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Wholock Crackfic! TenxRose and Johnlock.

Sherlock and John were taking a walk and frolicking through a field and eating ice cream one day when something very strange happened. They heard this really loud whirring screechy-type noise that was like WRREEEEERRR WRREEEERR and watched in disbelief as an old fashioned blue phone box with a glowing blue light on top of it suddenly materialized before them.

“What the fuck Sherlock what is this” said John.

“Hell if I know John. I think it’s some sort of blue police public call box.”

“Well yeah no shit, Sherlock. It says that right on the front.”

“Shut up.”

“Okay.”

Then, the door opened and out stepped a slender man (with fucking AMAZING hair) in a pinstripe suit and this sexy blonde girl wearing a Union Flag shirt and jeans.

“Right then. 21st century London, what a surprise,” said the blonde, her voice dripping with sarcasm. Literally.

“Oy, if the TARDIS brought us here, then there must be a reason for it! Hey look. There are some ordinary passersby. Let’s go have a chat with them, eh?” The man in the suit grabbed his friend’s hand and hurried up to the two men with their delicious frozen dairy treats still in their hands. “Hello there! I’m The Doctor and this is my dear friend and sex buddy Rose Tyler!” he held his hand out as an invitation for the two strangers to shake it. His hand I mean. He wanted to shake hands with them.

“OH MY GAWD, YOU’RE A DOCTOR?? SO AM I. THIS IS COOL. Hi, I’m John. John Watson. John Hamish Watson” said John.

“Good to meet you, John!” the Doctor grinned at his new acquaintance. “And you are?” he said, looking at the scarved and stoic detective.

“Sherlock. Sherlock Holmes” he finally replied, taking the strange man’s hand in his own and gripping it firmly. Then he let it go because he didn’t want it to end up being one of those awkward handshakes that are just a couple of seconds too long. It wasn’t.

“No. You’re kidding. THE Sherlock Holmes? Rose! I told you there was a reason the TARDIS brought us here!”

“And you were right! As usual” she said rolling her big ol’ brown beautiful eyes. “Hello, Mr. Holmes. Rose Tyler. Nice to meet you!”

“Yes” replied Sherlock coldly. Speaking of cold, his ice cream was not so cold anymore and was starting to melt. John noticed.

“Sherlock! You have ice cream all over your hand! Let me get that for you.” John had already finished his dessert, but didn’t mind having Sherlock’s as well. So he went over and licked the melted ice cream off of his friend’s hand in like 3 seconds flat. He ate all of it. It was pretty cool. He left the cone, though. He knew that was Sherlock’s favorite part.

“THX BBY!” said Sherlock as he gave his lover a little Eskimo kiss. The Doctor and Rose looked at each other and exchanged a look filled with some emotion that I can’t think of right now.

“Hey, guess what this thing is! It’s a time and space traveling machine! It’s pretty awesome and it’s bigger on the inside and stuff. But, y’know, no big deal or anything” interrupted the Doctor, clearly jealous that Sherlock’s attention was not on him anymore.

Sherlock looked up and said “Yes, I see. It’s dimensionally transcendental. Obviously it’s bigger on the inside. It’s a Type 40 Time And Relative Dimensions In Space TARDIS. Approximately 900 years old. Its chameleon circuit became dysfunctional sometime in the 60’s, which explains it’s obsolete police phone box disguise, and you haven’t gotten around to fixing it. The way you hold yourself and the goofy smile on your face signifies that you’re clearly trying to cover up your dark past, and considering the fact that you have two hearts, which is made obvious by the double pulse coming through your carotid, you’re a time lord. The last of the time lords. Am I wrong?”

“Woah. Holy crap. That was awesome” Rose broke the short silence that followed Sherlock’s amazing deduction.

“Yeah, I know” Sherlock gloated. “Anyway, since I assume you were about to invite John and I to join you, we accept. LET’S ROLL, BITCHES. TIME AND SPACE IS ABOUT TO GET JOHNLOCKED!!!!!”

Then they did an awesome four-way-jumping high five while simultaneously yelling YEAH! and then they ran into the TARDIS, went to Barcelona (the planet, not the city) and got drunk and had an awesome dance party.

Oh, and on the way, each couple went to their separate deluxe suites and had tons of hot and kinky sex. John’s and Sherlock’s sex involved jam and a riding crop. Then John blogged about it later. The Doctor and Rose had sex while wearing cardboard 3-D glasses. It was pretty fucking sexy.

THE END.