give him a chewing, he quickly finds another way
to preoccupy it.
Voldemort has won the war and now rules over the wizarding world. But all hope is not lost, as Hermione goes undercover as Madame Cleo, the owner of a brothel where she can make any and all fantasies come true. In reality, her prostitutes work as spies to gather insider information from Death Eaters to use in their secret resistance movement. One day, she receives a call from her employee, panicking over the surprise appearance of the Dark Lord at her brothel. Apparently, Bellatrix Lestrange’s recent visit to her brothel did not amuse him and he offers her a challenge she could not refuse, or else. Who will truly win in this game of deceit, wit, power, and seduction?
Theomione (Theodore Nott x Hermione)
Tying The Nott – ShayaLonnie. Ongoing. Genre: Romance/Drama. Rated M: Sexual situations/Theo is so hot damn. Word Count: 113,781 (37 chapters).
After the war Hermione had found success as an employee of the Ministry and who else would be her annoying coworker but Draco Malfoy. Indeed, it seemed like the future they had hope for post-war had come true when former house rivals were now all working adults and surprisingly, good friends. Whereas everyone seemed to have found their place in the new world along with their soul mates, Hermione had yet to find success in the romance department. That is, until Draco came to her with a vital problem – his friend and former Death Eater, Theodore Nott, was dying and only she could save him by marrying him.
Thormione (Thorfinn Rowle x Hermione)
A Promise Unspoken – Kittenshift17. Ongoing. Genre: Romance/Drama/Angst. Rated M: No full blown sex but some sexual situations/Hermione is underage (for now). Word Count: 188,069 (32 chapters).
Goody two shoes Hermione had gotten herself into trouble with a 7th year Slytherin boy named Thorfinn Rowle. Poor girl, she had no idea that the Viking hunk of a bad boy never lets anyone mess with him and get away with it. Unfortunately for Thorfinn, he hadn’t count on becoming increasingly fond of the fiery little lioness but he had already put his revenge into action. Now he has find a way to deal with his mistakes as well as keep them hidden from her, for he would die if she found out, quite literally.