wAIT hold up tell me this story about how hades almost started the apocalypse because a dude fell through the ceiling?????
Alright kids, y’all better sit down and listen to this long and kind of hilarious but sad tale:
This war started between Thebes and the Argives (or the Seven heroes who all pretty much died) because Zeus wanted a war and because somebody killed Dionysus’ tigers. Amphiaraus, or Ceiling Dude, as we know him, knew he was going to die in this stupid-ass war. However, his wife got bribed with a blinged-out necklace to talk him into going. This didn’t end well for either party, because Amphiaraus, being a troll, told his son to kill the lady if he didn’t come back. He obviously didn’t come back, so his son killed her and then was plagued by Furies for the rest of his miserable life because he killed his mother. So is Ancient Greek life. ANYWAY. So, they were fighting all heroically and everything when Amphiaraus kinda notices Apollo on his chariot and is like, ‘dude, gtfo my chariot, I’m not going to die while you’re sitting on it.’ because he wants to die(?) Apollo cries, then leaves. Then the ground shakes and opens up and scares the bejeeezus out of everybody, but Amphiaraus just rides his chariot in all casual like, like ‘goodbye friends’ and vanishes.
Meanwhile, Hades is sitting happily in the Underworld, doin his job, minding his business when this dude falls through his ceiling and leaves a giant-ass hole to the sky in it. Understandably, Hades is like ‘what?? wtf dude??? why??’ He then thinks it’s one of his brothers sending him a little challenge so he goes off and says “YOU WANT A CHALLENGE HUH?? HUH?? I’ll start the dAMN APOCALYPSE yeeeah boi you didn’T SEE thaT COMING! I’ll set all the giants free, I’ll set yo dad Kronos free, I’ll fcuking set all the shit free, I’ll turn the sky black and you can haVE SOME ZOMBIES TOO DO YOU WANT THAT ZEUSY PIE??” Then he kinda notices Amphiaraus and starts very reasonably grumping about heroes, about the two dudes who tried to kidnap his wife, Herakles beating up his dog and then stabbing Hades for trying to save his dog, and Orpheus (but he kinda liked Orpheus). He like ‘I don’t go into YOUR fckuing kingdom and mess up YOUR shit!?! The ONE time I did was to get me a wife and I even asked permission!! Like, zero percent of gods do that!’
After Hades realizes that this was not an attack on his kingdom after all, he keeps the dude who broke his ceiling in the Underworld (I’d like to think his penance in the Underworld would be to fix Hades’ ceiling) and sends up a Fury to fuck shit up. He’s then also decides to teach the annoying heroes a lesson and curses one of them to go forth and eat brains (which he does, much to Athena’s disgust; she was going to make him immortal, but the brain-eating grossed her out too much so she noped outta that one). He’s also like ‘Hey Zeus, bro, do you like the look of rotting corpses when you peer down from on high? cause guess what thERe’S gONNA be a shiT TON of theM HAHHAHA.’ And true to his word, a load of the dead don’t get buried, and Zeus probably looked down and was like ew wtf Hades. Lesson learned: Don’t fuck with Hades.
So that’s the wonderful Greek story about Hades almost starting the apocalypse because a dude fell through his ceiling, a man who ate brains and grossed out Athena and a stupid war because Zeus was like lol, let’s have a war. Ancient Greeks. I love em.
ARIES: You meet him on a night out in a club and you just really want to get drunk to get rid of your stress and spend the whole night dancing together. When you wake up in his huge flat, the last thing you remember is slow dancing in his living room in your underwear. You start to panic because you don’t remember a thing, until you see a sleeping back beside the bed on the floor and Luke standing in the doorframe. “Do you want orange juice or coffee?”
TAURUS: Luke Hemmings is your hot new neighbor and he’s only been there for two weeks, but you already hate him. You watch him throwing parties and coming home with girls and boys equally. He looks like the ultimate fuckboy. One day your parents invite him and his parents over to dinner and you have to realize that he’s actually super lovely and that you judged him too hard. You catch yourself blush when he compliments you on your smile. From then on he spends most of his time in your house and you cannot complain at all.
GEMINI: You and Luke meet in school when you both have to take extra lessons in maths. You bond through your shared despair and you kill time by giggling and writing little notes to each other. One day Lukes friend Ashton calls you and begs you to ask Luke out finally, because he’s been annoying his friends with stories about you the whole time.
CANCER: Luke just can’t take his eyes off of you but he thinks you’re out of his limit and is way too shy to confess his feelings to you. Your friends always point out when he looks at you and you enjoy his attention alot. You like making him blush and you think you’re in control….you barely realize that you’re slowly developing feelings for him. And soon you’re blushing just as often as he is…
LEO: You’re working in a cute little music store, where you see customers come and go all day long, but you notice that for the last two weeks one of them had been there nearly every day, but never really bought something. One day you ask him if he searches for something specific and he turns completely red and tells you: “I’m actually just here to see you and to listen to the stuff you put on.” He introduces himself as Luke and you think he’s so cute, so you start spending nearly every day together and listening to music and talking about your favourite bands.
VIRGO: You and Luke meet in an art course and you never really talk to each other, but you always wished you could get to know him better. One day you get assigned to draw each other, so you have to meet up in your spare time and you spend the day sitting in the park, talking and laughing, trying to draw each other and as you do, you realize how beautiful he looks and when he shows you his picture you can’t help but blush a little bit, because it’s not perfect at all and it doesn’t even look like you that much, but it’s okay, because he tried so hard and he drew flowers all around you and it’s the cutest thing in the world.
LIBRA: You go to Luke whenever you have relationship problems and Luke tries his best to help you out because he just wants to see you happy, even though he wishes to be with you instead…You don’t notice at all, until he moves on and tells you about his new crush…You finally get how much he means to you when you have to watch him with another girl. It’s the classic drama and it takes ages until you both get over your pride and confess your feelings. After you tell him about your jealousy he can’t stop smiling and says: “Sorry, it’s just… I waited for this moment for years…"
SCORPIO: You are at a house party and you don’t really know anyone. Also the music is super lame and you just decide to leave, when you hear someone say."Where are you going? Can I come with you? This is the worst party I’ve ever been to.” So you and the stranger, who introduces himself as Luke, wander through the streets. You end up at a fast food restaurant, talking about politics and the wonder of the universe… When you say goodbye he says: “This turned out quite nice. Let’s go to another shitty party soon!"
SAGITTARIUS: Luke is your new guitar teacher (who’s just a little older than you) and you can’t believe how lucky you are to have such a hot guy visiting once a week. But you really, really want to learn how to play the guitar and it’s quite impossible to concentrate when he reaches around you from behind to show you some chords. You feel like he knows exactly what he’s doing and one day you just go for it and kiss him and you end up spending the whole lesson making out. When it’s time for him to leave he says with a grin: "Do you still pay me for today?” and you give him a little slap.
CAPRICORN: You always go to the same little cafe where this really cute waiter named Luke works and he already knows your order by heart and you spend your time writing stories on your laptop. You watch as he struggles to get the dishes from one place to another without smashing them and you can’t help but smile at the sight. Sometimes it gets really late and one evening he comes to your table and says, while blushing: “Would you maybe like to drink something… I mean… not here… but with me?”
AQUARIUS: Luke is the hot new guy in your class, who is super detached and cool and you’re falling for him even though you feel like he’s kinda arrogant. You don’t speak to him the whole year, because everyone has a crush on him and you feel like he’s out of your limit. He takes you by complete surprise when he asks you out for prom and turns out to be super dorky, but only when you get to know him. You’re dancing together and laughing at his silly jokes and you think about how this side of him makes him even more attractive.
PISCES: You and Luke have been best friends since kindergarten and you were low-key in love with each other forever, but you always were too scared to ruin your friendship, so you both had different relationships and you spent many nights awake thinking of him and being jealous of whoever he was with. Someday you risk it and tell him how you feel and you both decide that you might as well be lovers and best friends at the same time.